DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

@Bluntness 100 yes that's exactly what I did. I just want him to subsidise my extravagant high maintenance lifestyle so I can continue like this and end up divorced. Jog on.

I mentioned CCs probably twice to him when we were looking at buying things for the house as an option. Somethings can't be bought on finance so I asked what he thought about a CC. He said no definitively. I'm not constantly asking to get a credit card for gods sake.

I just want him to subsidise my extravagant high maintenance lifestyle

But that is what you've been doing OP and you seem to be annoyed with him for being angry about it.

As a former Bank Manager, who specialised in Debt Recovery for decades, can I please point out that OP'S DEBT IS NOT HER HUSBANDS DEBT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

A Creditor cannot pursue a Debtors spouse for repayments against a debt, unless that spouse is a Guarantor or has provided some kind of security for the loan. Which Op's Husband has not done.

To the poster who said she lives on her overdraft as do all her friends. What happens when you lose your job or marriage breaks down, or you become ill and can't work for a while, or your husband is ill?

It counts against you if you have paid off your house or have more than £14,000 in savings in terms of paying for care, you would have to pay for social care (e.g. dementia) yourself. This wouldn't personally stop me buying a house or saving money but there are a lot of perverse financial incentives in the system.

I'm not saying the Op should carry on, but all the - your husband should divorce you, you are selfish crap is ridiculous. It's clear the OP can rein in her spending,and this will hopefully be a corrective action. But collapsing a marriage where there's a baby on the way due to a £2000 overdraft and where the OP has been under a lot of pressure to provide 50% when she does not earn 50% of the wages is equally ludicrous.

If you earn less and will continue to earn less are you going to be able to continue contributing 50% to bills. What happens when you need a newer car?
You’ve got two issues here, one you’ve admitted to which is spending too much and two your DH, he’ll have to start contributing more than 50% as your income drops .

Huskylover1 I was going to say the same, the other startling thing about this thread apart from the moral indignation (why is buying a depreciating car on finance better than buying a washing machine or a takeaway on an overdraft again?) is that there's some real misinformation. You can be entirely separate from your husband's money if you want if you have no joint credit cards/mortgage (I don't) and you do not owe your husband's debt or he yours. He certainly isn't obliged to pay off your £2000 overdraft!

I can see why he is upset

Well done on going through the statements, I did it years ago and what I saw as a treat of a cd or top addedup to a nice holiday I couldn’t afford.

Is there anything you can return to amazon or the high street?

There are ways of earning amazon vouchers through survey sites such as Swagbucks or snap my receipts (I use DH work receipts as I’m too frugal to buy sandwiches or takeout food)- I use these for the occasional treat and Xmas presents.

I used to be a spender and now I hate spending money, I also converted DH and now we are both as careful as each other. Necessary spends are paid off in full with a Tesco credit card and through cash back website if possible and I try to have side hussles as possible

YABVVU
Your husband has been funding your spending as you have contributed less than your share to everything. Most people wouldn't do that to someone they cared about.
You need to set yourself a daily budget for any non essentials, anything from a few pounds. Make sure you don't go over it and start to pay off your debt and build up some savings.

OP if you spend a lot on clothes, it might be worth going through them at some point and sorting them into piles of donate, try and sell (depop is great), and you will probably find some you forgot you had which you can give a new lease of life to. I did this on maternity leave, and although I didn't fit into them at the time, I kept the ones which either had a bit of give in them or I thought I might reasonably and safely fit back into. It was like I had a whole new wardrobe! And I had a few £ coming in, especially from shoes I didn't wear anymore. In terms of dinner out etc, plenty of nice places do discounts and offers; Prezzo for example usually has 50% off and it's a nice atmosphere and the food is good. Alternatively I sometimes get a tap water with whatever food I'm having as drinks add up. The thing that helped me cut back on spending (id gone from just paying rent but having a lot of disposable income every month to buying a house and having a baby within a year!)- was to realise that I didn't have to give stuff up necessarily, but just change and adapt.

People who live beyond their means very rarely change, it is built into their mindset. If you love him, I would suggest there is one bank account in his name, and your wages go straight in it. You only get a budget allowance from now on. You married him while in debt, he obviously loves you, but if he decides your too greater risk and leaves, you have not lost out financially, cos you had nothing.

I just want him to subsidise my extravagant high maintenance lifestyle

This is exactly what you've been doing op. And pretending you don't look to see if you can afford before you buy stuff or go out, is just silly, you know you can't if you're living in your over draft.

You're anonymous here, so making stuff up or kidding on it's something it's not when everyone can clearly see the truth of the matter is just daft.

I've been in debt.
I've been a frivolous spender.
I've had to live on nothing (family took me in)
I've had to face up to my inability to manage my finances.

Some people will be harsh to you because they have learnt how to manage finances well.

It's so easy to slip into an overdraft. It's one of the main reasons I dont. have one now.

I think the best foot forward is to apologise to DH (he helped you before and you got yourself back into debt, for various reasons but still...). Admit you were wrong not to let him know sooner that you were struggling. Present the action plan that once you get out of the overdraft, you are going to cancel it. Plain and simple. Don't have an overdraft if you struggle with financial management.

However, I would be slightly annoyed at the fact he lauds the mortgage deposit over you. It reminds me of my ex a bit - he would use money to manipulate me... be wary there.

You can’t afford to buy anything at all for yourself until all this debt is paid off.

As a former Bank Manager, who specialised in Debt Recovery for decades, can I please point out that OP'S DEBT IS NOT HER HUSBANDS DEBT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

So if the bailiffs show up, they won't be able to seize any items because they are jointly owned? Of course they can. Therefore it is de facto his debt too.

Op i think yanbu, it’s your overdraft and it’s got nothing to do with him as long as your keeping things up your end, for example paying your half of the mortgage and bills.

Doesn't matter whether the OP is paying proportionately more. The responsible thing to do when she realised she was creeping into overdraft would be to have an open and honest conversation with her DH and to look closely at her outgoings.
Hiding it again was the wrong thing.

My mum, and my nan, are also "just spenders". It pisses me off they leave everyone else to deal with their stupidity. Your poor dh.

Your husband had been fair. You need to own up to being in debt. You have to learn to live within your means. No more over draft.

You have to look at the roots of this behavior. Because it's had such negative consequences and you now have a child to think about you need to find a way to break the pattern.

metro.co.uk/2018/05/23/oniomania-the-behavioural-disorder-that-goes-beyond-being-a-shopaholic-7557837/

I'd be furious too.

Honestly I think you should ask your back for a non-Visa debit card if possible, or cancel it if not. Then you won’t be able to spend so easily on the stuff you don’t need. In fact I suggest that until you finish maternity leave you don’t buy anything from your account as you can’t afford it. I also suggest you put a little aside each week (5-20 pounds) into a seperate non-debit card account (in a different bank to make transacting more difficult) and keep that going as a standing order forever. This will get you in the habit of saving which you desperately need to build - remember poor attitudes to money management can be passed down to your kids. You absolutely need to make changes now.

YABVU. I would be fuming if I was your DH. Have you read your post back to yourself. You seem to have a very odd relationship with money. What's the difference between CCs and loans and "finance"? And why do you keep asking your DH about opening a new credit card then he quite rightly wants you both to stay out of debt when you have worked hard to get rid of a huge debt before. You need to accept that he is angry and apologise and hope he forgives you. You have betrayed him again by hiding things from him again and I imagine he will be finding it hard to trust you. You will need to do all you can to rebuild that trust and not making excuses like you have in your OP will be a good way to start.

Going forward, you also need to start budgeting. You are spending more than you earn and that's a habit you need to get out of. You will feel better by having more control of your money than feeling like its controlling you.

I use You need a budget which I find is fantastic and it has some good debt repayment tools but you could do a budget on paper - some people use a book where ALL their spending gets written down. Or a spreadsheet. Or there are banking apps. The money advice service also has lots of good budgeting advice on their website.

Take control. Stop hiding things from your partner. And stop spending more than you earn - being a "spender" does not provide you with any more income. If that's your inclination you need to learn to rein it in.

I think there are 2 things going on here.

Firstly the OD is your debt and concealing it was a betrayal.
Dismissing it because your a Spender and so that means you are going to spend beyond your means each month is not an excuse.

OTOH you earn different amounts.
You can’t be expecting to pay 50/50 for the house and everything else unless the place you bought was based on your deposit and your ability to pay 50% of the mortgage.

Whilst keeping your own accounts could you add up your monthly salaries and any other income.
Put the amount you need each month into an account to pay the bills.

Put a set figure maybe a smaller amount at this moment in time into a joint, both signatures needed savings account and divide the rest with a proviso that you use your half to pay down your od and live quite frugally untill your OD is gone.

Then you can up your savings when the OD is gone.

Your dh will have more money to spend whilst you have your OD but once it is gone you will have equal spending money.

To keep you within your limits of spending each week I would take out a certain amount of cash each week and when it is gone it is gone and you can’t spend more than the cash you have in your pocket.

Anything over at the end of the month goes back in the bank towards paying off your OD

If you are a spender I presume you have stuff in the house that you could sell to reduce your OD quicker.

Even selling niknaks for £1 is worth it if you sell 10/20/50 things.It all adds up.

Make sure if you do buy anything on line you go through Quidco or Topcashback

And make sure you are getting the most competitive rate for your power and insurance premiums

Babies are expensive so look to buy things that are 2nd hand

I used to frequent the NCT Nearly New Sale.

You could get everything from baby equipment to maternity wear for a fraction of the cost

Whilst you should be living within your means having a partner who earns more money than you means you have a struggle to keep up.

If I was your DH for me it wouldn't be about the money as such or the lying/omitting to tell him but the fact that we wouldn't be on the same page. He's probably already going to have to step in a lot financially when the baby is born and that's fine but he now probably has the feeling he's the sole caretaker of finances and you're the irresponsible, immature one that can't get her act together - because let's face it, spending like that is immature. I think that feeling is a burden. That he probably realises that he can't quite trust you with money and never will be able to as you've not proved yourself. That, is what I'd be pissed off massively about.