DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

I would be livid. The utter betrayal by you. And the never sharing. And living a lie. Constantly. Trust would be fine for me. The relationship would be over because of trust.
He's given you every opportunity. I'd be down on my hands and knees genuinely begging for him to give me a second chance.

I can't understand how you can't see this.

Of course he's pissed off. He's liable for the debt if anything happens to you! You've also lied by omission, let him pay for a lot of house improvements and you admit that you can't control your spending.

I don't blame him one bit for being annoyed and I'd expect a grovelling apology from you and a plan going forward.

If it’s Your debt, I assume you have a plan of dealing with it by yourself before you go on mat leave?
I’d be really upset if I was your dh.
Let him know your plan so he knows you’ve got it under control.

I was in the same position as you when I meet now exh. We shared finances though from very early on and managed to jointly clear nearly 10k of my debt. The difference is I learnt from it, I have overdraft facilities but never use them. I have 15k available credit on ccs but that is for dire emergency, never used otherwise. I don't have a high income so I live within my means.

I would be so disappointed if I was your dh that you hadn't learned anything from last time. I'm not surprised at all that he is angry and think he's done well not to blow his top!

Having a baby is good time to sit down and, unemotionally, discuss how you're going to share your finances.

My recommendation is to have a joint account for essential bills, spends and savings then individual accounts with an agreed monthly amount for individual spending.

It does sound like you will need additional support not to overspend. MSE is a good resource.

He has a right to be upset because you have joint finances and you've deliberately hidden something that should be shared in a marriage. He's even supported you in paying off your debts and been happy for you to contribute less than you should to your shared home, and in getting a lower paid job for the sake of your happiness. You're taking the piss out of him and being bey disrespectful.

So you're rubbish with money and pass it off as being a 'spender' as if that makes it OK. If I were your DH, I'd be furious as well.

Seek advice on how to better manage your money, now is the time you should make a change to be more transparent with DH about all of these issues. He has been patient, and helpful to you but now you should change your tune and come up with a plan as a team. Good luck!

I’d be furious too, you hid debt from him, cleared it off then got into the same issue and hid it again. For me it’s not about the money, it’s about the fact you’re not honest with him about an issue you know has bothered him in the past.

YABU I would suggest some kind of counselling as you clearly cannot manage money. He’s going to really struggle to trust you in future. I am a ‘spender’ but have had to reign it in when buying houses, having children. It’s not beyond your control and one of those things it’s hidden debt and its relationship destroying.

You're married. It's his debt too. If you die it comes off the estate he's left with. And because you're married you're both responsible for your joint financial position and between the two of you it does have to be paid off.
He's right to be upset that you hid it. The most important question here is: why did you feel the need to hide it?

"Having a baby is good time to sit down and, unemotionally, discuss how you're going to share your finances. "

I think that's a bit late. Surely pre engagement, might be a better idea.

If I was OP's Dh, or Mil, I would start to question what sort of person this woman was! Seriously, there's no sharing, lying by omission, etc etc.

What way are your couple finances set up, OP? Do you do 50:50?

Just wondering if you are trying to live his lifestyle on your salary.

I’d be furious too, it would be a deal breaker for me. You’ve purposely told him, let him shoulder far more of he costs and added the huge financial commitment of a child when he doesn’t know the full facts. How will you support a child if you can’t already live within your means?

Leaving the blame out of the equation, overdrafts can be expensive (depending on your bank agreement) but more to the point they're hard to claw your way out of.

I do think that you need to take a good hard look at where you spend your money though; it you can't rein in the unnecessary spending its going to be even harder when you're on mat leave and new parents (when you really do not want any extra stress in your lives).

You need to face up to this OP. Your DH has every right to be upset and angry with you. Everything you have posted is an excuse as to why you are not good with money. What are you spending it on?

OP, as a fellow debt hider, I totally sympathise. I bid the extent of my debt until last year when I had to sort it out for work purposes, and DP and I started talking about buying a house.

I'm now in a debt management plan with all my interest frozen and on track to be debt free in 4 years. Speak to PayPlan, they're so helpful and non judgemental

It’s not just the overdraft he’s pissed off about, and he has every right to be, it’s the fact that you haven’t learned your lesson and changed your ways.

It’s very depressing to be married to a spendthrift twit where he has to be the grownup and you are the profligate child, merely calling yourself a ‘spender’ as if you and no control. What are you spending all the money on? Why can’t you stop?

And I still got a mortgage with a high street bank on a DMP

You say you're a spender - rein yourself in!

I'd stop beating yourself up (MNetters are doing that for you) and come up with some ideas on clearing the OD yourself.

Ebay stuff you don't need, resolve to stop buying coffee, yada. This stuff works. You can fix the debt on your own.

If you both agree this is the way to go, then tell DH to stop being resentful about paying for the family. He earns more, he pays more.

Very few people wouldn't be pissed off about this. The irresponsible attitude to money, the deceit, especially after he helped you pay off the last debt and has contributed so much to the house, you still couldn't control youtself.

You just keep expecting him to bail you out by subsidising your loving conditions whilst you fritter money away.

That's a piss take not s relationship
.

A spender? You are careless.. as in you really couldn't care less. You have prioritised your little treats, daily ones I would suspect. What do you have to show for that debt?

You know when us boring old farts start on about how Da Yoof fritter away house deposits, savings, pensions on cups of coffee, little bits of nonsense and phone contracts, we get taken to task quite severely. Yet here you are, having done precisely that - in fact you have frittered away the house deposit of TWO PEOPLE!

Don't expect anyone here to support you to continue as you are. You will get some very harsh words and maybe some good advice. But, as you have already had your debts consolidated, paid off and a spending clamp down within your relationship I have no idea what that advice could be.

What will it take to make you see that you are spending your DHs love and trust on a daily basis?

For what?

You should have told him when you started to struggle. He helped you sort it before and you go right back to getting into debt.

have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why,

This is your problem. You have no idea why you are spending more than you earn? Your debt problems are not because of your circumstance, they are because you are acting like a child and spending money just because you have it, without paying any attention to where it is going. If you were my spouse, I’d be pissed off too.

Stop the overdraft and put it on an interest free credit card (assuming the OD costs you money) Cut up the card when you get it. Divide it into chunks over the interest free period and set up a direct debit.

Work out the minimum amount you need on a daily basis from your account and withdraw that amount for the week. Leave your cards at home.

Go back over your accounts and work out what the hell you have been spending your money on.

You are about to be a parent. You need to grown up and be responsible.

Yes YABVU OP. He helped you the first time round, has worked harder than he did before and (I’m assuming) gone without things to help save and allow you to pay your debts off. In return you’ve done it again. Being a spender is NOT a justification, it’s an excuse.

You need to apologise and cut back on whatever you can to fix this. You’re not a child, you’re a grown woman about to have a baby- if you can’t even manage your finances properly, you shouldn’t have got pregnant.

If I were your DH I would’ve been much more annoyed at the deception.