DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

YABU ! It's not YOUR overdraft, you have joint finances when he is paying more so that you can pay off your debt

You are being very unfair and need to get your spending under control

I’d leave you were I him, you’re going to drag him down

^^ This, 100% this!!!

Op you’re getting a hard time here, partly justified at the beginning but you have clearly understood that your husband has every right to feel upset with you.
If you need some help with some ideas as to how you can manage your spending, cut costs etc so you can get out of your overdraft then I suggest starting a new thread and some of us can give you ideas etc so you can get out of this situation

Do you know something? If I was your husband I would be seriously considering if I wanted to continue in a relationship with someone who behaves like this. He baled you out, he has helped you continuously yet you continue to take the piss. unbelievable

OP I'm crap with money. I was in awful debt when I met DH, and he's bailed me out more times than I'm happy to remember.

He very rightly sat me down at some point and say it was destroying his love for me. It was hard to hear, but the honest truth was that his helping was actually just enabling me to carry on. We separated our finances completely, and my wages go into his account and he transfers me a set amount each month that is purely my spending money. I'm lucky I found such a genuine and amazing person who can see past my flaws.

I think you need to be fully open and honest from now on. It's not the money per se, it's the lying about it. If you can't be honest about your spending habits, you've got an issue.

I hope you can work through it together

He has every right to be angry. You need to grow up. Get some help and be grateful he still wants to be with you.

It’s such a shame you’re pregnant (that’s both your faults) because if not he may feel more able to cut ties with you. He’s likely going to spend the rest of his life subsidising you.

Can you speak to your bank, arrange a loan that pays off your overdraft with the repayment going out when you get paid and covert you account to one with no overdraft facility.
That way after the DD's go out what is left in your account is all that's left for the month so you have no ability to overspend.
Once your card is declined a couple of times at the till the embarrassment should train you into checking your balance before spending

Your husband needn't lecture you to make you feel like walking on eggshells though. I'd be disappointed but I wouldn't flip out either. Write down your expenses for everything for a few months and you'll see a pattern of where you are overspending because it all adds up.

Ignore these nastier posts OP no one is perfect

EKGEMS
The "nobody is perfect" line is really dismissive and ridiculous. Nobody had to be perfect to look at a situation and comment.

They've had a bit of a pasting on here in places, that is true, but maybe that's a wake up call that actually it's not their husband who is being unreasonable. It can't be about "trying" to sort things. It had to be proper plans with practical movements on the financial front and then they need to begin building trust with their DH because they've been really deceptive and that will cause issues.

It sounds like they're taking steps to move forward, and could probably do with some independent advice from a credit union or CAP course to change their habits long term.

Well done for acknowledging that you aren't good with money op.

But you did keep your original debt hidden from your dh until you were married which was really sneaky and deceitful. I would be very hurt if someone done that to me. He wasn't fully aware of the facts until it was basically too late to do anything about it.

Moving forward you've really got to accept your financial limitations. No ifs no buts, if you don't have the money you can't have the item. Many people have to live like that myself included. It's hard but you just have to focus on what you do have.

You are massively out of order running up debts and lying to your dp about it.

BUT you have a bizarre relationship if the two of you don’t consider your finances shared.

Epic long post coming...

I do have some sympathy for you, OP. I am an "emotional spender" (and eater!). Little things...that all add up. The occassional big thing. Junk food. Takeaways. Luxuries that make you think you're not just working and getting no fun. Then before you know it you're hundreds of pounds down and in that overdraft. But it's ok because your wages go in at the end of the month to bring you back out. Except eventually you never get back out and you keeping praying the bank wont refuse to increase your overdraft because then you'll be really fucked.

So I would like to say well done on resisting the urge to get another credit card or other method of robbing Peter to pay Paul! It's a horrible downward spiral.

What worked for me was I opened up new bank accounts with Tesco. Two current accounts and two no-notice savings accounts. All in one app/screen.

• Wages goes in to one current account and all direct debits and standing orders come out of it - the card is in a drawer somewhere.
• A set amount is automatically sent to both savings accounts. One is never touched, the other is for emergency bills (vet, car etc) and eventually insurance renewals.
• The other current account is the spending one. I have to go on the app to transfer money to this account before I can buy anything. Just the action of having to look at the balance before transfering money is often enough to make me think "hmm maybe next month".

It's harder to spend when you have to think about it.

If this was the other way round everyone would be saying LTB! YABVVU

Check out the 12 step DA program: debtorsanonymous.org.uk/

YABU and you are making really bad life decisions. Why have you bought a house and had work done if you can’t manage your finances? Similarly, getting pregnant! What are you thinking! I had no debt and a years worth of full pay and I still struggled to cope with the expenditure of a newborn. Have you looked at childcare costs? You know you’re going to be earning nothing for years right because any earnings are wiped out by nursery fees. I really don’t understand why you would do these things until you’d got completely out of debt and built up a healthy bank balance. I don’t blame your DH for being annoyed. He’s probably working out if he can afford to divorce you right now. You’re an absolute liability.

Can I suggest you go over to www.moneysavingexpert.com and look at the debt free wannabe threads? They’re full of very inspirational, non-judgemental people who will look at your statement of affairs and help you make a plan to ensure you gradually get your overdraft down and can manage your money better. Overdrafts are a vicious cycle once you get caught in them because of the charges, the negative impact on your credit reports which could impact any plans in the future and more importantly, they are repayable on demand. The best plan would be to pay okay off the overdraft from savings, thereby saving the future interest. Then repay to your savings at a manageable amount - say £200 over 10 months. Good luck - if you’re determined you can sort this out and become a super saver instead of a super spender!

I think if you're 'a spender' you might find life very restricting off work with a baby

On top of all the rest, this is what would worry me most if I was in the DH's position; it's only too easy to imagine yet another spending spree, on the back of "it's for the baby"

Everything else has been said - and the suggestion that OP's paying in an unfair amount thankfully refuted - but overall I just hope it's not too late and the DH doesn't view the betrayal as the end of the relationship

Because I'm sorry, but it would be over for me

you did keep your original debt hidden from your dh until you were married which was really sneaky and deceitful ...
He wasn't fully aware of the facts until it was basically too late to do anything about it

Sadly, the same could be said about the pregnancy - and as a PP said, the DH may now have to subsidise OP until their child's finished education

Poor man

YABU.
Your husband is remarkably supportive, of course he is upset you've got into debt again. He didn't get angry when you finally confessed your debt after concealing it, he helped you combat it. Of course he is going to be shocked and angry you're in debt again! He is probably worried sick this is going to be a lifetime problem he has to deal with! Get out of your overdraft, tell him if you need to use it and why. No surprises and it'll show him you aren't needlessly building up debt again.

Just coming on to offer a bit of sympathy op. I put a debt reduction related post on last week under a diff name and got some truths handed to me on a plate in the same way. It was just what I needed too. Good luck sorting your situation out!

Every bit of interest is money down the drain. I don't think he is too good with it either. Why are you saving if you have debt, why take out finance, it's cheaper to have a loan or use savings. A credit card is useful if you are sensible, you are not.
The lying would be a deal breaker, but think about why.
You need to stop paying half, pay your fair share. Pay proportionally so you have similar spending money. Take into account pensions (if he has one, so do you)and all household expenses.
I think you will find you are being taken for a ride, I don't like his attitude. Get all your figures together and look at the whole situation with him. Work out what is fair going forward. Good luck

I think you will find you are being taken for a ride

Oh dear ...

Oh OP, I’m not going to harp on as I’m sure you have got the message already from everyone else about hiding debt and living beyond your means.
I never went into an overdraft but previously I would often find myself with a week to go to payday and about £5 in my bank account and more money on my cc. I also borrowed a lot of money (£6.5k) from our joint account, aka my DH, to pay for A few big things I ‘needed’ but couldn’t afford. I also have a credit card which at the moment has £1.5k on it after a couple of emergency bills and a holiday. In order to clear my debt and sort out my spending, I use spreadsheets. These help me massively to visualise where my money is going and keep track of payments. I have a debt spreadsheet that tallies what I owe our joint account and in just under a year, I have got it down from £6.5k to £2k and the rest will be paid off by my due date. I also have a wages spreadsheet that I update every month and it details every single direct debit and monthly bill that I have coming out and allows me to work out how much I can afford to pay off my credit card that month (I aim for a minimum of £200) and what I have left for ‘spending’.
I have a direct debit set up to pay our joint account as soon as I am paid and this includes my monthly contribution to our bills and my debt payment. I also pay my credit card payment as soon as I have been paid. However, be careful not to make massive payments that will leave you short as otherwise you will be back in your overdraft or spending on the cc again - it is a delicate balance.
This has worked for me and I am hopeful that everything will be cleared and payed off by March next year and will free up more money for when the baby is here. Because of being so precise about my finances now, I often find I have money left over at the end of the month that I can put in our joint account. Hope it helps give you some ideas 😊