So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

It is awful hearing you defend him and scrape at every excuse in the book.
Tough love from me, believe me many of us have been there, he's keeping you at bay.
He's telling you he will call because he's worn out trying to tell you it's over.
Accept it with dignity.
I expect to get persecuted for my straight talking but he's not there anymore.
Sorry.

Thanks all😞

Awwwww @rhubarb39 I’ve read but not commented. I’m so sorry it’s turned out this way though I feared it might

You sound lovely & it is very much his loss sweetheart. Now though you have to absolutely look after you - get rid of whatever stuff of his you have, all outside in a binliner & tell him he can pick it up within a timeframe or it’s going into the bin. You have to go no contact for your own sanity xx

You do what you feel is right.

Looks like he's had a taste of 'his own space' and is liking it in combination with not having to explain himself at all. Funny how men can be completely besotted with us when everything is going their way, and then have to go off 'into their cave' once life gets harder, isn't it?

Oh OP. He doesn’t deserve you 😕

I think you should make this day your first day, your day, to start on you and your life.
Whatever the reasons he said he wanted to try and now hasn't are the same reasons/thoughts he had on your trip.

You heard him out. Totally get why you had to.

Take control op, for your own sake. You can do this. X

Thanks all. Zapho yes that's exactly it, retreat back to where he just doesn't need to bother.
I've realised some of the stuff he said on the phone was so open ended and didn't really mean what I hoped it would mean.. Yet I don't understand when I said to him that we could be done and that would be it that he didn't say no? What's he getting out of it? Then I get a message last night saying he loves me..nothing today which isn't how we've ever been..im.not chasing.. I've done my bit.. Its proper head messing and I'm not up for that.

He’s not done punishing you. How much are you going to tolerate? He’ll keep you dangling for as long as you let him.

OP, I'm very sorry for your heartbreak, but I must say I find your and his way of communicating incredibly weird and frustrating. All this guessing, not quite saying things, game playing, waiting for the other one to get in touch, sitting together in silence, not chasing, thinking about an answer for days, etc. after THREE fucking years. Personally, I couldn't live like that and think it's very childish.

This is not a situation where you don't want to seem to keen after a couple of dates. You've been together for a fairly long time, you love him and however it ends, wouldn't you want to have certainty and say your piece either way?

If it was me I would have to ask what was going on with the mixed messages. I love you one minute, then zero effort and no contact the next, how ridiculous. I would tell him that he either makes a proper effort to get the relationship back on track and shows you that he does love and value you or he can fuck off and play mind games with someone else.You've decided to 'not chase' but are still torturing yourself staring at your phone and wondering 'what if'. Like last week, you'll probably end up getting in touch after a few days and it all starts again.

Purbeck no you're exactly right, it's a shit way to sort things out.. Very playground. I'll be honest and say on holiday I totally froze due to sheer panic and equally spoke minimally.. Not great but at the time and all that.
I kmow how he works and it isn't unusual for teb quietness.. I guess after all this it doesn't bounce back at the click of a finger but even still.
I'm not chasing.

What do you mean you're not chasing? It sounds like you are just waiting for him to come to you still, after everything... for what?

The only reason you have even spoken at all this week is because you've contacted him. He sounds like a coward for not saying directly how he feels... but his actions say it all. He's no longer wanting this relationship!

Rain I mean I did what I said I was going to and listen to him. I was shocked he wanted to try again, I won't lie I was pleased.. But its clear its all what he wants and that's not good enough.. Like I said no more chasing.. Thats what I did.

It’s pretty clear to me he was open ended & wants to keep you guessing & hanging on the back foot because he wants the sex & caring aspects of being in a relationship with you, but NOT the promise of future commitment. He is a professional bachelor. He will have done this in some form in many previous relationships where women either wanted to be exclusive, move in, meet their mum, whatever. He will have dug in his heels with every other woman. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has an expiry date in his head. Like he would be happy to drag it on for another year or two, or indefinitely providing you stop stressing him with your needs & wants. It’s all about him. You are such an empathetic soul who is all focused on him. He hasn’t spent a fraction of that time thinking & caring about you. All the work in the relationship was YOU and if you run a lot of what he has said back, in time you will see he was manipulating, lying by omission or just nodding in agreement to get you to shut up about moving in & to just keep his sex & caring tap on. He is a piece of shit OP.

I think you are like me & have a view that love hurts. The older I get realise it’s not. Hurting & pain is not meant to signify love.

I remember the cover illustrations from paperback romances of the 1960s/70s. The woman in the front of the pic, looking sad and puzzled, the man in the background staring broodingly into the distance......

This is what I see in my head reading your updates rhubarb, the woman managing her man's sensitive dispostion, honouring his need for space..... ready to fly into his arms when he gives the signal.......

See he wants no expectations of how to be, to msg you at X time, see you on Y day. I would honestly not be surprised if this guy is not conducting another relationship or dating other women / hookups etc. He is behaving this way so you will scale back on any expectations of commitment from him. This is all he can give you, he isn’t capable of more. At least not with you, he is obviously a George waiting for his AMAL but hopefully he will end up old & lonely

I have to say I agree with Raindrops, he hasn't made any effort to contact you or get back together, you were quite gutted about it last week. It's all you doing the running. He didn't even speak to you about it until a time that suited him, he didn't answer your call. It's all about him, and like it or not, you are doing all the work. You're the only one that thinks you're thinking about getting back together. The rest of us, including him, know where it's going. Now you're even starting to blame yourself, saying you were as bad as him on holiday for not communicating. Be very wary.

OP please visit Chump Lady she will help you. She has helped countless women in this position. She will explain everything & help empower you. Heartbreak is the worst. Be kind to yourself xox

Give yourself as much compassion as you have given him. Because you deserve it a hell of a lot more than he does

So...after breaking up with you and ruining the holiday and hurting you a lot, he'd like to try again?

What exactly is he doing and saying to win you back?
Is he staying in touch,texting and phoning?
has he apologised with a bunch of flowers perhaps?
has he asked you out for dinner to chat?
Has he offered to cook you a meal?
Has be popped over with a bottle of your favourite wine?

Well? How hard is he working to fix this mistake he made?

No because he doesn’t want to be on the back foot of having to be the one to “make up” anything to OP. He doesn’t want to owe her anything, or have her make expectations of him.

@rhubarb39 I can only speak from my experience with my boyfriend half heartedly wanting to try again a few weeks back. Despite him splitting with me, when he wanted to try again I had to explicitly tell him I expected effort in the form of texts until we had the chance to further talk. He said he thought I’d want space, I just think it was the fact that he still deep down wasn’t sure about what he wanted.

He absolutely should be making the effort. Don’t sit in limbo, if you aren’t going to just call time on him be straightforward and tell him this is not what you expect from an attempt at trying again and ask if he is sure this is what he wants because you aren’t feeling that it is.

Are you going to end it then Rhubarb39

As others have said you will feel better by being in control and you can start your recovery.

Something I've learned through similar relationships and counselling is that sometimes people just aren't compatible with regards to communication and resolving disagreements. All the rest of it aside (because I do think he's freezing you out to ensure you don't give him any 'hassle' in future) it's okay to look at a relationship and think, "That had some great parts, but other parts didn't work and those parts are really important, too."

An ex of mine who I mentioned above used sulking as a form of communication. It's what he learned as a child and he genuinely struggled to speak openly if something was bothering him. It meant all the communication was on me. It once took him a whole month to tell me what was wrong and I should have walked away long before that point. It wasn't done maliciously then but he learned that it worked with me and so he kept on doing it.

Thanks all. You're right.. Not enough effort. For who said (sorry no name) that their partner thought they wanted space.. He would say the same. What happened with you in the end?
He feels punished by me and I can't change that, all I've ever done is want answers and I've been strung along (he will disagree as in his head he knows what's going on) even on holiday he messaged me saying 'you're giving me grief' so the lights finally shone. I get it. The sad part is we were a great couple but you can't change people.

You were a great couple when it was all on his terms.

Are you going to actually finish it? Or more waiting?