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Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset by this omission?

157 replies

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 22:50

I have been in a relationship for 14 months, after having been single for 3.5 years since separating from my husband. I have 3 DC and their father walked away from us all. The DC recently met my partner and they all get on better than I could have hoped. DP has been kind and very generous since we met; he has appreciated that I need to put the DC first and taken time off to see me whenever possible when they're sleeping/at school. He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day, though has never pestered me - it's always been reciprocal.

Every year in September he goes on holiday and we had a night away after a zoo trip booked for the day he got back. We had a great time and I was so excited about the potential for the future. Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it. He messaged me as much as normal when there. When he got back he just talked about how much he missed me, but not really about the holiday.

Today I was showing my friend photos from our zoo trip as she's thinking of taking her DC and she suddenly went very quiet. Turns out she had seen DP before (she hasn't met him) on one of her friends Instagram. I'm not on social media. The photos she'd seen were from his holiday. I'd presumed he was going with several friends but in every photo it's clearly just the two of them and you would clearly presume they're a couple.

He has mentioned her before, said she's an old colleague and a good friend. I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends but surely it's a bit off not to mention they were going on holiday just the two of them? Or is it to be expected as I didn't directly ask who he was going with?

I feel it would be out of order if he asked what I was doing, I said watching a film and it later transpired I had a male friend over but hadn't mentioned it as he hadn't asked. Surely this is similar?

We had just booked to take the kids away during the summer and he seemed so committed to our future but now I've found out about this omission it's totally thrown me. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 01:31

I'm hardly going to invite his family round when my DC are in bed!

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 05/10/2019 01:56

This is all very peculiar and others as suggested I would get on Facebook/Instagram and do some further digging.

Other than the holiday is he generally pretty open about his life? Has he tried to introduce you to his friends/family and it’s you who has resisted due to commitments with the DC l, or has he been happy to continue to keep your time together just about you and him?

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/10/2019 02:04

I can't call it a lie because technically he hasn't lied
He CHOSE to NOT be honest with you - about who he was going on holiday with and about what he did on holiday.
He CHOSE to NOT give you those details - you know, the kind of details that most people see as normal.

He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day.... he has been amazing in every other way
Translation - he lovebombs you.
It keeps you hooked on him....and it's working....

He sounds like a master manipulator - he's even got you making excuses FOR him without him having to prompt you Grin

Graphista · 05/10/2019 02:15

Oh good grief!

YOU said you saw him when your DC were asleep, I made the natural assumption you meant evenings and you had a babysitter organised.

But apparently not - so what he just came over when the kids were asleep?

You are giving a load of excuses why you couldn't meet his friends/family. If he wanted you to he'd have found a way, it suits him that you haven't until you're too far/deep in to break up easily.

OldAndWornOut · 05/10/2019 02:17

I would find out what I could before presenting the evidence to him.
Very weird, but then I've seen many on here talk about their platonic male friends, and how there is absolutely nothing strange about going away with them.

littleorangecat22 · 05/10/2019 02:21

Not sure this would bother me. I'd be inclinded to think that this is a close female friend he's had jealousy issues from previous partners towards and that he's avoided telling you because of past issues like that rather than it being something to hide from you because something's going on with her. Have very very close platonic friends I've been accused of having more with before and at some point you're just done with it and its easier not to discuss them b/c so many find it so hard to grasp that you can LOVE a friend so much and not be IN LOVE with them.

OldAndWornOut · 05/10/2019 02:32

I also don't find it strange not to have met all of his family yet.
When there are children involved I wouldn't want to jump in feet first.

There is certainly no need for the kids to have met any of his family, and if there aren't babysitters on tap...

midsummabreak · 05/10/2019 02:59

It is a purposeful lie by omission, and he was very vague when you asked if he was looking forward because he has something to hide. Sounds like he is not an honest man , could be a player

Effiedg · 05/10/2019 03:34

But he isn't hiding it. It's there on social media. Just tell him that your friend showed you the pics and you wondered who she was etc.

MsDogLady · 05/10/2019 03:45

Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn’t talk much about it.

Hayley, at that moment he chose to hide the truth....to keep OW’s presence a secret. Lying by omission is lying. It is deception.

You are underreacting. He has made a fool of you. It sounds like he is leading a double life.

Aoibhneas · 05/10/2019 04:17

He is very sly showing a cunning and deceitful nature, not to be trusted.

macmustard · 05/10/2019 04:24

Jealous ex lol

That just means he had an inappropriate friendship that made her uncomfortable

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 05/10/2019 04:27

I don't see the problem with him going away with his friend. It's odd he didn't say who he was going with or talk about the trip. But all you need to do is ask him.

Allthematchingchristmasclothes · 05/10/2019 04:43

So have you ever been out with him (apart from in school hours?) if you only see him between 9-3 and after 9pm mon- fri, then he has a lot of opportunity to be with some one else. Sending flowers every week is a bit much imo.

TravelsWithChild · 05/10/2019 05:13

Just talk to him about it! Communication is the bedrock of a relationship - if you feel like you can't be honest with him about your concerns then that is the biggest red flag of all.

AdoreTheBeach · 05/10/2019 05:45

OP, I think you really need to look into babysitters. Stop using your DC as excuses why you can’t meet people. Go out w your DP for dinner with his friends. Find out more about him, his past etc from these outings. It’s validation of what DP tells you. Surely you can find a babysitter for three hours in an evening once in a while?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 06:24

@Effiedg But he isn't hiding it. It's there on social medi

I hope I have this wrong but I think it's on friend/holiday mate's social media, not his. If he has put it on his then much more open about who he's going with.

pennyhasdropped · 05/10/2019 06:55

Oh your knight in shining armour the wonderful man.. living a double life. There much more to this I'm afraid and you need to get smart and start digging.

pennyhasdropped · 05/10/2019 06:57

Ah and the 'messages all day and night' red flag right there.. he's checking up on you! Where are you, what you up to? Been there know these signs well sadly.

SimonJT · 05/10/2019 07:28

It’s weird he didn’t just say. I went on holiday with my ex in June, we shared a room in the hotel, I didn’t feel a need to hide it from my boyfriend. You only hide things when you know the truth would be a problem.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 05/10/2019 07:41

If your friend is friends with this lady could she find out more? If they are together she will want to know about you.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/10/2019 08:07

Do you ever go out together? Hes got money to send weekly flowers, has he never suggested getting a babysitter and going out for an evening?

If you only see each other in your house, or at lunchtime near your house (when his friends and family are at work), then it would be very easy for you to be the other woman.

Ask your friend to ask her friend about her relationship with him. It could be innocent, it could be everyone else just dropped out until they were the last 2 wanting to go, but then you need a conversation about why he hid this from you, that in itself isnt good. (Some people do hide things they think their dp might not like, rather than be honest a deal with a small bit of upset, the lying if caught out like this creates much bigger upset than there would be in the first place, and that needs to be nipped in the bud)

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2019 08:19

So, you've never actually been on a proper date? He just comes to yours for a shag when the kids are in bed, doesnt he?

I was in a relationship rather like this once. I was lonely and felt unwanted, so i closed my eyes to the unpalatable realities, and lapped up the little bits of attention because they made me feel good.

You say that its normal that you havent met any of his friends in 14 months because you cant be dragging the children to everything. This suggests you dont have a relationship independent of you being "mum". Im sorry, OP, but this doesnt look good.

Lots of people here will say they are totally cool with their partner going away on holiday with someone of the opposite sex.... but in real life, most people wouldnt really be cool with this.

I think you need to put on your big girl knickers, and have a very frank chat with him, while the kids are not around.

ShitOnIt78 · 05/10/2019 08:28

Whoa, he's never taken you out anywhere?! He only sees you at your house, and you've never met his friends? Confused Sorry OP but I'm another one saying he is treating you like a mug and seeing you alongside someone else.

Tiredoptimist · 05/10/2019 08:34

Would it help to think about how you would advise a friend or your daughter if this happened to her? Sometimes we let all sorts of weird stuff go that happens to us but if it was friends/family we would be far more pro-active?
Listen to your instinct.