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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:
Artesia · 12/10/2019 18:51

YANBU. Your son invited ex dil into your family, made her your family too. Just because they have now split doesn’t mean all the other relationships built up over years are meaningless.

Also, from your grandchildren’s perspective, it’s so important to see both sides of the family having healthy relationships and getting on well. It validates their whole sense of who they are, and having been born into a relationship founded on love, even if mum and dad aren’t together any more.

I despised my ex for many years due to his appalling behaviour, but always maintained a great relationship with ex in-laws. I had known them for years, they had seen me grow up and become a wife and mother. They were very important figures in my life, and I wouldn’t have been prepared to pretend otherwise just because it upset ex-H’s new wife. Moreover, DS loved seeing us together- it was massively important to him.

Second wife knew she was marrying someone who had been married before, and should have realised what that might entail.

Devora13 · 12/10/2019 18:53

Her partner and father of her small baby doesn't want to marry her and her 'MIL' is going on holiday with his ex (the one he did want to marry).

Really, this sounds like an issue between your son and his partner. If she's feeling insecure and this is making her feel worse, they need to sort it out between them.

mussymummy · 12/10/2019 18:54

Wow and MIL 's like you are the very reason why I now hate mine. Cut the poor girl some slack and put yourself in her shoes

systems2 · 12/10/2019 18:57

This is situational - it depends on the people involved. if both can look at it from the other's perspective things tend to work out. Without knowing the ins and outs it is difficult to say....but the fact that you seem to have no idea why this is a problem (when so many on here would hate it) suggests a lack of empathy on your side. Someone needs to be brave enough to break the impasse....some flowers with a card saying how important she is to you etc could make a huge difference.

Catsrus · 12/10/2019 19:04

I'm a first wife with a brilliant relationship with my ex in laws (10yrs post divorce). exMIL and I live in the same town, she's now in her 90's,, exH and new wife (the OW) live many miles away. I see ex MIL most weeks, and yes. we've been away together (With DC) and spend christmas together as she is unable to get to ExH's (And they tend to go away anyway).
I also have a good relationship with ExH and the newW, because, you know, we're grown ups.

Your son is being a grown up about your relationship with his exW, his wife needs to step up and be a grown up too. My ex MIL stuck to her guns in the early years about inviting me to events and it all settled down nicely in the end, once new wife knew i was no threat. We actually quite like each other these days, I happily sit next to her at family events like DCs graduation. There will be no issues at family weddings, funerals, big celebrations because we all made sure that we put the DC first.

LolaSmiles · 12/10/2019 19:06

Wow and MIL 's like you are the very reason why I now hate mine.
I know.
How dare a grandparent possibly remain amicable and friendly with their grandchildren's mother.

It's a totally hatful thing to do.

What should have happened in a split is that everything was acrimonious, everyone takes sides and there shouldn't be any communication beyond minimal civil interactions through gritted teeth. That way any future partner will know they've won the man and won the family.

Harvestsquirrel1 · 12/10/2019 19:12

I understand both sides. But why not invite the new DIL along for a girls’ holiday? Even if she can’t make it, invite her. Odds are, she’s not feeling special. She’s feeling second, left out. It’s great guy have a bond with the ex, but time to build something with the new DIL.

Thehouseintheforest · 12/10/2019 19:18

As a second wife, I can honestly say I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. Sorry but your sons new partner needs to get over herself - but then again , your son felt sufficiently for his ex to marry her ! Yet hasn't married his gf despite having a baby with her:

Getting married may make her feel less than second best... I know it would had I been in the same position.

Aunaturalmama · 12/10/2019 19:21

I feel it’s a weird request to ask him to not Bring his new wife..?

Gileadisreal · 12/10/2019 19:27

Oh gosh. Well it's clearly an emotive subject! I think in any blended famillies (I know I know, even the word is vomit inducing), it takes a lot of feelings being put to one side and the putting of big grown up panties on. I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong, the new partner is just clearly not there yet. Be kind, she clearly needs some time to adjust to the idea of you and the ex being so close.

mussymummy · 12/10/2019 19:29

LolaSmiles no I did not make myself clear that's not what I meant. I think for the sake of the children and everyone else involved that the grownups have retained a friendly and amicable relationship is wonderful
I do worry about how this MIL treats her new DIL, she obvious thinks she is not as good as the first DIL and probably subconsciously treats her differently. I have no issues with her going on hols with ex DIL but would she offer to go on hols with new DIL? does she constantly compare the and make snide comments? Has she ever once been nice / complimented new Dil or has she made this girl feel inferior and always in the shadow of the first? It reads to me that she has, maybe not on purpose but she has

LolaSmiles · 12/10/2019 19:45

mussymummy
Oh right! I thought it was an unusually negative and angry response to what seems like an amicable family setup. Sorry for the sarcasm there Smile

I don't see that the OP has done anything other than try to get on and be friendly with the new partner. Given the sulking has kicked in over the holiday, I think the new partner needs to get a grip or learn to communicate like an adult instead of acting like a child.

merrymouse · 12/10/2019 19:45

I really like son's new partner and we got on extremely well, talking on the phone daily etc

That is quite a close relationship - do you think perhaps she feels you have betrayed her more as a best friend than as a MIL?

Technonan · 12/10/2019 19:50

I'm amazed at the posts that say 'Yes, you can do it but you must face the consequences.' Your DIL must be massively insecure if she can't accept that your DS ex-wife and mother of your grandchildren is not still part of the family - of course she is. It sounds like your DIL has some growing up to do.

XingMing · 12/10/2019 19:59

Can I suggest a lunch at which all these issues could be aired, discussed, and maybe laid to rest? That's what I'd do, rather than asking the internet.

My ex MIL was lovely, in another country she helped me navigate custom kindly, taught me how things worked, and I became very fond of her. In fact the end of my marriage didn't cost a husband, it cost a lot more because I lost a dear friend and a whole network I spent five years building, who would probably still be part of my life, but for the split with exH.

Is a girlie bonding lunch totally impossible?

Coyoacan · 12/10/2019 20:03

OP, I think you’ve been given a real rough ride with some of these comments. Why you’re supposed to stop being friends with the mother of your grandchildren just because she is now not married to your son, I have no idea*

I'm afraid I've had to jump to the end here because I am appalling at the first few answers. I was friends with my exMIL but unfortunately all my ex's new girlfriends and wives put her under so much pressure about it all that our friendship was severely affected. And, of course, my dd was caught in the middle of it all.

I was never, ever interested in getting back together with her son and she knew it.

XingMing · 12/10/2019 20:09

Not knowing how old any of you are, it might be that the new mum/partner is another generation distant, which can make developing the friendship harder. I only say this because I was a very old mum and my DS's girlfriends would, in other families, be my grandson's age... which would make friendship less likely.

AllDaySnacker · 12/10/2019 20:19

@wishiwasinthesun My two cents’ worth:
I think you sound like a lovely MIL and lovely grandma to both wives and both sets of grandchildren. With the long relationship between son and ex-wife I would think it quite heartless if you cut her out altogether and abruptly following divorce. It takes more effort to maintain a good relationship and I respect you for that.

The new wife may well feel jealous that she is not the only DIL you cherish, and also with tiredness and hormones etc she might have less patience to try and understand your point of view.

Do you think she might be amenable to persuasion that you would go on holiday with her in future too, but that you’re going with ex-DIL for fairness all round especially fairness to the teenage grandchildren who will be acutely aware of your actions?

I find it hard to comprehend how friendships / kinships with in-laws would dissolve once the marriage is over, if they had got on very well during the marriage.

Thehouseintheforest · 12/10/2019 20:27

Sadly she is not 'the new wife' she is his partner wish is less than a wife which any way you want to spin it. The son hasn't made the commitment to make her his wife.

For my ten Penneth worth . That is the crux. Not very 'feminist' I know .. but unless she has an independent fortune that she needs to protect, putting her ion equal footing as a 'wife' would definitely help here.

Tunnocks34 · 12/10/2019 20:34

My nana stayed friend with my uncles ex wife. I mean, why wouldn’t she? The relationship ended as my uncle and his wife fell out of love with each other, but my Nan spent 25 years knowing, visiting and loving this woman, and vice versa - it didn’t just stop because my uncle remarried.

As it stands, she also cares deeply for her ‘newest’ DIL but she has maintained a close relationship with my uncles ex wife.

BrusselSprouts12345 · 12/10/2019 20:45

First off, stop calling her “new” and just call her partner. If I’m getting pissed off with it and sensing that you definitely prefer the ex wife over your son’s partner, then she will sense it in abundance. That won’t help her relationship with the ex wife, it will just make her more resentful. Anyway, you have made it clear who you would rather have in your life - your older grandchildren (who you could have a relationship with without their mother in the picture) and the woman your son chose to divorce. Not the woman who makes him happy now and he has a baby with...
I’d hate you too!

Celestine70 · 12/10/2019 20:49

You are not doing anything wrong. She needs to grow up. Her child has half-siblings so their mother is always going to be around in some way. You are an adult and can go on holiday with whoever you choose to.

Gitfeatures · 12/10/2019 20:55

Yes DH is coming on holiday too. His view of son's partner is different to mine. His opinion of her has changed because of comments she made to him which are to remain private.

Are you sure the issue is with exDIL rather than your DH?

TheresSummatUnderThatBed · 12/10/2019 20:57

I couldn't understand the DIL's position here at all until I imagined my MIL being friends with a particular one of my partner's ex-gfs. Then I suddenly realised that would feel like an absolute kick in the guts.

When I imagine her staying friends with a different one of his ex-gfs, I can't see any problem with it.

I wonder if people are projecting views of different exes on to this situation and that's causing the wildly different responses?

In my case, the first ex (the one I'd feel completely shaken by my MIL being friends with) is a difficult and unpleasant woman who lied about me and who was angry about my partner's new relationship.

The second ex is from longer ago and is sane and lovely.

Do we know anything about how the OP's DIL2 feels about DIL1 and vice versa?

Perhas DIL2, for some reason, feels very threatened by DIL1 even if superficially everything is amicable. Or maybe she just feels disliked by her, or dislikes her? Maybe she's getting a different view of DIL1 via her dp, than the OP sees, and therefore is seeing the OP as having chosen to be friends with someone who feels hostile to her, not someone neutral and amicably connected with the family (which is how the OP is seeing it)?

Maybe it's less about people's theoretical attitudes to exes in general and more about perceived or even imagined hostility towards a new partner from an ex? And insecurity, still feeling in competition with the ex long after that's not really appropriate, and so on.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/10/2019 21:00

There is a whole load of issues to wade through on the thread and some of them are from other posters.

IMO
You are no being entirely unreasonable, but you don't seem to want to recognise why your 'new' DiL feels the way that she does.

I also think that your DS also has a huge part is disrespecting his partners feelings.
She will have "to get over it" FFS.

I would also like to know what he has being feeding back to her, and I know that you don't like thinking that he maybe wrong, but I honestly believe that he has more to do with this than you think.