He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

[Mybaby15]

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

I hope you dont marry the cheating scumbag.

Have you got him to log into that Instagram account in front of you? I'd want to see any messages.
Does he have a tinder or bumble account linked to it? He may just delete the apps and download when away working.

I can't leave because of kids and work and not really having anywhere to go

Oh, you have kids. In that case I would ask him to leave.

Did you ask the OW if they’d made future plans?

I understand why you don’t want to tell anyone, as it’s still sinking in, but it’s also because you don’t want people to know, because you’re going to forgive him aren't you.
Just be aware that you may as well give him written permission to cheat on you again.

You don't need to leave/ kick him out today but he will cheat again so you need to start making plans. You'll spend your whole life wondering who he is messaging and shagging when he's away.

Are the kids his? The only reason I would go ahead with wedding plans would be if it makes a massive difference to your future financial situation - in which case I would marry him, keep my powder dry then take the fucker for everything I could, the moment I could.

If the kids aren't his or if your finances are pretty equal in terms of house and rights etc then he'd be gone.

Oh and not having anywhere to go? You don't need to worry about that - he does.

Although to be honest, regardless of the outcome of looking at his other insta etc, it would still be over for me.
I would just want to know everything and almost be hurt so much, that I never looked back.

Kick the arsehole out.

He deleted the account when I asked him about it. The OW sent me screen shots of the pictures he had up though. Was only following 2 people and had one follower

Right, so even if they didn't have sex he intended to. But I don't believe he'd go to that much trouble and not have sex.
If he wanted you he would be grovelling now and doing everything including begging, but he isn't.

I told him I didn't believe him about the no sex so he messaged her in front of me saying "home now, Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!

Very gently, OP, it is possible that the two of them also premeditated this exchange, as soon as she told him that you had contacted her. Not saying that this is the case, but don't rule anything out when someone has demonstrated that they are a calculating liar.

Are your children also his?

I would also suggest, again as gently as possible, that he isn't grovelling because he has already decided he wants out of your relationship. It isn't a case of him having done something really spur-of-the-moment stupid. He set out to do this.

I’m with fizzygreenwater... if it makes financial sense. don’t spend money on a wedding just get married... don’t get mad, get even

@FizzyGreenWater no, no, no!
Stop muddying waters!
No one should marry to then divorce and take half. That’s absurd and downright despicable behaviour to be teaching your kids!

Also check the date of first picture posted.

"I can't tell anyone."
Why not?

I'll hazard a guess. You think it would be humiliating. Yes it will be - for him. For as long as you keep his dirty little secret, he is the boss of you and you are just his skivvy. Is that the life you want?

Start telling people. Begin with your family, them your friends, then his family. DO NOT HIDE HIS DIRTY LINEN FOR HIM. Doing so enboldens him to treat you like shit.

Venustiger... in this particular circumstance, why?

Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!"

That sounds as if they have before otherwise surely her response would have been something about it being the first time? Or romantic? Or some other BS?

I know you said you can't leave but make planning to leave your priority. Sorry but he doesn't care about you otherwise he would be grovelling begging for your forgiveness and trying to prove you could trust him.

Sorry op you must be heartbroken and shocked.

Instagram account stays active for 30 days. He just needs to log back in with email and password.

This was so pre planned by him he had plenty of time to have a cover story worked out with her. She might be spinning her dp the same line for all you know!

Awful OP. I can't believe that they spent 2 nights together and nothing more than kissing happened.

So disrepectful and calculated. I would never be able to trust him again after this.

I do believe that they didn't have sex... I didn't believe him which is why I asked her.
She would say that wouldn’t she?

Dont think I've said LTB before in years on the site. You need to leave him, that is a ridiculous amount of deceit, calculation and he doesn't even respect you enough to come clean

@Lollypop701 because I don’t believe you need to stoop down to shit-levels in order to make things right for you and your children.
So many men won’t marry because of this reason and it’s such a damn shame!
OP, his sex text may have just meant that they didn’t have sex that time, but they may have preciously.

I had this. A fake internet dating account. Shockingly with pictures of his older child from his Ex, but not our baby. He also vowed no sex. I asked the other women... note plural, also confirmed. But you know what, it’s very hard to believe now.

Please assume for now that he has had sex. You cannot trust anything or anyone. Women I talked to said they hadn’t even met up. But they had. They were just distraught for me and probably wanting to ease my pain.

You kick him out that is what you do. If you can. Get a few months, and I mean months of physical space. This is not a drunken kiss.

I took my Ex. back and he did it all again in 6 months. He was genuinely sorry. Really very remorseful. But he’d crossed a massive line, a huge one, and I really don’t know how they make sure they don’t cross it again. It’s not for us that is for sure.

They probably did have sex, maybe not penetrative sex. Oral and all the other things. I don't know, I wasn't there but if the woman says they didn't it's possible she is telling the truth.

It was an awful thing for him to do. Setting up a fake profile too and who knows what else he has been up to at other times.

I feel so sorry for you especially as you have children and have been planning your wedding.

Don't marry him, you're worth more.

Agree this is unforgivable. I'm so sorry, op. I know this is a shock but please think long and hard about marrying a man able of such deception.