Help me understand this - proposal

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

DP and I have been together many years and have 3 young DC’s together.
When we first started dating, we had a light hearted chat about weddings, and way back then, I was still romanticising the idea of the ‘big white wedding’. I used to dream of a designer dress and matching shoes, a huge array of guests, just a massive deal made out of it all. DP was never of the same view, and stated he didn’t see the point in wasting so much money on one day, and thought people should just cheaply elope or have a registry office do instead.

As the years past (and DC’s added to our family) I ‘woke up’ and realised that I no longer wanted that big wedding, that marriage itself was way more important to me than the wedding day (as it should be!), and I ended up telling DP about how my views had changed and had become much more, simple, for lack of a better word.

Another year or so went by, with each of us talking about engagements and weddings and marriage (not always prompted by me!), and we still wasn’t engaged and no closer to being so.
One evening, after yet another talk about getting engaged, I was browsing rings online. Found one I fell in love with, and we ordered it.

It then came to light that DP’s views on weddings had changed since we first met. He’s now no longer comfortable with the idea of a registry office wedding or eloping, and instead wants something small with just close friends and family at a little venue close to our home. He wants our DC’s included in the ceremony, a car to arrive in etc - so quite the backtrack on what I’d been told years ago!

Anyway, the ring has now been sitting in our bedroom for four months. I’ve told DP I don’t want a huge deal made out of the proposal, I don’t want the thrills or the surprise (not that I’m going to be surprised in any way, shape or form since we already have the ring!), I don’t want elaborate planning having gone in to it, I just want us to be able to sit down and say ‘yes, we’re committed to each other, we’re now engaged and we’re going to knuckle down and start saving for a small wedding’. Done. That’s all I want and need. But dp has been insistent on doing something ‘proper’ for the proposal - apparently he WANTS to propose and experience the moment of doing it, and not just decide we’re engaged after a conversation.

So, we agreed no money would be put in to the proposal, because I think something lovely and romantic can be done at home, if the romance and that ‘moment’ is what he really wants to experience, he can definitely create that in our lounge (cheap flowers, a nice home cooked dinner, my favourite music playing, ask me to marry him, boom, sorted).
4 months I’ve been waiting (well, 4 months of having the ring, but I’ve actually been waiting years by this point), wondering what he could possibly be planning that couldn’t have happened since the ring arrived in June.

Well, it was my birthday last week. DP got me some amazing gifts which I’m so thankful for, got me a lovely card from the DC’s, but I didn’t receive a card from him. He knows I love to get a card from him, but is notorious for writing them out then misplacing them (he literally has a stack of birthday, Christmas and valentines cards that he never gets round to giving me because he always forgets where they end up 🙄 he also has stacks for his mum and his sister too!) but this morning, whilst sorting through our washing and putting some bits away, I came across an envelope in his sock drawer that appeared to have a birthday card inside, addressed to me. Given his history with cards, I assumed this was yet another card he’d forgotten about, so I opened it.

The card on the front read ‘to my fiancé on your birthday’, inside he’d written a birthday message then at the bottom wrote ‘now it’s official’.

I’m so confused and frankly, quite upset. We’ve had so many talks about engagement and marriage, especially over the last year, he knows I don’t want a fuss made and am more than happy to have a ‘no huge expenditure, no thrills’ proposal and an equally cheap wedding day, so to learn he was going to propose last week at home, likely after we’d got the DC’s to bed (perfect! No fuss!) is like a slap round the face to discover that for some reason, he’s chosen not to do it.

I don’t know what to think or feel.

(Please don’t comment about how precarious my situation is having dc before marriage. I am aware of the ramifications should we ever break up - so I’m not looking to be hounded at from that perspective.)

Just looking to see if anyone can unpick this trail of events and maybe help give me an insight in to what he’s thinking. I do plan on speaking to him at some point about what I’ve found, but wanted to offload on here first!

Thanks!

[Dyrne]

You can dole out the “wise advice” without insulting the OP...

There’s quite spectrum between “aww well done hun” and the “you’re deluded, he will never marry you, you’ll come crawling back in two years when he’s still dragging his feet etc etc” kind of posts that some people have posted.

[whatmind]

@CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip as I said earlier I do think you have had some harsh responses.

I also think I and most people on this thread have been supportive, we also worry because from an outside perspective you are in a vulnerable position and there seems no real reason for your DP to keep changing things up - which results in more time passing before you can actually get married.

I never really was the girl who imagined a wedding but when it became apparent we were going to marry I did want to do the dress and the nice day - preferably cheaper than we managed in the end - but as I said the day itself was gorgeous in ways I hadn't imagined.

Neither my DH or I wanted a registry office wedding either... but then we didn't and still don't have any children together.

No one is saying get the official wedding done in jeans and scruffy t-shirts, just that it would be objectively a better position legally for you to be in at this moment in your life.

It may seem not ideal/a real wedding in some way but there really is nothing stopping you from making your "real wedding" the big party in 2 years - I really really do understand that for saving that much money you will have to take time to build your fund.

I hope you can understand that I just worry that you will end up like I did, your story is very familiar to me.

Do you think I thought I would end up separated from my husband in any let alone so little time? I certainly didn't.

The problems for us really started to hit home after the wedding was over and that is where I worry you will end up, maybe in two and a bit years, maybe five.

I worry because it seems like your DP is procrastinating for all he is worth and you will realise at some point that you have made a mistake waiting for the wedding that didn't happen when it was supposed to (trust me resentment builds no matter how you try not to let it) or that you went ahead with it when clearly there was something not quite right with your DP's "want" to do it.
Or as in my case, haunted by both.

I worry you will be hurt if it comes out in the wash like it did for me that actually no he didn't want to get married at that time (or ever?) but that he had strung you along and drove you a bit mad in the process all the while saying it was his one goal in life.

I worry you will be hurt if it doesn't come out in the wash, and his behaviour after the wedding - that he's so reluctant to properly commit to of his own free will - will be moody and withdrawn and resentful over time because possibly like my husband he is unable to really express his inner needs and desires.

Please do be careful OP, I really honestly do hope that your situation sounds worse than it is and that you, your DP and children will live a long and happy life together.

Don't blind yourself with love like I did and end up with a broken heart like me, take control of your life and look out for yourself. If your DP loves you as much as he says he will want to do this and action it and continue to action it. If he stalls or changes the goalposts or whatever puts it off again. If you feel like you are the one who is eventually doing all the planning and bringing things up that need doing - cancel it.

Really it's not drastic action if the above happens. I thought it was, and counterproductive at that, but in actual fact if you cancel it because of that scenario and he does nothing you know you did the right thing.
If you cancel and he moves heaven and earth to make it right and pull his weight and show you he really does in fact want to do it with actions rather than words, you have a nicer answer to the internal question his behaviour brings up and caused you to post in the first place.

Think about that, you had cause to ask for unbiased opinions given the facts you gave. You had reason to ask. Your DP's behaviour has given you a wobble for a reason.

Don't gloss over things in your head because for now things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Sure keep optimistic about the fact that he loves you and you will be married in 2 short years, but keep a part of your brain that is above the excitement and love aware that he may start to relax now he thinks he's placated you with the kind of non-proposal - which TBH was weird! Mine was also weird so I'd know ha ha!

I do wish you all the best OP and I hope I am stupidly wrong about all of what I have said. Please do post an "I told you everything would be fine" after the wedding so I can congratulate you and apologise.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Congratulations to you both @CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip . with a 5 week old on your hands and needing to save up It seems quite reasonable to wait a bit. Hope you all have a great day