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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
ShadowOnTheSun · 12/10/2019 21:22

She's an idiot. But it doesn't look like your son and her will stay together for long, she's acting brain-dead and who would want to stay with a person like that. He doesn't want to marry her anyway. He'll dump her and you won't have to worry about her any more. It just a shame he chose to have a kid with this pathetic woman.

And what is with this 'she has a new baby, so she's very vulnerable' shit? WTF does this even mean? And yes, I had a baby. Still don't understand. Billions of people have babies, absolutely nothing special about that. Wouldn't hurt her to grow some balls instead of bitching and whining, if she's so 'vulnerable'.

converseandjeans · 12/10/2019 21:40

I think YANBU to want to go away with your grand children. Are you supposed to pretend ex DIL doesn't exist just because she & your DS are separated? Also the fact that you have previously tried to instigate things with new DIL. Honestly if you get together with someone who has a family already then you have to expect this sort of thing. She needs to get over it & move on.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 21:40

Being with someone a few years and having a child, is not NEW. Yet OP still refers to her Sons life partner as new, I think this speaks volume's. Confused

ToftyAC · 12/10/2019 21:47

Sadly no advice. As far as I can see, new DIL needs to grow up. Why would you not have a good relationship with your grandchildren’s mother? Someone needs to learn that when part of a blended family you have to behave like adults.

LolaSmiles · 12/10/2019 21:47

First off, stop calling her “new” and just call her partner. If I’m getting pissed off with it and sensing that you definitely prefer the ex wife over your son’s partner, then she will sense it in abundance
Or in the absence of names and how unclear threads can be with DP/DH/etc ex wife and new partner keep it clear who is being spoken about.

manicmij · 12/10/2019 22:21

Not a new partner for your son so surely she must know you keep in touch with his ex and that is what she is an ex. His current partner needs to understand that just because your son ended a relationship doesn't means you gave to do the same. You have a GS from that relationship and you want to go on holiday with him, what's wrong in that.

Canidothis31 · 12/10/2019 22:32

Every family is different so it's difficult to generalise about this sort of thing. People saying 'she needs to grow up' are projecting their own lives onto it. Rarely is there a one size fits all answer.
I think a little empathy goes a long way. Put yourself in each others shoes and start conversations from there.

Branleuse · 12/10/2019 22:33

She doesnt need to understand that. She could just choose not to be close to you anymore.
She knows your dh doesnt like her. She knows her partner doesnt want to marry her. She knows you're going on holiday with your husband and her partners ex wife.
What a bitch eh. Cant imagine why she could possibly feeling insecure.

Branleuse · 12/10/2019 22:34

@shadowonthesun are you the ex wife?

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 22:35

@shadowonthesun are you the ex wife? LOL Grin

ymf117 · 12/10/2019 22:38

She made her choice when she entered a relationship with a man that has a past and a family and now she expects the ex wife to essentially go away. Is this how she would like to be treated if they didn't work out? Call her out on it.

Novembersbean · 12/10/2019 22:42

Or in the absence of names and how unclear threads can be with DP/DH/etc ex wife and new partner keep it clear who is being spoken about.

If everyone took that approach to words that offend some that are used in the name of clarity nobody would freak out when people use the term BM.

Aunaturalmama · 12/10/2019 22:48

I’m confused.. is it a family vacation? With the mom dad you and children of your son and his ex wife? I don’t think that’s weird at all for her not to come. If baby was coming too I would definitely invite the mother as well.

Or is it a vacation with you the ex wife and your son? That’s pretty weird to me

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 22:54

the vacation is for...

Mother in Law
Father in Law (who does not speak to current 'new' DIL )
ExWife (kids are older teenagers are do not wish to go)

this is my understanding.. I could be wrong... Grin

Totaldogsbody · 12/10/2019 23:27

OP I think to understand your DiL you need to put yourself in her shoes. She has just had a baby and is probably feeling a bit overwhelmed by motherhood. Then she finds out that the MiL who she has been trying so hard to please has made arrangements to go on holiday with the ex. I know I would be feeling annoyed at you. She's probably also wondering what the hell she's done to annoy you that you have turned to the ex. You are entitled to go on holiday with whoever you want but I think you should also consider how others will be made feel by your actions. I think all you can do at the moment is try and explain that although you are going on holiday with the ex that you didn't want it to become a wall between you and her and are sorry she feels pushed out in anyway but that you feel you should maintain a good relationship with your grandchildrens mother. If she won't listen a note to that effect with the birthday flowers may help. If not it may take time to repair the damage if you can.

Cloglover · 12/10/2019 23:40

I think you have been getting some really harsh and tbh childish responses. It sounds as tho your son and exdil parted ways amicably which allowed everyone to just be decent towards each other. Surely your sons new partner should be reassured that if anything happens to their relationship you will still want to be part of her life as much as her child's? That's a really nice thing.

The fact that you previously got on must be really frustrating. I hope you are able to get your relationship back. Sometimes I think that letters are able to explain what sometimes we find hard to articulate or hear. Maybe a letter to just explain that you genuinely like her and that you really miss the relationship that you used to have and could you both try and sort it out?

It would be really crap if it continued, and for the sake of your new grandchild, just keep on extending that olive branch.

Who knows what's going on - she may be feeling a bit depressed, overwhelmed or insecure and this situation might be the easiest outlet.

Good luck. X

AgentJohnson · 13/10/2019 00:18

This is ridiculous! It’s pointless speculating why she’s behaving like a ‘you can’t be friends with us both’ sulky teen.

However, your son isn’t in the middle, he’s sadly taken the ‘what can I do, shoulder shrug’ spineless position that so many men take in relation to second marriages.

Pregnancy isn’t a ‘being a bitch’ free pass. I personally would not sacrifice my relationship with DIL#1 to appease DIL#2.

I cannot abide spineless men.

IdiotInDisguise · 13/10/2019 00:38

ExH and I split amicably and co parented well together until he met his partner.

New partner got into the scene and thought our exH and I ’s friendship was inappropriate so we stopped talking to avoid upsetting her.

Then she demanded he stop having contact with all the friends who I was also friends with. He obliged.

Then she thought that my exH shouldn’t have a relationship with his own son because he was a reminder of me. He complied.

When exH decided to stop contact, mil was not happy, new partner saw this as if MIL was on my side so she shunned her as well.

My MIL visited DS, new partner saw that as a treason and forbid contact with SIL as she had not told them about the visit.

The moral of the story is, go in holiday with whoever you want, this bitch will always find a way to feel betrayed and block you out.

IdiotInDisguise · 13/10/2019 00:42

... and yes, I agree the above was only possible because my exH never grew a spine.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 13/10/2019 05:09

I think there's much more going on beneath the surface even if OP doesn't see it herself. Look at some of the things OP has said:

Original post refers to going on holiday with ex-DIL - not that she's going on holiday with her grandson and that ex-DIL will be coming along too. There's a difference in the wording which betrays how she sees it.

OP later admits she went on holiday with ex-DIL last year with GC and son's partner was fine about it. So what the hell has changed? Why is she suddenly so unhappy about it?

Son says he is definitely not to blame for his partner being insecure. You accept this totally. So, obviously all her fault then....at least that's the implication.

She wants to marry him, but he doesn't want to marry her. No need to mention this at all but shows where OP mind is at, despite the protestations.

OP constantly refer to her as "new partner" despite the fact they have been together years and have a baby.

OP says that her son "works very hard" so she can't possibly be feeling fragile despite still having a tiny baby.

OP claims that she loves son's partner and likes her a lot but goes on to say that her husband doesn't like her any more because of things she said to him in private. If they are really that bad, there's no way that they haven't coloured OP's opinion. And if they aren't that bad, it's someone else in the family treating the son's partner like shit. She doesn't seem to have any allies.

There's clearly more going on beneath the surface. OP seems to just have been seeking validation that she can see who she likes which of course she can. But with such a huge subplot it would have been prudent to consider whether there might be an impact. It's not about not being able to go on holiday, read beneath the lines, there's much more going on here than we're being told.

wineisneedednow · 13/10/2019 07:22

It appears that DIL2 was all good with the holiday last year.

Since then she has had a baby.

How did DIL1 react to the news that her ex was going to be a Dad again? Even in very amicable relationships, I’ve seen this cause issues with ex-wives/husbands as they know it will have an affect on the current dynamic.

I’d guess that there has been some unpleasantries between DIL1 and OP’s son and DIL2 which they may not have told OP about. But it may be assumed that OP knows (or maybe she does and isn’t saying).

DIL1 then agreeing to go on holiday with OP, could be seen as really sticking her fingers up at DIL2.

The only way to resolve is for OP to have the balls to have an open conversation with DIL2 and listen to what she has to say.

SnozPoz · 13/10/2019 07:28

I have a similar problem with my new mil. She wouldn't come to our wedding because she didn't want to upset ex DIL. Deeply hurtful. Especially knowing the grief said ex DIL has given my DH, her DS. Feels like she has put ex DIL ahead of her own DS. That aside I love my MIL. I understand it's difficult for her to choose... but her decision means I have to keep her at arms length. She's too close to someone who has caused immense pain in my DH's life.

Rtruth · 13/10/2019 07:52

So firstly, your son needs to deal with this more. He is common denominator.

However I can imagine how it would feel if my in law went on my holiday with my partners ex.

Sons current partner may have issues with his new one that you maybe unaware of.

Imagine if ex is using you as pawn in her game and you are unaware? Who knows...but son is key to sorting this.

awarmglow · 13/10/2019 08:04

I would pull out of the holiday, tell your new DIL that youre sorry you upset her, you didnt realise that she would feel so strongly as you all seemed to get on so well, , but on reflection its not appropriate and you never meant to hurt her feelings.

What I don't understand with opinions like this is why what the son's gf wants should trump what everyone else wants. Her position isn't that of the Madonna, to be revered above all.

saraclara · 13/10/2019 08:15

I do worry about how this MIL treats her new DIL, she obvious thinks she is not as good as the first DIL and probably subconsciously treats her differently. I have no issues with her going on hols with ex DIL but would she offer to go on hols with new DIL? does she constantly compare the and make snide comments? Has she ever once been nice / complimented new Dil or has she made this girl feel inferior and always in the shadow of the first? It reads to me that she has, maybe not on purpose but she has
@mussymummy you clearly haven't read much, because the OP has several times said how much she loves and likes the newer DIL. In fact she's said she likes her more than the old one.
And she's also said several times, that she asked newer DIL to come on (different) holidays before this situation arose, but DIL refused.

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