Help me understand this - proposal

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

DP and I have been together many years and have 3 young DC’s together.
When we first started dating, we had a light hearted chat about weddings, and way back then, I was still romanticising the idea of the ‘big white wedding’. I used to dream of a designer dress and matching shoes, a huge array of guests, just a massive deal made out of it all. DP was never of the same view, and stated he didn’t see the point in wasting so much money on one day, and thought people should just cheaply elope or have a registry office do instead.

As the years past (and DC’s added to our family) I ‘woke up’ and realised that I no longer wanted that big wedding, that marriage itself was way more important to me than the wedding day (as it should be!), and I ended up telling DP about how my views had changed and had become much more, simple, for lack of a better word.

Another year or so went by, with each of us talking about engagements and weddings and marriage (not always prompted by me!), and we still wasn’t engaged and no closer to being so.
One evening, after yet another talk about getting engaged, I was browsing rings online. Found one I fell in love with, and we ordered it.

It then came to light that DP’s views on weddings had changed since we first met. He’s now no longer comfortable with the idea of a registry office wedding or eloping, and instead wants something small with just close friends and family at a little venue close to our home. He wants our DC’s included in the ceremony, a car to arrive in etc - so quite the backtrack on what I’d been told years ago!

Anyway, the ring has now been sitting in our bedroom for four months. I’ve told DP I don’t want a huge deal made out of the proposal, I don’t want the thrills or the surprise (not that I’m going to be surprised in any way, shape or form since we already have the ring!), I don’t want elaborate planning having gone in to it, I just want us to be able to sit down and say ‘yes, we’re committed to each other, we’re now engaged and we’re going to knuckle down and start saving for a small wedding’. Done. That’s all I want and need. But dp has been insistent on doing something ‘proper’ for the proposal - apparently he WANTS to propose and experience the moment of doing it, and not just decide we’re engaged after a conversation.

So, we agreed no money would be put in to the proposal, because I think something lovely and romantic can be done at home, if the romance and that ‘moment’ is what he really wants to experience, he can definitely create that in our lounge (cheap flowers, a nice home cooked dinner, my favourite music playing, ask me to marry him, boom, sorted).
4 months I’ve been waiting (well, 4 months of having the ring, but I’ve actually been waiting years by this point), wondering what he could possibly be planning that couldn’t have happened since the ring arrived in June.

Well, it was my birthday last week. DP got me some amazing gifts which I’m so thankful for, got me a lovely card from the DC’s, but I didn’t receive a card from him. He knows I love to get a card from him, but is notorious for writing them out then misplacing them (he literally has a stack of birthday, Christmas and valentines cards that he never gets round to giving me because he always forgets where they end up 🙄 he also has stacks for his mum and his sister too!) but this morning, whilst sorting through our washing and putting some bits away, I came across an envelope in his sock drawer that appeared to have a birthday card inside, addressed to me. Given his history with cards, I assumed this was yet another card he’d forgotten about, so I opened it.

The card on the front read ‘to my fiancé on your birthday’, inside he’d written a birthday message then at the bottom wrote ‘now it’s official’.

I’m so confused and frankly, quite upset. We’ve had so many talks about engagement and marriage, especially over the last year, he knows I don’t want a fuss made and am more than happy to have a ‘no huge expenditure, no thrills’ proposal and an equally cheap wedding day, so to learn he was going to propose last week at home, likely after we’d got the DC’s to bed (perfect! No fuss!) is like a slap round the face to discover that for some reason, he’s chosen not to do it.

I don’t know what to think or feel.

(Please don’t comment about how precarious my situation is having dc before marriage. I am aware of the ramifications should we ever break up - so I’m not looking to be hounded at from that perspective.)

Just looking to see if anyone can unpick this trail of events and maybe help give me an insight in to what he’s thinking. I do plan on speaking to him at some point about what I’ve found, but wanted to offload on here first!

Thanks!

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

Melissa - we bought it together and both agreed that's how we'd go about it. I don't see the point in an extravagant proposal because we've been together for years and have 3 kids together. It's not like we're in the honeymoon phase anymore. Why can't we just sit down, have a nice little conversation about our future, whip out the ring, put it on, have a kiss then decide on a wedding date? I don't think that's controlling at all if I'm being perfectly honest.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

I was wondering if there was an element of 'don't rock the boat' at play here..

Nope. Still has the ring! In his sock drawer next to the card!

[anothernamejeeves]

But surely after child two you must of thought 'hmm- he's not getting it?'

[anothernamejeeves]

It's a bit Muriels wedding to put the ring on and say 'hey we are engaged'
He seems tepid about the idea at least, more ice cold

[Derbee]

I don’t understand why you don’t propose?

If you want to get married, fair enough.
If you want to propose, fair enough.

It’s not fair to want him to propose, talk about it all the time, choose and buy your own ring, be impatient about why he hasn’t done it yet, open cards that are hidden in drawers etc etc etc. He probably feels a bit smothered, and like he doesn’t have the space or freedom to propose in a way that he feels is right.

Either propose to him, or tell him that you expect a proposal at a time of his choice within X amount of time (if you really need to) and then back off

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

I asked him years ago how he'd feel about me proposing - I'd have no issues doing so, and he told me he categorically does not want me to propose, it has to be him.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

And FWIW, the card wasn't exactly hidden. I do his laundry and the card wasn't exactly buried deep. He knew I'd have found it at some point, and he also knows how I feel about him forgetting to give me cards, so he must have known on sone level that once it was found, I was going to open, particularly as it's only been 6 days since my birthday....

[Aussiebean]

So there is no way that this is his proposal?

[PlasticPatty]

I don't understand all this stuff about when and where and who will propose.

Just ask the fucker when you two are getting married. If he doesn't have an answer, see him off.

The rest is just tat. Absolute tat.

[CreamJug]

OP, honestly, you sound like you’re trying to micro-stage-manage something that, for some reason, despite all your talk about ‘no fuss’, you have built up into a huge and rather joyless-sounding big deal. It all sounds like a business deal where you’ve put all the groundwork in place and now you’re cross because the person you’ve both agreed is the only one who can seal the deal isn’t prioritising it. Only you’re the client as well as the person who’s done all the prep and preliminary discussions!

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Did he agree that his proposal needed to cost nothing, be at home?

I'd hate that; to be honest. Maybe he had an idea of how he wanted to do it, and it doesn't feel right to do it your way...

There does seem to be strong opinions on how a proposal should go and how a wedding should be from you both, perhaps they clash.

If it's not that, then there is no other possibility than that he was going to do it and didn't. You'd have to talk to him to find out why, but given that he seems rather good at saying just enough to keep it going, I'm not sure how much success you'll have.

[30to50FeralHogs]

I think you should pop the card up on the mantelpiece, put the ring on and give him a big smile when he gets home, with a “hey hubby!” and see what he says

Honestly it’s weird, he hasn’t said he’s completely against the idea of marriage and he’s still with you after many years and several children. So why is he dragging his heels this close to the finish line?

He needs to shit or get off the pot, to put it romantically.

[30to50FeralHogs]

OP, honestly, you sound like you’re trying to micro-stage-manage something that, for some reason, despite all your talk about ‘no fuss’, you have built up into a huge and rather joyless-sounding big deal. It all sounds like a business deal where you’ve put all the groundwork in place and now you’re cross because the person you’ve both agreed is the only one who can seal the deal isn’t prioritising it

Creamjug has described the situation perfectly! It does sound joyless, even if he finally does it now, it will be tinged with “why the fuck did he take so long? Why today of all days? Couldn’t he have done it when I was looking at my best rather than sat in my PJs?!” Etc

I think he’s shown that he’s not going to do it in a way that works for you. You’ve given him plenty of time to just get the fuck on with it. Now you have to decide if you want to marry a man who needs to be strong armed into it, or whether you might prefer to keep YOUR options open too.

[Beamur]

Put the ring on and set a date for the wedding.

[WalkofShame]

Who writes stacks if cards but misplaces them?

Me.



Also, what Cream Jug said

[ImAShowPony]

He can't have lost the card. It was in his sock drawer so I imagine he goes in there every day. You saw it, whilst putting laundry in so I can't believe he doesn't know it's there and for some other reason hadn't given the card to you.
I also don't understand this thing about turning the proposal into "The Proposal", as if it has to be some stage managed event. I don't understand how either of you can get any joy out of pretending it's some kind of sursprise when you both know it's coming. He knows the answer in advance- he just doesn't know if he wants to ask the question.

[Servalan]

I agree with CreamJug - it sounds joyless. The manner of how the proposal should be seems to have been analysed and picked over to the enth degree to the point that it's hard to see a way of it happening that you would both be happy with.

For example, had he given you that card on your birthday, it wouldn't have been right because apparently both you and he agree that proposals shouldn't happen on birthdays/Christmas etc.

The fact that you both know the ring was purchased 4 months ago is bonkers.

Perhaps you both need an honest conversation (one that is not full of rules)

[lazylinguist]

I simply don't understand all this pre-arranged, pre-discussed, staged proposal malarkey. A proposal is someone asking to marry you. What on earth is the point of a proposal when, by the sounds of it, it's already been discussed to death and the ring has been bought?

[lazylinguist]

Oh and what CreamJug said.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

He also said he didn't want to put money in to proposal and that there are creative ways of going about it that don't involve money. So I didn't sit him down and say 'don't spend money or else!!!' it was again, a mutual decision.

I can see how it might all now seem micro managed, but I'm just frustrated that he's been saying he wants to propose for the longest time, frequently talks about weddings and marriage, I spoke about going about a wedding in the way he first said he wanted to do it years ago, and was shot down and told he now wants to do it differently. I've said we can simply decide we're engaged now, I've been shot down. I've offered to propose, I've been shot down.

He says he wants to 'experience the moment' so why plan a moment, then not do it!? That's why I'm losing my marbles

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like he bought the card, lost it, isn't that bothered about getting married anyway. The proposal thing is just another stalling technique.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

"We've always, from day one, both agreed that birthday/Christmas/NYE/Valentines proposals were a bit of a cop out in terms of planning"
This.
I think there's been an awful lot of discussion about it and you also said no money spent on proposal, it can be made special at home etc. \there's been too many conditions put on it.. Anyone would find it difficult to think of how to do it under these circumstances because most of the trad ideas have been given a no in advance by you.
Have you thought that maybe he did the card intending to do it on your birthday when it was a bit of a celebration anyway..then remembered what you'd said and bottled out because he remembered your birthday was on the No list? At this stage, what the heck is wrong with a birthday proposal anyway?
He's forgetful and disorganised and this is such a LONG expected event he can't make up his mind the right way to go about it and maybe this has put him off.
Please don't put the card up and the ring on.. this will only make him feel tricked and you will feel that he didn't make the effort and resent him. It just won't work other than to guilt him out and make him feel miserable about the whole thing. Its not the way you want your proposal to be.
Organise a wicked night out, romantic dinner, make sure you both get dressed up. Talk about it Without making obvious hints and genuinely try to make it a nice looked forward to event... not a birthday, not christmas... if he's got a braincell.. he will realise that its the ideal time/place to pop the question.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Sorry crossed post about the money input.. i'd clearly read that wrong.

[Boireannachlaidir]

He keeps moving the goalposts all the time.

Big wedding nope. Registry wedding nope had to be nearby just friends nope to that now it has to be a big proposal.

He's stringing it out. I don't think you want the same things from life, sorry OP. I'd stop trying it sounds exhausting.

[FrogsAreMean]

Surely when you chose the ring and you both agreed on it - when the bloody ring arrived, you should have put it on your finger - voila YOU ARE ENGAGED. Simple