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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

821 replies

rhubarb39 · 05/10/2019 19:55

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

OP posts:
Jan664 · 22/10/2019 16:34

I thought he was ignoring you rhubarb ? How come you talking about listening to him?
Sounds like its sorted and you need to move on and the next relationship will be better . In time you will think of the good times but be glad you moved on .
X

KOKOtiltomorrow · 22/10/2019 16:51

@rhubarb39....I feel for you and this situation sounds awful. But as I’ve said on countless other threads about getting closure and explanations / apologies - I really don’t think you will. Look at the appalling way he has treated you - why do you think he will do the right thing and give you closure? He will give you his edited version of events at most - maybe agree with some of your points to shut you up / stop you being upset (for his own sake not for yours ). People who have it in them to engage in this type of behaviour will never own it fully. And if he did by some miracle, you would probably be devastated by what he said given how you thought your relationship was.

haplessharpie · 22/10/2019 16:58

@amiapropermum

My ex said the exact same to me. It was like being punched in the stomach. Everything I planned to say meant nothing and I just felt worse that he thought so little of me.

amiapropermum · 22/10/2019 17:01

@haplessharpie I think you described it as a wall of silence and it's so accurate. He'd just switched off from me

Aminuts23 · 22/10/2019 19:42

OP this is very sad. You are still making excuses for him. I don’t know what he’ll say to you, he’s only phoning in response to a call and a message from you. He’s not ringing to explain anything, it’s not even his choice to communicate. I wouldn’t even answer the phone. Remember how you are feeling waiting for him to call. Think hard about what it feels like. It is him making you feel like that! Nobody else. You deserve better! Much better. I’m angry on your behalf. I hope you get angry soon. Your relationship is over

haplessharpie · 22/10/2019 20:46

@amiapropermum

I think it's to avoid accountability for the decision - it always, always, always hits men months maybe years later.

My ex-DP who pulled that stunt still sends me messages now asking for closure ... it's been over 3 years.

purplepalace · 22/10/2019 22:28

He won't apologise or cry or beg, because he won't phone. It's over. He has huge issues and is emotionally vacant. Stop throwing pebbles down an empty well.

You have so much love to give, please move on and let yourself be happy.

Junglejools · 22/10/2019 22:42

Has he called you op?

Mostlyhappy4 · 22/10/2019 23:57

@rhubarb39, I hope you've had some kind of closure this evening. I have followed this thread and kept hoping for something positive for you. It's a very sad and frustrating situation. I am like you, I wouldn't have been able to let this go and think I would have reacted in same way as you did. I hope you're ok x

Loveablers · 23/10/2019 02:24

just want to listen to him.. End of.
He can cry and beg.. He wont
He can apologise.. Which is what I want
BUT the long and short is he isn't fussed and that's that. I'm not stupid.. I just want to see how he feels since ever got back.. I may not even say anything.. We will see

But he doesn’t want you to listen to him! He doesn’t want to speak to you, he doesn’t want to call, he doesn’t want anything else to do with you.

I know that sounds horrible but it’s the truth. As much as you love him and as much as you want to know how he’s felt since arriving home.. he doesn’t feel the same about you. The fact he’s not bothered to contact you tells you how he feels - very little!

Stop waiting for a phone call. Stop waiting to listen to him - his silence is louder than anything he could actually say

I can tell how painful this is for you I really can. But this man really isn’t the man you think he is. I just think he’s the best of a bad bunch that you’ve been with.

You deserve so much better

andrea11745 · 23/10/2019 05:04

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 23/10/2019 13:41

Sorry delayed reply again, didn't go to bed till late and have been working.

He did call. We talked through everything. He said so much stuff had got on top of him and he should have spoke to me for prior to the holiday, he just thought he would be OK and speak to me when we got back, he says it all got badly out of hand.
We've discussed the issues.. Some ridiculas in ways but either way needed to be addressed.
I told him I thought he'd be better on his own and that he'd really hurt me. He said he could see that while away and didn't know how to deal with me as I wouldn't speak back to him (I did get to the point of being unable to speak)
He says we were great, he's crap at explaining so bottles stuff up. Told his family who told him we were great etc.. Think it helped to speak to someone.. Thats part of the prob. I told him he'd never done that before and never wanted that side again.
Long and short of a long eve is that I've said I need time to think..im thinking.

OP posts:
Rosecat22 · 23/10/2019 13:49

@rhubarb does he want to give things another go then?

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 23/10/2019 13:54

Rose yes

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 23/10/2019 13:57

It has played out exactly as so many said. Did he explain why if he wanted to make a go of it he did not get in touch with you at all?

On the other thread you are more explicit about gounng back to him all the time referencing his wants as usual. It is still all about him.

I know I'm like a stuck record. Please do the FP even online. Regardless of him being the best guy in the world it will help you. I do think you have a less than healthy attitude towards relationships /men which is probably down to your prev experiences as well as this debacle.

Whatever he says again look at what he does.

gamerchick · 23/10/2019 14:10

Fuck that, I wouldn't get past the ruined holiday. If you take him back after he's able to do that to you then you're a bit of a pushover OP.

What will the next big drama be to feed his attention seeking I wonder. To be continued in your next thread?........

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/10/2019 14:11

So now you can spend hours discussing his wants and needs with him.

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 23/10/2019 14:13

Ms pav thanks for your reply. I will look at the FP.
He has a stressful job (ironic really under the circumstances) and said he'd just gone back into that while thinking.. Saondhe would have messaged.. Was just thinking through everything before he did something he may regret. I told him I was upset.. Left dangling.. Said its the first time but any more sulking will be the last.. He said he knew I wasn't a doormat.
I gave him reasons and options to bail out.. He doesn't want to.
Its because of what he's done in the past that I wanted to speak to him, he has been amazing even if some disagree.. Until this point he was.. If I'd had rrhis prior I wouldn't be listening to him.. Like I said I'm thinking about it all

OP posts:
Original poster
rhubarb39 · 23/10/2019 14:15

Gamer you're lucky that you could just walk out the door and never look back, I'm not.. Sorry if that's the wrong responce.
Mariana there wasn't numerous issues.. hence me being upset on holiday.. We've talked.. I'm thinking

OP posts:
Phoebesgift · 23/10/2019 14:24

Don't be a mug OP. Listen to the wise posters who've predicted he would do this.

gamerchick · 23/10/2019 14:27

Makes no odds to me, it's your life. Then you'll get those few weeks of make up sex and all that lovely oxytocin. Then he'll pull some other stunt down the line.

That was a nasty thing he pulled while you were away. In a place far from home where you had no life to distract you. Making sure all you thoughts were on him and feeling low. I still think you should read your thread over.

Good luck.

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 23/10/2019 14:38

I'm pretty sure I said I've listened to him and am thinking?! No more.. No less

OP posts:
purplepalace · 23/10/2019 14:43

@rhubarb39 it's very easy for posters to say you should just LTB, it's not always that simple in RL.

I think you'll give it another go with him, it may or may not work out. If it doesn't I think you'll be better prepared this time and you will find it easier to walk away.

I do hope it does work out though and there is a happy ending.

Please just bear in mind, though, how he ruined your holiday and has made everything about himself, it also sounds like you will be expecting a lot less from him in the future and making allowances (poor man who can't handle stress and bottles things up). Please look after yourself and promise you won't sacrifice your needs just to keep him, because you obviously love him very much.

Sotoes · 23/10/2019 15:12

I think you're right to give it another chance OP. If it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it your best shot.

Men you really like are not easy to come by, and from the sound of things this situation wasn't entirely down to him. Good luck.

Mumek · 23/10/2019 15:17

Wishing you the best OP - I think you are wise to give it another chance.

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