Help me understand this - proposal

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

DP and I have been together many years and have 3 young DC’s together.
When we first started dating, we had a light hearted chat about weddings, and way back then, I was still romanticising the idea of the ‘big white wedding’. I used to dream of a designer dress and matching shoes, a huge array of guests, just a massive deal made out of it all. DP was never of the same view, and stated he didn’t see the point in wasting so much money on one day, and thought people should just cheaply elope or have a registry office do instead.

As the years past (and DC’s added to our family) I ‘woke up’ and realised that I no longer wanted that big wedding, that marriage itself was way more important to me than the wedding day (as it should be!), and I ended up telling DP about how my views had changed and had become much more, simple, for lack of a better word.

Another year or so went by, with each of us talking about engagements and weddings and marriage (not always prompted by me!), and we still wasn’t engaged and no closer to being so.
One evening, after yet another talk about getting engaged, I was browsing rings online. Found one I fell in love with, and we ordered it.

It then came to light that DP’s views on weddings had changed since we first met. He’s now no longer comfortable with the idea of a registry office wedding or eloping, and instead wants something small with just close friends and family at a little venue close to our home. He wants our DC’s included in the ceremony, a car to arrive in etc - so quite the backtrack on what I’d been told years ago!

Anyway, the ring has now been sitting in our bedroom for four months. I’ve told DP I don’t want a huge deal made out of the proposal, I don’t want the thrills or the surprise (not that I’m going to be surprised in any way, shape or form since we already have the ring!), I don’t want elaborate planning having gone in to it, I just want us to be able to sit down and say ‘yes, we’re committed to each other, we’re now engaged and we’re going to knuckle down and start saving for a small wedding’. Done. That’s all I want and need. But dp has been insistent on doing something ‘proper’ for the proposal - apparently he WANTS to propose and experience the moment of doing it, and not just decide we’re engaged after a conversation.

So, we agreed no money would be put in to the proposal, because I think something lovely and romantic can be done at home, if the romance and that ‘moment’ is what he really wants to experience, he can definitely create that in our lounge (cheap flowers, a nice home cooked dinner, my favourite music playing, ask me to marry him, boom, sorted).
4 months I’ve been waiting (well, 4 months of having the ring, but I’ve actually been waiting years by this point), wondering what he could possibly be planning that couldn’t have happened since the ring arrived in June.

Well, it was my birthday last week. DP got me some amazing gifts which I’m so thankful for, got me a lovely card from the DC’s, but I didn’t receive a card from him. He knows I love to get a card from him, but is notorious for writing them out then misplacing them (he literally has a stack of birthday, Christmas and valentines cards that he never gets round to giving me because he always forgets where they end up 🙄 he also has stacks for his mum and his sister too!) but this morning, whilst sorting through our washing and putting some bits away, I came across an envelope in his sock drawer that appeared to have a birthday card inside, addressed to me. Given his history with cards, I assumed this was yet another card he’d forgotten about, so I opened it.

The card on the front read ‘to my fiancé on your birthday’, inside he’d written a birthday message then at the bottom wrote ‘now it’s official’.

I’m so confused and frankly, quite upset. We’ve had so many talks about engagement and marriage, especially over the last year, he knows I don’t want a fuss made and am more than happy to have a ‘no huge expenditure, no thrills’ proposal and an equally cheap wedding day, so to learn he was going to propose last week at home, likely after we’d got the DC’s to bed (perfect! No fuss!) is like a slap round the face to discover that for some reason, he’s chosen not to do it.

I don’t know what to think or feel.

(Please don’t comment about how precarious my situation is having dc before marriage. I am aware of the ramifications should we ever break up - so I’m not looking to be hounded at from that perspective.)

Just looking to see if anyone can unpick this trail of events and maybe help give me an insight in to what he’s thinking. I do plan on speaking to him at some point about what I’ve found, but wanted to offload on here first!

Thanks!

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

Well, I've got to wait 5 whole days until we can announce it. I think I can manage that given it's something he wants to do and will make my dad happy in the process. Yes it's outdated, but it's just the way some people are!

[30to50FeralHogs]

We're aiming to have everything sorted/saved up for to have an October 2021 wedding


Please don’t wait two years for him to fob you off again.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

Is two years really that long?
The majority of my friends who are now married were engaged for around 18 months - 2 years before their weddings. I assumed that was pretty normal?

[CrystalShark]

Two years isn’t massively unusual, but given you already have a child in your shoes I’d definitely go for a quicker ceremony, even if you just have the legal bit in a few months and then plan a big celebration for later on if that’s important to you. As a woman with a young child, unless you’re planning to return to your job full time pretty quickly I’d be wary of making any decisions that disadvantage you financially or professionally without being legally married. That’s just me though. When we got engaged we were so ready and excited to be married we planned it for ten weeks later, and that felt like ages!

Have to say tho, people are fucking weird. Ask your dad after you've had children together and have been together donkeys years? Mind boggles.

For a lot of people it’s just a sweet gesture if they know the parent will appreciate it, nothing more. We’d been together three years, owned a house, baby on the way, and DH still rang my father and basically gave him a heads up he was going to propose and asked for his blessing. We’re both pretty progressive and knew it wasn’t asking permission of any kind, but as an older guy with one daughter it meant a lot to my dad to have been given a heads up beforehand. He wouldn’t have minded or been bothered if DH hadn’t done that at all though.

[Dyrne]

Aww congratulations OP!

I think the fact that you could have an honest conversation with your DP about this shows how great your relationship is

[Witchinaditch]

It reads to me that he doesn’t want to get married. Sorry OP

[Boireannachlaidir]

Did he ask your dad if it was okay to get you pregnant too?

[Witchinaditch]

Read your update! Congratulations

[Sagradafamiliar]

I thought it would be because he bought the wrong card, fiancé instead of fiancée so hid it.
Congratulations anyway. It's all been a bit arse about tit so phone a venue for in a couple of months, there's no need for more stalling.

[MsTSwift]

If you have discussed getting married have agreed to and have bought a ring then aren’t you engaged? Too weird

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

2 years is ages! Especially since you don't want a big white wedding. We had a medium ivory wedding planned in 5 months and it was amazing.

[IncrediblySadToo]

🎉🥂🍾CONGRATULATIONS!! 🥂🍾

I’m glad you’ve sorted it out.

However, two years? You’re having a laugh. Yes18 months/2years is unusual - when you’re young & have just fallen in love and are ‘starting out’ - but you’re not you have kids, just decide where to have it and book something for the spring for the live of god.

Asking your Dad... I’m in two minds about that these days, but if it’ll make them both happy, why not 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Robin2323]

My friend has just got married after 20 years together:)

[Derbee]

Hope it works out. Based on your OP, I’d be very suspicious of a proposal with a 2 year away wedding! You could get married, and save for the big party. I’d be suspicious it’s another fob off

[category12]

Sorry, Crystalshark, I don't see what's sweet about it. It's an outdated concept for one, but after kids and living together for as long as the OP has, it just seems utterly barmy to me. In your case, it was before your first child and 3 years isn't that long, so that makes slightly more sense to me. Just seems like OP's partner scrabbling round for an excuse if I were to be cynical, which of course, I'm not. Tra la la.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

I wholeheartedly agree that it's outdated, and slightly unusual given the amount of time we've been together plus the fact we have DC's. However, DP knows it's something my dad would respect, and DP wants to do it too. He's going to see my Dad this weekend so to me, it doesn't feel like I'm being fobbed off.

I'm ok with saving up for a wedding. Again, to me 2 years doesn't seem unreasonable, it might be to some you and that's fine, but if it takes us 18 months to put away some cash each month, then so be it.

[Sron]

Asking someone’s father for permission (or even “permission”) to marry another adult is already pretty weird and anachronistic in 2019, but asking someone’s father for permission to marry her when you’ve already had three children with her is way beyond weird.

[Sron]

But best wishes, OP. Be happy.

[jamdhanihash]

Congratulations OP but a 2 year engagement and asking your dad when you're already a family with DCs and you're champing at the bit to be married is weird. As creamjug said earlier, it was all a bit joyless. Still feels like that to me. Hope you can put the joy back into it!

[CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt]

Now we need to see a pic of the ring, they are the rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Boireannachlaidir]

It's all a bit "DP" wants this, "DP" wants that.

Pity that "DP" couldn't do something that you respect and get married and have done with it without all this jumping through hoops, changing goalposts and endless fucking waiting.

But nope, it's all about "DP" doing something your father would respect. Says it all really

[ConfCall]

If you’re confident he’s not stalling, that’s a good update.

[quincejamplease]

You don't feature very much in this as an autonomous human being, do you? Waiting around for years not allowed to have a say in when you marry or being allowed to ask. And then to top it off he does the grim "ask the father to buy his daughter" shtick. You're not an object he's taking possession of.

Congrats on marrying your misogynist though.

[quincejamplease]

Do you make choices about anything significant in your life or does it all get imposed on you?

This thread is just an on going list of things other people are deciding for you. It's depressing.

[Autumn2019]

Congrats OP. I am very happy for you