Problem with new daughter in law

[wishiwasinthesun]

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

In fact, when ex mother in law suggested I stay at her house, I rang my ex husband and did say what will your wife think. He said she won’t care. His mum then called me back to say she has no interest in anyone else’s opinion about the relationship she has with me. It was a like it or lump it situation.

Basically my ex mother in law won’t be told who she can and cannot speak to 🤷‍♀️

I should add I come from a divorced family. Mum and dad divorced nearly 30 years. My dad still goes in and out all my mums sisters and my grans house as if they were still married. This behaviour is all normal to me!

Has the OP said they have been together for six years ? In her first post she says “ a few” which sounds less time to me.

@wishiwasinthesun You need to ask your son to talk to his partner. He is the pig in the middle here and he needs to smooth this over.

Your son's partner needs to see that your relationship with his ex wife is nothing to do with her. The marriage is over but if you want to see the mother of your grandchildren that is nothing to do with her.

The whole point of this and other posters' comments is they feel jealous and threatened.
That's just plain daft.

Do they think you are going to bad mouth the new partner to the ex wife? What IS the issue?

There are a lot of women here with deep insecurities.

After a divorce, you divorce your spouse. That does NOT mean you divorce the rest of their family.

What a lot of bitter, mean, and jealous warped minds some women have here. Pitiful really.

My bitterness and warped pitiful jealousy doesnt come into play much as we all have decent boundaries around exes and dont live in the past. Also i wouldnt stay in a relationship with someone where him or his family made me feel insecure or chose friendship with an ex over me. I couldnt be bothered

One day the "new DIL " might be an ex too .

Is the bad feeling to do with the relationship between DiL and your DH?

There's obviously something there

You sound awful! I’d be very hurt if my MIL went on holiday with my husbands ex with or without the kids! She must feel very pushed out and second best. I actually feel very sorry for his new partner.

I had a great relationship with my late Mil. Both during my marriage to her son and afterwards.

We were great friends and I miss her terribly even now. I am still friends with all my ILS from that marriage. Why not? We should not surely be defined simply by our connection (past or present) to others. Especially so for women. We are not only daughters (in law) or mothers( in law) or wives/partners.

Anybody that tries to control another person through having strops and doing a disappearing act isn't worth your time or effort OP.

This. Your new DiL sounds like a teenager.

Sometimes it seems like an extention of the whole coolgirl thing. We have to all pretend we never feel insecure, never feel jealous. Nothing rocks our boat

Christ on a bike. Maybe it's just possible that a lot of people really AREN'T insecure and jealous over such petty shit? Nothing about being "cool", I just couldn't care less if my MiL gets on well with my partner's ex. Has no bearing on me and my partner. It's irrelevant.

I'm amazed that so many people on here would have a problem with it.

She needs to grow up! You have grandchildren with the ex, you have every right to be friendly with her, it has literally no bearing on how much you can like anyone else

Or maybe people acknowledge they feel jealous but also recognise it’s unreasonable and don’t show it through their behaviour?

We’re not talking here about ‘normal’ friend dynamics. Like it or not, your son has a new partner and you now have a new DIL. You may well wish he had chosen to stay with the person with whom you have a relationship- but he hasn’t. Yes, of course you can choose who to be friends with, but the reality is that, as your new DIL, she will find it difficult to accept your closeness with his ex. That is reality.

Sometimes it seems like an extention of the whole coolgirl thing. We have to all pretend we never feel insecure, never feel jealous. Nothing rocks our boat

For me it definitely isn't that. I learned that a lot of the time,my insecurities, anxieties and concerns are just that, mine. So whilst I might feel negatively about my MIL choice, it is likely because something is wrong with me/my relationship that is making me threatened and giving me the urge to respond by controlling other people. Acknowledging this actually gives me the ability to speak about it with MIL (in this example) candidly and let her help me feel reassured without even inadvertently giving MIL an ultimatum or giving it the strop. I know it is about me, not her, and not the ex.

I'm imagining she's taking out on you because she can't take it out on your son. hence the extreme reaction.

She should grow up.

After a divorce, you divorce your spouse. That does NOT mean you divorce the rest of their family Agreed.

What a lot of bitter, mean, and jealous warped minds some women have here. Pitiful really It is.

the reality is that, as your new DIL, she will find it difficult to accept your closeness with his ex. That is reality

Sorry but I genuinely cannot see why you would care who your partner's mother hangs out with.

So what we have is a pair of paternal grandparents opting to holiday with their grandchildren's mother and their grandchildren because for a number of years they have all (their son and ex included) chosen to be sensible adults who are amicable and friendly rather than thriving off drama and spite.

And his new partner has thrown a strop over it to the point where she is actively trying to create an uncomfortable dynamic by walking out when the OP visits.

I'm with the OP on this one.

Save the "cool girl" crap. There's loads of adults putting the kids first and one creating tension and drama because she doesn't like the fact other adults have remained amicable.

Presumably it's all because your son is also going and she doesn't like it.

Well youre legally allowed to go on holiday with her. If you think its worth any fall out then thats up to you, because it makes not a jot of difference that a few people on here are still happy families with their exes family, because this DIL has string feelings about this boundary, despite seemingly being ok with a low key friendship up till now.
The only choice you get to make is whether you still want a close relatiomship with your new DIL, because shes been pretty clear

I can understand her being upset. Have you ever asked her to come away even for a weekend? To her she's also the mother of your grandchild who you say you got on well with. After a new baby especially if it's her first she will be all over the place. Maybe she feels a lack of support around her but the ex wife appears to have it all. Invite her to do something see if it improves the situation.

Obviously I could be wrong but it sounds to me that the holiday gave her an out. The relationship with you might have been more intense than she is comfortable with.

I daresay she is hurt but I'm guessing there's more to it.

I have no experience with ex's but I do with intense in-laws.

The people going on the holiday are the grandparents and the ex. The son/DP of the DiL having the tantrum isn't going.

Op has invited DIL away previously but she declined.

OP sees her new grand child.

I'd be interested to hear OP's New DIL's take on this situation, particularly as OP's DH does not have anything to do with the NewDIL, for as OP says, his own reasons.
So there is a backstory here despite OP saying there isn't one.

It wouldn't be beyond reason, to imagine a very different version of events, to the one presented by OP, due to the back story we're not hearing.

Is OP influenced by her DH's dislike of their New DIL, without even realising.

Who knows

@Aderyn19 - spot on.

OP, I think you’ve been given a real rough ride with some of these comments. Why you’re supposed to stop being friends with the mother of your grandchildren just because she is now not married to your son, I have no idea. I bet it means the world to your teenage grandsons that you have such a lovely relationship with their mum.