Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset by this omission?

157 replies

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 22:50

I have been in a relationship for 14 months, after having been single for 3.5 years since separating from my husband. I have 3 DC and their father walked away from us all. The DC recently met my partner and they all get on better than I could have hoped. DP has been kind and very generous since we met; he has appreciated that I need to put the DC first and taken time off to see me whenever possible when they're sleeping/at school. He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day, though has never pestered me - it's always been reciprocal.

Every year in September he goes on holiday and we had a night away after a zoo trip booked for the day he got back. We had a great time and I was so excited about the potential for the future. Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it. He messaged me as much as normal when there. When he got back he just talked about how much he missed me, but not really about the holiday.

Today I was showing my friend photos from our zoo trip as she's thinking of taking her DC and she suddenly went very quiet. Turns out she had seen DP before (she hasn't met him) on one of her friends Instagram. I'm not on social media. The photos she'd seen were from his holiday. I'd presumed he was going with several friends but in every photo it's clearly just the two of them and you would clearly presume they're a couple.

He has mentioned her before, said she's an old colleague and a good friend. I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends but surely it's a bit off not to mention they were going on holiday just the two of them? Or is it to be expected as I didn't directly ask who he was going with?

I feel it would be out of order if he asked what I was doing, I said watching a film and it later transpired I had a male friend over but hadn't mentioned it as he hadn't asked. Surely this is similar?

We had just booked to take the kids away during the summer and he seemed so committed to our future but now I've found out about this omission it's totally thrown me. What do you think?

OP posts:

Gardai · 05/10/2019 08:38

I think you need to do a bit of social media research OP.
I can’t help but feel you’ve been living in a bubble for 14 months and maybe it’s time to reassess things.

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 08:43

Sorry op, it doesn’t look good

Original poster

HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 08:49

He has been keen for me to meet family and friends but is understanding that I can't just get a babysitter. One of my DC has a chronic disability and it's not that simple. He has been here every evening from 5 for the past month as well as most of the time every weekend so I highly doubt he's in another relationship. Of course I will talk to him about it, I just wanted to check I wasn't overreacting to say it's deceitful and upsetting.

OP posts:

MargotMoon · 05/10/2019 08:51

I think you need to talk to him OP. We (the majority on here) think that lying by omission isn't ok. If he's had problems in past relationships before about his friendship with this woman then that might be the reason he didn't disclose fully, which is kind of understandable.

BUT! If it's truly just a friendship then he will want you two to meet and become friends too, so talk to him and let him know how uncomfortable this has made you feel and see how he reacts. If he's genuine then he will want his girlfriend and his good friends to get to know each other.

Original poster

HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 09:00

He's coming over this morning so I'll bring up the holiday and see what he says before mentioning the photos.

OP posts:

Idontwanttotalk · 05/10/2019 09:11

He sends flowers each week and he messages you all day and all night. That is not the behaviour of a normal bf/partner. Lovebombing is a red flag.

Original poster

HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 09:19

Usually I'd feel hassled by too much messaging but it's only reciprocal messaging. If I'm busy and don't reply for a few hours, he never messages again in the meantime or queries what I was doing.

OP posts:

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 09:22

But he isn't hiding it. It's there on social media.

On a woman's SM account who OP doesn't know - and he doesn't know of their mutual friend.

Plus he knows op is not on SM full stop.

He's been caught out by IT and the "small world with two degrees of separation" phenomenon. He had no reason to think ok would ever see his female "friend's" photos of their holiday.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 09:23

Op I'd get your friend to discretely talk to ow before you mention anything to him.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 09:26

See exactly what she says about he status of their relationship/interaction.

Bear in mind she may not even be honest, for one reason or another, about it though.

You don't have to go off half cocked and give him the advantage today. You could gather info and be in a better position to assess this.

VaggieMight · 05/10/2019 09:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 09:30

I can't think of one good reason why he wasn't upfront about this.

Even if he dealt with hassle from an ex over jealousy and suspicion about this woman, anyone remotely sensible would know that hiding his contact with her (and this is some level of contact), lying by omission etc is totally counter productive to preventing the same with his next partner.

Windydaysuponus · 05/10/2019 09:33

Just tell him you have been told about the pics and can he explain them. When I started seeing my now dh a friend told me he had holiday pics on fb of him and his ex. Looked recent. They weren't recent and he was mortified I had thought they were. Took them down straight away.
Was lots of others in the pics though. Group camping trip but some looked like a couple only. Was 6 months before we met. I felt no shame asking him about them.
Ask him op. Your suspicion will have already damaged things anyway.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 05/10/2019 09:33

I thought lovebombing when I first read your post too. Sending you flowers, paying for you to take your DC on holiday. He's building up a debt of "kindness" which he will expect to be repayed in the future by your unquestioning loyalty. I guarantee if you ask too many questions he will throw this back in your face at some point.

He may not be in a relationship with this person but I'd be willing to bet he's sleeping with her. Lying by omission is still lying.

WickedLemon · 05/10/2019 09:35

He has been at mine pretty much daily for the last month, he's not in a relationship with her

Haha ok, he managed to go on a whole holiday without raising any suspicions with you until now...

it’s entirely probable that he’s managing to deceive his girlfriend as easily as he did you.

MyMaybeBaby · 05/10/2019 09:35

Well technically I didn't ask so he hasn't lied.
Really? Do you really believe that? That line is straight from the cheaters guide 101 handbook. Of course it is lying. If he had sex with someone else and you didn't ask him, does that mean he didn't cheat or that it is ok? NO!! Omitting is a sneaky way of lying. You would never have been told and they flaunted it online for the world to see. So many big red flags.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 09:36

I mean, day or all goes wonderfully and he has a "solid" relationship with his new partner, who he's purposefully not told about things like this; he introduced you and this friend, she drops naturally into conversation about their holiday together at some point, new partner realises it was during their relationship and she was told nothing about it & was left to think he went with a group ..... That's going to cause a big issue in the relationship; so what's he trying to achieve?? At best it's deeply silly, immature, counter productive behaviour.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 05/10/2019 09:37

That's not on.
I just couldn't trust him after her omitted to tell me something like that.

MintyMabel · 05/10/2019 09:38

There is no way of meeting 'his people' without the DC being there as obviously they're all working during school hours which is the only time I don't have DC.

How have you managed to date him? In 14 months you've never been out together?

Graphista · 05/10/2019 09:41

"I also don't find it strange not to have met all of his family yet."

"Neither of us wanted to introduce friends and family into the equation yet as it's a lot for the DC to take in"

"There is no way of meeting 'his people' without the DC being there as obviously they're all working during school hours which is the only time I don't have DC."

"I'm hardly going to invite his family round when my DC are in bed!"

"He has been keen for me to meet family and friends but is understanding that I can't just get a babysitter"

All strongly suggest op hasn't met ANY of his friends/family which imho is dubious.

Op you could have arranged with him to meet friends/family of his during lunch hours or something similar. I don't believe for 14 months something couldn't have been sorted, even a virtual introduction by video call or something.

Wonderland18 · 05/10/2019 09:49

I had similar with my DP who went on a night out with his friend from the army. Didn’t tell me she was a she until he was home and telling me about his evening, he dropped it so casually as if it hadn’t struck him to bring it up prior.

We’d only been together a month though and I felt better after talking to him. Definitely have a good word with him and see what happened and why it wasn’t mentioned prior. Hopefully an oversight but it would be a biggie.

RebootYourEngine · 05/10/2019 09:50

I would have had a look online at hers and his social media accounts before talking to him.

CampingItUp · 05/10/2019 09:54

I remember a thread from years ago where the OP found out that another woman was in her Dp’s house while he was away.

After much MN-induced detective drama and a public showdown in an upmarket restaurant the woman was revealed (and verified) as his sister.

However, if I was off on hol with my brother, I am sure I would naturally include that in the conversation.

OP, you need to sign up to an Insta account and trawl his pics, and hers.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 05/10/2019 09:58

JustHereWithPopcorn · 05/10/2019 10:13

I would have a good nosey at her and his profiles before confronting him

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7