I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

Treatment/medication seems to be seen as an easy fix in this thread but it's not.

It's not going to 'fix' things, but it can help - quite significantly. The point is that he is refusing to do anything and seems to expect the OP to keep tiptoeing around his unreasonable requirements. It's completely unacceptable for her to have to 'negotiate' so that she can leave the house and drive herself somewhere!

I have debilitating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I know upsets and puts a strain on my DH from time to time. But... I make every effort to access support groups and do things to help lessen the impact it has on not only myself but those around me. These services are not there to fix you but to help you help yourself. It sounds like although he has sought out treatment he’s not taking any responsibility for his own recovery! Like you said OP, expecting others to give him the answer. It doesn’t work like that!

Mental illness is terrible but it’s not OK for someone to not take responsibility for their treatment/recovery and in the process make others peoples lives a misery.

He needs a kick up the backside!

Medication was an easy fix for me, but convincing me to take it was another matter entirely. I think if DH had told me that it was a dealbreaker, I would have done it though. I hope so, anyway.

I never suffered from depression or anxiety before I met exh.He wasn't OCD and anxious regarding me but with other things he was terrible,used to "suffer with his nerves" Low and behold when I left him I was like a new woman,no anxiety,no depression.Leave him.

*Telling your parents you were missing even though he knew exactly were you were is fucking scary.
So he can go out to work and be fine but you must be in when he gets home and have no life?

Enough is enough op. For your DD's sake, leave*

^ This, 100%.
Seems very sinister to me ☹️

I have huge sympathy for anyone suffering from MH problems, and anxiety can be crippling. But alarm bells are ringing for me here. If I can ask a question here OP (and by all means don’t answer out loud, but the answer might shed some light on the abuse/illness debate for you personally) - does the event which sparked to anxiety, which you have to endlessly refer back to, involve some real or perceived misdemeanour on your part, or some incident concerning you and another man?

He's unwilling to work to feel better. This is a huge red flag. If he was suffering truly with anxiety he would do anything to stop it. It's the worst feeling.

There is help for anxiety, heaps of it, but it takes input which he isn't willing to do. Of course he is able. I presume he otherwise functions in life. By not pursuing this how is he different from any other abuser controlling someone with their illness? By the time you've incentivised him to take it seriously you'll have left him. He won't deal with this until it seriously inconveniences him.

You are not the person he needs to speak to about his past. If he's willing to put in some work, a therapist trained in what his issue is and practises EMDR could be helpful.

Huge hugs OP. You and your DD deserve better than this. Regardless of how lovely you think he is.

Of course you can't keep living like this, you have already spent too long doing this and will have a significant impact on your dd as well. You both deserve better.
I would explain to your dh that he has to go to the GP and start taking medication for his MH condition. That if he doesn't do this you cannot continue to raise your dd in this environment.
That you aren't looking for the situation to be sorted overnight but he has to take immediate, concrete steps to manage his condition because you cannot continue to bend your life and your dd's life completely out of shape to try and manage it for him.
I would also seek therapy for yourself because it seems possible there could be co-dependency issues after this long living like this. If nothing else having some support to work out different responses to his behavior could be useful.

Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate it.

DH and I have had a talk. He came up to the room where I work and saw I was upset, so I thought it was a good time to say something.

I said I could no longer live with his anxiety and that he has to put a viable treatment programme in place and stick to it. I said I would support using some of our savings to fund private counselling (our money is all pooled), and I thought it was time to consider anti-anxiety medication. I also said that if the situation doesn't improve by October 2020 (in twelve months time), I will file for divorce. Not because I want to, per se, but because I can no longer live in this environment.

I was calm about it and we had a long talk. It turns out the problem is maybe even worse than I thought. He fears that he cannot actually manage his anxiety problem, which then in turn feeds the anxiety even more.

What did help a lot was telling him some of your stories of similar experiences. He also accepts that even though he does not intend to be abusive whatsoever, the consequential effect of his problem means I am living in an abusive environment.

And I think for the first time, I've actually understood that he has a mental health illness, rather than just having "an anxiety problem" iyswim.

The result of it all is that he has managed to secure an emergency appointment with our GP surgery this evening. I don't recognise the name of the GP, he might be a locum, so I'm a bit concerned that a doctor that doesn't know Dh's history might not take the situation as seriously as it is. He's been prescribed beta blockers, which makes me wonder whether he slightly underplays the issue when he gets in a doctor's office.

Sorry, he's seen the doctor already and got given beta blockers? I hope that helps.

Tbh I wouldn't spend money for private treatment. So far your dh has refused help and I'm sorry but there's a chance he'll go along with treatment and then things will revert.

Still wondering how the planning meeting issue happened. Even if he panicked himself into forgetting your note, dragging other people into it and saying you were missing....how long would you even have been gone?

Can you not go to the Drs appt with him?

Beta blockers may help.
They may take a while to kick in so he has to stick with them.
I would imagine the GP is going in light to start with.
It could take a while to get the meds to the right level.
You are giving him a year.
That is generous of you and I really hope he can help himself and do what needs to be done to help with this problem.
Fingers crossed for you OP.
I'm glad you had the talk.
I wish you both all the best!

“I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication”

If you’re to stay with him this needs to change, within a reasonable timescale, as you say.

Go out alone, it’s not on for him to try to dictate your behaviour.

If DH gets into such a state that he can’t parent DD effectively when you go out, organise childcare.

He could be doing a fair share of domestic work and parenting - including the “mental load”. And considerIng YOUR needs and health as well as his own. He can hold down his job so if he chooses could do a decent job at home too. Mothers with MH issues, like myself, do so.

Private counselling with someone well qualified could be good if NHS talking therapy services are limited where you are. Costly, but much less costly than divorce!

Can you go with him to the GP appointment, or if not this one, the follow up? Because there will be a follow up.

I can say for sure - do NOT minimise the impact on you at the appointment. It will feel very hard to say the worst things, like you are being disloyal, but you are not, you are fighting for your dh's health and marriage.

Sorry, I meant he's been prescribed beta blockers before, and they didn't help.

I offered to go to the GP with him, but it meant taking our dd into the appointment as well, so he went on his own.

He's now back with a prescription for sertraline, and an appointment to go back in a fortnight.

I guess from this point, we shall see.

You've all given me a lot of help with this, and I am very grateful. The most useful thing was just to realise that my feelings about the situation were valid. Sometimes, I'm unsure, I don't know whether it's me or I am reading the situation correctly.

Well done OP. If the medication isn't helping within 3 weeks push for the dose to be increased, or adjust to a different one. Sertraline didn't help me (but has helped many others) - SSRIs aren't one side fits all. For what it's worth, beta blockers don't help me either.

I really hope this leads to improvement for you. It's no way for either of you to live.

Get childcare for the followup and go too?

I think it's really hopeful and I'm so glad he has taken the plunge.

Living with anxiety is incredibly hard. I have had it, after medication and therapy I can honestly say that whilst it’s not totally gone I can control it in a much more positive way. Recently I experienced it from the other side when my DH broke down. A few months on and he is doing much better, I never realised how claustrophobic it felt being relied upon so heavily. Even when I was unwell I had to deal with the household stuff, the children and work. I felt upset that it brought him to a total standstill and was resentful. Your DH sounds like he needs more help. Yes be there for him but you cannot place your life on hold in order to make him feel better 24:7. He needs to see someone because it’s really not fair on you.

It sounds like a very difficult situation and I am glad that he is seeking help.

DH is quite similar although not as extreme, partly relating to attachment issues from childhood and also he is likely autistic (awaiting assessment).

I have found that it only gets worse when I comply with his unreasonable fears and requests so I will only go so far to appease his anxiety.

It is draining. Well done for drawing your line in the sand.

You can share information with the GP about your H’s health and the impact it is having on you and the family in different ways, eg you could book an appointment yourself, write or email. The GP won’t divulge private info to you but can take into account info you share.

Some of your H’s behaviour reminds me of Lundy Bancroft’s “Mr Sensitive”.

You could seek MH support for yourself too.

Yes well done OP - it’s tough living with this situation. I’m sorry but he is abusive. He is working from home too - is this to keep an eye on you.
It’s so much effort for you to go out. Is he like this if you and your child go out without him or just when you go out alone.
My ex was anxious - it’s draining to live with.
Does he have any friends he goes out with or does he do any excercise.
I think there are some mental health apps on line for anxiety.

If I was you I would go to therapy for myself. It will help keep you focused on what you want. It will help to normalise things for you.
He likes it as it is - let’s see if he sticks to the tablets for more than a month.
I wish you well.

Hope the Sertraline helps, and he takes it.

Anxiety is horrible, but it’s also horrible to live with. The best of us can, however unconsciously, behave in abusive ways due to a mental health problem. Wearing you down to the point where going out means an ordeal beforehand; saying you are ‘missing’ when he knew where you were: manipulative and intended to keep you at home. He has avoided a lot of responsibility by means of his problems; of course he won’t be willing to give that up. His mental health problems have become his identity. A therapist who would also consider seeing you as a couple might help. My guess is he has backed away when therapists won’t collude with his version of reality or challenge his attempts to manipulate them. I suspect that is behind his comments that they ‘don’t understand’. I don’t say this without compassion for him. He sounds as though he’s had a lot of early trauma, and acting it out in adulthood isn’t uncommon. But he does need a therapist who will hold firm boundaries and can work long-term on attachment and trauma.

I would also consider therapy for yourself.