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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset by this omission?

157 replies

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 22:50

I have been in a relationship for 14 months, after having been single for 3.5 years since separating from my husband. I have 3 DC and their father walked away from us all. The DC recently met my partner and they all get on better than I could have hoped. DP has been kind and very generous since we met; he has appreciated that I need to put the DC first and taken time off to see me whenever possible when they're sleeping/at school. He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day, though has never pestered me - it's always been reciprocal.

Every year in September he goes on holiday and we had a night away after a zoo trip booked for the day he got back. We had a great time and I was so excited about the potential for the future. Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it. He messaged me as much as normal when there. When he got back he just talked about how much he missed me, but not really about the holiday.

Today I was showing my friend photos from our zoo trip as she's thinking of taking her DC and she suddenly went very quiet. Turns out she had seen DP before (she hasn't met him) on one of her friends Instagram. I'm not on social media. The photos she'd seen were from his holiday. I'd presumed he was going with several friends but in every photo it's clearly just the two of them and you would clearly presume they're a couple.

He has mentioned her before, said she's an old colleague and a good friend. I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends but surely it's a bit off not to mention they were going on holiday just the two of them? Or is it to be expected as I didn't directly ask who he was going with?

I feel it would be out of order if he asked what I was doing, I said watching a film and it later transpired I had a male friend over but hadn't mentioned it as he hadn't asked. Surely this is similar?

We had just booked to take the kids away during the summer and he seemed so committed to our future but now I've found out about this omission it's totally thrown me. What do you think?

OP posts:

Wellmet · 04/10/2019 22:56

I think you're being very naiive to consider it an omission rather than an outright lie!

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2019 22:58

I don't think yabu to be upset. I'd be direct and calm. Tell him you were showing your friend the zoo photos and she recognised you and showed you the photos. See what he says but I think anything bar full disclosure and apology might not be enough

ScrambledSmegs · 04/10/2019 22:59

That's a bit more than an omission!

TamarindCove · 04/10/2019 23:02

You've been together 14 months but you didn't ask who he was going away with? If you didn't actually ask him who he holidaying with then he didn't lie!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2019 23:03

I wouldn't call that an omission at all. If it was innocent then he wouldn't need to lie would he?

Original poster

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 23:03

Well technically I didn't ask so he hasn't lied. I think if I did directly ask he would tell the truth, but it gets to me that it wouldn't just be something that would be shared. I want an open and honest relationship, not one where I only know things based on what questions I've asked.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 04/10/2019 23:05

Lying by omission is still lying. Sounds like he’s in two relationships.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2019 23:05

You wouldn't have known to ask. He chose to be very vague about the holiday plans and leave you to make assumptions.

Before all this Instagram stuff came out, did you think he was going alone?

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:07

You've been together 14 months but you didn't ask who he was going away with? If you didn't actually ask him who he holidaying with then he didn't lie!

Are you her dp? Wtf.

Fantie · 04/10/2019 23:08

Bring up the holiday again and then drop in to convo... I forgot to ask who you went with..

See what he says.

But from my point of view he’s took the piss not telling you. He’s done it on purpose.

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2019 23:08

This is a red flag 🚩
If you bring it up with him he will say you would not have approved so he didn’t mention it.

You could try questioning him closely without disclosing what you know.

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:10

Lying by omission is still lying.

You wouldn't have known to ask. He chose to be very vague about the holiday plans and leave you to make assumptions.

This.

Seems significant that he was vague. Someone who's been seeing another person for over a year and had been introduced to their children would naturally talk about who they're going on holiday with, would they not .. esp when it's one other person, not a group.

It's a strange omission, and I can't think of Any good reasons why it would be done.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2019 23:14

Absolutely. If he wasn't worried surely he would say "I always go away with Jane, it's a bit of a tradition and we both love ice cream and exploring 15th century Churches" or whatnot

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:15

He's going to say she's just s very good friend.

And he's going to come out with some bullshit about why he didn't mention he was going on holiday with (only) her.

What the real situation is, only they know. Could you ask through the friend who recognised him - how does his holiday partner see their relationship (presuming she's honest)?

Even if she says they're just great platonic friends and she knows about you though - it's still strange hd didn't mention it.

Moondancer73 · 04/10/2019 23:16

I'd say it's a deliberate omission a d if it was me I'd be very upset to be honest. I'd be asking questions about who he went with

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/10/2019 23:17

Sorry what OP? You seem calmer than I'd be. He's deliberately hidden that from you and it sounds dodgy as anything. If they were legitimately friends he'd have told you, people doing nothing wrong have nothing to hide. I wonder what else he meticulously leaves out that he doesn't want you to have an opinion on.

Does she know you exist? This would be the end for me, what a red flag . I'd ask him about it OP, and tell him you're messaging her- see what he does. If you're after an open and honest relationship I'm sorry to say but you are with the wrong person.

Original poster

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 23:23

He goes to the same place annually and the first time he went it was with a group of friends, so I just presumed a group again. He has said he has spoken to her about me but obviously as I haven't met her I don't know that to be true.

OP posts:

WickedLemon · 04/10/2019 23:24

You’ve been together 14 months... have you met this really good friend that is a close enough friend he goes on holiday with her?

Have you met any of his friends or family?

Who did he say he was going on holiday with? If he didn’t say, didn’t you ask? Surely that’s something that would come up naturally in conversation?

Do the two of you even actually talk?

Original poster

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 23:27

As I have the DC all the time, we've only started spending weekends together recently. Neither of us wanted to introduce friends and family into the equation yet as it's a lot for the DC to take in, though he has invited us all to his mum's birthday party in November.

OP posts:

Branster · 04/10/2019 23:27

You don’t suppose that could be a relative of his? Clutching at straws ...

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:32

Who did he say he was going on holiday with? If he didn’t say, didn’t you ask? Surely that’s something that would come up naturally in conversation?

Op already explained that because he went on this annual holiday with a group before, she understandably presumed he was going with a group again. She said above that she asked a bit about it and he was quite vague (but she didn't have any reason, presuming he was going with the same group, to question and delve further).

Lulualla · 04/10/2019 23:32

Can't your friend ask her friend? Casually
Find out before she has reason to lie. Then you know the truth and you can decide what to say to him.

user1479305498 · 04/10/2019 23:34

Just say ‘who did you go on holiday with to xxx’ reaction will tell you all you need to know

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:34

Can your friend discretely find out if this lady is aware of you, how she sees their relationship etc.?

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 23:37

You're not unreasonable, not many of us would like our boyfriend to go on holiday with just one woman. You do need to talk to him about it. If it is all above board neither of you have anything to fear - but it sounds and looks dodgy.

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