DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

I was going to say the same, the other startling thing about this thread apart from the moral indignation (why is buying a depreciating car on finance better than buying a washing machine or a takeaway on an overdraft again?)
I would generally say that anyone in a decent financial place who needs to use a legitimate financial service they can afford to use is reasonable to use it, be it needing to use an overdraft for a new washing machine or finance for a new car or buying baby nursery furniture on credit card... As long as there is a clear plan to pay it off (eg. Using an overdraft for a washing machine, paying it off over a few months).

Having no money for living expenses and then deciding to shop away in your overdraft month after month is silly and irresponsible.

Spending beyond your means so often that you are thousands into your overdraft is ridiculous when you have money but choose not to live within your means.

Off topic, but just to suggest that your DH could do compressed hours too, and look after the baby for a day a week after mat leave. Don't make the mistake many women do, and see childcare as only your responsibility to sort.

Will he be paying your share of the mortgage and bills during mat leave? Is he going to take any parental leave (during which you would cover his share of mortgage/bills)?

@Huskylover1

This is mumsnet, please don’t let the facts spoil a good old pile on.

The bailiffs aren’t going to show up for a 2k overdraft that will get cleared each month OP gets paid...

You kept your debts a secret until after you were married.

You agreed to start saving for a deposit for a house but didn't, instead secretly paying off said debt.

You then got into even more debt by allowing your overdraft to increase, because you are a 'big spender' who can't exercise self-control.

You are irresponsible with money and you are deceitful with it. I would have divorced you a long time ago.

OP clear your overdraft and cancel your cards. A PP said they have £15k available on cards ICE. What kind of emergency calls for instant access to £15k?

Having any CC IMO is just temptation.

@Bluntness100 I'm not making stuff up and I'm not kidding myself on anymore if you'd bothered to read my updates. I appreciate the harsh truths from people but I certainly don't need the sarcasm thanks.

@loonyloo You agreed to start saving for a deposit for a house but didn't, instead secretly paying off said debt I don't know where you got this from. I was saving for the deposit, and paying the minimum off my cards. I then told DH about my debt and we agreed I would use the money I was saving to pay off the cards quicker.

I think the only way I can really get on top of this habit is to separate out my income. The mortgage and bills come out of my account and into the joint account automatically the day I get paid already. I am going to set up a standing order for my savings so they go straight into the joint savings rather than my personal savings account. I won't touch them that way and that will go towards topping up my SMP with whatever DH puts in. I then need to separate out an amount each month for paying off my overdraft. What would be really good is to put that into an account, again with a standing order so I can't touch it until the end of the month when I will pay off the overdraft and then reduce down. I also think it is a good idea to withdraw a minimal amount of spending money for the month, maybe £50 as I still need petrol and a few minor bits, but then to put my card away or give it to DH so once that runs out, that's it.

I know it is really terrible that I can't control my own spending and I have to take it to the point where I can't have control of my own card but I think this is really the only way to break the habit and not get into anymore debt.

Don't put yourself on such a tiny budget for spends that you can't possibly stick to it - £50 for petrol and bits and pieces seems ludicrously low to me, unless you really don't use your car much.

Set it realistically that you can have the odd treat (I'm talking a bar of chocolate or a nice coffee occasionally, not the new coat you see in the shop ). Otherwise you'll bust out and make a mess.

@category12 I dont use my car much at all. I'm working from home until I finish next month and really won't be going far. The £50 is literally £20-30 petrol and then the rest will be treats like a chocolate bar, the occasional coffee... I need to take a hard line with myself or this won't work.

Bailiffs can’t take things that belong to a third party. That’s how people can be declared bankrupt and still live in luxury - they make sure assets belong to the partner and children. If the bailiffs called here tomorrow they couldn’t take my adult DC’s stuff or my DH’s stuff to settle my debt.
Of course there is the little matter of convincing the bailiffs that it’s not the debtors stuff. I’m not sure how it could be proved but many years ago bailiffs used to knock on our door looking for the previous owner. They always left without any problem when I told them he had moved out and I don’t think I ever had to produce ID to convince them.

I'd suggest you give the cards to your husband, and he can withdraw the £50 for you and give it to you.

Based on my own experience, you may well find you can do it your way for a couple of months but then "just once" you withdraw a bit more, and off you go again.

Has the 15,000 been paid off yet?
Just not clear on where you're at.

Until you get these things paid off, stop with the dinners and other unnecessary spending. Are you still going to the gym daily? I would cancel that too.

Gather up things and sell them.

Your plans sound good OP. Once the OD starts to reduce I hope you’ll feel a real sense of achievement.

@category12 is quite right though - set a realistic budget for yourself. Include ringfenced funds for things like dentists/hairdressers/birthday presents. Don’t set it so low that eventually you think ‘Screw this, it’s impossible!’ and start overspending again.

Unless your overdraft is interest free, why are you putting money into savings instead of using that to pay off the overdraft?

It's a bit like fad-dieting though - you might lose a lot of weight quickly, but as soon as you go back to eating "normally", your old habits reassert themselves (and more). You need to change your attitude to money, not punish yourself and set yourself up to fail again. Just be careful that you're not going to make your life so unfun that it's unsustainable.

OP you come across much better in your follow up posts than in your original post. You sound determined to do something about it, good luck and i’m hope you get it under control. Be honest with your DH in the future, that’s a big part of marriage. I find it easy to flit away money that’s just there so yes, maybe having x amount to spend a month and no more is the way that will work for you.

Good luck.

What a mess. That’s quite a high degree of financial irresponsibility. I don’t see how he could ever trust you again.

Have you spoken with your dh yet @Shefliesonherownwings?

Hopefully between you both you'll come up with a solution.

OP, can you have a shared account for both savings and income with your DH? I know I am much more accountable for what I spend when it’s from the joint account than my own.

I think people are being a bit harsh. The OP has admitted her error and taken advice on board. No need to keep plugging away at it.

YABVVVU !

Exactly HOW old are you ??

To have had his support and help to get rid of debt and then to have secretly run up another 2k of debt is beyond stupid !

When exactly do you plan on joining the 'grown ups' and managing your money responsibly ??

If you carry on being the child in the relationship then I have doubts that your marriage will continue for much longer :( You need to take the initiative and be proactive in getting rid of this debt and be adult enough to deny yourself 'treats' if you don't have the money.

Have you been paying exactly 50/50 on mortgage and bills?

What will happen when you’re on maternity leave?

If DH earns £100k and you earn £15k, it seems daft to have you pay 50/50. However you left your previous job to take a low paid ones to help your career-has this paid off now?

@ FunOnTheBeach20

Maybe posters are being a bit harsh, but the OP is a bloody lawyer ! Not a naive 19yr old !

I'm afraid I'd expect a more adult attitude to money and for the OP to have learned by her mistake the FIRST time !

@ Shefliesonherownwings, time to put on your big girl pants and take control of your finances !

I don't think anything less will reassure your DH that you take debt seriously and are prepared to make sacrifices ( ie YOU make sacrifices, not him ! ) and get rid of this debt yourself, WITHOUT using him or his money to help.

So you’re married and having a baby but don’t have a shared bank account?

Because you're married and have a DC on the way surely you don't have to share a bank account?

I don't, we put whatever needs to go into the savings + a bit more for rent, bills etc and have our own money!

We haven't spoken yet. I had to go out this morning for a physio appointment before DH got up. Then I went to the library to go through all my statements and look up the online support. I wanted to have a plan of action in place before I spoke to him. I've just got back and his sister is here so I'll speak to him when she goes.

@nowayhose I'm sure you can work out my age given you've obviously decided to trawl through my previous posts. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions here and move forward. Your nasty belittling attitude doesnt help.