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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WIBU to kick DP out for this?

198 replies

ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 18:53

Its actually so petty i cant believe its esculated to this

DP got home from work and about 10 minutes later i decided to go to the shop. He was sat on my coat so i asked him to move as i grabbed it. He slowly slid himself off it so i pulled the last bit and said crossly "come on now" as he was still sat on it.

He asked me why i was being rude when hed been on his feet all day and i replied that it would of took him 10 seconds to stand up off my coat instead of sliding off it making it harder for me to get it

Then he says " i cant believe your going mad at me for being on my feet all day "

Manipultive as fuck. At no point before this did i go mad at him and at no point did i go mad because he'd been on his feet all day and im so annoyed that hes tried manipulating something so trivial into somthing it wasnt

He said at some point why should he stand up when hes been on his feet all day, i said it would of took 10 seconds i wasnt asking him to lift furniture or anything!

I was shouting by this point because whenever i pull him on stunts like this he doesnt look at me & i was furious because this isnt the 1st 2nd 10th time ivr asked him not to twist what i was saying

He said i was shouting in his face when i was a good 5ft away from him and i said do you realise this is why im so mad because im not shouting in your face am i?

Before anyone says im fully aware i shouldnt of been shouting, i lost my temper, ive had so many calm conversations im sick of telling him thatbhis behaviour isnt acceptable, im sick of being made to feel a bad guy because of his passive aggressiveness

Indont know if this even makes sense im still so cross about it but hes packed his stuff and left and i dont think i want him back here after this

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 15/10/2019 22:48

LordNibbler Tue 15-Oct-19 22:40:29
You sound about 13. It is could HAVE, would HAVE, not of - just thought I'd mention this as it could help you when you do your English GCSE. It is half term, right?
@IwantedtobeEmmaPeel there was simply no need for that. It was unkind and slightly spiteful.
.....
There definitely was and is a need for that.

Pumperthepumper · 15/10/2019 22:52

What is the want and need for being snide about someone’s spelling or grammar? English is not everyone’s first language, some people haven’t had the benefits of a stable home life leading to good education etc etc - what is the want and need?

If it’s to teach then why not PM? Why post publicly?

I know the answer - it’s to point out how superior you are for knowing something the OP doesn’t and to be smug about how easily you can make that clear. It’s pathetic behaviour.

Caucho · 15/10/2019 22:52

Going into rage is not on but he engineered it as so deliberately taking the initial post in good faith. So she can self flagellate herself and apologise to her kids once he’s booted out. And yes, perhaps get some counselling or something to stop the pattern of getting together with abusers

LordNibbler · 15/10/2019 22:55

There definitely was and is a need for that.

Oh and what need would that be?

WhiskeyLullaby · 15/10/2019 22:55

and probably someone who has been treated similarly by similar men so sees behaviour like his as normal.

More likely someone that describes themselves as "I'm crazy ,me" and "like marmite" ,full of banter and jokes annoying people for the sake of it then jumping up eyes wide innocent "what did I do?".

nettie434 · 15/10/2019 22:56

OP posts for advice about her relationship and instead gets told to hang up her coat and correct her grammar Confused

It does sound as if things have changed after he moved in. It’s really sad that you don’t feel you are good enough on your own. Abusive relationships make people feel bad about themselves. It sounds as if the way he twists things is not helping you and that you know this. One committed parent like you is far better than two parents who are always quarrelling.

Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:00

I asked the GP for support which is how i got my counselling, im wary of asking school and nursery as its not actually the kids i need support for,

Can anyone advise on what i should say to my children? My youngest will understand he isnt there but wont understand why where as my eldest is nearly 5 now so will understand a basic explanation

but not subject them to abusive twats, just to make up for a completely imagined "lack of" this is not a mistake i will make again. I think i need to be single until my children leave home because their real dad was abusive and their step dad was underhand with it so i cannot let this happen again

To be fair that is the way i speak, i say "you could of done that" for example. i dont think it needed to be jibbed at considering i wasnt asking anyone about my grammar ect but if digging at someone who is clearly having a rough night is what makes you feel good than crack on,

Again, thank you for the supportive comments. Some of the comments on here have really upset me and im so glad it wasnt the majority

OP posts:
WhiskeyLullaby · 15/10/2019 23:05

I do hope I haven't upset you,my post was to show you that that line if reasoning was rather silly and unnecessary as well. Your kids don't need that. They have you.

As to what to tell them, I'd go with as close to the truth as possible in a child friendly way.

"Mummy and daddy have been arguing and weren't very kind to each other so we decided it's better if we don't stay together anymore. We both love you very much, but it's better if we live in separate houses and we are much happier ."

The trickier bit will come when/if they want to see him , but you'll ride that wave when it comes.

Caucho · 15/10/2019 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:07

Whiskeylullaby

Aw no you didnt, i highlighted your post as it rang true for me, you didnt upset me your comments have been lovely, thank you for being so kind

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 15/10/2019 23:09

I'm sorry, ConfusedStressed.

Interestedwoman · 15/10/2019 23:13

He sounds a twat OP.

I'm glad you're getting counselling etc.

I haven't had much experience of abusive relationships, but from what little I did have, I found I ended up somewhat following the behaviour of my abuser in some ways for a while- demonstrations of emotions etc.

Which isn't to say you are anything like the extreme of your abuser, just that this is something I've experienced myself- that if someone's treated me badly, I sometimes, depressingly, end up repeating that behaviour- for instance I knocked a table over in a rage etc even though I like to think I'm not that sort of person at all. Again, this is just what I found, it's not based on any evidence or anything.

Best wishes for the future xxxxx

Grumpelstilskin · 15/10/2019 23:15

OP, I think those that experienced the different ways of how passive-aggressive partner gaslight someone to the point that they eventually snap, only to twist the situation, totally understand your frustration and why you need to end this relationship. He may have seemed great to begin with in comparison to a more abusive ex but this guy seems just as insidious in a different way. There are some right goady feckers on this thread who are the usual types that actually cheerlead and enable the apparently ‘reasonable’ guys who will push their partner’s buttons, deliberately twist their words and then manipulate the situations, so that their actual victim comes across as volatile when they finally raise their voice with utter frustration. Very much experienced this myself in the past and read some pretty apt examples of it in Bancroft’s book etc. Some pretty shitty response by those buying into and perpetuating the whole ‘hysterical woman’ thing.

readitandwept · 15/10/2019 23:16

Who is the message about the sent to, and who's it about?

readitandwept · 15/10/2019 23:17

*the cuddle

BettyBizzghetti · 15/10/2019 23:19

Agree with every word @DoctorAllcome wrote.

Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:20

No i think i know what you mean interestedwoman. I went to the GP as i was so irrirable. Not shouting or screaming, but on edge and snappy. My counsellor got me to do a thing on PTSD which i scored really high on and he said being irritable and snappy was very commen in people with PTSD.

I am aware that i can be like this and try very hard not to be especially around my children, which works and their both happy outgoing children.

I would of never of dared shout at ex because i would of paid for it but i did shout at dp so i know what you mean about echoing abusive behaviout

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 15/10/2019 23:22

There are some really nasty goady fuckers on this thread tonight.
I've reported lots of the comments, I hope @MNHQ acts and deletes their nasty posts.

@ConfusedStressed he's a nasty gaslighting, abusive twat. You are well rid. I'd suggest doing the Freedom Programme ASAP. And seek councelling, it really helps to unpick past abuse and work on your boundaries.
Best of luck

Catmaiden · 15/10/2019 23:23

Oops sorry OP I see you already are participating in councelling, excellent Flowers

Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:27

Readitandwept the conversation with two colours was between DP and I and the blue messages are messages i send myself

Which sounds bizzarre just saying that so ill explain. My ex used to lie & twist things in arguments so much i didnt know what was true and what wasnt. So after rows i would write to myself so that when he changed history i had it written down as proof for myself

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 15/10/2019 23:28

Not a lot to lose, hes on my tenancy ( onky moved in a month ago )

So, now he has his feet firmly ensconced under the table (or on the sofa) he is showing you how and who he is.

Why the fuck did you move a man into your house with two young kids to bring up?!

I speak as a LP. NEVER put a man above the kids you have and need to give them the best you can!

Just thank him for showing you the way forward. It's not him!

Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:45

Why the fuck did you move a man into your house with two young kids to bring up?!

I know. Ive been with him for nearly 2 years and i thought we could all be happy. Honestly? I thought because he didnt hit me or get in my face that i was lucky. And because i have 2 children he was willing to take on and look after i felt lucky

I moved out of my exes when he attacked me when i was pregnant, id never lived with a man and my children before DP and i just wanted that happy family you see so many people have

I know thats sad. I know it is. My family was fucked and i just wanted a normal family for them. Clearly im not normal which is why i pick idiots, i feel like im not enough and i feel like if they have someonr else there then irs not as bad that im not good enough.

My family are loveky when they see them but they dont live close so my children only really have me, a mum with depression, amxiety and possibly ptsd. They need more than that dont they

That doesnt mean ill be running off trying to find a new "dad" ive kearnt my lesson, im going to focus on my children now, i will not be looking to start a relationship again or im just gonna fuck my kids up and all of this will of been for nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:46

I know those 2 lines dont make sense

My immidate family was fucked ( mum dad, family dynamic ) now im older i speak/see wider family but their all far away

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedStressed · 15/10/2019 23:50

I am going to go to bed i have a massive headache. Again thank you all for the lovely comments, ive been really emotional tonight so i have really appreciated the people being kind

Thank you for the advice i have not ignored it and have looked at the freedom thing people have recomended and will look properly tomorrow,

Thank you again

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 15/10/2019 23:53

You are normal, ConfusedStressed, we all make mistakes. You've done the right thing by ending this relationship, that took a lot of courage. Your children need you first and foremost, they will be proud of you when they're old enough to understand.

Keep up the counselling. I hope life will be better for you from now on.
Flowers