I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

He is abusive because he is controlling you & using his mental health problems which he refuses to medicate to keep you under his thumb. Please see this for what is really is. I hope you can get out of this toxic relationship. He won’t change, he doesn’t want to. When you try to leave I predict he will have a total meltdown, possibly threaten suicide etc. He will promise to change only when he himself becomes discomforted by his fears he is losing you. He sounds so suffocating, your life will only become better once you can escape his controlling ways.

Does he care about the impact it’s having on your life?

Does it affect him going out? If he was the one going out tonight, would a friend need to give him a lift or would he drive himself?

Also want to add isn’t it funny how it’s only you he gets anxious about in this way. Not family members, friends, co-workers, kids, etc... this is not anxiety. He is just telling you it is anxiety so you will pander to his supposed mental health problems. If it was actually a mental health issue causing him such anguish he would medicate it. He likes living this way, he gets an emotional payoff from it.

The way you describe him he's like a huge limpet that just clings on to you and you can't get rid of

at what point is it going to move onto your DD and he is going to let his anxiety control you and your daughter. It is already affecting her because he cant parent properly

you need to break away properly

Sounds terrible and can empathise with you both. Proper discussion time - maybe as a pp said, he goes and gets support for a year or two (or forever!) or you leave. I can understand why he wouldn't want to medicate. I envy those who can, but I am afraid of those types of drugs.

I absolutely empathise OP. My DH is similar. Not even vaguely to this extent, but I do understand the frustration of completely illogical arguments which hinder doing something I want to do. He has over the years eased of thank god, but it doesn't sound like yours has. His anxiety for instance about me taking the kids somewhere is now low key. I'm not sure if this is because they are older, or because I have stopped putting up with his sht. Because it is sht. Its not a life you're living. Its a prison without walls.

Well to be fair if he didn’t cling so tight then the OP might go out on her own & meet someone else better. Deep down that is his issue. He knows he is a boring person who is unworthy of her. He hates himself, he doesn’t want the OP to go out & enjoy her life. He wants her to stay & sooth his ego so he doesn’t have to be alone in his own company. He hates being alone. Misery loves company. He does not have anxiety or it would affect other aspects of his life. I hope the OP can get out & leave him behind. Otherwise her life’s work will be spent propping him up. It sounds so exhausting. Imagine being with someone who didn’t want you to go to a class & have some personal free fun time without them there. I feel anxious just thinking about being tied to someone like him

Oh this is no way to live, OP.

I agree with the others that, while it might on the outside be framed as anxiety, it sounds very much like abuse. You are modifying totally ordinary things you do because you are responding to and anticipating his anxiety, which will affect you and your DD dreadfully. That's walking on eggshells. And it will also be your DD in a few years.

All the while he is not sticking with or to therapy and refusing to explore medication. He doesn't want to get better, does he. And that's probably because you are the one suffering the adverse effects of his anxiety.

I bet he manages to hold it together and function at work.

It's so hard because you so very clearly love him. But it sounds completely untenable.

One of the first ways in which my ex started to abuse me was through his anxiety and OCD. He didn't want help for it, and even lied to a counsellor to claim that it had no effect on his life (or anyone else's); the problem was me. But actually, it was just a means to control me and have me walking on eggshells (and eventually DS too).

I remember posting on MN asking if it was just OCD (and me just not being understanding and supportive enough). The answer I got, as you are, is that it's abusive. It is not ok to use MH to control your partner, not should anyone be insisting that a partner takes more responsibility for their MH than they're willing to.

I'm not sure I have any useful advice. And I'm sure your DH is a much nicer person than my ex. But I really recognize how difficult it is to both be in a situation like this and his difficult it is to hear lots of outsiders telling you that what you're experiencing is control and abuse. It might take you a while to be able to process that.

As for the divorce thing - do consider what the advantages of having your own space that you are always in control of might be. Even if you still spend time with your DH and he stays there, there might be a big difference in the power balance and your ability to assert yourself.

I don't think he's trying to stop the OP going out though - he's fine if someone is with her?

I think it's ultimatum time op. He either commits properly to therapy and takes medication, or the relationship is over. You would not be being unreasonable to say that to him.

Fine line between anxiety and control here. Anxiety seems very focused on keeping you at home and he can “get better” for a while, also the “strange behaviour” is a subtle form of getting the same end goal...

My ex DH developed MH problems, became controlling, cheated, financially abusive. I left, it felt awful to leave someone for something you should support them through, but he wouldn’t get help and tried to control his environment instead.

The kids care first, a happy mother and lack of negative impacts on them.

Leave.

And he won't take medication
Why not?
This is making your life hell and he won't consider medication.
That's not OK.
Ultimatum time as others have said.
He gets proper help and get medicated or you are out of there.
Please don't live this life.
It's sounds horrendous.
Like you say - do you want the next 30 years to be like this?
NO!!!!
Only YOU can change the outcome here.
Time to take back control of your life.

As you have a DC I dont think you have many choices. He either seeks help which works and stops his anxiety which hinders both you and your DD lives or you leave.

If you look into the future how will he cope when your DD wants to go out? Do you really want her life effected by his anxiety which he doesnt seem to want to change?

RedPandaFluff I have sat him down and said that I can't do it anymore, and that he has to do something. He then goes and does something, but it slowly fades away. So what I would then have to do is be the policeman about it, and I just do not have the energy to wear that hat as well as all the other hats I wear every day. I am utterly exhausted to the point where I can't remember simple words for things.

Bouffalant I think he's had five or six lots of therapy of various sorts: both through the NHS and privately. Most of them have been for about ten weeks once a week. One of the issues he complains about is that councillors do not seem to understand the nature of his anxiety, and that he has paid a lot in the past and got nowhere. Part of me suspects he thinks someone should give him the answer without having to work through it himself, as I've seen worksheets come home that he never looks at again.

UnbowedUnbentUnbroken I know. This has been said to me before: that I suffer the brunt of his anxiety and he doesn't. And, of course, this led onto theories of co-dependence and ... endless conversations about his upbringing, which, I have to admit, wasn't marvellous. And I have said it to him, that he is controlling my life, and he gets down about that and says "I can't help it" and "I don't want to make you feel like this." But it continues. And I no longer have another rabbit-in-the-hat idea to pull out that might just be the solution.

mankyfourthtoe It's hard to just go. The atmosphere in the house gets weirder and weirder, and he will put on this fake smiley "I'm alright really" face. It's not unknown for him just to turn up somewhere panic-stricken. Once, years ago, I went to a local planning meeting and left him a note to say where I was when he came home from work. When I arrived home two hours later, my mum and aunt were there in tears. DH had called them and said I was missing. DH and my Dad were out looking for me: my Dad convinced I was dead in a ditch or something. I was probably about 35 at the time; it was, frankly, a ridiculous situation, but I didn't realise at the time that it wasn't a one off.

___

The other thing to mention here, which is probably relevant, is the DH now works from home four days a week, and I work from home two days a week and look after DD for the other three. So I spend six days out of seven in the same environment with DH from morning til night.

And yes, I worry about DD. Not so much for now, but what might happen when she gets into her teens and wants to go out with friends. I want her to feel free, to not be hampered by either my or DH's received ideas about things, and I work hard, even thought she's still small, to ensure she has that sense of curiosity about the world and that I am not accidentally modelling her in a negative way.

peachgreen

The problem is, when I had anxiety, I almost didn't want to get better because the anxiety was telling me that if I stopped being anxious, something terrible would happen. Secretly I think I was a bit protective over my anxiety because I felt it was keeping me from harm.

Ohhhhh, woahhhh .... this makes so much sense. When I think about DH and how he seems to process his anxiety, it really relates. Oh, peachgreen, you are a star!

I didn't understand why he just couldn't get to grips with the problem and try and find a solution or set of solutions because it was screwing up our lives so much. I thought it was a legacy of codependency; I never considered there might be another payoff to the anxiety in this way. Crikey, it must behave like a kind of parasite.

Right ... I have to put my big girl pants on now. I have to figure out what I am going to say, and go downstairs and say it. And I have to commit myself to a time limit.

And he's just called upstairs to ask me if I want to go into town to have my eyebrows done and pick up some nice decaf coffee. He is such a nice person; oh crikey, this is just horrible ... that it has got to this point where I have to give him an ultimatum.

I'm sorry but anxiety or not that is heavily controlling. My partner is severely mentally unwell and I know what you mean but he cant keep expecting you to live like this in order to keep HIS anxiety at bay.

How much of his anxiety actually has a negative effect on his life? It seems to me that whilst he may have anxiety, he isnt suffering it. you are.

This is spot on.

What stands out for me from your first post is your absolute acceptance that you will at some level have to just live with it, and I think THAT is a big part of why you feel so stuck. Here:

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen...he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together...But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

No, neither of these are actually your long-term options unless you make them so. Another person would reasonably assume that after divorce, you wouldn't need to see him except for handovers; he wouldn't know where you were or what you were doing (because, um, you're divorced!!) and wtf to sleeping over - why would he and on what planet would that be normal?!

And another person might be saying 'I cannot live with these constraints for the next thirty years so if we are to stay together the only option is to completely refuse to indulge him, to put up complete barriers to his anxiety and simply refuse to engage, which isn't good but will have to happen'

Do you see? Your entire thought process - both options - is actually predicated completely on the fact that his anxiety will be the main consideration in everything. Thus, you cannot see any option which is good or a solution.

You need to stop thinking like this. It's madness to assume that if you were to divorce he'd end up still glued to your side making your life impossible and sleeping over to maintain his insane level of control, and that you'd let him.

I suggest that a first step is ADs, as outlined above by several posters, ideally combined with therapy.

A second step is a very close look at his behaviour and what degree - if any- of this is simply about being controlling.

Finally, you need to think through for yourself the damage that is being done here to YOU - in that you can't even see a way to escape this man ruling your life like a rod of iron even if you divorced. That is worrying, and a sign of just how warped this relationship has become.

off point but why is this nice? "And he's just called upstairs to ask me if I want to go into town to have my eyebrows done and pick up some nice decaf coffee."?

anyway, OP, I have raging anxiety. Before I got my meds sorted, I'd pace the floor all night, think I'd be sick on the way to work etc etc.

I have always been careful that it doesn't affect my loved ones. I'm sorry to say from your comments, it sounds like a brilliant way to control you.

re the planning meeting incident

what was his excuse?

It's hard to just go. The atmosphere in the house gets weirder and weirder, and he will put on this fake smiley "I'm alright really" face. It's not unknown for him just to turn up somewhere panic-stricken. Once, years ago, I went to a local planning meeting and left him a note to say where I was when he came home from work. When I arrived home two hours later, my mum and aunt were there in tears. DH had called them and said I was missing. DH and my Dad were out looking for me: my Dad convinced I was dead in a ditch or something. I was probably about 35 at the time; it was, frankly, a ridiculous situation, but I didn't realise at the time that it wasn't a one off.

You'd left a note. He knew you weren't missing.

I take back a lot of my earlier post - I think you need to leave him, for your DD's sake. No, it's not going to be possible to bring her up normally with a person like this in the house.

Very, very worrying.

This sounds like an awful way to live. I hope you can work something out. I agree he sounds horrible and controlling.

@firesong insisting that someone is with her has the result that she doesn't go out. Or that she makes special arrangements and still worried about his anxiety. The thing about control is its most effective when it's dressed up as if it's the person being controlled making the decisions.

I don't know how you've lived like this for so long op. I know he's anxious but he needs to realise the world carries on turning regardless and you need to do what you need to do regardless as well. By not going out, you're facilitating his behaviour, you're allowing it.

You should leave him so your daughter doesn't grow up thinking this is normal

OP: that story about him sometimes turning up and that time he reported you missing and worried your parents is awful. That's really, unacceptably extreme behaviour and probably clouds your decision making all the time.

You deserve to be able to go out and not worry about it.

Any cbt type counsellor would tell you to stop pandering to the anxiety. By making accommodations to it, you're giving it validity.

He has an irrational anxiety (allegedly) and no decent therapist would suggest legitimising it by altering other people's plans. That's not how it's treated.