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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WIBU to kick DP out for this?

198 replies

ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 18:53

Its actually so petty i cant believe its esculated to this

DP got home from work and about 10 minutes later i decided to go to the shop. He was sat on my coat so i asked him to move as i grabbed it. He slowly slid himself off it so i pulled the last bit and said crossly "come on now" as he was still sat on it.

He asked me why i was being rude when hed been on his feet all day and i replied that it would of took him 10 seconds to stand up off my coat instead of sliding off it making it harder for me to get it

Then he says " i cant believe your going mad at me for being on my feet all day "

Manipultive as fuck. At no point before this did i go mad at him and at no point did i go mad because he'd been on his feet all day and im so annoyed that hes tried manipulating something so trivial into somthing it wasnt

He said at some point why should he stand up when hes been on his feet all day, i said it would of took 10 seconds i wasnt asking him to lift furniture or anything!

I was shouting by this point because whenever i pull him on stunts like this he doesnt look at me & i was furious because this isnt the 1st 2nd 10th time ivr asked him not to twist what i was saying

He said i was shouting in his face when i was a good 5ft away from him and i said do you realise this is why im so mad because im not shouting in your face am i?

Before anyone says im fully aware i shouldnt of been shouting, i lost my temper, ive had so many calm conversations im sick of telling him thatbhis behaviour isnt acceptable, im sick of being made to feel a bad guy because of his passive aggressiveness

Indont know if this even makes sense im still so cross about it but hes packed his stuff and left and i dont think i want him back here after this

OP posts:
limpylegs · 15/10/2019 22:17

@whiskeylullaby he was sitting on a coat that was left on the sofa. Holy fuck. It's not like he was sitting on anything important!

He wasn't gaslighting. She lost her temper immediately after trying to grab the coat. He was asking her a question and she screamed in his face 5ft away!!

Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 22:18

Techway

Yes i did rush which looking back i should of waited, i didnt know anyone when i first moved round here and was very lonely.
I am feeling more settled and happy than i was when i first moved round here,
I can cope as a single parent but i dont feel like im enough. I have issues that i am working on but i feel like they deserve more than just me. I dont feel like im good enough on my own.

I know thats ridiclus and inknow it says a lot about me but thats how infeel

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 15/10/2019 22:21

@limpylegs He was asking her a question

What question was he asking her?

Bluerussian · 15/10/2019 22:22

"Yes i did rush which looking back i should of waited"

Explain please.

MarleyBarley18 · 15/10/2019 22:23

Omg sounds just like my OH smh.. he does this ALL THE TIME. It frustrates the fuck out of me and it makes me feel like I’m going mad. Have been gaslit in the past by him and totally sympathise. Fuck these stupid women who are trying to stick up for him. They have no idea what it’s like. Be strong and maybe take your babies to a fun activity to discuss it with them in a controlled environment? Good luck and good riddance. Here if you need me :) x

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 22:23

@mephiso Says the person who couldn't even read and retain information from the original message Grin
Report me all you want by the way I'm so scared Hmm

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 15/10/2019 22:24

We're moving this to relationships for the OP. Flowers

Mephisto · 15/10/2019 22:25

@limpy what information? No examples mean you're bullshitting Grin

MollyButton · 15/10/2019 22:26

I suggest you ask for support - GP, school, nursery, homestart.
If you are receiving counselling then maybe talk to them.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 22:27

@pumper "He asked me why I was being rude"

Mephisto · 15/10/2019 22:28

Report me all you want by the way I'm so scared hmm

It wasn't to scare you, it was to get your comment deleted so OP wouldn't be subjected to it. Anyway, MNHQ have deleted it so all good.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/10/2019 22:28

Good luck OP. You are doing the right thing by dumping him. You are not abusive. The people who don't think your DP is abusive just do not get the subtle nuances of behaviour that goes on in abusive relationships. You know because you have been through it. You have the instinct for it.

Always trust your intuition about these things. Continue with your therapy. Your DC will get used to him not being around. It is better to split now than for them to see progressively worse abusive behaviour.

Take care of yourself and your children. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2019 22:29

God some of these comments are shocking. Basically attacking rhe op.

Op. He's not a good person. He was clearly being deliberately annoying and trying to wind you up. And his texts show he's a piece of shit.

Look. You're better off away from him. Keep him gone. One of rhe posters who apparently love blokes who treat women like shit like he is can have him.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 22:30

@mephisto let me know if you need help understanding anything in the OPs original message :)

Aridane · 15/10/2019 22:30

I agree with @itsmecathycomehome

SheSaidHummingbird · 15/10/2019 22:31

My kids are the main reason ive told him to go. Any adult in their lives is a role model and i dont think someone who is constantly passive aggressive is a good role model. Neither is someone who shouts but im not normally a shouter

This is reason enough to end the relationship.

Pumperthepumper · 15/10/2019 22:31

@limpylegs and i replied that it would of took him 10 seconds to stand up off my coat instead of sliding off it making it harder for me to get it

That isn’t screaming, she replied to him. Do you want to have another go at the question? I know it’s hard for you because you’d have to admit he’s gaslighting if you copy the question she actually screamed in reply to.

WhiskeyLullaby · 15/10/2019 22:34

I can cope as a single parent but i dont feel like im enough. I have issues that i am working on but i feel like they deserve more than just me. I dont feel like im good enough on my own.

And that's what makes you more than good enough. One parent that worries about them ,loves them,wants what's best for them etc. Is more than some children have.

It's more important and better to have one happy,stable,safe parent with them,than two that argue,or make each other unhappy or feel like they're going crazy.

You are enough, and you owe it to yourself and your children to not only realise and accept that, but not subject them to abusive twats, just to make up for a completely imagined "lack of".

Keep him out, work on yourself and self esteem, get counselling,do the freedom programme and enjoy time with your kids unmarred by arguments and exasperation.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 22:38

OP regardless of who did what I would recommend you focus on you and your children from now on.
I would finish with the relationship until the two of you grow up.
It's very easy to get lost in the blame game and not actually ask yourself if you're doing best by your kids.

I hope your counselling works out and please don't question whether your enough. You'll always be enough in your kids eyes but they won't feel safe when mum and her partner is arguing. It's also not a positive environment for them when he's being kicked out and let back in continuously.

I hope it works out.

LordNibbler · 15/10/2019 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quotes a deleted post.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 22:40

"I was shouting at him" @pumper

Try again pet.

MashedSpud · 15/10/2019 22:41

When you find yourself arguing over the tiniest things it’s usually over.

Mephisto · 15/10/2019 22:43

mephisto let me know if you need help understanding anything in the OPs original message smile

No thanks, let me know if you need some help understanding MNHQ rules, so you don't upset people and get deleted.

Pumperthepumper · 15/10/2019 22:48

@limpylegs

i cant believe you're going mad at me for being on my feet all day

How do you explain this if not gaslighting? You can’t.

I know you’re trying to backtrack now by sucking up to the OP but it’s very clear to everyone that you’re wrong - and probably someone who has been treated similarly by similar men so sees behaviour like his as normal. It isn’t. Find better men.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/10/2019 22:48

@limpylegs

"He wasn't gaslighting. She lost her temper immediately after trying to grab the coat. He was asking her a question and she screamed in his face 5ft away!!"
I don't understand why you've decided the OP lost her temper "immediately".The OP explained the circumstances where she started shouting when her DP twisted her words to suggest she was mad at him for being on his feet all day when that wasn't what she was mad about. This wasn't immediate.

The OP particularly said she didn't scream but that she shouted from 5' feet away. So, I just don't get why you've decided she did scream at him. (You can't scream in someone's face anyway if you are 5 feet away).

It appears you have decided, without any cause, to believe the OP is lying. I'm just wondering why you would do that.