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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help, controlling exP

115 replies

Annaskies · 05/10/2019 22:54

Please can someone with knowledge on this subject direct me to how and where to get advice?

Have split with dd2's dad and he's giving me absolute hell. I'm realising just how much control he must have had over me because I'm struggling to have any boundaries and am still feeling very manipulated by him and am noticing how nasty he gets when he feels he doesn't have control.

Specifically we've agreed on him having both dd's eow and dd2 one night in week also. However he is constantly asking to collect them other days and this is becoming more difficult as I don't feel able to say no or he gets nasty.

He's also currently bombarding me with messages which if I don't reply he gets nastier and nastier. Day to day he expects me to respond all day to questions mostly about dd. He wants to face time about 3 times a day also.

There's a lot more but this is the basic idea. I just want a break from him and a way to not feel I have to still be in contact all day. Dd2 is 3 and he makes me.feel bad he isn't living with her and that I have to be in constant contact about how she is.

Thank you for any advice

OP posts:

CodyBurns · 14/10/2019 22:13

Hi @Annaskies - when you say 'I need to respond if he asks about DD' I know it might feel this way, but he is using it as a tool to control you.

He doesn't need to check in with you multiple times a day and (quite literally) know what they had for breakfast. When they are with you that is your parenting time, as long as they are healthy, fed, happy and going about their normal day to day activities - it really isn't something you need to provide a running commentary on.

By demanding constant updates he is using the excuse of 'caring' about your DD to keep tabs on you, keep you at the forefront of his mind and instil the fear that if you don't reply immediately that he will up the ante and try and take your daughter away from you by accusing you of alienating him.

I really hope you can get some kind of schedule worked out because this level of contact is intrusive.

Original poster

Annaskies · 14/10/2019 22:14

@Oblahdeeoblahdah thanks, yes everyone has given me great advice and I don't mean to seem like I'm ignoring it, I just feel it's a slow process for me at the moment. I think you are right though so I will will try to call women's aid tomorrow and see what they suggest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annaskies · 14/10/2019 22:17

@CodyBurns thank you for your response and yes I feel you may be right in that he is just trying to control me. I do know also that he's finding it very difficult being apart from DD2 and really does want to keep checking on her so this will be an adjustment for him. Because we never discussed contact in relation to telephone contact previously there hasn't been anything in place to stick to so I'm hoping that can be achieved this week.

OP posts:

j3mz · 14/10/2019 22:24

I do know also that he's finding it very difficult being apart from DD2 and really does want to keep checking on her

No hes not! Otherwise he would not have pretended he couldn't have her because he hurt himself! The only one hes checking on is you and using your child to do it!

Shessobrave · 15/10/2019 01:37

@Loola6 & @Annaskies PLEASE call NCDV. They are amazing and will arrange for a Non-Mol injunction for your exes within 48hrs free of charge using the Domestic Abuse gateway. This Non-Mol will state that contact must be arranged via the solicitor (again, free to you)

The consequence of them breaching the injunction is immediate arrest and 5 years in prison.

Also @Loola6 please also call Women's Aid. They can find you a space in a Refuge (locations are secret & fully secure as protected by top notch security etc. They'll even pick you up and provide you with EVERYTHING & ANYTHING you need provisions wise. Even clothing, toothbrushes, bedding, food shopping, toys etc

Please take this advice. I've been there and couldn't have done it without either of these agency's help!

Feel free to PM me if you want

Shessobrave · 15/10/2019 01:41

Also, re: the Injunction, they are not called to court or anything. The first they hear of it will be when it's been served to them in person by a Court official

Loola6 · 15/10/2019 06:23

@Shessobrave thanks for your message however I haven’t had a recent incidence of this physical abuse, it was over two years ago...so I don’t think they will be able to help?

DonKeyshot · 15/10/2019 07:26

Also, re: the Injunction, they are not called to court or anything. The first they hear of it will be when it's been served to them in person by a Court official

You've neglected to say that within 28 days or so of an ex parte non-molestation order being granted there will be a full hearing of the matter at which time the recipient of the order will be able to state their case and there's no guarantee that it will be automatically extended, Shessobrave.

In cases where dc are involved and there is dispute over contact, it may be prudent to obtain a residence order so that the police can have the power to return dc to their primary carer if an errant parent fails to do so.

DonKeyshot · 15/10/2019 08:06

Please do not meet with your ex on Wednesday and don't agree to another date/time until you have spoken to a dv counsellor, Annaskies.

Yet again, and as the national number is vastly oversubscribed and it could take a very long time before you get through, click on this link: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and scroll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service.

Alternatively, as I have previously suggested, google your local council/authority to see if they have a domestic abuse unit.

As his antics re the weekend and your night away with friends (how did he know you were going away?) have shown, this isn't about the dc; it's about him wanting to stay in control of you.

The umpteen nightly phone calls/emails etc are his way of making sure that you stay attentive to him and he's trying to ensure you can't give your full attention to anything or, more pertinently, anyone (such as another man).

Well done for seeing his threat to top himself for what it was; when all else failed he resorted to emotional blackmail, no doubt believing that you'd be so overcome with remorse you'd abandon your plans, fall into his arms etc.

Blocking him was the correct response and I hope this courageous act on your part has enabled you to claw back some of your power and strengthened your resolve to bring his constant communications to an end.

Starlight456 · 15/10/2019 08:25

I think you just need to give him enough rope to hang himself. Though I think he is making it all about Dd so making it sound reasonable .

Do look at the freedom program program it will help you understand his behaviour .

If he gets abusive by text report this to the police.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/10/2019 08:42

Let's suppose what you say is true and he is finding it difficult to adjust. Well in that case, multiple daily updates will not help him! You're just putting off the moment when he takes on board that life has changed. Let him be the adult he is and do the emotional work of adjusting. That may involve realising his part in the changes of direction his life has taken. (I really highly doubt he will do this difficult reflection, though.) By continuing to provide the crutch that you are, you are looking after him. That is not how you want your future to be, is it? He needs to find other support. You just do what's best for your DD and for you. Not what's best for him. That's not a consideration any more.

Starlight456 · 15/10/2019 09:45

One of the things about blocking on social media from my experience with abusive ex was it did make me feel freer that I wasn’t giving him a reason to respond so my decisions were simply about what I wanted/ thought best.

Also block restrict his family best mates.

Expect lots of changes of tactics from super nice to vile to get you back in line.

dontdoxmeeither · 15/10/2019 10:01

He's just not rational or going to be rational. You'll go round in absolute circles.

He knew you were going away so faked an injury thinking it would stop you going because he still is DESPERATE to control what you can and can't do.

There's going to be no easy way to do this unless you draw your line in the sand and stick to it. Wish you every luck.

Shessobrave · 15/10/2019 11:08

@Loola6 Doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional! If you need to escape then you need to escape

Loola6 · 15/10/2019 11:46

@Shessobrave thanks for your reply. I am feeling like I would like to try and have a conversation with my husband to tell him I will be leaving and give him the chance to agree on seeing my daughter at the times I specify. If he is not in agreement or takes it badly I will have to involve other parties but I feel like I should at least try and talk to him first. Thanks

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