DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

@FunOnTheBeach20 thank you. Some people clearly just enjoy sticking the knife in regardless.

Your lucky. Yabvu.

I would of left my DP over what you have done.

I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions here and move forward. Your nasty belittling attitude doesnt help. You can't ask that posters have empathy with you, OP. You have acted poorly and deceived your DH for a long time.

Trying to take responsibility won't be good enough, don't make the mistake of using that word in front of your DH. It will be a red rag to a bull, believe me.

Responsibility is something you have, as an adult, you don't try to have it
You try to be a better basketball player...

@nowayhose

I’m a lawyer too and turns out we also have our flaws!

I'd really up your spends allocation to say £20 a week and allocate money to petrol separate from treats/leisure. Train yourself not to spend it all and have some left over at the end of the month that you can be proud of and save or spend, rather than keep yourself so short you run out early every month and are scraping along miserably.

I'm not asking anyone to have empathy at all, I've said a few times I appreciate the hard truths and reality check and I do, I need to hear it. I don't have a problem with plain speaking but there is no need to be nasty or sarcastic with it. I don't think that's too much to ask.

OP, I'd really consider some therapy or counselling or something that is going to help you get to the root of why you spend and why your money management is bad etc...

Having a baby makes many people tighten their belts but it tends to make 'spenders' spend more.

There is always that cute little outfit or a toy or gadget or whatever that baby needs.

You need to address the reasons why you spend, to stop spending!!

Good idea to set up standing order for your share of bills to go straight into joint account when you get paid. You can't spend what you don't have (err, maybe once you've cleared it you should set a minimal overdraft - but whatever you do don't end up with fines for going over.)

I don't have a problem with plain speaking but there is no need to be nasty or sarcastic with it.

I don't now what the popster who annoyyed toy said but I have been very plain (though you have not acknowledged any of my previous posts) . I don't think you have yet acknowledged to yourself that you have acted incredibly badly.

I think you are still in the "I can fix this is I find the right thing to say and do" mode. Understandable, but won't get you to the place you need to be.

You really do need to say 'out loud' that you have fucked up and put your own fleeting satisfaction in front of all else.

You need to stop convincing yourself that you are trying - you don't have the luxury of trying you have to actually do

And you have to actually do all things you need to do to get yourself on better financial footing without your DHs help, approval or guidance. anily becuase you din't yet know if he can get passed this or not!

You have to stop trying and get yourself sorted for yourself and your child. But mainly for yourself.

So take that anger you are aiming at anonymous strangers on t'internet and channel it into doing all it takes to break your ruinous spending habit.

You were trying to paint yourself as the victim of your husband's "mood" in your op and you've just shifted in your replies to portraying yourself as the victim of "nasty" posters.

How is that taking responsibility?

Do you have any intention of apologising to your husband for your appalling behaviour?

Your nasty attitude is a huge part of the problem you have created and you need to wind your neck in and find some humility.

I wouldn't take petrol out of your "spending" money, OP, but other than that it's a good idea to have that limit.

Start planning now for when the baby comes. Babies can be fairly inexpensive, but you may also find that when you're on maternity leave you'll be a bit bored and fancy a stroll round the shops, and just spot a few things... and before you know it, you've spent £20 on nothing.

It's worth having a plan now for what you'll do on a wet day if you want to get you and baby out of the house - find toddler groups, library singing time etc so you have something to do.

Try not to get tempted by cute little outfits and unnecessary bits like wipe warmers! Check out charity shops and second hand sales for things that won't get used much (eg we got given waterproof pads to use in car seats when you're potty training - we barely used them, but were able to pass them on afterwards so we had them when needed but it didn't cost us anything).

Don't read parenting magazines that talk about the 'latest' pram or car seat or whatever- baby will be just as happy in a cheap one (provided it's safe, obviously).

Just get into that mindset of unnecessary spending being a bad thing. Think of it as a useful lesson for your child as they grow up!

I'm not sure why anybody thinks I'm not trying and doing. I've set up a standing order to ensure savings go straight into our joint account on payday. I'm literally sat here setting up other accounts as I type and I'm just waiting for DHs sister who is here helping him paint the spare rooms, to leave. I'm also researching some counselling or support for stopping these habits longterm. I have a good idea of why I spend a lot but I agree some professional help would be good. Although I dont want to spend loads on that either so am looking into online help.

@CuriousaboutSamphire I've acknowledged you now, that ok?

I'm going to crack on with the plan and speak to DH as soon as I can and hope we can move forward on this. Once again, those that gave me the kick up the arse I needed I am grateful and appreciate it. I don't think there is a need to be goady, to trawl through my previous posts or be sarcastic. But those who have made suggestions for sorting this I am researching them all so thank you very much. I'm stepping away now.

I would be very angry if I was your husband, and I would be checking up on you in future because I’m not sure I would be able to believe what you are telling me . None of this is good especially with a baby on the way. I would have a serious and open discussion with him tonight about how to move forward. You HAVE to change.

Incidentally, DH and I don't have a joint account, never have done - it's not essential! What we do have are similar attitudes to spending, ie we don't spend much. We could each be given £50 spending money per month and have £45 left over at the end, easily!

@Shefliesonherownwings take all the umbrage you want, but do read all of my post. It should be a given that yuo are doing all of those things, and more if you can identify them. I am talking about when you discuss this with your DH.

Do NOT tell your DH that you are trying tell him you are doing - the linguistic difference is HUGE!

YOU fucked up, he didn't. YOU fucked up again, he didn't. If you mean to put it right this time you have to acknowledge that and not say trying as that is a pitiful word, almost a built in excuse.

You never know, he may not be all that pissed off... if he has saintly qualities. But you have to do everything you can for YOURSELF!

You need to protect yourself more in the future. Once you have paid off the overdraft it is best to go to the bank and disable the possibility to get into overdraft. They will try to talk you out of it but just insist, it can easily be done. Also, never have a credit card ever again. If you need it to but something online, transfer the funds to your DH and let him order it. If you don't have the money, then you cannot overspend.

And for the rest you need a budget which incluses saving for extra's/christmas/what ifs. This is basic maths.

2k is not that bad but you must prioritise paying it off. And as for your DH try and think how shocked he must feel... it's not about the amount it's about the fact that you covered up a large debt from him before and now it appears you have done it again. Remember that before you get defensive with him... it's only natural he would be hurt by this. It doesnt matter that the amount is smaller it's still hurtful. As a married couple who own a home together and are having a baby, it's important to know the general state of each others financial affairs... and 2k is a big chunk of money. I do agree that it's not a massive debt and you should be able to deal with it, but that doesnt make it okay to have not been upfront about it. I think you need to sit down with him and just apologise for hurting him by concealing it when you know what he must've gone through last time... assure him you are dealing with paying it off and really mean that. Make it a priority to get rid of it because you dont want it escalating as your income goes dow due to being on maternity leave.
This doesnt have to be a big deal if you just address it properly now without getting defensive or trying to cover things up or minimise them. Just apo,goose and then sort it out.

The £50 is literally £20-30 petrol and then the rest will be treats like a chocolate bar, the occasional coffee... I need to take a hard line with myself or this won't work.
It makes me laugh you talk about taking a hard line but buying treats in the same breath. You're clueless.

My ex husband hid debt to the tune of £10k.
I went absolutely ape shit when I discovered it. I insisted on taking control of the finances. He was to use the joint account for groceries, fuel, etc and had £200 cash a month that he could spend as he wanted.
I shifted it to a couple of interest free credit cards and paid it off.
It wasn’t the money so much, it was the fact that he wasn’t open and honest with me.
It was stressful and hurtful.
I would never want to be with someone who lived beyond their means and concealed it.
You’re meant to be a team.

I'd be pissed off too. YABVU.

Not only is your DH married to someone who conceals debt, he's married to someone he can't trust.

I'd be devastated in his position. It would change how I felt about my P.

What OP needs is a long-term change with her attitude to money and debt. Expecting her to cut out every bit of spending and every treat (and wear sackcloth and ashes and beat herself daily) isn't going to achieve that. That's purely about making her life miserable, it's punishment and it's unsustainable.

She needs to teach herself to live within a budget and, importantly, to include the nice things into that budget.

You’re walking on eggshells?

He will be in a mood?

You poor thing.

You realise as he’s joined finances with you his credit rating is taking a beating because of you?

I’d leave you were I him, you’re going to drag him down.

I expect to know my if my DP is headed towards debt, because it affects my credit rating too.

Bet you’ll be back in your £15k and counting debt by the time you finish mat leave. And it won’t be your fault at all. You absolutely need to spend money on absolutely nothing of substance.

You poor DH, he’s shelling out to finance your lifestyle and put a roof over both your heads and you feel entitled to drag into debt.

What a catch you are.

Wow, at this point it's probably not about the 2k (although that in itself would be enough to make me hit the roof) but you've deliberately deceived him over a long period of time! I would 100% be seriously questioning my relationship if I was your dh!