I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

You still won’t answer how his anxiety manifests in other areas of his life, or how his own life is negatively affected by his anxiety, separate to how it affects you.

Despite everything you've said so far OP, I still think this man sounds abusive and controlling.

Yes please answer how his anxiety impacts his HIS life. It certainly impacts yours to a suffocating and totally unnecessary degree.

When my teenage daughters started going out in the evening, as a lone parent I was over anxious and knew they'd never come home, as they would be dead in a gutter somewhere. Aside from the usual warnings about spiked drinks, and always having taxi fares, my last words to them upon departure were "have fun!"

They did have fun and always came home, of course. I would have hated to think my anxiety spoiled their lives.

Sorry for your losses

To follow on from my last post, I think this is why I've been so considerate of Dh's anxiety over the last few years, because I'm unsure of the extent to which it is irrational. What percentage of it is arguably rational? Considering what has happened to us?

It's very difficult to tell someone that their fears their loved ones might die or be harmed if they go outside alone are irrational when that person has had the experience of waking up one morning to find their wife in premature labour and their much longed-for child dead under 24 hours later. And not only does that happen, it happens twice.

It's a bit like telling someone not to be afraid of spiders when they've been bitten, out of the blue, by tarantulas twice.

So the situation is kinda complex, and there's quite a lot of layers going on. Which I have a lot of empathy about, but I'm still in this suffocating situation.

The effect of the traumas you both experienced would be awful, yes. But you BOTH suffered them - you physically. Yet he's the controlling one.

I would suggest consulting a private therapist for EMDR therapy

This is just some advice from someone on the internet, but try to stop rationalising and explaining his anxiety. You have both suffered the loss of those babies and while everyone reacts differently, his anxiety pre dates these events.
I'm guessing the working from home helps him manage his symptoms? Does he go out much? Is he agoraphobic?
I think the SSRIs could make a really positive difference. I also think you've got to go out etc as normal. By going out with a friend you are basically telling him his worries are legitimate and reinforcing that behaviour. Good luck.

Yes please answer how his anxiety impacts his HIS life. It certainly impacts yours to a suffocating and totally unnecessary degree.

It's tricky to answer this because he's not always honest about how he feels about something, but there are a number of areas where I think it does affect his life.

He has social anxiety. He rarely wants to go out socially, and if we do, he goes very quiet and starts fiddling nervously and wants to go home. And this happens when they are his friends, less so when they are mine.

There's also a problem with job promotions. He seems to go to pieces when doing a face to face, even though he scores very well on other assessment areas. As such, he's not been able to get a promotion or sideways shift for 13 years (so he's been doing the same job for over a decade). He finds this a source of incredible frustration.

He also can't process what I think are fairly trivial events appropriately. So some really minor thing will happen, and he'll get very worked up and panicked about it, and won't be able to respond appropriately.

An additional factor is that he works on the field of criminal justice and spends his working day dealing with cases that usually involve extremely unpleasant individuals. This does affect him and I think it is a significant influence on his fears.

I think I've maybe outed myself a bit here. If you know me, please don't mention this thread to me in real life.

I think he probably is really suffering. There’s not a question in my mind that he does have severe anxiety. My experience of it is similar, except for the social anxiety aspect. I think you’ve fallen into trying to help him manage it because he’s not been willing or able to do so for himself, but hopefully now you can both help each other to continue looking for ways to make your life together better.

Hmmmm his choice of career doesn't seem to gel with anxiety! maybe that goes a bit of the way to explain his extreme fear of your going out - but it's really no excuse. First Responders see horrific accidents etc; but have normal social lives and don't control their partners for instance.

dealing with cases that usually involve extremely unpleasant individuals

Could he think about moving into a different area, perhaps policy advice related to the field so that he's not exposed to real-life cases?

I encourage my anxious DC not to read news articles about crimes in the area as it makes them terrified of leaving the house - when anxiety takes hold, they can't see the news story in the context of statistics and rationality- it just serves as proof that something could easily happen to them.

It's inevitable that someone with severe anxiety about safety is going to exacerbate the problem if they're constantly having their fears validated by their work. I'd definitely look at changing areas/careers pronto if I were him.

Ninkaninus they aren't managing it though, are they? OP panders to it, and her DP engages in treatment for a while, then drops it.

The way you describe it, it sounds less like anxiety and more like coercive control, although in your last post you do describe how it has some consequences for him such as social anxiety.

However although the brunt of this is borne by you, over the years you have turned into his enabler. This is most evident in your first post:

We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together

Um, no. That's not what happens to most people who get divorced - it would only happen IF YOU LET IT.

I would seriously suggest you having some counselling for yourself, as well as making him go to counselling. Even if he gives up on his, you can make sure you don't give up on yours.

You need to change your reactions to him, especially for the sake of your DD - do you want her learning that this is what a relationship is like or how a husband treats his wife? You can't change him but you can change you and it sounds like you are more than ready to.

Where did I say they are managing it?

OP has had a lot of trauma and sadness to deal with herself (together with him as it will have been horrifically painful for him too) - for the both of you @Trappedinthemurk - and has done what she thought was helping him to feel less anxious and also to try to limit its effects on her.

OP now can see that it hasn’t helped and her resources are depleted and if it continues her daughter will suffer in the long term. She knows that she needs to ensure that he takes the responsibility for his own needs in respect of his anxiety. They can work together to have a better life and a better relationship and to create a better future for their child.

OP, I really think it would be worth him pursuing private diagnoses. Given everything you both have been through I wouldn't be surprised if he had PTSD or complex PTSD. Please be careful what advice you take from this thread - those who haven't experienced these kinds of mental health problems find it very hard to understand how they can impact a person's life and behaviour. That's not to say I think you should put up with however your husband behaves, but the more you talk about it the more it sounds to me like he is genuinely suffering from mental health problems that are significantly impacting his life (and yours). I really feel for you both.

I agree.

I was married for 22 yrs. I became unhappy with aspects of my husbands behaviour. I keep soldiering on for 3 yrs as there was still a lot of good in the marriage and then I went to counselling as I felt weighed down with it all and sad. 2 sessions was all it took to have absolute clarity.
We’re divorced now. It was hard to separate. My husband was devastated but our teenage kids have adjusted brilliantly all things considered, and I have a good relationship with my ex. We are very supportive of each other, we talk and do things for one another all the time. We do still love and care for one another. We both have partners now and everything is much better.
Be brave. You only get one life and you deserve to be happy x

Your updates are so desperately sad OP.

I don't know how I survived one stillbirth let alone two - my heart really goes out to you even more now.

And none of this situation is allowing you to feel or deal with it.... it's all about him. Sorry but the more you're telling us, the less I believe it's MH related.

Please please talk to someone professional about all of this. I think you've minimised and excused his behaviour for so so long means you're not seeing the bigger picture either here. Your feelings and needs are just as valid. Don't forget that

On some level does his anxiety make you feel cared for & safe too?

Tunnel vision, can’t see a note on an empty counter yet can still phone your parents and sister to tell them you’re missing? Interesting.

When his anxiety rises, he gets a kind of tunnel vision and simply cannot see material reality properly

I don’t have anxiety particularly but I have had this happen.

I was so convinced that I’d made a major mistake at work that I read an email with the proof that I hadn’t as proving that I had.

I don’t just mean I misinterpreted it, I was so convinced I knew what it would say that I literally saw the words there even though they weren’t.

I understand that ‘tunnel vision’ too. I’m a very capable, highly intelligent person and when I’m in that space I absolutely cannot function properly. Yes, I’d have the presence of mind to call someone, but I would be utterly fucking useless at other very simple processes. Especially physical things like seeing/hearing/understanding written words or finding a specific item or tab on a computer, for example.

His mental health, as an adult, is not your responsibility.

Really dwell on that, and understand what choices it opens up.

Mumsnet is full of people who are taking on the responsibility for their partners' mental illness, real or excuse-fodder.

It's very difficult to tell someone that their fears their loved ones might die or be harmed if they go outside alone are irrational when that person has had the experience of waking up one morning to find their wife in premature labour and their much longed-for child dead under 24 hours later. And not only does that happen, it happens twice.

And what about you, in all of this?

OP, believe me, I know what it is like to grapple with anxiety. I just feel that you are being forgotten.

I'm glad to see that you have issued an ultimatum, as such. You need to put yourself and your child front and centre from here on.

To follow on from my last post, I think this is why I've been so considerate of Dh's anxiety over the last few years, because I'm unsure of the extent to which it is irrational. What percentage of it is arguably rational? Considering what has happened to us?

It's very difficult to tell someone that their fears their loved ones might die or be harmed if they go outside alone are irrational when that person has had the experience of waking up one morning to find their wife in premature labour and their much longed-for child dead under 24 hours later. And not only does that happen, it happens twice.

The experience of stillbirth happened to you too, twice.

Has he in some way appropriated that entire experience to such an extent that he is the only one who can have problems associated with it?

Do you feel you can talk about any of that with him?

When pg with DD, were you able to talk with him about any fears of yours about how the pregnancy might go?