WIBU to kick DP out for this?

[ConfusedStressed]

Its actually so petty i cant believe its esculated to this

DP got home from work and about 10 minutes later i decided to go to the shop. He was sat on my coat so i asked him to move as i grabbed it. He slowly slid himself off it so i pulled the last bit and said crossly "come on now" as he was still sat on it.

He asked me why i was being rude when hed been on his feet all day and i replied that it would of took him 10 seconds to stand up off my coat instead of sliding off it making it harder for me to get it

Then he says " i cant believe your going mad at me for being on my feet all day "

Manipultive as fuck. At no point before this did i go mad at him and at no point did i go mad because he'd been on his feet all day and im so annoyed that hes tried manipulating something so trivial into somthing it wasnt

He said at some point why should he stand up when hes been on his feet all day, i said it would of took 10 seconds i wasnt asking him to lift furniture or anything!

I was shouting by this point because whenever i pull him on stunts like this he doesnt look at me & i was furious because this isnt the 1st 2nd 10th time ivr asked him not to twist what i was saying

He said i was shouting in his face when i was a good 5ft away from him and i said do you realise this is why im so mad because im not shouting in your face am i?

Before anyone says im fully aware i shouldnt of been shouting, i lost my temper, ive had so many calm conversations im sick of telling him thatbhis behaviour isnt acceptable, im sick of being made to feel a bad guy because of his passive aggressiveness

Indont know if this even makes sense im still so cross about it but hes packed his stuff and left and i dont think i want him back here after this

Get rid of him.

It can be really fun on your own with kids and no man, I really enjoyed it! I’m married again now but I look back on those days and it makes me smile.

Hugs to you and sleep well xxxxx

He will be all sweetness and light trying to worm his way back in,he has been trying to see how far he can push you.

@ConfusedStressed

Hang on, he's only been living with you for a month and both kids are still under 5 yet you allow them to call him DADDY?

What. The. Fuck??????

I'm not against kids calling a decent father figure Daddy but for God's sake! If both kids are still under 5 and the eldest was 2.5yrs old when they met him he cannot possibly have been around them long enough to be calling him Daddy!!! You cannot mess with kid's lives, minds & emotions like this!

I’m sorry he turned out to be not who you thought he was & shattered your dream of the ‘Happy Family life’.

He’s right about one thing though - he IS a cunt.

You are FAR better off without him, he might not be quite as bad as your ex, but that bar is snake belly low!

You ARE enough for your kids. You’re everything your kids need. You’re their MUM & you love them

Don’t let him back in. Get the locks changed & his name off your tenancy.

Don’t fall for any bullshit, stay strong & it’ll all be ok 🌷.

rainonmyguitar Maybe the poster you've quoted has regular discussions about her relationship with her partner? I've never shouted at my husband. We discuss things like adults

The only way I believe that a couple NEVER argue, is that one of them is a wet lettuce and doesn't stand up for themselves.

Shessobrave

OP has been with him for 2 years but he only moved in last month.

I'd shout at someone who was bad-mannered and inconsiderate enough to sit on my coat and then refuse to get off it when I asked them to.

Tell him to sling his hook OP, nobody needs a twat like that in their lives.

I think anyone would have been frustrated in OP's shoes. Her partner was supposed to get the shopping but didn't. So she was having to go out to get the shopping herself. She asked for her coat but he didn't move to let her get it. She asked him to move again. He then accused her of having a go at him for being tired from working all day. When she just wanted her coat to go and do the shopping he was supposed to do.

Yup I think I would find that annoying. Sure most of us have coat racks but sometimes we do just dump things on the newel post or a sofa. And if you chose to plonk yourself down on top of someone else's coat - when they asked for it, most normal people would say 'oh sorry' and let them get it.

"She asked for her coat but he didn't move to let her get it."

"I'd shout at someone who was bad-mannered and inconsiderate enough to sit on my coat and then refuse to get off it when I asked them to."

He did move. OP said he was sliding off it but wasn't quick enough for her so she said 'oh come on now' irritably.

Shouting is never OK,

Shouting is sometimes OK. It lets the other person know they have gone or are going too far.

If you are being goaded by somebody who is determined for whatever reason to pick a fight and you've tried to cool the temperature but they still persist in goading you, then shouting is a perfectly natural reaction.

It's Ok if you have two perfectly rational people arguing in a civilised manner and keeping to all the rules of discussion, then no shouting is needed but particularly in the case of one determined to be passive aggressive and determined to drive the other one to their limit, then raising your voice is a natural human reaction. It's a warning to the other person that they've gone too far.
Try living with a passive aggressive person determined to have their fun and see how far 'lets have a cup of tea and a biscuit' goes.

Op your mental health and anxiety etc. will ease when he is out of your life. You have to put your children first obviously but you have to take your own MH very seriously as they rely on you so much. Get him out, relax and get well. He is adding to your mental load and mental problems, not helping. Once he's gone you will feel lighter and more in control and able to cope. He is a millstone.

From a legal standpoint I think you cannot just boot him out as he will have rights if he is on the tenancy. If he just leaves and goes sofa surfing though I would just let him set a president and assume he has gone and then either ask to change the locks or just change the lock on the back door and bolt the front from inside when I go out and have this as an established routine.

you can tell i've lived with my DP too long.... why was your coat left on a chair not hanging up 🙄🤦‍♀️ for that alone YABU

OP,

Shouting is something that people do when they are pushed too far.

Most people would prefer not to, but it happens.

I think you sound like an insightful woman whom is much, much stronger than she realises.

You need to be kind to yourself.

Re telling the children, keeping it simple is always best.

"Idiot and I are not happy living together. Sometimes that happens to adults. Mummy will always be here for you though. Idiot is going to live in another house"

As simply as you can, re-assuring them that everything is going to be fine.

As other poster's have written, one good parent is enough for any child.

Two fighting, unhappy parents is a lifetime of issues for any child.

You can give your children a happy secure childhood.

You are enough. You can do this.

Wishing you kindness and strength OP💐

Isn't there a name for men like this, it's called something like the Leaky Tap... never do anything overtly wrong but it's just a constant pattern of quietly passive aggressive behaviour that just drip-drip-drips until you get wound up, finally snap and lose it. Then you look like a psycho over a coat, or dishes, and feel like you have no way back because you're the one who snapped so everyone will believe it's you. But they know full well what they're doing.

OP I thought the way you put it about swapping an aggressive abusive man for a quietly abusive one was spot on, and very telling.

If you're doubting yourself this morning, don't. You did the right thing.

He said at some point why should he stand up when hes been on his feet all day – Because you are sitting on my coat your fucking dick!
im sick of telling him that his behaviour isnt acceptable – You've made a stand so don't back down. He usually gets away with it which is why he kept doign it.
im sick of being made to feel a bad guy - Well you don't need to anymore
but hes packed his stuff and left and i dont think i want him back here after this – Thank goodness for that! Keep him gone.
Someone who accuses of you of cheating just to deflect away from them is a knob-head!

Do a lot of work on yourself.
Freedom Programme with Womens Aid.
Read the Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?
Look into 'Mindfulness'

You are DC's mum. You are more than enough.
Work on believing in yourself and you will be just fine!

He came back last night at about 1am because he didnt have anywhere to go. He slept on the couch and i told him he needs to come and get the rest of his things after work

Im really glad i wrote the original post because part of me is wondering if i made the wrong decision but the majority of the posts on here agree he should of left

My kids were 1 & 2 1/2 when they first met him. His name is very very similar to daddy so when my youngest started talking ( delayed speech ) and he started calling him daddy we just rolled with it, my elder child had asked if he could be her daddy and again we rolled with it. Obviously wasnt a wise decision but when your weak and vulnerable and someone is promising you a happy family for your babies you might just be stupid enough to fall for it. Lesson is learnt.

I moved out of my exes when pregnant with my first but left the relationship when my youngest was 8 months old. My DS had never had a dad before my DP came along and as sad as it is i wanted him to have thay.

I am not overly worried about what my children will think or feel about it all, they will be upset for a short while and then they will be ok. A lot of parents split up and around here & it is fairly common that children dont see their dad or dont know who their dad is so i dont think it will bother them for long as its fairly normal for their friends not to see their dads either.

When im not emotional and its just logic i know i am good enough for my children. They are both happy outgoing kids who want for nothing, im not shy but im not as outgoing as they are and its nice to see that ive raised them to be so confident. I am hoping that with help of counselling i can get rid of the feeling that im not good enough ect.

I know where it stems from & its really sad.bBut my ex would constabtly say i was a bad mum ( ironic because he didnt live with us ) and i still hear it in the back of my head a lot. Hopefully counselling will help

I am in temporary housing from fleeing domestic violence. The counil placed me this house. My tenancy isnt secure as such, they could write to me tomorrow telling me i have 8 weeks to get out so

Because of my tenancy, dp had to have a DBS check to be allowed onto the tenancy and they told us both if there was any issues he would be immidetly kicked out so im not sure how i go about removing him but i know that it will be easy enough because of my situation ( been here for 2 years and been bidding on housea for 2 years and never move up the list )

I am going to read up on thimgs people have recommended today, thank you

well done confused and stressed you have done the most amazing thing and realised the situation/relationship is not right and not healthy for you and therefore for your DC - it can be a really hard thing for people to see it from the inside....
Dont worry about future relationships etc just take some time for yourself and dc now...... dont let him back in again.....he needs to sort himself out -I would leave his stuff elsewhere - now he realises you are serious his behaviour could change......look after yourself

So he has no friends and no family?
If that's the case I think you were easy pickings for him.
Love bombing, future faking, doing his fair share, etc.....
As soon as his feet are under the table, you see the real him.
Handy that he showed his true colours within a month of moving.
Saves you wasting any more time on the fuckwit!
Well done OP.
Get him fully gone today and be free of men for a while.

I can't even be slightly cross with my DH without him getting 5 X more cross with me. Is that the issue here?

Tell the council he's been emotionally abusive, so you want him off the tenancy. They've offered to do that if anything happened, so take them up on it.

He can sofa surf at his mate's house.

Don't waste your time trying to explain things to the goady, gaslighting fuckers popping up on the thread. They rewrite the story, so they can have a go at you. They'll never change their minds, because it will spoil their fun. Most of us understand the situation and know you're doing the right thing.

Regarding what to tell your children, I'd go with something along the lines of you and "daddy" have found that you don't make each other happy any more, so he's moved out.

@Mmmmdanone

Not really the issue. But your husband is doing that to control you and deflect from your annoyance.

The OP has been given lots of advice, some of it recommendations for reading.

Perhaps have a look.

Extreme anger is controlling behaviour which is abusive and is to keep you quiet and nervous of speaking up.

Not the actions of a good man.