So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

Hi all.. Sorry for the delayed reply.
Zapho your responce rings so true with me.. Apologies for not mentioning anyone else, my brain is frazzled.
OK ill try not to go on..
Yes he's met my dd and friends.. They all love him and think he's the best thing I've had in my life for a long time.. Because he's made me so happy.
To shorten a long winded explanation of him he's a bachelor.. Has had 1 relationship and aside from that has lived alone. He loves his space and time in his own, he's an introvert.. I'm an extrovert, but the way we see each other I feel worked. There was no issues aside from the moving convo which I'll admit I was hard work on (I have huge abandonment/trust issues) yet I trust him 110% so it was the fact he was backtracking but in fact it was because the logistics were and are v hard to sort.. Aside from that a pretty perfect relationship.
He's been a rock to me, has never let me down, is funny caring and considerate...i can't fault him.
The holiday issue was yes awful, I felt like I was losing him.. In fact now I'm back I think he was just saying he was not happy with some bits and I panicked. We did talk, it got resolved.. I then threw it back because I was hurting and it's all gone tits up.
Yes he ignored me.. I did exactly the same, our communication skills are dire and its not the first time we've ignored each other. Being on holiday amplified the stress.
He's awful at stress, doesn't deal well with it, hates upset.. Backs off.. Does it with everyone.. Not good.
BUT that aside yes you're all right
He never checked in with me when back
He never messaged ANYTHING
He hadn't answered my message or call and let me down last night when he could have sent a 2 second message.
Basically any negative like that I may say to him he won't deal with, he won't be able to see his actions and if he can he will simply apologise and brush it under the carpet, I'm not like that which he well knows hence the awful holiday scenario.
SO
I haven't read or replied to his message..i don't even now if I'll answer his call.. I feel so very torn at the fact he's an amazing person fee down, just doesn't have the right skills to be in a relationship

I think you're seeing what happened on holiday with rose coloured glasses because that's not how it came over as you were telling us about it. It really doesn't sound like he wants to be with you any more. That's horrible and really hard to take but you are prolonging the agony.

Well summarised Cator

In my experience if someone wants to be with me, they will be. If they want chat on the phone they will
I may be wrong but I've read the thread through and what jumps out over and over is your insistence that he's such a good all round decent bloke. To me he just sounds spineless. The minute you asked for clarification he's stone walled you. That's not a decent bloke

Op I mean this in the nicest possible way, the relationship is over. Don't look for help at the feet of someone who broke you.

Send him his things. Don't answer the call (if he even does call)

I don't think he's doing it on purpose, the ignoring and silence - but he will be enjoying it, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it.

He can be a 'decent' bloke and a complete thoughtless idiot at the same time. How many women on here post re affairs and they still can't beleve it because aside from that they are 'great'
Doesn't excuse anything he's done nor does it excuse the way he's dealing with it BUT I still won't lie and say he's a dreadful person because he isn't.
I've made some crap choices in life.. Hurt people.. Deep down I'm a lovely thoughtful considerate person.. I don't come across as that though to some

If you did get back with him, you'd be forever on eggshells to save him from 'stress'. You wouldn't dare bring up any issues. You'd be making yourself small to accommodate him.

You'd also be anxiously waiting and watching for imminent signs of the next dumping (yes you have rewritten history here).

You obviously want to talk this out with him, and seem to be considering getting back together with him depending on what he says. That's all fine, you have to do what's right for you. But, the way you wrote at the time wasn't describing a guy who was 'ignoring' you. Far from it in fact. You described him getting into bed with you, hugging you, asking if you were ok, messaging you, talking it through with you, but ultimately, splitting up with you.

Don't minimise what's happened. You have separated. Whether for good or not, who knows. Keep in mind what he did whilst you are making decisions about whether to get back together with him.

Mariana and agothy yes you're right and that's something I'm not willing to do or put up with. I spent the last 2 years in my last relationship trying to get past an issue.. I couldn't. I won't repeat that.. Its hard but easier to walk away.
IF he calls I'll listen.. I really don't know how I feel either way tbh

You sound beaten down Rhubarb. You're giving him all the power over you and your life at the moment. He's filling your headspace. I don't think you're filling his.

You only really know what a person is truly like when you see them under stress. It brings out the best and worst in people - which is why having a baby tends to be the 'make or break' in relationships. It's when women realise that their otherwise loving partner just can't cope with sleepless nights, health worries, financial problems etc.

And it sounds as though your partner is one of these men who runs away when the going gets tough. He's been mentally running away up until now, but right now he is practically running away too. His coping mechanisms are at fault, but, being as how he's been single practically all his life, he's not willing or able to change that approach.

He'd rather be alone and stressfree than helping a partner deal with their own stresses, basically. Give him what he wants.

Zapho

He'd rather be alone and stressfree than helping a partner deal with their own stresses, basically. Give him what he wants.

That's it yes.. In a nutshell yes.. BUT I've put a lot of pressure on the relationship that wasn't needed.. I've sat and thought about it.. Its been crap for him. He's supportive under family stress, everything else great but clearly suffers inside. The main crux is he thinks I don't think much of him (which is devastating because I did and do), he doesn't think much of himself either. This only came to light on the holiday, he said he'd only got fed up recently.
BUT it does not excuse the way he's dealt with stuff.. I did say that exact same thing to him and he didn't want it. He does though like and want his space. The conversation will be exactly that later.

Rhubarb doesn't have clarity though. He's supposed to be phoning her today

There is a hell of a lot of clarity in someone not reaching out to you. It’s just not the clarity she wants.

You keep mentioning men who have affairs as if that is the very worst they can do. I think in order to persuade yourself, and the rest of us that you can forgive him this.

You can if you want. But it is another way you are minimising his abusive behaviour. He may be a great guy most of the time, many are but his behaviour until and including today has been shocking. You say you're not willing to put up with... what? You are putting up with it. You are dancing on eggshells already. You are waiting again for him to call. After he didn't. You need to face facts. You have given all the power to him.

Even if he says what you want to hear it's just words. He's shown you who he is and what he does. He'll do it again. You may tell him you'll go next time but why would he believe you. He sees what you are doing now.

Rhubarb I think you are minimising the fact that wanting to live with a long term partner of multiple years is a perfectly normal and acceptable expectation, and that pushing for it or making it non-negotiable is totally fine.

After that many years I would absolutely expect to be able to plan to move in with someone, and if he’s really that keen on his own space that he couldn’t give that to you would this relationship have been a good one in the long run? Please don’t minimise your own needs to convince yourself that you can fix the problems that made him break up with you in the first place. What you were pushing for is perfectly normal and expected. That’s not healthy in the long run, even if you did get back together.

I was one of the posters at the beginning saying you should give him a chance

Now however, I think he’s an idiot. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. You’re taking the blame for everything, making excuses for him and his behaviour blah blah blah. You’re like a puppy who’s been put in its cage for punishment and he’ll decide when you can come out... as soon as he lets you out the cage by phoning you and clicking his fingers, you’ll go running back with your tail between your legs. Living on egg shells because you’re scared you’ll stress him out again and he’ll put you back in the cage.

OP if he wanted to be with you.. he would be with you
“Oh but he never apologises” “oh he never makes the first move when it comes to fall outs” “oh he won’t approach me because of my ex harassing me” - accept it for what it is, he just doesn’t care enough to repair any damage that’s been made!!!

He doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. Stop saying it’s because he’s an introvert, or because your ex made your relationship difficult, or any other excuse you’re coming up with to justify his careless behaviour.

Wouldn’t you rather be with a man who apologises when he’s in the wrong? Who doesn’t sit waiting for you to run to him?

Move on OP. You deserve better. But we all know as soon as he clicks his fingers you’ll be back

Ps. I don’t agree with caging puppies as punishment

But we all know as soon as he clicks his fingers you’ll be back

Yes, but hopefully Rhubarb has taken on board what posters have been saying and will look more objectively at his treatment of her, once the drama of trying to get him back has settled down a bit.

It does come across that she is excusing and indulging a recalcitrant child, rather than treating him an adult man.

Rose I would have agreed with you but the more I've thought about how it could happen (few reasons with us why it can't at the moment) and seeing most of the people I know miserable living together the more I like the way we are.. If I was adamant it's what I wanted then yes its a no go. Everyone says I have the ideal set up, I'm seeing that as a better option as to what I'd get as realistically most people get home and if they're honest would like to be on their own. This way I get to do what I like.

Love I agree, he hasn't put the effort in, as I said I'll be pointing that out later.

I just want to listen to him.. End of.
He can cry and beg.. He wont
He can apologise.. Which is what I want
BUT the long and short is he isn't fussed and that's that. I'm not stupid.. I just want to see how he feels since ever got back.. I may not even say anything.. We will see

Oh OP, you might say otherwise, but you're making excuses for this bloke, when he's been a twunt.

It's sad to see.

@rhubarb39 stop letting him control the narrative.

You’re so passive in this. It’s like you don’t see yourself as a person deserving of being valued

Your pain is palpable OP but regardless of who is right or wrong, relationships just shouldn’t be this hard work. You’re simply not compatible.

Take back your power OP

You are only listening to him because you essentially begged him to get in touch. He's not come running to make things right.

Someone who cannot ever apologise is not the perfect partner. The opposite as we all get things wrong/ make mistakes. It makes us human. Accepting that part of us and owning it is a fundamental part of us.

Interestingly I have been with my partner for about 16 years. We have not lived together though are planning to over the next year. We spent most of our time together, holidays, family events etc. He was also single, with few relationships before me. But it has never been an issue of disagreement. It has worked because we were both happy. More importantly I ( and he) always knew we could discuss it and anything else at any point. We are both able to say sorry too.

What if he has nothing to say but says you wanted to talk? I say this because that's what my ex did and all my heartfelt words meant nothing and got no reaction