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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

232 replies

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 18:47

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 16/10/2019 19:46

*previously

Cloudyapples · 16/10/2019 19:47

Op on the screenshots can you see the dates he posted the Instagram pics? Might help to see if it was an account set up in haste for her benefit or if it was one he slowly built up over time and has potentially been faking his single life for a while...

JorisBonson · 16/10/2019 19:48

OP he is a despicable man who has no respect for you.

My ex did the same and I forgave him. He did again. And again. I could have saved a lot of heartache if I'd have left the first time.

Please leave. There's always a way.

EssentialHummus · 16/10/2019 19:48

"home now, Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!"

This could also imply "...this morning" or similar. It's worth nothing imo.

OP, you can make plans to leave now or you can make plans to leave a decade from now when he's still fucking around and showing you just how worthless your relationship and family are to him. Get your act together and have that conversation with him. He needs to go.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2019 19:48

I wouldn't believe that someone met a man in a hotel, thought he was single, and spent two nights with him without having sex with him.

lyralalala · 16/10/2019 19:49

There will be a reason they didn't have sex (if they didn't), but it's likely to be that he couldn't get it up with a condom on and she insisted or something like that. It won't be guilt or anything like that.

Nic555 · 16/10/2019 19:50

You'll never be able to trust him again. He's done it once he will do it again.

He's obviously set up a fake profile to attract woman. Seriously why you would even consider forgiving him. It'll be better for you and the kids if you leave him now. Trust me staying together for the kids sake never works. You'll split up eventually anyway and the kids will resent him for what hes done to you. It may be hard at first but so much better in the long run. Don't waste your life on him. It wasn't a drunken snog he purposely went out to cheat on you. Please confide in a friend or family member. This is unforgiveable

LilyPinkNoah · 16/10/2019 19:51

Does it even matter if they had sex? Isn't everything else enough for you to leave him? To value yourself more? He's a fucking idiot.

You deserve better. You have all the proof you need. Bloody out him to the world the sleazy dirty little shit.

aweedropofsancerre · 16/10/2019 19:53

who gives a crap whether they had sex or not. I am assuming the DC are his and he has gone off with another woman, made a secret insta account. I would hope you are seriously reconsidering marrying this man. As i am fairly sure if you accept this it will happen again, married or not

LilyPinkNoah · 16/10/2019 19:53

Sorry OP I shouldn't swear. Sorry MnHQ

Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 20:00

No, I can't see the dates.
He did admit that he made it around April time when he was talking to another girl.. . I appreciate this gives more weight to those screaming to LTB

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 16/10/2019 20:00

Oh for heavens sake, don't even think about marriage to this lying cheating bastard! He is lying and cheating at a time in his life he should be head over heels in love with you, and he is shagging (or certainly trying to) another woman. Dump.

SleepWarrior · 16/10/2019 20:05

If you stay with him this will be your life on repeat for the rest of forever. In the meantime, your self esteem will gradually fizzle away to nothing.

This is not a man who should be getting married to anyone, he doesn't want to be tied down and I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to change that.

The quicker you break the tie, the quicker you can move on and start over Flowers

PlasticPatty · 16/10/2019 20:09

stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights...Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex.
Bollocks was there no sex.
Sorry.

lifegoes · 16/10/2019 20:09

Oh OP. He's been cheating with a few. I'm so so sorry

Naillig222 · 16/10/2019 20:12

Is he the father of your kids?

Lennonade · 16/10/2019 20:15
  1. It’s irrelevant whether they actually had penetrative sex or not - you are seeing this as some sort of saving grace because you are trying to rationalise staying with him. There could be any number of reasons they didn’t actually do the deed, but him loving you is not one of them, sorry.
  1. If you forgive him this time, he WILL do it again. You might as well just agree to have an open relationship, give him a hall pass, it’s the same thing. If you tell him (through your actions) that you don’t mind him cheating on you, of course he is going to do it again. Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting, wondering when / who with?
  1. Please don’t ‘stay for your kids’. You are their role model, you have to teach them better than that. If you stay, you are teaching any sons you have that it is acceptable for him to cheat on the mother of his children. Do you want your son to be that guy? To cause that hurt to some poor woman some day? If you have daughters you are teaching them that this is what they should expect from life. That men cheat and women just have to put up with it. Is that the kind of life you want for her?
Teach your kids that sometimes people do shitty things (even their dad) but that you don’t have to roll over and take it. That you have self respect. Give them the confidence to know their own self worth. Be a role model. They’ve only got one now (as their dad sure as hell isn’t) so I know it’s hard, but you need to step up and think of your children and what they are going to learn from this.
CallmeAngelina · 16/10/2019 20:15

So, this STI you were checked for. Have you had the results yet?

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2019 20:16

So if you decide to kick on and continue how does that look in your head?

Multiple £000s on the wedding that you both know is a fraud.

Then you always wondering and him always wandering. Until you are a bitter, miserable shell, with no self confidence because you've swallowed the idea that you're not enough for a real man?

Or you split now. He moves out ASAP and while he's still feeling guilty and everyone is spitting at him you get a reasonable financial arrangement going. You get every other weekend off and a potentially an extra night off a week.

Mmmmm why is everyone saying LTB do you suppose.

ilovepinkgin33 · 16/10/2019 20:20

Please don't be so naive OP
It's October for Christ sake, he's been using a secret Instagram account since April to chat to girls

Have you thought he might have a tinder/pof profile....what about all the easy one night stands he could be having while he was away,
From personal experience over the years this is not a one off situation, and the odds are that this will not be the last time you are in this position if you decide to forgive.....but that is your choice to make not strangers on a forum.

You cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth, do not allow him to spoon feed you a loaf of bullshit 💐💐

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 20:21

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
My DH also met a woman from I guess his secret account.
I think , and I know that you must realise that the amount of planning, deception and sleaziness is completely not acceptable. I originally thought I could live with it , but you really truly can not.
And the only reason I thought I could stay was because we had 30 years ! together.
Please , please do not marry this shit. I understand that it is not that easy to just split up and leave .Take your time with that.Maybe get him to go. But please tell this to people that love you and they will absolutely support you in not going through with any marriage plans.
So sorry that you have such trauma.Be good to yourself and turn to your loved ones for help.Flowers

bookwormsforever · 16/10/2019 20:24

Ouch, OP. But look on the bright side: at least you're not married...

The sheer amount of calculation and lies would be my deal-breaker. He's lied to you - and her. You both deserve better.

Flowers
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 16/10/2019 20:27

Does it matter if there was sex or not? It's a moot point. He has betrayed you, lied and cheated. That's all it boils down to.

TatianaLarina · 16/10/2019 20:28

My question was going to be was this the first time or the first time he got caught?

But this answers that question:

He did admit that he made it around April time when he was talking to another girl.. . I appreciate this gives more weight to those screaming to LTB

CallmeAngelina · 16/10/2019 20:29

Come on, MyBaby15. Think about this logically.
Is this the behaviour of a devoted and loyal partner in life? One who's meant to be your number one supporter, friend and advocate?
Even if they didn't have sex, (and who is he kidding by expecting you to believe for one moment they didn't), can you REALLY plan a future with such a man?