I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

I thought I'd just post an update.

It's a week since I posted my op, and it's been an interesting seven days. DH has been taking his meds and going through some rough side effects. We've been talking a lot and what has become clear is that the anxiety has infected our lives to such an extent that neither of us could actually operate normally.

Now that the anxiety is finally being tackled, there's a lot of renovation work to do. It's a bit like we've been living in a house full of mould. Now we are finally trying to remove the mould, we've discovered that behind the fungus, there's a lot of crumbling plaster, rotten joists, wet floorboards and holes in the walls.

That said, I already feel a greater sense of liberty. I've done a couple of things this week that I wouldn't normally do: gone out for a run, spent 40 mins of the tread mill in the garage when it was dark... But, moreover, I've started telling DH what I'm going to do, rather than do the whole "compromise dance".

It's early days yet, and I've enough experience to know that this might not last. But there are positive signs I've never seen before, and I'm taking those as a bit of a win.

That's great Trapped. It feels like there's movement, which is the important thing. Way too early to tell if, to use your analogy, you can do the work to make the house livable and lovely again or whether you need to knock it down, but at least your'e out there working it out. Good luck!!

How did he respond to you doing your own thing?

fantastic work

Fingers crossed for you all

Well done Trapped, that's brilliant news.

"he does it for a bit, then it fades away."
He enjoys his anxiety.
Fuck that, he absolutely loves it.

Good luck

Best wishes, but if he starts not being arsed to help himself again despite how he's anxiety effects you, I think you should draw the line. xx

It doesn't matter how he responds to her doing her own thing.
She needs to stop giving that head space.

Good luck OP. I feel really sorry for you and your husband. I hope the medication helps.

I hope you take posters comments on your husband being abusive for what they are worth and not too literally. I find it worrying that posters on Mumsnet can be so certain that the advice they are giving is correct when they can't possible actually know the proper situation from the OPs posts.

I think when you have children you do start to look harder at your relationship, as there is more pressure and caring responsibilities which is a resource that your partner previously enjoyed.
I think that as a parent of a growing toddler you will want to join playgroups, meet other mums and need to be active and independent for your daughter’s sake.

That sounds very positive, OP.

For those who’ve said your DH is controlling, well in a way he IS, but probably not in an emotional abuse way. When you have severe anxiety every part of your brain is screaming at you that you’re in danger. Something is going to happen to you or your loved ones and it will be awful. So you start trying to control your environment to try and contain, reduce or manage that danger. Of course, there is no danger (or if there is it’s nowhere near as bad as your brain thinks it is) and you can rationalise it all you want but your brain chemicals are locked in “danger” mode. And when there isn’t an known danger, that can be just as anxiety-causing because your brain “knows” that there is something to be scared of but doesn’t even know what it is, so it ricochets around trying to lock on to the thing it needs to worry about. Control is all about trying to make sure the bad stuff doesn’t happen.

All of this sounds quite bonkers, I know, but I’ve lived with this for a very long time and a significant course of intensive therapy means I can now see just how bonkers the behaviours are, even though at the time I thought they were perfectly rational and normal.

My anxiety had always been there but was tipped over the edge by PTSD from abuse - it could well be that the loss of two children has caused something similar in your husband.

And, perversely, when anxiety has knitted itself into the very fabric of who you are and tells you that you will be fine as long as you do all the things the anxiety tells you to do, it’s very hard to even want to get rid of it. It’s your support mechanism, your safety net, who you are. Ripping all that apart in therapy is not only hard work and emotionally draining but there is a whole other fear: who will I be without anxiety?

I’d really recommend Ruby Wax’s book Sane New World; it helped me understand what was going on in my own brain and really helped alongside the therapy.

I really really really recommend EMDR. It's great for anxiety when you cannot do the work yourself. Look into it and try to give this as an ultimatum option? I also recommend going with him to the therapy sessions to give another perspective. Good luck I really feel for you. You sound very empathetic.