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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, controlling exP

115 replies

Annaskies · 05/10/2019 22:54

Please can someone with knowledge on this subject direct me to how and where to get advice?

Have split with dd2's dad and he's giving me absolute hell. I'm realising just how much control he must have had over me because I'm struggling to have any boundaries and am still feeling very manipulated by him and am noticing how nasty he gets when he feels he doesn't have control.

Specifically we've agreed on him having both dd's eow and dd2 one night in week also. However he is constantly asking to collect them other days and this is becoming more difficult as I don't feel able to say no or he gets nasty.

He's also currently bombarding me with messages which if I don't reply he gets nastier and nastier. Day to day he expects me to respond all day to questions mostly about dd. He wants to face time about 3 times a day also.

There's a lot more but this is the basic idea. I just want a break from him and a way to not feel I have to still be in contact all day. Dd2 is 3 and he makes me.feel bad he isn't living with her and that I have to be in constant contact about how she is.

Thank you for any advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Annaskies · 05/10/2019 23:28

Anyone? Please any help is appreciated. How much contact do I have to have and how do I enforce not having to speak to him so much. He's making me so anxious.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2019 23:36

Firstly, well done breaking up with the douchebag!

I'd say speak to woman's aid as they might have some good advice.

You certainly need to do something about this texting nonsense. Is it the oy method he can contact you? If not, make it so. Secondly make it clear you will no longer respond to his texts unless it is about the child and necessary.

If nasty texts continue, take them to the police and report him for harassment. Because that is what it is. If he threatens you in the texts, he can also be done for that.

Its a hard fight but the best defence is a good offence. These sorts take kindness and compromise as weakness, so stop dancing to his tune and use the resources available to help you with that (police, w.a, knowledge of cluster b personality disorders ect). Woman's aid is a good place to start.

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2019 23:37

*only method

user1494670108 · 05/10/2019 23:37

I don't have experience but didn't want you to fee ignored, hard as it is I think you have to agree a level of contact and stick to it. Not only when he sees her but whether you should talk to him at any other time - I suspect not.
I have read on here that it's useful to g
Keep a separate phone/ email address for him only so that you can choose when you read them.
It's all about control, hopefully you can manage him in a way that he loses
Interest soo

Original poster
Annaskies · 05/10/2019 23:41

Thank you @pinkbonbon he could contact through social media but doesn't. I've thought about deleting him but know that he will go mad if I do that.

I've told him so many times that I will only respond to things about the dc, so he either finds things to ask about them all day to try and engage me in back and forth messages or he says things that he knows provoke me and I will feel the need to defend myself or correct what he's saying.

I was so relieved to have finally got out of the relationship but it now feels as though I'm still stuck in a lot of ways.

Will take a look at your suggestions. I always thought women's aid was for domestic violence so will have a look.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annaskies · 05/10/2019 23:44

Thank you @user
I just think if he doesn't get instant responses about dd he will go mad so I feel I have no choice.
When he has her I like to do one call before bed and that's it, and sometimes if she doesn't fancy talking that's fine, a message to say she's fine is enough. But when I have her he is expecting all day contract and its driving me insane.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/10/2019 23:45

Right first of all you need to get yourself a new email account that you will use only for communicating with him. Give him this email address, tell him it’s for discussing the children and that’s the only contact you will respond to from him. Tell him that you are sticking to the agreed contact schedule. Then block him on your phone contacts so he can’t ring or text you. Check the email twice a week- the afternoons before he is due to collect the children and againt just before he is due to come incase he has changed his mind. (The contact that has been agreed- not the extra he keeps asking for) ignore any emails that are abusive or asking for contact outside the agreed times. Any silly stuff asking questions about the children you can respond to in your own time.

FaceTime: I wouldn’t allow it at all tbh. It’s very intrusive and a way of controlling you and keeping an eye on you. He could phone her- not face time- in the evening between dinner and bathtime.

Why is he only having one DD overnight during the week?

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2019 23:47

You are a woman being harassed by an ex partner who is a father to your child. Its still abuse so women's aid would certainly be interested.

I think if it is trivial shit he is asking, don't reply. I know how they train you to feel compelled to reply and try goad you ect...so maybe in future before replying,put the phone down and go do something else for a bit or count to ten whilst breathing slowly n ask yourself - is this some bullshit text that he us just using to control me? And if so, don't reply.

If it us actually something urgent about the child,fine. Otherwise, you don't owe him a response. If he gets nasty - police time.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/10/2019 23:48

I just think if he doesn't get instant responses about dd he will go mad so I feel I have no choice.

So what if he does? You keep your doors and windows locked and if he turns up at your house you call the police immediately. If he goes mad via text- you won’t know because you’ve blocked him- same with social media. If he goes mad by email- ignore it. (But keep all the emails!) if he goes mad during pick up you go back inside, lock the doors and call the police.

CherryBathBomb · 05/10/2019 23:48

I could of wrote this myself! Feels like im in a trap and pretending to be nice to dc's dad just for their sakes. Ill reply properly when I'm home Wine

Raspberrytruffle · 05/10/2019 23:49

Jeez hes an absolute nightmare, tell him he can speak to dd ds at a certain time like before tea and once they are finished talking you will answer any questions he has regarding dd ds. Turn your mobile off or unplug the landline until tea time and tell him that his harassment wont be tolerated and he only has his self to blame due to him harrasing you and he needs to accept you are over.

Original poster
Annaskies · 05/10/2019 23:59

Wow ok so the responses are quite clear that what he is doing is unacceptable. Yet somehow he is making me feel that by me not wanting all this contact I am in the wrong.

@joxer honestly if I do anything close to your suggestion he will go absolutely crazy.

He's saying he wants dd more. I know he wants to see her more but I do feel he is also trying to give me less money as even though we'd agreed eow and one night midweek, when he did child maintenance calculation he based it on 2-3 nights and week instead of 1-2 as he said I was forcing him to only have her 1-2. He's now paying based on the 1-2 he's actually having her but is saying I've sat and figured out how to "extract" the most I can from him. I honestly have no idea what he's talking about, or even how that's possible? He's paying the minimum set for dd2, he doesn't pay for dd1 as he's not her dad, who isn't in the picture.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 06/10/2019 00:01

honestly if I do anything close to your suggestion he will go absolutely crazy.

What will he do?

Original poster
Annaskies · 06/10/2019 00:01

I know if I do any of these he will go mad. He is asking for more contact. I feel we need something more official with regards to the visits but no idea how to arrange this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Annaskies · 06/10/2019 00:02

When things don't go his way he is very nasty and will shout and swear in front of the children which is a main factor in why we are no longer together.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 06/10/2019 00:02

he doesn't pay for dd1 as he's not her dad

Then don’t let her have any contact!! He’s an abuser!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 06/10/2019 00:03

he is very nasty and will shout and swear in front of the children

Then he shouldn’t be having any contact with them.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/10/2019 00:03

Get a second phone to use with him. Ignore all calls and texts unless they come on the EX-phone. Tell him you will respond to texts at a certain time (noon, teatime, etc) and he can speak to DD over the phone for 10 minutes at bedtime, if she wants to talk.

Original poster
Annaskies · 06/10/2019 00:09

@cherrybathbomb sorry you are going through this too. How long has it been going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Annaskies · 06/10/2019 00:12

@joxer I let dd1 see him as she wants to (sometimes) and I don't want her to feel left out.

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Original poster
Annaskies · 06/10/2019 00:15

It's very clear from these responses I need to disentangle from this control he has over me.
@georgiagirl52 I think it would be sensible to do that but I just know it will cause a huge argument and it is a million miles from how things are now. I need a way for him to hear from someone else that I wouldn't be in the wrong for doing that and that actually it's acceptable to have things set up that way. If I suggest it it won't go down well. I'm called a dictator and controlling if I ask what time he's bringing them back when he's got them on one of his extra visits.

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 06/10/2019 00:15

Sorry you are going through this. You might want to get a new phone for your trusted contacts. I told an ex that I would read texts once a day. I left the phone in an out of the way place so I couldn't hear or see it and relished not having it intrude on my day. I didn't read all the texts either.

Original poster
Annaskies · 06/10/2019 00:17

@willowmelangell that sounds like absolute heaven.

OP posts:
MrsTriOskvi · 06/10/2019 00:18

You need to go to mediation to discuss and agree contact between him and dd2 and between him and you. I personally wouldn't be letting him have contact with dc1 at all because of his behaviour. Is there a reason you'd rather him not have more contact with dd2, ie is he a good dad and responsible with her? If he is maybe him having her a little more often then eow would do both him and dd2 good. If he's a good dad of course he has every right to raise her as much as you but his behaviour towards you is unacceptable and if you believe that he is only wanting more contact to either get at you or to pay less and not about wanting to spend time with dd2 in a loving and responsible manner then definitely don't increase contact. Definitely go to mediation though, it helped me and ex sort out our 3 kids and what was acceptable in regards to him contacting me and speaking to them when they are with me. All the best.

CherryBathBomb · 06/10/2019 00:22

Its complicated, we have a 9 year old, then split up for a long time and got back together 3 years ago and now have a 1.5 year old dc. I ended the relationship 2 months ago due to mental abuse and one physical assault which he was found guilty of in court, police are involved but im scared to take it further as i dont want to upset my childrens relationship with him as he will make me out to be the bad one! Its so hard isn't it Thanks

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