Help me understand this - proposal

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

DP and I have been together many years and have 3 young DC’s together.
When we first started dating, we had a light hearted chat about weddings, and way back then, I was still romanticising the idea of the ‘big white wedding’. I used to dream of a designer dress and matching shoes, a huge array of guests, just a massive deal made out of it all. DP was never of the same view, and stated he didn’t see the point in wasting so much money on one day, and thought people should just cheaply elope or have a registry office do instead.

As the years past (and DC’s added to our family) I ‘woke up’ and realised that I no longer wanted that big wedding, that marriage itself was way more important to me than the wedding day (as it should be!), and I ended up telling DP about how my views had changed and had become much more, simple, for lack of a better word.

Another year or so went by, with each of us talking about engagements and weddings and marriage (not always prompted by me!), and we still wasn’t engaged and no closer to being so.
One evening, after yet another talk about getting engaged, I was browsing rings online. Found one I fell in love with, and we ordered it.

It then came to light that DP’s views on weddings had changed since we first met. He’s now no longer comfortable with the idea of a registry office wedding or eloping, and instead wants something small with just close friends and family at a little venue close to our home. He wants our DC’s included in the ceremony, a car to arrive in etc - so quite the backtrack on what I’d been told years ago!

Anyway, the ring has now been sitting in our bedroom for four months. I’ve told DP I don’t want a huge deal made out of the proposal, I don’t want the thrills or the surprise (not that I’m going to be surprised in any way, shape or form since we already have the ring!), I don’t want elaborate planning having gone in to it, I just want us to be able to sit down and say ‘yes, we’re committed to each other, we’re now engaged and we’re going to knuckle down and start saving for a small wedding’. Done. That’s all I want and need. But dp has been insistent on doing something ‘proper’ for the proposal - apparently he WANTS to propose and experience the moment of doing it, and not just decide we’re engaged after a conversation.

So, we agreed no money would be put in to the proposal, because I think something lovely and romantic can be done at home, if the romance and that ‘moment’ is what he really wants to experience, he can definitely create that in our lounge (cheap flowers, a nice home cooked dinner, my favourite music playing, ask me to marry him, boom, sorted).
4 months I’ve been waiting (well, 4 months of having the ring, but I’ve actually been waiting years by this point), wondering what he could possibly be planning that couldn’t have happened since the ring arrived in June.

Well, it was my birthday last week. DP got me some amazing gifts which I’m so thankful for, got me a lovely card from the DC’s, but I didn’t receive a card from him. He knows I love to get a card from him, but is notorious for writing them out then misplacing them (he literally has a stack of birthday, Christmas and valentines cards that he never gets round to giving me because he always forgets where they end up 🙄 he also has stacks for his mum and his sister too!) but this morning, whilst sorting through our washing and putting some bits away, I came across an envelope in his sock drawer that appeared to have a birthday card inside, addressed to me. Given his history with cards, I assumed this was yet another card he’d forgotten about, so I opened it.

The card on the front read ‘to my fiancé on your birthday’, inside he’d written a birthday message then at the bottom wrote ‘now it’s official’.

I’m so confused and frankly, quite upset. We’ve had so many talks about engagement and marriage, especially over the last year, he knows I don’t want a fuss made and am more than happy to have a ‘no huge expenditure, no thrills’ proposal and an equally cheap wedding day, so to learn he was going to propose last week at home, likely after we’d got the DC’s to bed (perfect! No fuss!) is like a slap round the face to discover that for some reason, he’s chosen not to do it.

I don’t know what to think or feel.

(Please don’t comment about how precarious my situation is having dc before marriage. I am aware of the ramifications should we ever break up - so I’m not looking to be hounded at from that perspective.)

Just looking to see if anyone can unpick this trail of events and maybe help give me an insight in to what he’s thinking. I do plan on speaking to him at some point about what I’ve found, but wanted to offload on here first!

Thanks!

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

I said to him that when the ring arrived I'll just start wearing it, and he said no "I want to propose with it".

It does feel like he keeps moving the goal posts which is again, why I can't understand this birthday card shit. It doesn't make a blind bit of sense.

Also, it isn't just me that thinks holiday/special occasion proposals are a bit naff. The other year, his mum got engaged on Christmas Day and when he told me about it, he was like 'ah, mums just got engaged! On Christmas Day... HOW original' then rolled his eyes.

When my ring arrived, he outright said to me that he won't be doing it on my birthday or any other such occasion as he doesn't want me to be stuck with the '... oh he did it on my birthday!' story.

[CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt]

This does seem a little bit evasive.. I understand how frustrated you must feel. In this situation I would just put the ring on and book a date, and as others have said, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

[PlasticPatty]

Actually, I'm losing patience with him. Why not put all his stuff in bin-liners, topped with the ring and card, and just send him on his way tonight?
Enough is enough.

'On my birthday' isn't a good story? 'I told him 'on his bike'' is a better one.

[popehilarious]

I'm a bit confused as to what you think a proposal is, if it isn't agreeing to get married (and buying a ring etc). Literally asking those 4 words? If so then it's been a MASSIVE build up and fuss about something that would take 2 seconds. I can see why he's second-guessing everything. Basically you both seem to think you're not engaged, but you have agreed to get married, so you just need to have an adult conversation, work out what out is he needs to be able to say those words and just bloody get on with it or work out why it's not happening. Together.

[Autumn2019]

If i was in this situ - I wouldn't take that as a proposal. He hasn't really asked you to marry him (even though in his mind he might think he has) . I would see what he has written in the card as more of a silly statement than a question. A marriage proposal is supposed to be a question not a silly statement. So he has decided that " it's now official" because he has bought you a card saying Fianće in the front. What a strange thing to do! Wonder if he thinks that if he bought a card saying 'Wife' he will be officially married as well. He seems a bit half-hearted about getting married ..I am so sorry you are made to feel like this. After DC have gone to bed i would speak to him about it and tell him that you found a card saying fiance on the front of it but you are confused as he hasn't proposed yet. See what he says. That'll probably confuse him a little bit more! Wonder if a previously broken down marriage has made him lose faith in marriage and he is therefore half-hearted about the whole thing.

[elizalovelace]

Well its no longer your Birthday so why not propose now ? I honestly dont think he really wants to marry you, these are all stalling tactics. Why not tell him you want to start booking and organising your wedding....his reaction to that will tell you what you need to know......be prepared for more stalling...

[NewMe2019]

I really don't understand how there is so much discussion about a proposal . Isn't the idea he 'pops' the question? Far too much planning going on for this.

Ask him outright tonight what he's waiting for given the ridiculous amounts of discussions about this proposal and marriage you've both had but are no nearer to it actually happening.

[Momniscient]

Best to ask him, I think! We can only guess. My OH planned and rethought so many varieties of "my" proposal before settling on the final one. Maybe the card was one idea, he changed his mind, and he's got another plan.

[KurriKawari]

You both sound like hard work.

[Boireannachlaidir]

Fgs I'd have lost patience aeons this whole proposal/ring/wedding bollocks has become such a palaver. You're both adults, you have DC.

Either bloody well get married or don't get married but stop going round in circles and don't let him fob you off anymore. It's all excuses. If he doesn't want to then fine, move on.

[CrystalShark]

People on these threads are so upsetting disingenuous with the whole ‘you agreed to get married and there’s a ring therefore your engaged, congrats! Book the date!’ when OP has made clear her boyfriend does NOT see them as engaged, he would want to propose to be considered engaged. It’d be downright odd at this stage with a boyfriend dragging his feet for years and who has bought a ring months ago but still not proposed to just go off and try get him to marry on a technicality.

If the conversation about marrying was enough there wouldn’t be this angst, they’d have booked a date already. My friend did the whole have a mutual discussion about marriage and voila, engaged, thing. And it was crystal clear to both of them at the end of the talk they WERE engaged as they chose a rough date, started telling everyone, she wore the ring, called one another fiancé/fiancée (tongue in cheek while announcing it being giddy but nonetheless).

[category12]

Bring it out tonight and say "wtf dude?"

[Ohyesiam]

I think we know in our heart of hearts our partner’s intentions.
I think you know deep down that he is a prevaricator who does want to marry you, but needs to understand the consequences of his non action.
You need to shock him into it.

[MiniPrawn]

You need to ask him outright

When he gets home from work you say “I’ve found the card. You have the ring, you wrote this message, so why hasn’t it happened? Either you put the ring on my finger now or I accept the fact we are never getting married and we’ll deal with that next”

Don’t take any bullshit excuse. You’ve ordered the ring and it’s sitting in the draw. Now or never.

[Dyrne]

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I wonder if this proposal has now been built up into such an ‘event’ that he’s second guessing himself about how to do it? Knowing that you’re now expecting a proposal may have made him feel a bit under pressure? He may have seen the card, thought “ah, this will give her a chuckle”; he wrote it out... then remembered that you both thought event proposals were naff and he bottled it?

Or maybe he’s meant to propose this way? He knows he has a habit of losing your cards and that you find them anyway, so he’s done it this way as a cute little in joke? You finding it now can mean he can joke that he technically didn’t propose on your birthday! (I may be overthinking this...)

I do agree though that now if it’s upsetting you the ‘magic’ of any proposal has been ruined really so you should plan to have an open honest discussion with him about how you feel.

[Ginger1982]

I don't understand why after all this time together and 3 kids you can't just ask him about the card and whether it was meant to be his proposal? All this pussy footing around the issue is just pointless.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

UPDATE -

I messaged DP to let him know I'd found the card and knew what was supposed to happen last week on my birthday. I said he needs to explain what on Earth is going on.

He came home, we got the DC's to bed and I heard him go in to his drawer and get out the card and the ring. He came and sat next to me and explained that he was planning on doing it on my birthday, but wanted to do the 'right' and 'traditional' thing of speaking with my Dad first, but because I'd made plans for the weekends leading up to my birthday, he didn't get the chance to nip off and see him.
He said he was basically going to give me the card on my birthday, then as I was reading it, I'd then look up, see him down on one knee, and voila.

Anyway! He's put the ring on my finger, asked the question - I said yes, obvs - we had a lovely chat and he's said we'll announce it to everyone after he goes and sees my dad this weekend because he wants to speak with him first, and what's more, my dad would really appreciate it too - as outdated as that tradition is.

So I needn't have panicked and got my knickers in a twist after all!


Thanks for all your replies

[CrystalShark]

Aww congrats OP!

He sounds a bit disorganised to have left it until to the last minute asking your dad lol, but like his heart’s in the right place. Congratulations on your engagement!

Are you hoping for a long engagement or a short one?

[category12]

I'm glad it's worked out for you.

Have to say tho, people are fucking weird. Ask your dad after you've had children together and have been together donkeys years? Mind boggles.

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

He is a bit disorganised, it's in his nature. But to be fair to him, we had a baby 5 weeks ago so I can massively forgive him for not finding the time to swan off down the pub with my dad and leaving me with a newborn lol.

We're aiming to have everything sorted/saved up for to have an October 2021 wedding! We'll see! I'm happy that the ball is now officially rolling and I'm no longer playing at guesswork!

[CoffeeThroughAnIvDrip]

Yeah, I know category, I don't fully understand it either. But it's something he wants to do, and something I know my dad would appreciate and really respect.

My step sisters now DH asked my dad when he was planning on proposing and it meant the world to him. A while back, my step sister and myself were chatting about my future with DP, and I asked her whether she thinks my dad would be fussed about DP speaking to him when the time comes regarding an engagement - and even she said that she thought it's something my dad would want.

[FritataPatate]

Congratulations
2021 though- that's aaaages! Steer him towards a cheaper, simpler, sooner wedding.

[yellowmelon]

I think people are being harsh here. This doesn't at all mean he doesn't want to marry you, op! Some guys do just drag their feet. The longer the wait, the more the pressure that things are 'perfect' - even though that's pressure he's putting on himself. He would never have bought and wrote a card if he didn't want to marry you. I think an honest conversation is needed - but please don't take some of the unhelpful comments here to heart.

[Boireannachlaidir]

So you're still actually waiting (because of him) to announce it to your family & friends because he wants to ask your dad?

What's you dad got to do with it?

How very odd

[Robin2323]

That's great.
Congrats OP.