Please help, controlling exP

[Annaskies]

Please can someone with knowledge on this subject direct me to how and where to get advice?

Have split with dd2's dad and he's giving me absolute hell. I'm realising just how much control he must have had over me because I'm struggling to have any boundaries and am still feeling very manipulated by him and am noticing how nasty he gets when he feels he doesn't have control.

Specifically we've agreed on him having both dd's eow and dd2 one night in week also. However he is constantly asking to collect them other days and this is becoming more difficult as I don't feel able to say no or he gets nasty.

He's also currently bombarding me with messages which if I don't reply he gets nastier and nastier. Day to day he expects me to respond all day to questions mostly about dd. He wants to face time about 3 times a day also.

There's a lot more but this is the basic idea. I just want a break from him and a way to not feel I have to still be in contact all day. Dd2 is 3 and he makes me.feel bad he isn't living with her and that I have to be in constant contact about how she is.

Thank you for any advice

@DonKeyshot was this for me or for the OP?

@Loola6, yes, totally. Use that feeling of being trapped in a spiral of inconclusive thoughts as a spur to action. I thought I would have no peace of mind till I'd tried leaving and given it a good six month try. I reasoned that if I then felt it was the wrong decision and he wanted to try again, then we could. In truth, once I had physical and mental distance from him, I never looked back.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas you give me hope. Thank-you for sharing. Is it much brighter on the other side of this?? I really can’t wait to be there xx

It's for the OP, Loola, but feel free to take anything from it that you feel is applicable to your situation.

I'll post again on your thread tomorrow (later today).

So I couldn’t handle anymore and walked out today for the weekend with my daughter. Messaged him when got here and said that I’d had to get away to clear my head, instead of being concerned if I was ok I just got a tonne of messages about how dangerous it was leaving without telling him, then guilt tripping about taking my daughter away and then that he had got me another gift, (3 in a week!) and it is so unbelievable because the gift is an album of photos and keepsakes from our wedding... what the actual fu••!!!

Now I’m feeling guilty and like I’ve massively over exaggerated again what he’s done ... my head is screwed!

Contact women’s aid. They can give you advice and support.

Erm this is abuse! My abusive ex did this when I broke up with him . He's still controlling your life . The going mad when I ask what time has bringing the kids back is so you don't do anything with your free time you have to be in waiting.
He's also projecting . Please don't delete any messages when your strong enough to go to the police you will need them! I was manipulated into deleting them and then the rage came back out in him once he got me to delete them.
I was left with no choice but to flee (hate that word but that's what I had to do) I was stuck in that cycle of doing what he said or bad things would happen and bad things did happen . Best thing I did I got to breath again and the courts decided when he could see his child .

Loola, do you have your own thread? Sounds like you could do with the support. I hope you're feeling better now and getting some space.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas yes I have a thread, actually two: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3708948-Was-there-a-final-straw-to-make-you-leave?msgid=90635519#90635519

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
And this one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3711382-How-did-you-end-marriage-and-following-steps?msgid=90731807#90731807

I’m actually pretty sure after reading up on it my husband is a narcissist. Sounds like I need to plan escape carefully...

@Annaskies How are things? How did your ex react?

Thank you all so much for your ongoing advice. I need to go through and respond to people but have been reading and taking in the messages.

Have had a difficult end of last week and start to the weekend. I had a weekend away planned and he was due to have DD2 but injured himself Thursday and said he could no longer drive with this injury.

Initially my mum offered to drive DD2 to him Saturday and collect her on Sunday but this was way too much driving and and she has a lot of other things going on at the moment so she offered to look after DD2 with DD1 as well. Friday morning he had said it was physically impossible to drive and he could barely walk so Friday afternoon I informed him that my mum would take care of the DDS he then got very angry with me and said he could drive, it was fine, it was safe and he would come and get DD2. I said no it's definitely not safe if you said you physically could not drive only a matter of hours before. This led him to shouting and swearing down the phone at me so I hung up. I tried to speak to him later with my mum's support listening and he was just not being rational, he said that I was trying to stop him seeing dd2 and that I was trying to get revenge on him and to cause him pain and just get at him. He said I was clearly going on a secret weekend away ( I obviously wasn't and it was a night away with some friends) he then went on to say I was giving him so much stress he felt he would top himself. I have no doubt that this was only an emotional blackmail threat and so I hung up up and blocked him on absolutely everything.

Since getting back yesterday evening he has messaged me from a different phone asking me to unblock him so that he could contact me about DD. Then messaged this morning and asked to FaceTime DD which he did, but then continue trying to message me after. He then messaged after school asking how they were. And then again sending messages at bedtime.

I've agreed to meet him Wednesday somewhere public to discuss contact and try to come to some agreement. I'm really not sure how this will go go but willing to try once and only once.

I will be explaining to him he can do one call a day at a set time and that that I won't be responding to other messages throughout the day. I will unblock his number at the time of the call a set time each day. We can email each other and update once a week maybe with general information.

@loola6 definitely a narcissist like mine is as well. Your description of the uncertainty and going back and forth changing your mind is how I lived for almost 3 years. We split up numerous times and every time I was guilted back into taking him back he promised me he will change everything every time. Everytime I was one last chance and he knew he had messed up and he knew he would be better. And every time he came back the nice period was shorter. I don't know why I was strong enough this time to stick with it I think I realised finally that he was never going to change. You really must break the cycle you are very much stuck in the cycle I was in. It's not plain sailing one splitting and this is very difficult however it's like a weight is lifted him not being here, I'm so much less anxious now any more relaxed every evening. How are things today for you?

Have you spoken to Women's aid? After an 8 year abusive relationship I finally ended it with my partner, I then went through another year where the abuse continued via the kids and contact. It escalated too as he was so mad at me for ending it. I finally contacted women's aid and their advice was fantastic. I grey rocked him (no contact at all!) and he then took me to court for contact with the kids. That was really tough but I had enough evidence to prove some of the abuse to me and the kids. I went through the Freedom programme via Women's aid which helped massively. I'm still struggling, he still trying to control me through contact but I have managed to minimise contact between us. I set up a new email address just for him and got a new phone so I could answer messages in my own time so I wasn't overwhelmed and bombarded by them. I also don't see him as a third party does pick up and drop offs. It will be tough as you've been conditioned that this is what you need to do. I used to bend over backwards for my ex and let him see the kids whenever he wanted but that still wasn't enough. Xxx

OP, I can see that you are still having some issues enforcing your boundaries with this man. This is not uncommon (I myself had the same issue when I broke things off with an abusive ex). His repeated harassment of you is quite concerning, but I'm worried that you might be encouraging him to continue bombarding you by 'giving in' to his requests for contact - especially when you have specifically asked him not to contact you.

This is not a criticism, only an observation and these men can be very manipulative indeed. It seems pretty obvious that he sees his 'right' to contact with DD predominantly as a way of keeping tabs on you. You must not let him have this power over you and it is possible for him to have access/contact and keep him at a distance.

What helped in my situation was a very clear schedule of days/times that DC could speak to ex-H (otherwise he would bombard us all day and make ridiculous demands). I also made it so that the phone calls/Facetime was not from my own device but from a separate device like a laptop or tablet via Skype. That way you can enforce email contact for information relating to the children only and they can still have contact with your ex but without him having access to you by phone so he can harass you.

I haven't spoken to women's Aid yet no as I've been trying to summon up the courage and feel a little unsure what to say or where to begin.

It's really difficult trying to get through to him that me not wanting to keep being in contact with him is not the same as me stopping him seeing or having contact with DD2,who is only 3 and therefore his messages clearly aren't being read or responded to by her.

He really doesn't seem to understand or be accepting of me not wanting to be in communication with him the way that he wants.

Yes @codyBurns I'm probably not helping the situation each time I give in, but he just does make me feel guilty and like I need to respond if his message is about DD.

That's what I'm hoping to get set in place on Wednesday, a set schedule of contact times and methods as I will then feel able to stick to/enforce these.

He said he hurt himself because he knew you had plans and wanted to out a stop to it (my ex was the same again) same as the stopping him seeing his child BS and the let's talk about the child.

Please don't go and meet him alone ,somewhere public is not enough.
I never thought my ex would hurt me physically until he used that line on me and I went to meet him in public and he beat me up he didn't want to talk about our child he just wanted to control me and when I wouldn't agree he got violent . I had my keys in my hand as I was trying to defend myself (as he kept shouting at passers by to stay out of it or he'll.... ) and it caught him on his eye and he told the police I tried to stab him in the eye.

Just please don't go alone he is already using the kids to speak to you now hes using them to see you face to face because he is not getting anywhere with messages.

@Annaskies thanks for your reply, bloody narcissists! I’ve just found out he was also aggressive to an ex and she pressed charges but later dropped them due to being advised to as he was playing the ‘mr charming/perfect’ act...
I think the only way to get out is for me to find somewhere to rent and move everything while he’s at work and tell him once gone...has anyone else done this? I’m just scared of what he might do when finds out but also I don’t want to completely stop access to my daughter but I also wouldn’t trust him to bring her back so what do I do?

@Annaskies can you get courts involved RE keeping him away?

Why do you think meeting in person will work better than discussing this by email? Over email, it is much easier to (1) ignore anything irrelevant that he tries to bring up and (2) take time to think without being under pressure to reply.

Seems him a message saying you've changed your mind and would like to come to an arrangement by email. It has the added benefit that you'll have written evidence that you are trying to facilitate a relationship between him and his DD, not block him if he tries to suggest that to, say, the courts.

It's really difficult trying to get through to him

He really doesn't seem to understand

When did he ever listen to you or take you seriously or treat you as a reasonable adult? Did he? Stop expecting it. Let him react however he wants, but not in your space!

I've not had direct experience of this kind of behaviour but I feel you are receiving some very helpful advice OP. I, too am concerned about you meeting him. Please call WA and let them advise you. He's obviously still trying to control you by his behaviour when he knew you were going away for the weekend. It's totally understandable that you feel the way you do after years of his behaviour and I'm confident that WA will have heard all this before and will give you good advice.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I just think there is too much to discuss at the moment for it to be on email and there will be too much going back and forth. I would prefer to try and get it all sorted in one meeting with him. I do understand this may not work of course given our track record with failed communication. I would rather meet him somewhere in the daytime, busy, in public than talk on the phone so that he can't shout etc