Please help, controlling exP

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Please can someone with knowledge on this subject direct me to how and where to get advice?

Have split with dd2's dad and he's giving me absolute hell. I'm realising just how much control he must have had over me because I'm struggling to have any boundaries and am still feeling very manipulated by him and am noticing how nasty he gets when he feels he doesn't have control.

Specifically we've agreed on him having both dd's eow and dd2 one night in week also. However he is constantly asking to collect them other days and this is becoming more difficult as I don't feel able to say no or he gets nasty.

He's also currently bombarding me with messages which if I don't reply he gets nastier and nastier. Day to day he expects me to respond all day to questions mostly about dd. He wants to face time about 3 times a day also.

There's a lot more but this is the basic idea. I just want a break from him and a way to not feel I have to still be in contact all day. Dd2 is 3 and he makes me.feel bad he isn't living with her and that I have to be in constant contact about how she is.

Thank you for any advice

Contact women’s Aid immediately, he is abusive and a bully and you are still jumping to his tune. Talk to your dd’s HV and GP, to put on record of the abuse.

I wouldn’t let him have more contact outside what you agreed. Block his number (unblock when necessary)and get a new number yourself. If he turns up swearing etc, call the police. Why are you letting your other DD have contact? He’s an abuser. It’s not about being fair, but shielding her from his abuse. I would also let him take you to court for contact and ask women’s aid to get a residency order for your DD (in case he tries to keep her and won’t return her. This order will mean the police will have to return her to you).

Jokzer's advice is absolutely spot on - just follow that - don't need to do anything else.

Joxer - sorry

@MrsTriOskvi definitely need mediation so I will look into this tomorrow. Whether he's a good dad is complicated, in lots of ways he is and dd2 has a very close bond with him. There have however been drinking problems which is the main reason we split up. He lied on quite a few occasions about drinking while looking after dd2, this was on numerous other splits we had but before he had his own place. So he would stay at a relatives but come and stay at house occasionally with dd2 while I stayed at my mums. He would agree he wouldn't drink but I find out a few times he had been. I have only his word that he isn't drinking now when he has them so I'm not comfortable with him having them more than the 1-2 nights a week. He also now lives over an hour away and dd2 has just started nursery and it seems disruptive to keep driving her back and forth when sometimes the journey in traffic is closer to 2 hours.

@CherryBathBomb well done for getting out. It is so hard and I completely get what you mean about not wanting to rock the boat for the children. I think these men know that we feel that way and use that to their advantage.

@lahlah thank you for the advice I am so clueless about this stuff as have never needed to know about it, so will look into residency order.

Click on this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ scrolll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service and make contact asap. Alternatively, google your local council/authority to see if they have a domestic abuse unit.

Assuming that you didn't marry this abusive twat, is he named on your dd's birth certificate?

I've told him so many times that I will only respond to things about the dc, so he either finds things to ask about them all day to try and engage me in back and forth messages or he says things that he knows provoke me and I will feel the need to defend myself or correct what he's saying

This is the way he grinds you down and the more you respond, the more control he believes he has over you and he won't stop until he gets what he wants - and when/if he gets what he wants he'll come up with a whole set of new demands which are guaranteed to grind you down etc etc rinse & repeat.

As you sound on your knees, I doubt that you'll be able to grey rock him alone as you seem fearful of what he might do if you endeavour to keep him at arm's length.

He's a bully and, ime, the vast majority of bullies are cowards. Keep all of his written communications and don't hesitate to call the police if he kicks off in front of the dc.

Do not allow him to enter your home. All pick ups/drop offs must be on the doorstep or, preferably, done through a third party.

If his behaviour is upsetting your dc, withhold contact and tell him he'll have to regularise contact through the courts.

However, as that may result in him snatching your dd or failing to bring her back after contact, I strongly urge you to talk to a domestic abuse advisor with a view to obtaining a residence order which will enable the police to return your dd to your care if he fails to return her and a non-molestation order which will prohibit him from making contact with you.

Also talk to the advisor about getting the police to have a word with him about his harassment of you as they have the power to put him on notice that, if he continues this behaviour, he may find himself up on a charge.

He should NOT be allowed to bully, intimidate, or otherwise harass you and I hope that, with the help of those who are only too familiar with this behaviour, you'll find the strength to put him in his place.

Please note: in cases where one party is abusive to the other, mediation and other services such as couples counselling is NOT recommended.

Although you can ask for shuttle mediation whereby you will be seated in separate rooms while the mediator goes back and forth, this will not guard you against his angst when entering and leaving the building.

You are best advised to speak to a da counsellor and seek other remedies to stop him in his tracks harassing you before giving consideration to any mediation process.

Never go to mediation with an abusive man. He doesn't want to reach a compromise with you - he wants to control you. Mediation will only be used to his own advantage.

Get your own solicitor for legal matters and see a counselor yourself if you want but never go to joint mediation with men like him.

Thank you @donkeyshot that's a really helpful post.

I can't afford a solicitor. He is pushing for more contact so I thought a mediator would be a good idea as we are unable to discuss anything without it turning into an argument. I just thought that would help as with a third party he won't be able to do his usual tricks of talking over me, shutting me.down and not giving me a chance to respond to what he says.

Unfortunately they tend to be able to wrap the third party around their little finger.

However, it sounds like you need to get this contact thing sorted so maybe worth a try. Maybe see if you can choose the person and let them know first, that he has a tendency to want his way or the highway.

He does appear much nicer around other people of course and most of my friends had no idea how he was at home as he kept it hidden.

He's left me alone today as he's down the pub. Tomorrow will inevitably start the demands for extra contact again so I'm enjoying this bite of peace as I know it can't last.

*bit

Mediation is not cheap and I very much doubt that he'll agree to pay half of the cost. If you do go down that road you will need to find a mediator who is not conflict averse otherwise you'll go round in circles.

If you tell him to apply to the courts for more contact he will first be required to attend mediation and that may be a way of getting him to pay for any sessions.

Do not agree to any contact over and above that which he currently enjoys and state that if he wishes to have more contact it must be conditional on him being subject to regular hair strand tests to monitor his alcohol intake.

There are occasions when you can't afford NOT to have a solicitor. Please make contact with Women's Aid or other domestic abuse service (as above) who will help you stand up to him and protect you and your dc from his harassment/outbursts.

It may be that legal aid is available to pay for the services of a solicitor. If you are on benefits or a low income court fees (currently c£215 per application) can be waived if you are prepared to make your own application(s) to the courts - a da counsellor can help you with the forms and attend the court with you although they won't be allowed to speak on your behalf

Log every call/text/other communication and its content you receive from him and endeavour to record him if possible. Although the courts are unlikely to admit recordings as evidence, they can be used to demonstrate his unreasonableness to others.

Please don't allow yourself to be browbeaten by him any longer as there are ways and means of curbing his bullyboy tactics.

Thank you @DonKeyshot that's all very helpful.

Probably a very stupid question but when you say to keep a log do you just mean on the phone itself or actually make a note of everything?

He's not due to see dd2 until Wednesday so I know that either today or tomorrow he will ask to see her. Can I just say no and that I want to stick to what we have arranged? I know it's going to cause a huge argument. I think him taking her one extra evening for dinner at his mums but not overnight might be a compromise so that he doesn't have to wait as long to see her but isn't haven't to do the long drive when she has nursery.

That's interesting about the hair strand test I didn't know that could be done, I really don't see him agreeing to that. How would I arrange something like that?

yes you can just say no and indeed i think you need to

Where he is texting me roughly every two hours asking how the girls are, how they slept, how they went into school/nursery, how was lunch, how they were coming out of school, how they went to bed etc etc I feel this is excessive. I don't want this level of contact with him can I just say to him the level of contact needs to go down? I just dread saying it as he will kick off but I'm so much relaxed on days like yesterday where he was out so he left me alone.

It is excessive and you can ignore

That's outrageous. Tell him you will check for messages once a day (say at lunchtime) and will contact him if there's an emergency like you had to take a child to A&E. He is trying to control you and it's an unacceptable level of contact. You have to stick to the checking once a day thing and reply at that time only. You have to let him kick off. For the block/mute button on the conversation and unblock/unmute at checking time only. Kicking off is because he knows that he's not in control any more and like a toddler he needs to get used to that fact.

Thank you both.
This is going to be very hard I think. I will have to get the guts to message him this evening saying that's what I will do going forward but I'm not looking forward to the response.

Go see a solicitor for proper advice on this. You do not have to be responding to him 3 times a day! No wonder you split up with him. You do not have to allow him access on the days that are “yours”. I’d suggest you go get the contact schedule legally drawn up. Oh and well done for getting rid of this control freak. Keep going. You’ve almost got your life back

Do not go to one room mediation with an abusive man. I know it's been said before but worth repeating.

OMG delete him off social media, so what if he goes mad! He has no right having any control over you any more. Believe me, I have been there. Agree specific contact days and ignore any other messages. It's hard when the kids are so young as they can't make their own arrangements to see him, but you need to set some boundaries or you will never get him out of your life. Good luck.

OP, you don't need to tell him that you're only going to read his messages once a day.

You can just do it.

Block him, and then just unblock at a time you feel ready/comfortable reading.

Or get a new phone, to which he won't ever have the number.
Stick your old phone in a drawer until you're ready to engage.

You've already done the hardest part!
You can do this!

@donethinkin its much more than 3 times a day usually. I'm only beginning to see how controlling he has been. I had to change all my settings across all social media to no longer state when I was last online or he would start using that to have a go at me saying I must be messaging other men and why hadn't I replied to him etc. I hope you are right, the relief of him not being here is great but it does feel like I will never totally have my life back at the moment.

Everyone saying about the mediation, I always thought that would be a good thing because the third person would stop him being so awful and controlling?

Thank you so much everyone for the support. I have another phone so I'm going to get another sim for that.

Please phone women’s aid, they will help you with this.

2/3 times a day is insane!

You may be entitled to legal aid due to his abusive behaviour. Please give Women’s Aid a call today (you may have to leave a message) so you can get the ball rolling ASAP.

You have got to take control of this situation. He will go and go as long as he can, because he knows you’ll take it. Stop taking it! Give him an email address he can contact you in regards to the children and check it every other day or so. Block his number on your phone.

If he turns up and starts kicking off, you call 999 every time. Do not allow your children to see this horrific behaviour.

You do need to get legal advice as soon as you can, it may be that they suggest stopping contact completely until social services can assess his parenting ability and you can come up with a plan with the help of court. DO NOT go to mediation with this man. He is a abusive and mediation is not an acceptable way to sort out contact with an abusive man.

I have been in a very similar situation, it didn’t get better until I made it better for myself and dd. You have the control here to make this situation better, but you have got to be strong. And you mustn’t back down ever. You’re clearly terrified of this man and his reaction, which is why you have got to get in touch with Women’s Aid and use the police if necessary.