I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time

*I've pretty much physically broken down over it at least three or four times in the past year.

Then it will get better for a while, before the inevitable slide back into the same old same old*

The fact you have to negotiate to go to a Pilates class

The incident with the note

Turning up 2 hours early to pick you up

Whilst this all might have started out as anxiety it is now controlling.

You need out and you also need to take control of yourself.

Only you can let him back in your life.
Only you can lay down the boundaries.

OP, you haven't wasted 30 years of your life. There are going to be lots of positives in it including your dc.
It is more moving forward how does your behavior need to change to get the best life for you, your dc and your DH.
You are not responsible for your DH but enabling his controlling behavior doesn't help him anymore than it helps you or your dc.
Compromising is a totally normal part of life but not to the point where you lose yourself. It is about finding the right balance moving forward not pulling apart every decision you made up to now.

That's a lovely and constructive post from NettleTea
OP - take some time for yourself and re read this thread. You've been given advice that is making you look again at this relationship - it will take a while to see things from the perspective of what is good for you and your child rather than what matters to your OH.
Wishing you well.

also the fact that there is an improvement when you point stuff out, which then slips back, kind of shows it is not beyond his control otherwise he wouldnt be able to improve at all.

My fathersuffered from some very extreme anxiety and mental illness - a couple of bouts over the last 30 years.

when he was unwell there was no way, without some serious medical intervention, that he could have improved and then slipped back - this is more the role of someone who is using their mental health to control someone.

At the moment he sees no reason to adress any issues - it doesnt affect him that much and he gets alot out of it - he gets to control what you do and ensure that HE is first in everything you want to do or consider - even to the point that you have had 2 stillbirths and have not even had the mental space to process that, because he has used it to crank up the ' what about him' and his needs in it all.

He may get funny and twitchy if you socialise, but I bet you are watching him, looking out for the signs so that you can leave, rather than enjoying yourself. He probably doesnt like you mixing with his social group because maybe you might find that he doesnt have these issues with them, or you may blow his cover with them.

You have been trained by him to view his controlling as him caring. Turning up 2 hours early isnt caring though - its highly manipulative and designed so that you are aware he is there and cant relax - did you leave early by any chance? Even if not Im sure you couldnt forget about him while he was in the car outside.

take a read through these profiles - there is one at the end that talks about people with MH or addictions www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Yes I copied and pasted it on this thread, several pages back

turning up 2 hours early sends the message that you ought not to be out having fun at all...talk about raining on your parade!

OP, I think it's good that you spoke with him and have made it clear but agree with others that whether or not he has mental health issues doesn't excuse many of his behaviours. I really hope for both of your sakes that he can work through this because at the moment, it does feel like you are the one who is most impacted by his anxiety and that worries me.

Ninkaninus' comment: A lot of people who are controlling are that way because of misguidedly trying to manage anxieties or compulsive disorders. It’s not always because a person is inherently nasty/abusive/whatever.

Doesn’t change the fact that OP doesn’t need to manage it, nor be forced to live with it.

Really resonates with me. If I could have this printed on a postcode for my SIL and have her really LISTEN I think it would change her life. And I think it's the same for you.

You see, deep down inside, I know. I know growing up in my family was oppressive and led me to make decisions to cope that weren't what I truly wanted or needed. I know many of my friends have sought to control and change me. I know that is true of almost all my ex-boyfriends. The pressure to "conform" has been with me my entire life.

But actually having to face all that head on? Woah ... To finally have to process that I've probably wasted thirty years of my life? That I'm not actually the person whose life I inhabit? That my choices were never truly my own, but always compromises?

The alternative is...?

Therapy will be hard. But you have already attained a great deal of insight. The hard part will be expressing it all for the first time, hearing the words, staring at it all. With the help of the therapist you will be able to come to grips with it and gain an appreciation of your strengths and how you can use them for your own benefit. You can't expect a personality transplant but you can work on your own boundaries and on assertiveness.

Your goal should be gaining more confidence in yourself and developing better-formed instincts (the ability to put your own self interest first) as you face the choices that will be yours.

Time itself will heal the wound of feeling you have wasted your life. That and space.

You will be able to get on track again. You will feel you own your own life.

Now you have talked to him and threatened divorce and suddenly he gets a doctors appointment and starts to do something.

I might be cynical but for how long this time will he keep things up.

As you have said before, he has driven you to breaking point before and then changes for a little while.

What makes this time any different.

You have threatened divorce this time but do you think by next October he thinks you will have forgotten or will he fall off the wagon then get back on it next September for a while?

You say that , if you break up and divorce, your DH would end up staying over and you would be in the same place emotionally but with a smaller house because your assets were split.

This would not happen because you would not allow him to stay over, and if he tried to force you to have him in the house, you would go to a lawyer and get a court order to keep him away.

He might be kind and nice and love you but, OP, your DH is under the influence of some kind of psychotic disorder he cannot deal with and you need to get yourself and your DD away from the situation. You are right that you will be a prisoner of his ‘anxiety’ ( control) forever if you do not do something about it.

My DH is prone to trying to take control and is subject to irrational actions (locking doors, dictating what I do, holding extreme and irrational opinions, being angry and grumpy and so on) and I resist by calling him out on it and refusing to accept the nonsense. It is wearing but I am just about able to live with it. When it got very bad I said we should have an amicable divorce and split the assets and this sort of did the trick. He has cut out the rowing and fighting to a very large extent. It sounds as if your DH is one stage beyond this.

Next time you need to go out
Drive yourself & go out !
You need to stick to what is normal
It's not normal, to get a friend to drive you

You also both work from home
More control
Can you work somewhere else ?

You need to tell him clearly that you need to do normal things
Do you visit family or friends on your own ?
Do you do hobbies or sports on your own ?
Do you go shopping on your own or with family or friends ?

OP, I'd like to recommend a book to you: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: how to end the drama and get on with life, by Margalis Fjelstad.

Ignore the fact that it's about BPD/NPD. I think its principles can apply really well to dealing with loved ones with a variety of personality or mental health disorders.

Much of the focus of the book is not on the disordered partner, but on yourself--the kind of super-conscientious "caretaker" type who often ends up in relationships where we have to compensate for the other person's mental health issues.

No matter what happens with your husband, I think you might find some useful insights for yourself in it that can help you, whether you two stay together or not.

You are obviously a really kind caring person and that's wonderful. But a book like this one might help you get a handle on how to be kind and caring without going overboard and letting your boundaries be trampled (e.g., thinking that if you divorced, you'd have to let him sleep over at your house and he'd be just as present in your life as he was before).

Best wishes.

Why are you giving him a year to change ?

Why are YOU putting up with so much xxxx ?

@Oliversmumsarmy

I am determined to keep to the deadline this time.

We've never been in the position where he is actually taking this kind of medication before. From what I gather, the first few weeks of sertraline can be quite hardcore and he reports feeling greater anxiety at the moment.

And I can feel it. It's actually making me feel a bit jumpy myself.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I didn't realise DH was actually this ill before last Friday (when I posted this thread). Now it's kinda hitting me and I feel very shaken by it.

He's been talking about it more, and I'm realising the extent to which his problem has infected practically every aspect of our lives. Also over this weekend, I've been doing a lot of work on why I can never manage to do certain things and it all comes down to the dynamics in our household that are warped by his anxiety.

I really don't know how this is going to turn out. I really don't.

We've never been in the position where he is actually taking this kind of medication before

Call me cynical but you have never mentioned divorce before

I've said it was heading towards that before. We've had blazing rows over it in the past.

I guess I now find myself in the position where the cause is kinda moot. This situation is that I've been living in this environment for 13 years, and I can now see how it has affected a whole range of aspects in my life. I'm not sure how I can process that, or if I can forgive it.

I've been troubled for years that there seemed to be a phenomenon in my life where no matter what I did, I never seemed to get anywhere. Nothing ever seemed to change. I knew enough to realise there was something in my life that was preventing change, that kinda put a brake on things. It drove me bonkers trying to figure out what it was.

Now I suspect it might have been Dh's anxiety: all those subtle coping mechanisms he has, the constant subtle compromises I made ... they wove a huge web that trapped me in place.

Now I feel both angry and gutted. All those years wasted. Years that I will not get back. There's this sense of grief over it all.

We should have sorted this years ago. I am so angry he hid it for so long.

No, you won't get those years back. But you can claim the years ahead of you as yours. No more pandering. No more of your world shrinking to fit into his.

Have you some real life support, OP?
There's a lot for you to process and to start to move away from the grip that his anxiety has had on your life.

No, you won't get those years back. But you can claim the years ahead of you as yours. No more pandering. No more of your world shrinking to fit into his.

This is very true. Also, you can regard your time together as something that helped you grow and learn ... I had to regard my marriage to someone rather similar to your H as equivalent to doing a postgrad degree ... very stressful, left me broke, but I learned something I wouldn't have learned any other way (I guess) and it's made me a far more capable and mature person now. I know it's easy to get bogged down in thinking "How could I have been so stupid"--you weren't stupid. You were caring and you were trying your best with the emotional tools you had at the time. You are now learning to use new tools which will help you make an even better life for yourself and DD, no matter what happens to your marriage.

It sounds like if this is going to work out, you are both going to have to do the work. You seem to be aware of this and are in the "OMG this is overwhelming" stage (totally reasonable). Your Dh is claiming to be in the "I really need to get on top of this now" stage. The trick is to work out if you can both move on and up.

From your perspective, why don't you pick just ONE thing that you really really need to change. Perhaps it's that you really want to be able to go out one evening a week without a million compromises. But it could be anything that you have been feeling suffocated by. Tell DH that this is your line and this is the thing YOU want to start with. And then do it.

If his anxiety is real etc etc, this might be very hard for him but even so, if it's just one thing, perhaps it will be useful for him. And if he's using this to manipulate you, then he really can't do anything but accept your new line.

Then over time, you introduce more such things> theoretically, this should be happening simultaneously as he's doing the work to make all this possible.

Is he medicated ? If not why not ? Surely a good dose of propranolol would help him? It must be awful though..

Hi OP. I've been reading the thread and whilst I'm not sure I can offer any advice I do know what you're going through. I've been in a similar situation for a long time. I don't want to go into details here as it is very outing, but I'm happy for you to pm me if you'd like?

What I will say on here is that no-one who hasn't lived and loved someone with serious mental health problems can possibly imagine what it is like. I understand how the behaviour can be interpreted as abusive and controlling, but it comes from a place of absolute terror, not dominance and when you love the person beneath the fear it is very hard to walk away. That said, there comes a time when you do have to protect yourself and your children emotionally.

If you'd like to chat, message me. I understand though if it's a step too far.

In a very unmumsnetty manner, much love to you x

I'm not one to bang on about counselling but it does sound like you need to thrash out what's becoming clear to you.

Not sure it's been mentioned recently but please think of your child. You've accepted x years of his behaviour and it's shaped your life in a bad way. Don't let his anxiety/control affect her life.