DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

Thank you for coming back OP and well done for taking the reality check.

The thing that still jars me from your post is this:
DH also won't be helping me pay it off, i'll do it on my own, it's my responsibility. "

Every time you say this you deny the reality that as a couple you are financially linked. Particularly with a baby on the way. What you don't pay, he pays. How will you/ can you ring fence your paying back so it doesn't affect him? If there is less money overall it affects him and the way he wants to provide for his family/ live his life/ plan his future. The way you are speaking about it as something that is nothing to do with him is not kind at all . You are hurt and you've made a mistake but treating your partner in this way is horrible for them and it's seriously damaging to your marriage.

I don't think enough information has been given to simply write off the OP as spendthrift
Other than the OP openly admitting this and them openly saying they've not changed their spending, and them openly saying they spend more than they have an aren't good with money.

To be fair to the OP she has been upfront about her actions. It just suits in places for other posters to try to spin this as though she's helpless and her husband is awful.

How are you going to the over draft op when you're supposed to be saving for your maternity leave? Are you expecting him to once again put more into the pot than uou?

Basically if you can get your hands on money you'll spend it on yourself, irrelevant of the consequences or if you've earned it. It's irresponsible greed.

Many of us couldn't live with someone who did this. You're not a child. Yours a grown woman in her thirties, who is so greedy she will spend money she doesn't have on herself whenever she can, and lie and hide the fact she's doing it.

It's really not ok.

To the poster who said she lives on her overdraft as do all her friends. What happens when you lose your job or marriage breaks down, or you become ill and can't work for a while, or your husband is ill?

My dh can be frivolous with money aswel op

Used to fucking infuriate me that I felt like the only bloody responsible adult dealing with the household finances.

It's not on. Grow up and learn to manage your money ffs.

He has bailed you out and is always paying more in than you even before you go on maternity leave so sort it out.

Sorry but it infuriates me. I eventually went batshit at dh and told him how I felt.
We have a joint account for all household bills fuel and food and a joint savings account.
We also have a joint everyday saver that we both put the same amount into each month to cover extras for the house or the kids.
It works because I know I won't be left footing all the extras like I used to.
Had I not have gone batshit and seperated accounts and organised it the way it is we would have been divorced by now.

It's not just about the money and debt op,it's about the other adult not behaving like one. It's meant to be a partnership a joint venture in life.

I worked with a woman who talked about HER debt exactly the way you are doing. She was 'a spender' too. Her dp married her and later found out about her debts when he accidently opened one of her letters - and it was an accident believe me.

They were divorced a year later, and I don't blame him. A married couple should be a team working together - and if you are hiding things from your dh that significantly effect him negatively then you are actively working against him.

At least when your dh divorces you, it certainly will be YOUR overdraft!

'living in your overdraft ' is a mugs game. After it's been once you're basically paying to access your own money each month. It's a trap that millions of mugs in the UK have fallen into.

Clear the overdraft and build up a small buffer with the money you'll save on charges. You don't even need the damn overdraft.

What @MintyMabel said

I am baffled as to why they are both still putting money into a savings pot when they both have overdrafts ( not just agreed facilities but actual debt.) Clear the overdrafts first - they are bound to be costing so much more than any interest a savings plan could offer.

Well done for coming back shefliesonherownwings. As someone who really got myself into a mess, I know that there are so many things you can do to get yourself out of debt. It sounds as if you have got better at managing your money than when you first met your husband, just that you have not changed quite enough.

First of all, overdrafts are a really bad form of debt. They generally have a daily charge and a high interest rate. Plus, it is psychologically really bad to be back in the red just a few days after you are paid. Ideally you would put your savings into your current account and remove the overdraft facility. However, you say you want to do this on your own so you may need to reduce the OD limit each month until you are back in credit.

Another poster advised you to go back over your statements. It sounds from your post that you are not estimating what you spend properly if you think you have money to spare after bills but you actually don't. You could be missing out a daily coffee habit or buying lunch. The best way to do this is to keep a spending diary of everything you spend for the next few weeks. There are programmes like You Need a Budget (YNAB), various apps or an Excel spreadsheet that will help you do this. Even a notebook and calculator will do the job!

There is a great budget template on Money Saving Expert, as others say. It records things like pet food and haircuts that we are inclined to forget when trying to plan a budget. The StepChange DebtRemedy also does this.

Once you know where your money goes, it will be easier to see where you need to target. You can also see if you have unwanted clothes etc that you can sell on Ebay etc.

It is going to be harder when you are on maternity leave (congrats on baby by the way) even if you had no debt so you will need to see where you can both economise (cooking from scratch, no takeaways etc). You also mentioned gym/phone. Pay as go go is a good way of reducing what you spend here. There is a chain called gymbox I think which is a PAYG gym. Council leisure centres are also cheaper. You could also change utility provider to see if that will reduce costs. As for cheaper meals, there are so many websites with great ideas, like Jack Monroe.

Good luck - you can do it!

Assuming your savings husband will not want to

Ignore that last unfinished sentence - should have previewed before posting!

Your dh sounds like a gem and you sound like you're taking responsibility.

HOWEVER, the baby can be (doesn't need to be) a huge opportunity to spend. There is so much you can possibly buy, and so much aimed at young mums/ mums to be, most of which is really unnecessary.

If I were you, I would really apologise to dh and offer to let him see your bank details once a month or something and to offer transparency so that he can rebuild trust. Knowing dh is looking will also help you curb the overspending.

I would hit the roof. You seem selfish and very sneaky.

You're married to a saint.

I live in my overdraft and so do many of my friends. I don't feel bad about it and I don't expect my husband to give a shit.

Which is fine if you have entirely separate finances and similar attitudes to money, and not so fine if you expect your husband to subsidise you and know that he is against any form of debt. As is the case here.

OP - it's good that you've realised this is the problem - that's the hardest part!

I hear what you're all saying, especially about the trust. I genuinely didn't think it would be such a big issue

Do you think he will trust you not to run up debt behind his back for the third time?

I don't think he will. Therefore the trust in the relationship is gone.

I think if you're 'a spender' you might find life very restricting off work with a baby. Plan how you are going to get through the months without trying to justify your 'spender' habits by claiming that it's all for the baby.

Babies need very little new. Put money away for their future if you really want to buy them something.

I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way.

Overdrafts are one of the worst ways to borrow money because of the charges. You'd be better off with a loan or a 0% credit card.

I'll be honest OP. My dad is also a "spender". He has never been financially responsible. As a child I remember not having a winter coat because I was always worried about money. My dad would freely spend and my mum would be the one making all the cut backs. There was never anything to show for my dad's spending. It was entirely selfish and utterly unforgivable. He hasn't changed. The stress of dealing with this over decades has made my mum ill.

Get some counselling to deal with your attitude to money. Work out what you get from spending that you aren't getting elsewhere. Because from my experience, I would end a relationship with someone who has done what you've done. Sorry, I just would.

Following your update I think your DH has a point but you also need to sit with him and review how you do your family finances as even if you rein in your spending, you are being set up to fail.

1. You need to be spending about the same amount on treats, coffees, clothes etc as he is. At the moment it sounds like you aren't and money falls out of your hands - you can act on that.

1. You are paid much less than him, are about to go on Mat leave but pay 50% of bills, mortgage and just pay less into savings? This just doesn't work. You need to sit down work out exactly how much money he has, how much you have and pay in proportion to your earnings. Otherwise you will always be broke and he will always be suspicious of you.

1. When the baby comes, who is paying for it? Over and over on Mumsnet you have women who are short of cash because it has turned out that they have started paying for most/all the baby things out of their money and their partner is paying little/none despite having the bigger salary. You need to sort this out now otherwise the situation will only get worse and you are labelled the spendthrift while he is the saver, when you are actually paying for 2 on half the money.

I think you’d be best getting this moved over to ‘relationships’ OP, as on the face of it, yes, it is ‘unreasonable’ to hide debt and question your partner’s frustration with that. However, you know you have lived beyond your means, you are clearly an intelligent person and you can see quite clearly what the issue is: spending. But what’s it all about? What does spending more than you earn do? Means you are financially stuck, means your DH has taken over a lot of responsibility for which he feels resentment. OK, he has made a decision to support you in the past, what’s that about for him? I think this is a relationship issue about what money means to you both in relation to power and who has it between you. He is not communicating with you any more than you are with him. You need to talk, and beneath this issue to what lies at the heart of it.

Ouch you're getting w bit of a kicking here. If I were you I'd get it moved to relationships.

Also, yes if I was him I'd be pissed off but the silent treatment is awful.

I hope you have a sensible chat.

Hes right to be annoyed OP. Youve not been careful enough despite him bailing you out. However, he does earn considerably more than you so i susoect youve got used to his lifestyle yet dont have thr funds to match. You need to have a chat. Either he reduces his spending/lifestyle to match your budget or he subsidises yours because you cant keep getting into debt

For those that have referred to the split of mortgage and bills I don't have a problem paying 50%. Yes he earns a bigger basic and gets commission but he puts more into the savings. We have always split things this way. Bills include food, pets etc...

As someone else said a lot of people I know live in their overdraft including my DH but the difference is people I know, including DH end up in their overdraft towards the end of the month and it won't be anywhere near 2k. I do know and have known for a while that 2k is way too much.

@baxdream imagine what you like but you're totally wrong. My car is 11 years old, and doesn't have finance. I have my haircut once every six months and as the hairdresser is mobile she is cheaper than a salon. I have my nails done about 3 times a year, shop in primark, h&m etc...The gym membership I do have. What I do is spend too much at high street shops and amazon way too much. I spend too much on going out for dinner, seeing friends. I don't stop and assess if I can afford it, until it gets towards the end of the month and I am approaching my overdraft limit, then I apply to extend it more. I live way beyond my means yes, but don't pretend to know what I spend my money on.

I am going through my bank statements now and in terms of maternity leave, I may go back to work after 6 months. The intention has always been for me to go back full time anyway but compressed hours, so working 4 days a week. We will use a mixture of childminder and grandparents. We have already bought most baby things, gifted a lot by our parents. I am going to put my travel costs towards our savings and my overdraft but I do recognise also that I need to get a grip on living beyond my means. This is a bad bad habit I need to break and I think this is a good time to address it because if we can save enough to prop up the SMP then I can be at home longer with the baby which is what we both want.

Again I do appreciate the wake up call but I am especially thankful to those providing actual tangible suggestions for help.

Some of the responses on here are just odd. For example no one has said her maternity leave is hers alone to fund, but what's being said is she has a joint responsibility. It's not his job to totally fund her.

And she's not got better at managing money, the debt is only not worse because he won't entertain credit cards. She's clearly asked him several times based on the fact she says in her op he always says no. And bizarrely even puts it down to him being touchy. Like living beyond your means and racking up credit and over draft debt is perfectly normal in your thirties with a baby on the way.

Op did you accidentally on purpose let him see it? Because you go on mat leave next month and want his money again to pay off the 2 grand debt, ie he subsides further your living costs whilst you pay back the two grand uou borrowed?

Why would you have savings and a big overdraft. That doesn't make sense at all.
There are few things that would break my marriage but this would be one of them. I hope you get it sorted.

Also, this is posted on Relationships.

It’s not your debt; it’s both of your debt. What sort of marriage is based on such dishonesty?
You are being incredibly selfish.