I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

So the note was on the counter and your DH has such tunnel vision that it is likely he didn't see it, but did your parents not see it either?

I don’t know if you’ve realised or read your own posts back @Trappedinthemurk, but every single post you’ve written on this thread is making excuses for, rationalising and condoning your husband’s “anxiety”.

You are very much enabling your own suffering. I strongly believe that you are the one who would most benefit from counselling.

OP, everything else aside I am so sorry for the loss of your babies.

I'm have come to realise, quite late in the game, that the situation is partially down to my own - - I don't know what word to use - - personality?

I think I was programmed from an early age to prioritise other people's needs before my own, to deal with other people's issues. I've also been surrounded by needy, controlling people pretty much all my life (parents, friends, boyfriends) and I suspect I don't quite know what is normal.

I also have quite a practical side; I get things done. So it has been said to me that those qualities then attract people who need someone to sort their shit out for them.

Now I don't have a problem with helping people. I really don't. But when it starts to eat my time and energy and mental capacity to do the stuff I want to do? Just no.

A pp asked if Dh's anxiety in anyway made me feel safe and secure. It's actually the opposite. It destabilises my world and makes me feel vulnerable.

how was DPs anxiety BEFORE the stillbirths? Were you able to leave the house and go about your business unhindered prior to that?
Im assuming that in the beginning he cannot have been like this, or you would never have got involved with him, so how has it crept up on you? Did it escalate after you moved in together / got married?

he must have been able to function up until the point you met him? Has he had previous relationships? How did those break down

A pp asked if Dh's anxiety in anyway made me feel safe and secure. It's actually the opposite. It destabilises my world and makes me feel vulnerable.

I know what you mean, OP - I find it very difficult to make plans and always have it back of my mind that I might not be able to go through with them because of my DC's anxiety, which is awful as you feel completely at the mercy of someone else's mental state.

I agree it's hard not to enable them in the process of trying to reassure them and protect them, but I do think that treating him like someone who doesn't have anxiety and acting like this is a normal relationship issue whereby you can make him see that he needs to modify his behaviour or you will LTB isn't going to work here.

He needs to have CBT/graded exposure therapy, possibly supported by anti-anxiety medication. And if he's not willing to do that, then it's your job, as the mentally healthy parent to do what's best for your DD as this isn't just about you and him.

I think you’ve done the right thing in shifting responsibility squarely to him, and giving him a year to get this sorted and make genuine, concerted steps toward properly managing his condition. If he truly wants to he can definitely get it under control. Lots of people suffer greatly with anxiety/PTSD/compulsive disorders and still learn to manage it as much as possible, to live as normal a life as they can, and to be as close to healthy and well as it is possible to be.

If he doesn’t end up seriously taking any of these steps and being committed to recovery/managing it, then you do not need to wait the full year. He needs to faithfully take his meds, he needs to go to therapy, he needs to proactively fight for his and your wellbeing. If you get six months down the line and there’s been no real concrete steps taken to approach this in a multi-pronged way, then you will know that he’s either unwilling or incapable. Doesn’t matter which it is (it might be a mix of both), you’ll need to take steps to save yourself and your child’s future. It’s not your job to fix him or manage his anxieties, and you couldn’t even if you wanted to and gave everything to it.

Medication and proper psychotherapy (not counselling). If he engages then expect things to get worse before they get better. Meds should start working within 2 months - Sertraline is good for anxiety disorders.

Yes, and I think a lot of times people instinctively know that it will get a lot worse when they start unpicking it. It’s not always that they just don’t want to do it or they can’t be bothered, or they don’t care how it affects others, it’s that they’re frightened. It’s self-preservation instinct kicking in.

@NettleTea

His anxiety has always been there, although it had got a lot worse since we lost the girls. I just didn't realise what it was back then. He only told me that he suffered from anxiety probably sometime around 2012.

Before then (and to some extent now as well), he tried to handle it by manipulating scenarios so he could handle the problem. So he'd insist on picking me up from the station after work, which meant I always had to get a certain train. Or he'd offer to pick me up from a works do, but then turn up two hours early. Or I'd go out with a mate and he'd offer to drive us.

Because I didn't know about the anxiety, these things just seemed either a bit odd or quite considerate.

I'm also DH's first proper relationship. He only had a couple of casual girlfriends before me, and he was still living at home then.

"he'd offer to pick me up from a works do, but then turn up two hours early."

The fact that you thought this was considerate suggests that your sense of what is normal behaviour is very off.

All those examples you give of "manipulating scenarios" do not scream anxiety to me, they scream controlling as fuck.

A lot of people who are controlling are that way because of misguidedly trying to manage anxieties or compulsive disorders. It’s not always because a person is inherently nasty/abusive/whatever.

Doesn’t change the fact that OP doesn’t need to manage it, nor be forced to live with it.

OP I do think it is really important that you get help for yourself as well because you will have built up a pattern of behavior over the years that supports your DH's and you will have to change this as well, except you won't have the support of medication to do so.
If this behavior has been there since the start in some form there are a lot of interactions that will need to change and that will be hard work for both of you.

To follow on from my last post, I think this is why I've been so considerate of Dh's anxiety over the last few years, because I'm unsure of the extent to which it is irrational. What percentage of it is arguably rational? Considering what has happened to us?

A lot of phobias are based on real fears where some past experience leads people to risk assess the danger involved as far more severe than others. For example traffic can be genuinely dangerous and many people have been killed in accidents, but that doesn't stop most people using the roads on a daily basis as the benefits outweigh the risks. Its not that they don't realise the dangers but they feel life would be unreasonably limited by avoiding using the roads. Your dh's fears are not irrational, its the way he is assessing risk that is abnormal.

Yes, that is very true. It’s a lot of hard work to change deeply entrenched patterns of thought and behaviour.

"I think I was programmed from an early age to prioritise other people's needs before my own, to deal with other people's issues. I've also been surrounded by needy, controlling people pretty much all my life (parents, friends, boyfriends) and I suspect I don't quite know what is normal."

Several people have already advised you to get counselling yourself and I agreed with them, all the more so after reading this.

You might also find it helpful to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward - the word 'toxic' in the title might be off putting if you don't feel that your parents were really awful, but it is still a relevant and very useful read, whether there is obvious abuse or "just" low-level dysfunction. It helps to understand the impact on you.

I have suffered from that extreme anxiety that is no longer logical or rational, even though it seems like it at the time.
What has helped me is antidepressants ( venlafaxine in my case) and also long term Gestalt psychotherapy. This has been particularly useful in helping me deal with the way my childhood has impacted on me and also the way I can be scared to let go of old patterns of thinking. I wondered if it might be more useful for your DH. Things like CBT didn't really help me, just panicked me further!

Yes be careful with CBT. It’s not a cure-all and doesn’t work well for all types of anxiety or depression. He really needs to seek a formal diagnosis and then get proper serious psychotherapy.

Im sorry but I dont think its anxiety, I think its manipulation and controll framed as anxiety. Or he allows himself to wallow in the madness to achieve what he wants - ie you under lock and key.

If I am brutally honest, the thought of personally going for counselling over these issues fills me with dread.

I don't think I want to know. I think it will be a Pandora's Box and the consequences of having to face it all may just bury me.

You see, deep down inside, I know. I know growing up in my family was oppressive and led me to make decisions to cope that weren't what I truly wanted or needed. I know many of my friends have sought to control and change me. I know that is true of almost all my ex-boyfriends. The pressure to "conform" has been with me my entire life.

But actually having to face all that head on? Woah ... To finally have to process that I've probably wasted thirty years of my life? That I'm not actually the person whose life I inhabit? That my choices were never truly my own, but always compromises?

That's one hellova headfuck.

OP, the more you say, the more this sounds like either a more serious mental health issue or controlling behaviour rather than anxiety.

I thought he was scared to go out himself but it sounds like he's actually fine with sitting in the car for hours at night as long as he can know where you are. Why is he not scared for his own safety if he feels it's so dangerous out there? Why is his anxiety only focussed on your movements?

I agree that to view his smothering behaviour as considerate shows that you need some help to see this for what it is.

You are not his possession and he shouldn't be dictating where you go, anxiety or not.

Yes therapy is difficult.

A lot of times, if you can manage well without it, I think it’s better not to go there. It has to completely break you down before you can build yourself back up again, and that’s an excruciating experience.

He’ll be trying to avoid that, whether or not he knows that consciously. Just like you have said here, it’s terrifying, it’s fucking difficult to cope with, and one has to really want it to willingly put oneself through it.

I think people are really misunderstanding anxiety. Anxiety like this is a serious mental health issue.

It’s also possible that it’s actually OCD.

@Trappedinthemurk just want to say, you don’t have to stay with him. You don’t have to give him a year. If you can’t take it anymore that’s okay too.

I think you are reading too much into your own failures inthe last post - you are not to blame for either what was mirrored to you as a child, nor abuse that may have happened to you. The attributes of kindness, empathy and helpfulness are not negative traits by any means, but what you may be lacking is an understanding of personal boundaries. This doesnt negate your previous 30 years by any stretch, but it does demonstrate that now you have realised that there is a problem - which you already had done as you had reached breaking point, that you can get some help to put some boundaries in place.

This is a useful concept to understand some of the framework around what may be going on with you
www.wbsass.com.au/services/shark-cage

You cannot control or change your husband. You can however try to help to change how you react to him, so that instead of enabling this behaviour, which has become more and more extreme as time went on, you can free yourself up from the oblgation to put his mental wellbeing before your own. This may actually give him the push to actually deal with it. Only then you will see if he has a serious MH condition or crippling anxiety, or whether it was a well rehursed ploy all along.

The time is not wasted. It has brought you to the place, at about the time in life when many people DO reach the point, where they take a look and right the wrongs. Its a good thing.

Or he'd offer to pick me up from a works do, but then turn up two hours early. Or I'd go out with a mate and he'd offer to drive us
WTF
2hours early -controlling.
I would say go to a counsellor to help you get what YOU want to make you happy. Not what DH can cope with, not what makes you a kind/ capable/caring/considerate/admirable/respectable member of society. Sod all that - what do you want ??????? It will take you a while ie weeks, months max, to work this out but you need to start prioritising you.
So whatever annoys you - speak up, if DH is putting on a simpering smile tell him ' this annoys me as it looks false', if he wants to stay in rather than socialise then let him stay in, you arenow doing what you want,no cajoling or threats just go.out alone.
Look after yourself this has gone on too long.