I can't live with DH's anxiety anymore

[Trappedinthemurk]

DH and I been married for 13 years, and have a two year old. I'm in my early 40s. And I've just had enough of my DH's anxiety problems. Yet again, last night, we picked over the bones of an event that occurred thirty years ago, which DH is convinced is the root cause of his anxiety ... and I have nothing left to say.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark. But really, it's always there. As a result, DH doesn't hear what I say most of the time, can't think things through properly, can't figure out solutions to problems ... because the anxiety takes up so much of his mental capacity.

In reality, this means I end up carrying almost all the burden of running a household and our lives. Living with him is a bit like living with an angst ridden teenager, albeit one that earns a salary; he is so preoccupied with his own psyche that he ignores the material world around him. And his anxiety over me leaving the house means I either have to become an authoritarian laying down the law if I just want to go to a fucking pilates class, or I have to "negotiate" a compromise that won't send him into anxiety hell: a compromise that usually ends up making me feel like I have to have a chaperone everywhere I go.

I've just had enough of it. I feel smothered and suffocated; any natural movement, progress or change in our lives has to come from me otherwise, we end up stuck in a hideous rut that can last for years but the weight of it all feels like a millstone round my neck. I've suggested everything I can think of to help him: self-help, CBT, counselling, diet change, exercise, teatotalling, no caffeine, group therapy ... he does it for a bit, then it fades away. I don't think he's committed enough to getting well. And he won't take medication.

The thing is ... what options do I have here? We could divorce, I suppose, but I know what would happen. He's not abusive; he's generous and kind, and a lot of fun outside the anxiety. He'd still be my closest friend, he'd end up staying overnight because of DD etc, and before we knew it, we'd be pretty much living together, only we'd have had to sell our house to afford two much smaller properties and one of them would hardly be lived in.

But the thought that I am doomed to the next thirty years of living with his anxiety fills me with dread. The constrains it places on my life are suffocating.

Does anyone have any advice, ideas, thoughts?

You do realise that not only you are going to spend your life walking on eggshells but your DD too? He's going to control her just the same way he's controlling you.

No playing after school, no activity clubs. No sleepovers with friends.

It's bad enough he's putting you through this, don't let her be the next victim

I'd ask him to leave and only consider him coming back if and when he can make dramatic improvements.

I’m not convinced this is anxiety. It sound more like controlling arsehole syndrome which he’s parading as anxiety to justify himself. Horrendously abusive and manipulative behaviour.

My Dh has manic depression which can be very severe (leading to him being unable to work etc) and his anxiety can be absolutely awful (panic attacks at work, no sleep for days etc). If he ever told me I couldn’t go out on my own I would simply tell him where to go. You need to leave.

If it was a physical illness which he refused to take medication or get proper treatment for, meaning you all had to live your lives in a miserable, controlling way, you wouldn’t think it was acceptable, so why is this any different? I don’t think he actually wants to change sorry - it’s a convenient excuse to rule your life.

@Trappedinthemurk

This sounds like a shit life for you sorry OP.

I do wonder how he - and people like him - would cope if they were left to their own devices and had no-one to enable them?

I know a woman who was in a relationship with a man me and DH knew (some 15 years ago.) She and her DP went on holiday to West Africa, and she contracted a virus. She was ill for a month, but then the treatment she received, killed off the virus.

She said she was still feeling ill though, and despite multiple visits (over 5 or 6 months,) to the doctors, and various clinics, and several hospitals (a couple of them, some 90 to 120 miles away,) she was found to be fine.

She self-diagnosed herself as having M.E. She stayed off work for a further 5 or 6 months, and was then laid off after 14-15 months off 'sick.' Her DP had had enough of supporting her/enabling her - emotionally, mentally, and financially, and ended the relationship. (No ties, just renting a house, so it was easy to leave.)

So she moved back in with her parents, and they cow-towed to her, and treated her like a baby, and did everything for her, let her live rent-free etc, for a full five years, til we lost touch with them all. God knows how long it went on for!

I do wonder if things would have been different if she had had nobody to rely on, and she would have got help, and got herself together. I think when people are 'enabled' like this, they will take much, much longer to get 'better.'

What the fuck? That note thing is so weird. What did he say when you asked if he’d seen your note? What did your mum say when you explained you’d left a note.

Honestly, that, coupled with everything else you’ve written on this thread, is just a massive sign that you and your DD need to get away from this manipulative asshole.

God knows how long it went on for!

Or God knows how long she was genuinely unwell without a diagnosis for. Poor woman.

Going to get your eyebrows done shouldn't be a special outing that happens when he suggests. It's like he's taking you out in the way he'd take DD out. It doesn't sound like you have much freedom at all and that must be tough

Yes, where did the note go to.

Tbh he's not nice asking if you want to go get your eyebrows done, if you'd shouted down five min earlier to say you were going to drive and get them done, would it have happened?
Anxiety or not you are being controlled and what is this showing your daughter about relationships and free will.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark

My DM was like this when I was growing up.

I can't stress this enough; IT DAMAGED ME ENORMOUSLY.

I now have terrible anxiety problems of my own because she basically taught me from a very young age to be frightened of absolutely everything. I catastrophise constantly and think if I stop worrying even for a moment that's when something bad will happen. It's exhausting and you're saddled with it for life.

Yes it won’t affect your DD in the way you think.

By the time she’s older she won’t have to worry about him trying to stop her going out because she will already be riddled with anxiety herself - having been modelled this bizarre dynamic her whole life. She’ll probably be too scared to leave the house.

His anxiety manifests most acutely as a catastrophic fear of danger and ill-harm if I leave the house on my own, particular when it's dark

Funny. He mostly just catastrophises when it's about you.

Has it got worse since you had DD? And so when you're out you are more likely to be without him because he has to stay home and look after DD?

BIL tells SIL that because of his terrible childhood family and being together is very important to him. Funny how that translates it her not ever going out without him. Ever.

From Lundy Bancroft's abuser profiles:

THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER

This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.

1. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.

1. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.

1. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.

1. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.

1. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do.

If you take away the fact you believe the cause of your OHs behaviour is anxiety, the outcomes for you sound abusive. And regardless of what is driving his behaviour, the upshot is you’re in an abusive relationship with someone who is unwilling or unable to change. How much work are you having to do to manage his reactions, moderate your behaviour, maintain a harmonious household? It sounds exhausting and deeply unhealthy and a terrible atmosphere to expose your child to.

I have a close friend whose in a relationship very very similar to you OP. Her DH has had anxiety for 20 yrs or more but the anxiety surrounds her, I'd say it is obsessional more than anxiety tbh. He is concerned about her diet/health/her leaving him so much so it consumes him and then he can't function. He refuses to take medication too.
She tries to make him all better by encouraging a healthy diet, more exercise going teetotal, vitamins and all manner of self help books etc.
Both trapped and consumed by this behaviour.
He functions around others so is able to control his behaviour just not around her.
It's toxic and unhealthy. She doesn't have children thankfully.
It is awful watching my friend go through it and I hope she will say that enough is enough and break free from the mental prison he has put her in.

Thoughts OP.

How, that's abuse, not anxiety. Your friend is in an abusive relationship.

Does he admit to having a problem? Does he acknowledge that his behaviour will start to negatively affect your child as she gets older and becomes more aware of it? How can you possibly protect her from it whilst he’s still living with you?

What do you think is the best solution for your daughter?

Yes, I know, I have encouraged her to seek help for herself but she isn't ready to leave.

Anxiety is truly dreadful but so is letting it ruin someone else's life.

Betablockers saved me op. No affect on your brain, just helps with physical symptoms.

He needs to stop putting it off and go to his gp

30 years is a long time.

Try this book, it's a bit different to the usual, i had great success with it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Dare-Anxiety-Stop-Panic-Attacks/dp/0956596258?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Treatment/medication seems to be seen as an easy fix in this thread but it's not.

Leaving aside the fact that nobody has suggested therapy or meds are an ‘easy fix’ (most people realise therapy is hard work and only works if you work hard at it!), what’s the alternative? OP accepts her DH is like this and sticks around while her own MH and that of her daughter’s goes down the pan?

People are suggesting solutions because OP may not want to immediately end her marriage. They’re trying to help her find a way through this if she isn’t ready or willing to walk away (FWIW walking away is a very valid decision especially after so long).

What’s your specific advice to OP?

This sounds suffocating OP....

No-one said it's an easy fix.
Far from it.
But HE is ruining lives.
And he needs to consider every option open to him to try to minimise the affect he is having on the people that love him.
But he won't.
Mainly because this works for him.
No consequences. Get's to dictate OP life.
Nothing in his life changes. Great!!!!
WHAT ABOUT THE OP AND HER MENTAL HEALTH????

Tbh anyone would take the easy fix to make everyones lives less controlled.

Meds help with high anxiety and obsessional thoughts within 6 weeks so you then can function and start some decent longtime therapy for a healthy future for you, your wife and child.

Refusal to do that and your bags would be packed.

OP do seek out some therapy for your own sanity.

I’m really sorry but if he is determined not to try to help himself then the best thing you can do for yourself, and especially for your daughter, is to leave him. Sooner or later his anxiety is going to transfer to her and it will make her life hell and completely ruin any chance she has of a happy and confident life.

Think very carefully about what kind of life and mental wellbeing she will be able to build whilst growing up with this.

You’re already at the end of your rope and have no further resources to deal with this on his behalf. How will you have the resources to be a stable and strong parent for your daughter as she navigates her way through school/teenagehood/whatever emotional and mental challenges she might face?

My dh had psychosis, depression and anxiety, and in terms of MY daily life and the impact on ds, the anxiety was by far the worst.

Ds used to have a fear of heights - crying, clinging to things. It's completely disappeared since dh is not here any more with his own fear of heights. He used to disappear to his room a lot - still does sometimes but so much less now. He can do more and is freer in life.

The immense difficulty with this is just what you've described- that refusing to feed the anxiety by living a more normal life potentially puts your dd into closer contact with it.

Medication may or may not help but who knows since he hasn't even tried it? I think you should start from the point of view that you cannot live like this any more. Things MUST change. Either you will have to live apart or he should try consistent medication, as a starting point. Possibly both? I sometimes felt that living in a family was too much for dh, that living apart but staying married would have worked better.