I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

Hmm I'd be very wary of all these promises OP.

You also need to stop enabling his behaviour. No more doing things his way, to ease his anxiety. That's his issue to deal with and not yours. You can't live half a life around him anymore.

Ok good.

And the next step - you stop enabling it.

You go out when you want to.

You get a babysittter so that he is not left responsible for your DD in a potentially unstable frame of mind.

So OP what did happen to the note you left or have you answered and I've missed it?
I think the answer to this will actually explain a lot

I, too, have had close relationships with people who suffer from anxiety and it can be so hard.

DM - she was like your husband in not letting me go out unchaperoned, esp. after dark. I was 20, at university (but living at home because “all woman who go away for university develop eating disorders” so I wasn’t allowed to apply to any university but those local), and came home at 8pm one night to the scene you describe of tears around the dinner table with the whole family gathered because I must have been raped/murdered. I was made to feel like I was in the wrong when I remembered telling her I was going out. In some ways this was the turning point of our relationship because i realised she could drive herself into such a state when she forgot I told her something then it was her problem not mine and I cannot be responsible for what she chooses to remember or not.

Dh - has always suffered from a low-level of constant anxiety. Instead of my DM passing on her anxiety to me like some posters suggest is inevitable for your dd, for me, I think the consequence has been normalising an environment of anxiety and being attracted or not turned off by traits in my dh that would put others off. However, he doesn’t control my comings and going’s. His anxiety is more about making the wrong decision/how people perceive him/fear of missing out. This summer it became worse and he got a crisis point where we had some long brutal talks at home about me not being able to live with it anymore, because he was turning angry, slamming doors and saying nasty things. He began seeing a therapist (not at first about anxiety but anger and self-esteem). Then he had a panic attack at work which had so many symptoms similar to a stoke that the paramedics were called in and he began seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed GAD, and prescribed him fluoxetine. The drugs made an instant difference. A previous therapist had said he didn’t need meds and could manage Anxiety through CBT techniques which put him off trying it earlier.

My advice to you is that In order to understand your situation more, you need to question what your idea of normal is to see what types of abnormal behaviour you have normalised. A lot of my dh symptoms are irritating but not harmful (struggling to choose a meal off a menu, putting off building work to our house) but the same thoughy pattern plays out bigger in different arenas (struggling to develop a career plan or make decisions at work if asked, wanting answers that need to come from him from someone external).

It would be helpful if you could go too. How about an iPad and earphones for dd?

Setraline has been a life changing medication for me but you will have a couple of weeks of working through symptoms at first , make sure you take it at exactly the same time everyday and keep taking it. Two months in and I can't believe I wasted years living with anxiety and the positive impact has spread to all those around me

It doesn't have to be here, but I really recommend you keep a very brief record of the next few weeks. As apples says, there may be no change or even a slight deterioration for the first couple of weeks. I would suggest something like rating your day overall out of 10, then rating your dh's mood on the same scale, then his functioning on the same scale (stuff he was able to do, 10/10 being achieving at work, suggesting and enjoying fun stuff, good conversation, chores or whatever), and perhaps a single line capturing something that happened that day. It's a lot of work, and even better if he would do it too, but it gives you a surprisingly objective picture of whether things are changing and in what direction. He could also start to spot patterns himself if he does it.

What would happen if you sat him down and said "okay, you have a choice. Either we get divorced because I've reached my limit and can't cope anymore, OR you commit to going to CBT/taking medication (or whatever measures are necessary to help him) for x period of time"?

I have GAD and I agree with this advice, he's not addressing it himself so he needs an ultimatum. You can't go on living like this and it'll definitely affect your DD if it continues.

I recognized that my anxiety was increasing (not as bad as your DH's but I started having panic attacks) and took myself off to the doctor's. Was put on Escitaloprám and had a short course of CBT. Two years later I'm a different person, everything in my life is better simply because I'm able to deal with things (good and bad) without getting overly anxious. He needs to try medication and see if it helps him - how on earth will he know if he doesn't try it?

I'm really interested to know what happened to the note you left, too.

Surely your parents asked him for a run down of events before you 'went missing'?

Did he lie, and say he had no idea?

It feels as if that would give an insight into his frame of mind.

Either way, its too much to expect you to keep accommodating his anxiety without him doing some work to help himself.

If he won’t commit to getting help, and sticking with counselling, you should leave. He’s choosing anxiety over you. You’re suffering because of his mental health problems, and still he won’t do anything about it. He’s damaged your life and he will damage your daughters. I’d be out

I feel sorry for you and your dp, genuinely, but ultimately I think you need to leave for your daughters sake. There is only so much you can do unfortunately.

I have anxiety and ASD. I'm also depressed - I was prescribed citalopram for postnatal depression originally but it's helped so much with the anxiety so I'd really recommend it for anyone suffering with it.

Your husband sounds controlling and like a suffocating wet blanket though. Not just anxious. I felt restricted and smothered just reading your post. I also feel like he doesn't want to get help or he'd have pursued it more vigorously.

It sounds like he wants to own you and that's not love. A relationship should be nurturing and supportive but to me it reads like he wants to imprison you. Please stop kowtowing to him and assert yourself more. Go out and do whatever you like. Push back. If he doesn't like it then tell him to fuck off, for your sake and your daughter's.

Do you really think that your DD will only be affected when she hits her teens? Given that he is practically always home, he will restrict her world as soon as it starts expanding. Unlike you, she won’t be able to distinguish between what is acceptable and non acceptable because his behaviour will be her norm.

The time frame of a year is far too long and there will a huge temptation to fall back into appeasement territory. Your H knows you well enough to know exactly what you want to hear.

This sounds so much like my Dad.
He'd get 'anxious' if my mum went out without him, to the extent that mum rarely went out by herself and if she did it was to her sisters house.

When I hit my teens, he got 'anxious' about me going out. The atmosphere was awful. Eventually, he'd say something along the lines of 'go then, and don't come crying to me when you end up in a ditch somewhere'. I went out.

My sister, is very like our mum. She wouldn't push/argue with our dad. She did practically nothing growing up. I remember that the first time she went on a tube (we're 10mins away from a station), she was 17. And petrified.

And you know what? My dad wasn't 'anxious' about anything else.

My dad wasn't anxious at all. He was a jealous, controlling man.

Please leave this man. It won't get better.

And maybe don't wait for him to feel better before starting the life you want. Start it now and he has to cope.

To answer the question about the note, he maintains to this day that he didn't see it on the counter.

I actually think he is being truthful here because this is a trait of his anxiety (and one of the reasons why it is so difficult and exhausting to live with him). When his anxiety rises, he gets a kind of tunnel vision and simply cannot see material reality properly.

Of course, because he has low level anxiety pretty much all the time, he just doesn't see detail around him. When it gets worse, he can't even see a piece of paper on an otherwise empty counter.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in

Doesn't that sound like sliding back into the same old same old?

You have control over this. You have control over how much contact you would have with him after divorce, and where it would take place.

If you don't believe you do then you need to get counseling for yourself. You need to deal with fatalism, with passivity, and with enabling behaviour on your part - why you do it, and how you can stop it.

Accepting certain outcomes are inevitable is accepting you are powerless and have no options. These are the ultimate ends of all abuse - to cause the victim to believe nothing she does can change anything.

Get a babysitter for DD and go to the next doctor's appointment (there will be a follow up since he has been given a prescription).
Get a babysitter for DD when you go out in the evening or to Pilates or wherever.

It's hard to just go. The atmosphere in the house gets weirder and weirder, and he will put on this fake smiley "I'm alright really" face. It's not unknown for him just to turn up somewhere panic-stricken. Once, years ago, I went to a local planning meeting and left him a note to say where I was when he came home from work. When I arrived home two hours later, my mum and aunt were there in tears. DH had called them and said I was missing. DH and my Dad were out looking for me

This is not anxiety.
This is a sociopath at work.

Are your mum and dad particularly susceptible to the narrative of you dead in a ditch?

So you believe this is undoubtedly an anxiety problem as gospel truth. If so, why is it that so many therapists & counsellors have been supposedly unable to understand or help treat his anxiety ? You are certain there is no manipulation on his part? Even though his anxiety is used to explain & justify his actions ? Does his anxiety ever seem to actually limit his own life & curtail his own enjoyment of life ? Or just yours ?

I think you’ve been completely had & in the thick of it. But you know it’s wrong because you can’t live this way anymore, even though he is supposedly suffering from mental health so badly, he is seemingly ok to continue to plod on the same way with no desire to change.

Did the 'note' incident happen before or after the advent of mobile phones?

Did your family search your house?

Did he or anyone else suggest calling the police?

I can sort of relate to that. When I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack all my processing ability shuts down - I’m the proverbial rabbit in the headlights, and nothing really works properly. I can’t do things I can normally quite easily manage, can’t think clearly at all and once I become panicked that’s it, I just have to cope and wait for it to settle back down before I become my normal, quite sensible and clever self again. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling. So it could well be true that he didn’t see the note.

Don’t believe his promises too much, OP. He will probably say whatever he thinks you want to hear. He needs to actually stick to it, take his meds and seek therapy. You need to step back from trying to manage it (which actually enables him and makes it worse). Your daughter is your top priority, secondly keeping yourself healthy and well, and thirdly supporting him in his own management of his condition.

Op I live with a partner with anxiety and I myself have it. One thing I have to say is when I did cbt it was made clear what I do and have I learnt behaviour. This means dad could pick it up too - could you ask him to move out say for 6 months while he gets himself sorted? To reduce impact on her?

I recommended a book upthread which he could try.
To think someone is going to magically fix years of anxiety eg counsellor, GP, is too big an ask imv. You need a multi pronged attack with sufferer making life changes too. You do have some control over your feelings and thoughts, unless it's a psychotic episode, it is curable, though it might occasionally recur, but once you know you can fix it, fixing it gets easier.

It sounds like good progress already- you’ve managed to tell him you’re at the end of your tether. He’s listened and gone to the dr.

I hope he does begin to improve and as someone else suggested, please get some private counselling for yourself, it will help reaffirm that your feelings are valid.

He might not have seen the note, but how didn't anyone else see the note?

If so, why is it that so many therapists & counsellors have been supposedly unable to understand or help treat his anxiety ?

In all the weirdness surrounding the issue, this is one thing I do accept as viable. NHS mental health services in our area are very strained financially, leading to certain restrictive policies for treatment, and tend to lose experienced practitioners to the private sector.

I remember the first time DH sought counselling, maybe nearly seven years ago now, and he was set up with telephone appointments with a counsellor. The first one was cut short, and the subsequent next two sessions cancelled by the counsellor with less than 24 hours notice with no way to recoup them back. So out of ten sessions, he only got seven full ones and I seem to remember some of those didn't happen either.

Another counsellor, organised through a charity service, kept asking him to choose which pebbles best fit family members every session and never once asked him about his anxiety.

He's been to group therapy, and felt it wasn't useful because the issues there were largely about alcoholism and drug abuse.

Seven years ago, we even went privately to see a relationship counsellor together because I knew something was wrong in our marriage (this was before he admitted the full extent of the anxiety problem and I still believed he could personally work through it), and to be honest, it just wasn't helpful at all. In fact, the counsellor asked me to leave the room for a while after I grew frustrated and said something like "Oh for heaven's sake, DH!" Apparently, I brought anger into the room.

There have been other events in our marriage that complicate the picture as well. We have had significant parental relationship problems over the last 13 years, and, unfortunately, I had two stillbirths before I had DD. So there's been quite a bit of trauma going on, and it's kinda crowded out DH's anxiety issue. There's always been this sense of firefighting for the last six years, and the most hardcore issue on top of the pile of shit we've had in our lives has had priority, iyswim.