Please help, controlling exP

[Annaskies]

Please can someone with knowledge on this subject direct me to how and where to get advice?

Have split with dd2's dad and he's giving me absolute hell. I'm realising just how much control he must have had over me because I'm struggling to have any boundaries and am still feeling very manipulated by him and am noticing how nasty he gets when he feels he doesn't have control.

Specifically we've agreed on him having both dd's eow and dd2 one night in week also. However he is constantly asking to collect them other days and this is becoming more difficult as I don't feel able to say no or he gets nasty.

He's also currently bombarding me with messages which if I don't reply he gets nastier and nastier. Day to day he expects me to respond all day to questions mostly about dd. He wants to face time about 3 times a day also.

There's a lot more but this is the basic idea. I just want a break from him and a way to not feel I have to still be in contact all day. Dd2 is 3 and he makes me.feel bad he isn't living with her and that I have to be in constant contact about how she is.

Thank you for any advice

The role of a mediator is to encourage both sides to come to an agreement. The mediator should does not take sides and they're not there to referee a bun fight.

As I've said, mediation is not recommended where one party is abusive to the other. Abusers can be charming. Some, but by no means all, mediators can be manipulated and, to put it bluntly, you may feel as if you are being pressured by 2 people to agree to terms that are unreasonable or inconvenient to you.

You don't need to arrange a hair test. In the event that he takes you to court in order to increase the amount of contact he has with your dc, you can raise your concern that he drinks excessively and ask that he be subject to regular hair strand tests.

When suggesting that you keep a log, I had it in mind that you should keep a written diary/chronicle listing all of the calls/text/emails you receive from him with brief note of their time and content. Screenshot any attempt he makes to contact you via social media.

Amazon do cheap old style nokias for around £15, buy a PAYG sim card and tell him your phone number has changed.

Put the phone in a drawer and check it once a day AT MOST.

he will go mad if I do that

Let him.

Call the police if you feel threatened.

If he 'goes mad' don't respond, he needs to learn that 'going mad' doesn't get him anywhere

I always thought that would be a good thing because the third person would stop him being so awful and controlling?

I had always thought that too. I went into shuttle mediation and they were very good at protecting me from meeting him on the way in/ out. However this still happened

may feel as if you are being pressured by 2 people

but at least I could react in private which gave me time to think and answer and hold my ground. There was no sense of empathy from him at all and the mediator was just repeating what he said a lot of the time. He definitely was trying to control/threaten me through this. In the same room would have been awful.

Thank you all I'm finding it so helpful to read your responses, I'm having to read and re read to help them sink in as I feel so far from strong and unable to face a battle with him.

I don't think I can be as drastic as blocking him and only allowing email. I'm just trying to keep the contact limited but he is annoyed with me this evening as he spoke to dds between dinner and bedtime, but he then messages me at around 8-8.30 asking how the bedtime went. So tonight I just said dds are fine, I would contact you if they weren't but you can't text me every evening asking how bedtime was. He's messaging me now asking why I'm so cold and telling me how awful it is sitting there wondering how they are and that I wouldn't know as I never have to worry about that.

Normally I would feel the need to respond and explain but I'm ignoring them. I don't think he will stop though.

After a certain time, mute his number and don’t respond.

Yes I've muted notifications. But it means if I go into whatsapp to reply to other messages he will see that I'm online and will be pissed off no doubt. I do realise how ridiculous this all sounds and I've clearly been walking around on eggshells so long to avoid setting him off.

My exH does this when he has been drinking. He sends progressively nastier texts.... i ignore them. I feel sick and shaky when the phone beeps and i know its him. But, he cant climb through the phone and come to get me.

Messaging you endlessly every night is ridiculous. Stop replying to him.

Is there someone you would trust to check his messages once or twice and let you know anything you need to know in them, while shielding you from the rest?

You have split up with him. He has no right to dominate your day, but you will never get him to agree with that, and if you're honest with yourself, you know that. My XH used to appear to listen to third parties, but the moment they were out of earshot it was as though the conversation never happened. Or their words were twisted for his ends...

Anyway, I don't think my XH was anywhere near as bad as this man you're dealing with, and yet I needed days at a time without contact with him in order for the anxiety to subside.

Give yourself what you need. You need a life away from this man. Follow the advice on this thread. The fact it sounds scary shows how necessary it is!

@funnylittlefloozie yes that is exactly the feeling. Sitting and feeling on edge waiting for the next beep. I've muted him now so that's not happening any more but I still can't fully relax as I know there's probably messages in there.

@Charlotte that is how it is, the longer since I've had to see or speak to him the anxiety goes away but it's just hanging over my head every day at the moment.

@Annaskies

Please call WA, they will help you.

The fact that you say you can’t block him etc and if he sees that you’ve been online and gets angry is VERY controlling and you are trying to appease him.

What you do will never be enough. You need to take back control and get help in doing this.

You are still being abused and inadvertently so are your children.

"you're clearly feeling upset and I will engage with you when you are less upset as we are not communicating effectively"
"I won't respond to abuse"
"If you threaten me I will contact the police"

Repeat. Nothing else. Contact police if he threatens you. You do not owe him an audience

It's how you've been conditioned to react. You think about how he's thinking, what he's doing, how he's reacting to you - all the time. It takes time to retrain yourself. You have to keep telling yourself: it doesn't matter what he thinks of me. What I am doing is in the best interests of my children and of me. Keep telling yourself that, keep on ignoring, stick to agreed contact only, and gradually you'll feel the effect.

But since you're scared of him, talk to WA asap, as suggested above. Get all the support you can from them, emotional and practical.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I have just been signposted to this thread and just read your message above and it is really true for me too...my husband has made me conditioned to think about him, how he will respond, how he will feel and generally all about him. I want to leave him due to a number of reasons relating to controlling and abusve behaviours and all I'm worrying about is how he will respond and feel....and feeling guilty and as if perhaps I am making a mountain out of a molehill....it's so bloody hard!

It is hard, but so freeing! I found, once I'd talked it all over on here a bit, the idea that I could stop this huge effort that my marriage had always been, be enough in myself, hugely liberating. I really felt 15 years younger, kept feeling I was straight out of uni, back in time - it was weird, but I was remembering me, I think, before I got suppressed and hidden.

That was after I left, though. I know it was a big struggle before I left, but six years on, I remember the moments of coming alive again most vividly.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas and @Loola6 its so true about being conditioned by him as that's what they do when they only see things their way. My exP knows all the things he's done and has had periods of wallowing saying it's all his fault he knows and I'm the best person he ever had, but when I'm trying to get through this situation and feel better he acts like he doesn't know why I'm doing this and that I'm nasty for not wanting to talk to him it's such a headfuck.

He has dd2 tonight so he messaged me saying she didn't eat much dinner. I ignored him even though I felt awful as felt I was ignoring her. He then messaged saying she can't get to sleep and is now asking why I've gone cold, why I'm not interested in discussing our child, how I can be like this etc. I just want him to leave me alone.

@loola6 there's some really good advice from the posters on here, I hope you find it helpful too and I hope you can get out of your situation. My exP was always saying I made a mountain out of a molehill and overreacted and now that I'm starting toto process it all I realise just how much I under reacted in fact and just how bad some of it was and I feel awful that I lived like that scared to say what I really thought all the time and living with that shit.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas that's good to hear. I'm having little moments of feeling a bit more myself. Just more relaxed with dds singing and dancing with them and am looking forward to seeing my friends more and trying to feel even more myself.

You have to learn how to ignore him, I know harder said than done.
I would send one message stating you will reply/contact him when you have something to say.
You will not be responding to his constant texts as he is your ex now.
Let him go mad he's not your concern anymore.
When you do respond to him if he has mentioned anything not to do with dc, tell him it's not your problem.

He doesn't want to discuss your child - he wants to know your attention is on him! Nice negative comments about DD, too, just calculated either to make you worry she's not happy there or to make you feel you should reassure him maybe.

You are totally right to ignore. She's with him, so presumably you trust him to have some basic parenting skills. Discussion of the minutiae is so not necessary. And relaxing in your child-free time is very necessary!

None of this is about your kids, it's about him still controlling you. Don't reply to any of his messages and block him on WhatsApp. If he carries on the block him on everything and get a cheap phone that you will only switch on at a certain time of day. You are under no obligation to speak to him every day even when you have the kids. Tell him that you will contact him if something comes up and that's it.

I have to just add, it was only when I discovered Mumsnet fairly recently that I found the strength to do exactly what everyone is advising you to do. I was divorced for over 8 years before I realised that I didn't need to have an ongoing dialogue with the ex. I went no contact over a month ago and I honestly should have done it years ago.

Also I can't believe there are so many ex husbands who are like this - what is wrong with these men!

My advice would be to just grey rock rather than sending a text explaining that you won't be answering etc. I wonder if that's the kind of response he is trying to provoke, so that later he can use it to accuse you of something exaggerated and hurtful.

I would answer with 'thanks for letting me know. If you think they need me to collect them please say.' repeating as necessary ....but that's just my situation ( eg I am in a good position to pick up), yours might be different.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas @Annaskies
Thanks so much for your messages and support. I'm feeling really anxious and exhausted today and like I don't know whether I should end things even though last night I felt like i 100% should....this keeps happening and I almost feel like I've got a split personality where one day I'm really clear on what I'm doing and the next I'm thinking I'm overeacting and how can I split my family apart....did you guys have this before you made the break? It's exhausting but I'm almost too anxious/frozen to take any action...

I posted this on p2 and am repeating the info in case you failed to notice it.

Click on this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ scrolll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service and make contact asap. Alternatively, google your local council/authority to see if they have a domestic abuse unit.

Please make contact today. You can't live with this level of harassment without it having an adverse affect on your dc as they'll pick up on your stress/tension.

If he kicks off to a point a point where you feel threatened call 999 and let the police deal with him, If he should turn up at any time and you have reason to believe he's been drinking and driving, call the police - even if his car is stationary when they turn up, if he's over the limit he could be charged with an offence under the Road Traffic Act.

There's no need for you to put up with this when the help you need is just a phone call away - make that call today and start regaining your life and liberty.