DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

@Shefliesonherownwings - when our dses were little, and I was a SAHM (because even as a higher grade staff nurse, the nursery costs for the dses was 100% of my take home pay), we lost control of our finances - we used our overdraft every month, and credit too, for bigger expenses. We paid off the credit each year with dh’s bonus, but it was still not sustainable - so I can empathise with your situation.

You need to do what we did - make a detailed budget.

Start with your take home pay. Deduct the fixed outgoings - your share of mortgage, utilities, insurance, household expenses like food, and your debt repayments.

What is left is discretionary spending - gym membership, meals out, Amazon shopping. Add it up - what can you afford? It sounds as if you can’t afford the gym and the social life you want - so where will you make cuts? If you decide to keep the gym membership, add that cost to the fixed outgoings - if you lose the gym membership, you cannup your ‘fun’ spending.

Either way, you end up with a pot of money that is left over after all the things you have to pay - divide that up into a weekly amount - that is what you can spend on a social,life, Amazon shopping etc.

Initially you will need to keep meticulous accounts - writ down everything you spend, and subtract it from your ‘fun’ money. If you have spent all of the week’s money STOP SPENDING - no more meals out or shopping. If you know you have a meal out at the end of the week, set that money aside and don’t spend it. Don’t get into the habit of dipping into next week’s money - if you start doing that, you’ll find yourself with weeks left before payday and no spending money left.

As time goes by, you will find that this becomes a habit, and you just know how much you have spent (not to the penny, but close enough for jazz), and you won’t need to be so rigorous with your bookkeeping, and you will be able to see where you can find money to save.

It isn’t easy - I really do know this - but it is do-able, and if you can show your dh a concrete plan, a proper budget, that may well help to reassure him that you are taking this seriously and are dealing with it properly. Hopefully this will help him learn to trust you over finances again.

Apologies if this looks like a lecture, or seems patronising - it is meant as genuine help and advice, @Shefliesonherownwings.

Try following dave Ramsey op

As I'm sure you are aware now, you were really out of line.

I hate debt, I have worked bloody hard and except my mortgage, I have bought everything cash, I have never ever used a credit card and make it very clear to my DH if he ever needs to use a credit card or overdraft, we talk about it first.

I have to say @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius has the best advice, absolutely everything needs to be itemised and set into fixed costs or variables that can be cancelled.

As you are obvious aware now, this needs to be sorted before your baby arrives and if you can not stick to your new budget schedule, you need to seek help for a spending addiction. Think of it as whatever you are needlessly spending your are taking from your unborn child who really could need it.

Even when you have a good savings pot squirrelled away, once you are off with baby it's easy for it to start to Diminish .... Save, save and more saving and don't go mad once baby is here, they really don't need alot of "stuff"

Good luck OP.

@ Shefliesonherownwings

I wanted to understand a little more about you as a person, so I looked at some previous posts. I find it helps get a 'handle' on how you might think etc. It also gives me a little more information with which to plan my response.

If you were a naive young person, I'd have been more understanding in your situation as we all learn from our mistakes and we were all young and naive at some point.

However, finding out that you are NOT young and naive, and nor is this your first mistake concerning debt, I'm of the opinion that you needed a harsher reality check, as you have decided that after paying off your first considerable debt, you decided to NOT change your spending habits, and to hide this from your poor husband ( who has been incredibly understanding and supportive).

The fact that you should be well aware that YOUR debt affects your husband as you are both 'financially linked' through marriage, address, etc and that he has already helped to bail you out last time, but yet the tone of your OP was that you were looking for understanding that as it is YOUR bank account and YOUR debt, he should more or less 'mind his own business' !

I'm afraid I've got little patience or kind words for someone as selfish and self centred as that, when they have the age, intelligence and experience that you do. :(

I'm also researching some counselling or support for stopping these habits longterm. I have a good idea of why I spend a lot but I agree some professional help would be good. Although I dont want to spend loads on that either so am looking into online help.

I think this is a really good idea OP. But this is also the one time you don't want to scrimp. This really is an investment. Work out why you are doing this, because if you don't fully work it out this need to spend will come out somewhere in some way. You're trying to fix something or cover something and you need to work out what.

You speak about this being your debt, but since you have linked financial obligations (i.e. your joint accounts or mortgage), then his credit file is linked to yours. That means if you had bad credit history then this can directly affect his chances of getting credit in his name in the future.

So, although he's not liable for debt in your name, it can still affect him.

I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said. Hope you get your financial situation sorted OP and hope DH is not too harsh on you, although I can completely understand him being annoyed.