So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

he said he knew I wasn’t a doormat , but that’s exactly how you are acting . Like gamerchick said it makes no difference to me what you decide but I do hate to see women with such low self esteem that they will put up with bullshit like this and basically rewrite history so that they can keep a crap man in their life .

Thanks all.
Some of the men I've been with (not many) show me that he is totally different. He's not violent, cheated on me, unreliable, have a bad temper etc.. Not that I've experienced some of those things but I do know friends who have.
If I didn't at least listen to him it would have driven me mad. Who knows what will happen.

Your last posts proves my point. He may not be any of those things. He may still be abusive (not saying he is). You need to work on yourself. It is still all about him.

OP doesn't sound like a doormat with low self esteem to me, just someone who knows when someone's worth a second chance.

Rhubarb - yes he has behaved appallingly but you are the only one who has to live with whatever you decide- go with your gut - if you do decide to try again lay down your boundaries and make it clear that he has a lot of work to do to put things right - I really hope things work out for you x

@rhubarb39 take it from somebody who spent 8 years with someone who done what your DP done to you, don't give him another chance to do it again. I have read your thread from the beginning but didn't post, I knew 100% that he would ring and want to get back with you which he has now done.
You will spend the next month's terrified to fuck up so you don't hurt him & he doesn't walk again, he will relish in that. Something will crop up that he doesn't like and the circle will start over again.
You will never feel free with this man to openly talk about your fears within the relationship or for fear of upsetting him and him leaving you. You will never feel truly free to express yourself. Everything will be about him & how he feels about everything and he will remind you constantly that he's unattainable emotionally and remind you of this holiday to keep you in your place.
I should never have taken him back the first time he done it to me, but I did for every reason you are going to. It took me a further 7 years of hell & being left to realise my life was worth so much more.
No good will come from you revisiting this relationship bar him gaining control over your whole relationship and state of mind.

This man is playing you OP. Don't let him.

Of course its about him, he did what he did..wether I decide to pursue is another matter. All I know is the Whole time I've spent with him I've been Majority happy.. Its wether he's being honest in what he says and can accept what I've said back.
As much as I'd be heartbroken I don't just go along with things for the fun of it, your gut is usually right and at the moment I feel it's worth trying.
Someone on here postong about their partner cheating..replys saying 'well if everythings OK since then etc just give him the benefit of the soubt' yet this.. He's explained he's got niggles and done it abroad.. Yes dire but not as bad as telling me/I'd found out he'd been seeing someone else for the last 6 months.. Everything relevant to its own situation

We keep saying. He can say anything. Look at what he did. Why did he not get in touch with you first?

There is a saying, "There's three sides to every story - your side, my side and the truth." So I can see how lots of situations are a bit different when you've talked things through and know what each other means.

The things that would give me cause for concern is that he didn't get in contact with you at all, Rhubarb. That, to me, doesn't bode well for future disagreements or communication difficulties. So I'd keep a watchful eye on that if you do give it another go and also work through how you really feel about it while you're thinking things through.

Nobody is perfect. We're all human. He knows that freezing you out works now though and that you're willing to drop what you want in order to pacify him.

I think you hit the nail on your head yourself when you said he is a bachelor.

Has he ever been married or had kids? Has he ever lived with a partner?

Didn't you say that he said he doesn't want to live with you in the foreseeable future,even though you've been together a few years?

Seems like he has a low threshold/tolerance - seems like he's not actually really invested. He sounds a bit ambivalent - and that resulted in him actually thinking you should finish and came out on holiday.

If you're an average person, you'd probably like a relationship that progresses and gains more and more investment and commitment from.bith sides ... I get the impression he perhaps does't want that or isn't capable of that, he'd just happily let it tick over for company or whatever. There are people like that. Their partner thinks (naturally) they're invested but when it comes down to it, they're not.

If true this makes him a bit of a dud for a key email relationship. And I share other posters' worry that you're going to experience more of this ambivalence and flakiness.

By all means continue, but keep firmly in mind that this man may very well not be v invested in this relationship and you might be unwise to continue investing in it yourself.

*If true this makes him a bit of a dud for a real/regular relationship.

Also people who "bottle things up", can't communicate, get flaky/extreme, say (major) things they apparently don't mean, don't reach out to reconcile within a reasonable period etc. ... Don't make good relationship material.

Hope it works out rhubarb. No one is perfect if you are both willing to learn from and try hard hopefully things will work out x

I hope it works out for you both I really do.

He's ruined any future holiday plans for you.

It's absolutely painful reading your excuses for him and putting the blame on yourself. They should show your posts in schools to young girls to show exactly how this kind of manipulation happens. You sound like a really nice person, and no one deserves to be ignored on their long-awaited and much-deserved holiday because the other person is crap at communicating. You'll obviously go running back to him in a heartbeat, but it won't end well. Best of luck to you though x

I've read all your posts tonight and honestly (and it seems like I'm in the minority) I really hope you work things out. I think it's just been a case of him bottling things up, not knowing how to discuss them properly with you, and it's just gotten really out of hand. He sounds great except for this and it sounds to me like it's worth another shot at the very least.

Rhubarb39

Contrary to what you said on the other thread. Men are not "useless" at communicating. Useless men are, and your expectations are so low that you think that this is both normal and acceptable. It is not. How much happier you could be if you got to a place where you knew that too.

Well I'm agreeing with you all and I'm sorry for not listening.. He's 1 word answers tonight after I messaged him..after he told me last night he wanted to work through it all but is making nor has he since his call last night. You were all right and I'm not chasing.. I had to try and now I know 😢

I'm sorry Rhubarb. None of us who post here are going to rejoice that we were 'right'. It's horrible for you, many of us have been there, and I guess we just wanted to spare you more heartbreak - but you had to know yourself really.

I hope you can draw a line now, or he'll get colder and colder to you.

So after all he said he didn't call back tonight? You clearly weren't in thrall enough. I expect he is planning on more of the silent treatment to whip you into line.

I know it is really difficult for you but consider blocking him for your own sanity. Even just do it a day at a time.

No pleasure here either. I would have been pleased to be wrong.

It was worth a try OP.

What he is trying to do is make it so you will accept whatever crumbs he throws at you, but you should not expect things of him & most certainly should stop all talks of moving in together. Wasn’t that your main sticking issue before this whole event ? He doesn’t want to commit to a future, but he wants what he wants right now. Which is what you give him, providing he doesn’t have to give you what you really want.

I'm sorry he hasn't made an effort after your talk. I really hope you can move on now.