I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

I haven't really got any helpful advice, but I think you've been an amazing partner to your husband. It's often supporters of people with mental health issues are overlooked.

My partner has to help me a lot with my anxiety and I really hope if it was getting too much for him he would try to tell me. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? You obviously love him very much, but it's very overwhelming.

That sounds really difficult, @Trappedinthemurk - I don't think I could deal with that for such a prolonged period of time. The key for me is that he's not willing or committed to helping himself.

What would happen if you sat him down and said "okay, you have a choice. Either we get divorced because I've reached my limit and can't cope anymore, OR you commit to going to CBT/taking medication (or whatever measures are necessary to help him) for x period of time"?

I don't usually think ultimatums are a good idea but in this case it might be the wake-up call he needs to galvanise him into action. You need to look after yourself too.

How long did he go to therapy, and is he on any medication for anxiety?

Starting point is he needs to immediately commit to ongoing therapy, starting now. Find a local counsellor specialising in anxiety.

I had private therapy for 5 years, and am a completely different person, and also take venlafaxine.

And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I'm sorry but anxiety or not that is heavily controlling. My partner is severely mentally unwell and I know what you mean but he cant keep expecting you to live like this in order to keep HIS anxiety at bay.

How much of his anxiety actually has a negative effect on his life? It seems to me that whilst he may have anxiety, he isnt suffering it. you are.

My DH has started to worry about insignificant crap. It annoys me to hell tbh and I'm sick of making decisions but we've been married a long time now and he makes up for it in other ways. I think you just have to decide if it's the life you want.

What happens if you just go? I presume you know his worst triggers and wouldn't do that, but you have to live?

Tbh, if you separate you have to do it properly. Dd goes to his for his time, he doesn't cross your new front door.

Toodler ... Yes, I have spoken to him about it. Indeed, after 13 years of it, we've got to the point where I've pretty much physically broken down over it at least three or four times in the past year.

Then it will get better for a while, before the inevitable slide back into the same old same old.

He knows that I feel suffocated by it, but that, in itself, causes an extra layer of issue as he doesn't then what to express his anxiety over something and instead just begins to behave very strangely.

The latest trigger, which has led me to post, is that I want to go to an event this evening that is about a 20 minute drive away. He just started panicking, and I don't want his anxiety while he is at home with DD to affect her -- it creates a very strange atmosphere in the house and she's only 2. So I arranged for a friend to come pick me up, despite the fact we have a car and I can drive myself.

I just want to be a normal forty-something woman, who can get into a car she pays for, and drive to somewhere she wants to go the way she wants to do it. I just want, sometimes, to be alone or to go somewhere with my DD just the two of us. I feel like I have no independence or even free will.

It's like some sort of surrealist prison where the bars are illusory, and I just can't cope with it anymore.

I’d leave. I know he’s ill but he’s taking no responsibility for himself. How does he cope at work? Is it just at home he supposedly falls apart?

I too would give him an ultimatum. He either gets help from a very good psychotherapist who specialises in anxiety or you separate.

How much of his anxiety actually has a negative effect on his life? It seems to me that whilst he may have anxiety, he isnt suffering it. you are.

That's what I was thinking.

Oh OP. You’ve done a lot. More than enough. Sadly at this point you being so kind and accommodating is likely just enabling him to be able to continue how he is, which isn’t just anxious but controlling to boot.

You’ve given him plenty of time and support and he’s had plenty of chances to improve things through therapy and medications etc., at a certain point he’s choosing to remain this way because it’s easier for him than putting in the work to change, despite the fact it’s much more difficult for you to live with.

You don’t want your daughter picking up on how he is and growing up anxious herself, I think it’s time to walk away.

I was exactly the same as your husband and thought it was just something I (and my DH) would have to live with. Then I had a baby and was diagnosed with severe PND, and put on 80mg of fluoxetine. I cannot believe how much it's changed my life. I'm down to 20mg and the anxiety has just... gone! I don't need DH to text me immediately whenever he arrives safely anywhere. If he doesn't reply to my texts I don't assume he's dead. I'm not panicky every time he's out without me. I've gone from sitting up all evening when he's out rocking back and forward, crying and endlessly refreshing my phone to him going away for a full weekend and me just wanting him to have fun and hardly even thinking about it! It is BLISS. I cannot believe this is how "normal" people live, or how long I (and DH) put up with how things were before!

The problem is, when I had anxiety, I almost didn't want to get better because the anxiety was telling me that if I stopped being anxious, something terrible would happen. Secretly I think I was a bit protective over my anxiety because I felt it was keeping me from harm. It's so hard to see past that. But honestly, I tried everything apart from a serious medication regime, and medication is the only thing that has helped me.

I'm a different person. My DH is a different person. My marriage is 100 times better. My DD is happier. If you think it will help, feel free to share my story with your DH.

I think, although it might seem cruel, you have to stop accommodating him. Your own mental health is suffering and your shielding him from the reality of his own problems. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. While you doing so, he doesn’t see any need to engage with therapy. This has to change, it’s no way for you to live. He might not be an abuser but you are being controlled just as surely as if he were.

Peach green - thank you for your post - a great insight for me into living with anxiety ❤️

If he finds it difficult to stick to different therapies, I think you should suggest he goes to the GP to get medication. It may give him some space to deal with the root causes of his anxiety. I also took Fluoxetine when I was suffering with bad anxiety, it was brilliant! I'm off the medication now but if I needed it in the future, I wouldn't hesitate to take it again.

I don't think this is a LTB but the two things that jump out at me here are, as other posters have pointed out that:

1. His anxiety seems to impact your life and your behaviour far more than it does his.
2. His anxiety is this severe and yet he doesn't seem willing to get help?

So, he might not be, at heart, an abusive man but frankly, this is starting to look like abuse to me.

If it was me i'd be telling them that unless he seeks help, and sticks to it, this relationship will not be continuing.

Also, think about your DD. right now she's only 2. But what happens in 10 years time when she wants to walk to school alone? Or go to a sports group in the evening? Or join a ballet class? I suspect that will send his anxiety through the roof and your DD is the one who will suffer. And be suffocated.

How much of his anxiety actually has a negative effect on his life? It seems to me that whilst he may have anxiety, he isnt suffering it. you are.

I'd really like to know the answer to this too.

The fact things do get better after you have broken down suggests he is more in control than you think.

If he can get his anxiety under control when faced with losing you then this isn’t about anxiety.

He is using his illness to control you and get what he wants, he doesn't persist with any therapy because he doesn't want to get rid of his illness it's too 'useful' for him.
I'm not suggesting that this is a deliberate and conscious strategy, it may well be all or part unconscious.

Op, if this wasn't labelled anxiety it would be controlling behaviour. And extreme selfishness. Letting you manage life and dictating what you can and can't do and labelling it anxiety.

What's he doing about it?

I did went through the same thing with my ex partner he had anixety and depression. It seem to got worse since we both had a child. He doesn't do anything about it and I had to make him to see the doctor about it. He would stay on medication and counselling for short time and then he will go back to his old way. He was affecting me so much that I felt I couldn't breathe and I always had to walk around on eggs shell with him. I had to be careful what I say otherwise he get upset. He wasn't improving since our child was born. In the end, I felt that he was actually affecting my mental health so I decided to go separate way when my daughter was 2. I have to say that it was the best decision that I have made... Because even now he is still having depression and anxiety, still refuse to go get a help. My daughter is now 5 and we both very happy. I got new life now with new partner and never been more happier than ever. Do not ever let anyone else to drag you down. You got to think about yourself , you got to think what is the best for your child

OP I sympathise with you, but this will inevitably affect your dd detrimentally. I would give him an ultimatum, seek medical help or you will leave.

I was in a similar situation to you and following a traumatic birth, no sleep and the start of PND/PNA because DH was so bloody preoccupied I snapped when baby was about 4 months. 10 months later, life is so much different but it was very much do or die. DH has BPD and before I knew it there seemed to be a lot of 'rules' I needed to follow as to not trigger his MH. This was all very subtle but I realised was virtually if not already cohesive control. He would come home in a pissed off mood every night because of something I'd apparently done so I called him out on it, loudly and repeatedly. Tell him what it is. Tell him regardless of his anxiety he is being controlling and that is unacceptable. DHs life is much harder now because he has to face and deal with things he dislikes - different meals, visitors when hes home, the way I hang the washing out etc but it was that or separation. I refuse to take the burden of everything and I expect DH to be an equal and responsible adult in this house because do you know what, he may have MH but I was severely unwell following DD and I just had to cope so he does to. I got therapy and used medication to get better so the tools are avaliable if he wants to use them. Raise your expectations of him and stop babying him. He needs to step up or you'll know you're relationship is done.

I am worried for you and your dd. I honestly think you'd be better getting both of you out of this situation. It would be really damaging for your dd to grow up thinking this is how people live.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

I'm sorry, this is such a bizarre line of thought. Why on earth would HE stay over because you have a DD?

I'm another one who thinks he's controlling and not anxious, especially as he gives up on any treatment so easily.