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Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset by this omission?

157 replies

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 22:50

I have been in a relationship for 14 months, after having been single for 3.5 years since separating from my husband. I have 3 DC and their father walked away from us all. The DC recently met my partner and they all get on better than I could have hoped. DP has been kind and very generous since we met; he has appreciated that I need to put the DC first and taken time off to see me whenever possible when they're sleeping/at school. He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day, though has never pestered me - it's always been reciprocal.

Every year in September he goes on holiday and we had a night away after a zoo trip booked for the day he got back. We had a great time and I was so excited about the potential for the future. Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it. He messaged me as much as normal when there. When he got back he just talked about how much he missed me, but not really about the holiday.

Today I was showing my friend photos from our zoo trip as she's thinking of taking her DC and she suddenly went very quiet. Turns out she had seen DP before (she hasn't met him) on one of her friends Instagram. I'm not on social media. The photos she'd seen were from his holiday. I'd presumed he was going with several friends but in every photo it's clearly just the two of them and you would clearly presume they're a couple.

He has mentioned her before, said she's an old colleague and a good friend. I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends but surely it's a bit off not to mention they were going on holiday just the two of them? Or is it to be expected as I didn't directly ask who he was going with?

I feel it would be out of order if he asked what I was doing, I said watching a film and it later transpired I had a male friend over but hadn't mentioned it as he hadn't asked. Surely this is similar?

We had just booked to take the kids away during the summer and he seemed so committed to our future but now I've found out about this omission it's totally thrown me. What do you think?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 05/10/2019 12:21

I would want to say to him 'so, the holiday you've just been on, how many of you went on that?' And see what you get, outright lie or something else.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 12:22

OP needs time to process what's just happened.

NoCauseRebel · 05/10/2019 12:22

I wouldn’t cancel, I would just end it. You haven’t met his family or friends nor he yours. He’s gone on a holiday with another woman and not told you.

To be absolutely blunt it sounds as if you’re the OW, or at best this is a friend with benefits.

There’s IMO no issue with men and women going on holiday together, but secrecy suggests that this wasn’t just a holiday.

I wouldn’t worry about sorting things out, I would just tell him you know about his GF and end the relationship. If he really is confused then it could be that you’re wrong, but I suspect you’re not.

keepingbees · 05/10/2019 12:26

You need to see the Instagram page, or get your friend to, see if he's been with her other times?
He's been deliberately secretive and sly at best. You're fooling yourself and burying your head in the sand to think otherwise sorry.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 05/10/2019 12:34

Thanks for you OP. It's shit when you let someone in and you have kids and the person turns out to be a fake. Been there.

Notcoolmum · 05/10/2019 12:43

Why did you cancel seeing him when you have something so big to discuss.

If you have been out with him then you can get a sitter?

I was with someone on and off for 5 years. He was seeing another woman for 3 of them. Lied about who he was on holiday with. I had full custody of my kids so it was easy to make me feel involved in his life by being involved in mine but I realised other than friends through work I didn't meet any of his. I met his mum once. But I was invited to family parties. Weddings. Etc. That of course never materialised as he found a reason for me not to be able to come...

I think you need to get this out in the open. His OW messaged me on Facebook. She had seen pictures of us on SM but played them down. I was a friend. Then a fwb then someone he felt sorry for. All deeply painful and humiliating.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2019 12:46

Cancelling today just kicks the can down the road.

If he is otherwise a great person, you should simply ask him what is going on here. Why don't you feel you can do that ?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 05/10/2019 12:53

I understand why you’re hurting, I would be too. But you really do need to ask him what’s going on. He’s the only one who can tell you for sure. Flowers because I’m sure it must all have been a big shock.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 13:00

I just want some space to think before I see him. Like I said above, I'm sure if I asked him outright he'd tell me as I know of this friend (He's been pretty disparaging about her Confused) but that doesn't change the fact that he didn't tell me first, and that he wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't found out.

I don't think I can move past that as my exH was similarly secretive (didn't want me to feel left out as I was home with disabled DC Hmm) and I have specifically told DP how much I hated that.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 13:02

Oh dear. The fact he's been disparaging about her to you is a huge red flag.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 13:03

He's been pretty disparaging about her confused

I actually find that a really bad sign.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 13:06

At the very least it makes him two faced and shitty to be slagging her off while maintaining the kind of friendship level where they go on trips alone together.

At worst he's setting her up to seem desperate, clingy, stalky, not attractive to him etc so you're not suspicious that he's involved with her, or he can claim any involvement is in her head etc.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 05/10/2019 13:07

He's been disparaging about her, yet he's been on holiday with her and he's lost a previous relationship to jealousy over her? Not ok. At best, he's two-faced. At worst, there's way more than he says there is between them and him being disparaging is a diversion. Either way I'd be running a mile.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 05/10/2019 13:09

He's not a nice person. He's a wolf disguised by flowers and attention to distract from the billowing red flags. Run.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 05/10/2019 13:30

OP you need to run from this relationship and get to grips with learning red flag behaviour. Him slagging off this other woman is a huge red flag as other PP's have said.

I smell a narcissist and this will not end well if you stay.

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 13:33

Oh they always have to talk down about them so you aren’t suspicious. Fgs they’re all so predictable.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/10/2019 13:54

I'm another one thinking it's really odd that you haven't met any of his family or friends at all. I get that you wouldn't want to do full introductions but surely you can take your children somewhere public and talk to other people?

It sounds like he's been happy to go slowly because it suits him too. Infact; if you'd said that you met on OLD, I'd have said that he was picking people with children on purpose.

He went on what seems to be a pretty intimate holiday with another woman and has carefully made sure he didn't mention her before; during or after. I can't see why on earth he'd go to that effort if his intentions were good...

Hederex · 05/10/2019 13:58

This is bizarre. How can you be in a relationship for 14 months and the subject of who he's going on holiday with never come up? I mean, how did it work? If he said 'with a friend' you'd ask who. If he said 'with friends' that's a lie.

babyrefusesfood · 05/10/2019 14:36

Op please don’t put up with this.

MrsFezziwig · 05/10/2019 17:14

Forget all the hysteria about spying on him on social media or using your friend as a go-between (are we back in primary school?). For a relationship to succeed you need to feel comfortable enough with him to be able to broach the subject and discuss it rationally. He might be cheating on you. There might have been others going on the holiday who dropped out. He might think you’ll be like his ex and kick off if he mentioned going on holiday with this woman, so it’s just easier not to.
There are a number of possible scenarios and you’ll never find out which is the correct one if you don’t just ask.

AMAM8916 · 05/10/2019 18:50

Well it doesn't sound like you're jealous, more that you aren't at all amused at him not being forthcoming with the truth and you're absolutely right.

Why would you want to be in a relationship where you've to ask a lot of questions in order to get the story? He should have said I am going on holiday with such and such and we go every year together then given that it's a woman he goes with, probably explain a little what that set up is.

So no, you aren't unreasonable at all. I would move with caution. It's totally fine for men and women to be friends but sharing a holiday just the two of them is quite odd given that he is now in a relationship with you

ChristmasFluff · 05/10/2019 19:41

Oh fucks sake.

No OP, you don't need to discuss it rationally, because he's a lying liar and he will lie.

I'd dump him and ghost him, because I don't care what lying feckwits think of me.

Get clear that your boundaries are your boundaries and even if they are unreasonable, you have every right to enforce them (by walking away - not by trying to change him, as that is out of your control).

Even of the whole of Mumsnet and your partners dog and mum think you are wrong - you aren't.

Ninkaninus · 05/10/2019 19:46

He’s been disparaging about her, yet he’s happily gone off on holiday with her and neglected to mention it to you... Hmm

And he had a jealous ex who was jealous of this same woman... Hmm

When a man tells you who is, believe him.

Savingforarainyday · 05/10/2019 20:12

Yeah, men ( and I'm sure women) will keep you seperate for a reason.....

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/10/2019 20:39

I don't understand how you're so sure he'd tell you about it if you asked him outright when you also say in your OP "Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it" and also *"

Sorry OP but he's not treated you with respect over this.

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