WIBU to kick DP out for this?

[ConfusedStressed]

Its actually so petty i cant believe its esculated to this

DP got home from work and about 10 minutes later i decided to go to the shop. He was sat on my coat so i asked him to move as i grabbed it. He slowly slid himself off it so i pulled the last bit and said crossly "come on now" as he was still sat on it.

He asked me why i was being rude when hed been on his feet all day and i replied that it would of took him 10 seconds to stand up off my coat instead of sliding off it making it harder for me to get it

Then he says " i cant believe your going mad at me for being on my feet all day "

Manipultive as fuck. At no point before this did i go mad at him and at no point did i go mad because he'd been on his feet all day and im so annoyed that hes tried manipulating something so trivial into somthing it wasnt

He said at some point why should he stand up when hes been on his feet all day, i said it would of took 10 seconds i wasnt asking him to lift furniture or anything!

I was shouting by this point because whenever i pull him on stunts like this he doesnt look at me & i was furious because this isnt the 1st 2nd 10th time ivr asked him not to twist what i was saying

He said i was shouting in his face when i was a good 5ft away from him and i said do you realise this is why im so mad because im not shouting in your face am i?

Before anyone says im fully aware i shouldnt of been shouting, i lost my temper, ive had so many calm conversations im sick of telling him thatbhis behaviour isnt acceptable, im sick of being made to feel a bad guy because of his passive aggressiveness

Indont know if this even makes sense im still so cross about it but hes packed his stuff and left and i dont think i want him back here after this

Haven't read the full thread but saw that the freedom programme has been recommended to you - DO IT! I'm currently on it and it's the best thing I've ever done. Not only is the course brilliant but the group of women who are doing it are hilarious and kind and so supportive and I've made friends with them. Google it and on the website there's a search location and it will tell you all the nearest courses and their contact details.

"If you are being goaded by somebody who is determined for whatever reason to pick a fight and you've tried to cool the temperature but they still persist in goading you, then shouting is a perfectly natural reaction."

Men are never allowed to get away with 'she made me shout.' Women on here saying that their partner shouted at them are always told that it's unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated.

@itsmecathycomehome do you think there are different rules for men and women? Why?

Men are never allowed to get away with 'she made me shout.' Women on here saying that their partner shouted at them are always told that it's unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated.

Interesting point. I read something once about, and I think it was a study about women in harems but I'm not 100% sure any more .Anyway the conclusion was that as men are physically stronger than women. they got their way through their strength. Women had to find a way to balance that out and they did that in words. In some ways I see a connection to what above poster said about women getting away with shouting and men not.

Pumper, sorry don't know what you're on about. I don't think there are different rules for men and women, but they get very different responses on here.

If op had said she was the one sitting on his coat and moving off it too slowly after a long day at work, and that he'd shouted loudly enough to frighten the children, from 5ft away whilst standing over her, nobody would be saying his response was justified and she was an abusive, passive aggressive twat who should've moved quicker.

If op had said she was the one sitting on his coat and moving off it too slowly after a long day at work, and that he'd shouted loudly enough to frighten the children, from 5ft away whilst standing over her, nobody would be saying his response was justified and she was an abusive, passive aggressive twat who should've moved quicker.

But that’s not why she shouted at him, and you know that. She shouted at him because he twisted the argument to accuse her of something totally different.

You are suggesting that there are different rules for men and women on here. Why do you think that is?

@Pumper

From my perspective it doesn’t matter that she thought she was shouting at him for one thing while he thought she was shouting at him for another.

That’s how most arguments start with a complete failure to communicate what you are upset about.

What matters is that she massively overreacted with extreme anger to what she says he did and said (keep in mind we do not even have his side of the story).

In no universe is it ok to stand over a partner who has only done what she said he did and shout so loud and long that young children in the house hear and are frightened by it. Him thinking he was being shouted at for something different to what’s she thought does not justify verbal abuse. To the point that the partner cannot look the OP in the face and feels the need to leave the house immediately forgetting even their money and essentials.

I’m sorry but in all honesty if the sexes were reversed or this were a single sex couple no one would be saying that the receiver was a “goady twat” who “deserved” to be shouted at and shut out of their home permanently.

Well no I don't think there are different rules, but feel free to argue with yourself.

@DoctorAllcome well the relationship is over,he escaped his "abusive" partner and out if her clutches. And her plan is to stay single.

So what exactly are you arguing for?

Doctorallcome

Your just making things up to suit yourself now. To say it is in black and white what i have said and yet your still making up your own story?

If im 5ft away from him then i wasnt stood over him was i. I didnt shout for so long and so loud..... the argument was over within minutes.

He doesnt look at me whenever we argue. Not because hes scared, because he knows it winds me up.

I wrote to you upthread and stated that that argument wasnt the same as this one and it showed that it was weekend, ive also stated that he had clothes on as it was weekend and he had his bank card yet your still making up your own story? Amd at that point he had been out for a few hours, he disnt want his clothes or his £5 note, he wanted to come home and try and sort it out and they were an excuse

Either read my replies or get off the thread because your being ridiculou making up your own scenario. Someone upthread said somthing about goady people and that clearly is you

@itsmecathycomehome you are suggesting that men and women get different advice on here. I’m asking you a simple question - why do you think that is? This is a point you raised.

@WhiskeyLullaby

It’s not like that. It’s about really examining the behavior so that it can be fixed for the future. I am perturbed at those who think her behavior was fully acceptable. If she continues with unreasonable reactions, more relationships will end badly and/or she will end up lonely. Not just romantic, but potentially her friendships, her children too once they reach adolescence.

OP has been the victim of past abuse. The cycle of abuse is a vicious one because it turns victims into abusers. She can’t help that the damage done to her causes her to abuse others in turn. She is at core a good person because you can see its not physical and so is way below the abuse that was done to her. So she is trying the best a person can do on their own.

The OP is not happy. She said she wants a happy family life for herself and her kids. There is no reason why she cannot have that one day. It’s not fair to any abuse survivor to be tagged with the damaged and damaging goods label. She shouldn’t give up. She needs to keep going to counselling and get to a better place mentally before getting into another relationship. I would also recommend inter-personal communications and listening courses as well to help her because people raised in abusive environments have had only bad role models, never good. Which is why she struggles to know which reactions are reasonable and which are unreasonable. For example, if the reactions you are used to are being hit and sworn at, you know that’s unreasonable but you do not really know whether shouting is reasonable or unreasonable instead.

He does have friends and family, i think he was expecting that id be texting to find out where he had gone but i didnt. He didnt come for his things, said he will get them on the weekend

Don't waste your time trying to explain things to the goady, gaslighting fuckers popping up on the thread. They rewrite the story, so they can have a go at you yes definetly

Love bombing, future faking, doing his fair share Yes been reading about this, some rings true to my situatio

I havnt spoke to my children yet nor have i rung the council. Felt wiped out all day. But i will do it before friday

Ok, op just saw your post to me. I’ll take off.

"@itsmecathycomehome you are suggesting that men and women get different advice on here. I’m asking you a simple question - why do you think that is? This is a point you raised."

No idea why, just an observation. Probably because most posters are women.

@DoctorAllcome why do you have such a low opinion of this man that he can’t possibly understand what she means by ‘get off my coat’ and his poor helpless brain could only imagine she meant ‘I’m angry with you for being on your feet all day’? That’s very patronising of you.

I’m sure he can understand simple sentences, which makes me think he’s actually clever enough to understand ‘get off my coat’ as ‘get off my coat’ and not ‘I’m angry with you for being on your feet all day’.

No idea why, just an observation. Probably because most posters are women

But why would that mean they give different advice? Remember: this is a point you raised! All these women treating this female OP differently than they would a man (in your opinion), why? Why do you think that? Why would they?

Pumper, I don't know why, it is just something I see often, and I have been here for 17 years. To me, it is an incontrovertible fact but I am not about to trawl threads for evidence and I don't need to because I have no interest whatsoever in answering your nonsense, badgering questions.

I have always thought that, given that most posters are women, we are more able to identify and empathise with a woman's perspective.

This argument appears, to me, to be the sort of blow up that happens between two knackered, irritated people and neither of them cover themselves in glory.

@itsmecathycomehome hardly ‘nonsense’ - I’m asking what you mean by a comment you made. It’s weird you can’t think of an example off the top of your head considering it’s something you’ve seen often for seventeen years. It’s also weird that you can’t think of a reason women might give different advice to women on here.

It’s almost as if you came up with a bullshit statement to discredit the advice the OP has been given on this thread. Like we’re all just stupid women, mindlessly defending our own for no other reason than because we hate men.

*"It’s weird you can’t think of an example off the top of your head considering it’s something you’ve seen often for seventeen years."
*
I'll pm you next time I see one. It won't take long, there are usually dozens a day.
*
" It’s also weird that you can’t think of a reason women might give different advice to women on here."
*
I gave you a reason.

Just message me privately to avoid boring everyone with your private conversation?

Why would I PM you when you can’t answer a simple question publicly? What possible benefit could I get from a private conversation from you when you’re happy to publicly try to shame a gaslighting victim for daring to be a woman and getting different advice than if she was a man?

I won’t reply to you again because I really don’t feel this is a fair argument - you can’t support your statement and you just wanted to have a wee dig at the OP/women who have tried to help her. Which makes you a pretty grim sort of person, but that’s your issue and not mine.

"Why would I PM you when you can’t answer a simple question publicly?"

I have answered it. What hope do you have in any sort of disagreement if you can't read?

"What possible benefit could I get from a private conversation from you when you’re happy to publicly try to shame a gaslighting victim for daring to be a woman and getting different advice than if she was a man?"

Daring to be a woman? Eh?

And I haven't shamed op or anyone else. I've posted on this thread from the beginning and agreed several times that she should end the relationship.

I do think she's had different advice than she would have got if their roles had been reversed. I have never seen a woman on here be told that she did something to deserve being shouted at.

Regarding gaslighting. Maybe, but it is impossible to say from the facts on here; the armchair psychologists are all over it of course, but none of us know for sure what was going through his head and the worst of motives have been attributed to him throughout.

You're not going to engage with me? Thank fuck for that.

For the record : I think op is unhappy with him and is right to end it. I'm glad she has a tenancy which allows it. I don't think she should have to tolerate anything she's unhappy with. I think counselling would be a good idea, and she's right to stay single for now.

Take your time OP.
You don't have to do anything right now.
The council will be there tomorrow and again next week.
Look after yourself for now.
You've already been through a shit tonne of crap so don't try to be superhuman as well.
You'll do all the stuff that needs to happen when you are ready.
Give your DC loads of hugs and look out for YOU!