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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset by this omission?

157 replies

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 22:50

I have been in a relationship for 14 months, after having been single for 3.5 years since separating from my husband. I have 3 DC and their father walked away from us all. The DC recently met my partner and they all get on better than I could have hoped. DP has been kind and very generous since we met; he has appreciated that I need to put the DC first and taken time off to see me whenever possible when they're sleeping/at school. He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day, though has never pestered me - it's always been reciprocal.

Every year in September he goes on holiday and we had a night away after a zoo trip booked for the day he got back. We had a great time and I was so excited about the potential for the future. Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it. He messaged me as much as normal when there. When he got back he just talked about how much he missed me, but not really about the holiday.

Today I was showing my friend photos from our zoo trip as she's thinking of taking her DC and she suddenly went very quiet. Turns out she had seen DP before (she hasn't met him) on one of her friends Instagram. I'm not on social media. The photos she'd seen were from his holiday. I'd presumed he was going with several friends but in every photo it's clearly just the two of them and you would clearly presume they're a couple.

He has mentioned her before, said she's an old colleague and a good friend. I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends but surely it's a bit off not to mention they were going on holiday just the two of them? Or is it to be expected as I didn't directly ask who he was going with?

I feel it would be out of order if he asked what I was doing, I said watching a film and it later transpired I had a male friend over but hadn't mentioned it as he hadn't asked. Surely this is similar?

We had just booked to take the kids away during the summer and he seemed so committed to our future but now I've found out about this omission it's totally thrown me. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 10:24

It's definitely not his sister, he has mentioned her as an old colleague and good friend. There loads of photos from the holiday on her Insta of just the two of them. She looks more into it than him to be fair and her profile seems to only recently have become public.

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 05/10/2019 10:28

I'd sign up to Instagram and other SM and spy on him to see how close this relationship really is. Confronting him now gives him time to cover his tracks and lie outright to you. You have DC so you owe it to them and to yourself to get to the truth before it goes further.

DeadSouth · 05/10/2019 10:32

I had a manager once who would go on holidays with a photographer she was dating, she would see him every week and text constantly.

He was married with two kids. The wife found their holiday pics on Instagram and messaged her...

Not helpful but I hope things work out.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 10:35

Yellow I'd rather not bother and leave it with some dignity intact.

OP posts:
pennyhasdropped · 05/10/2019 10:41

Hope you get some honest answers from him today. Doesn't stack up either way does it really. He's been on holiday with someone and not told you exactly who and he most definitely need to fill in the blanks. I'm guessing you'll find out soon enough just by the look on his face.

Doesitevenmatternow · 05/10/2019 10:55

Hi op,

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like all was going great until this bombshell was dropped.

I have a male friend who I would have often done stuff with alone. We had zero mutual attraction but there are lots of photos of the two of us on SM posing together for the camera. I see him as a brother really and fairly sure he'd rather sleep on a bed of nails than sleep with me. So it is quite possible it is platonic.

He has mentioned this friend before which is good. I am not a fan of investigations or forcing someone to prove their innocence. He wants to include you in family events which is a good sign.

I would tell him straight out about your conversation with your friend and see what comes out after that.

If you are left feeling unsatisfied in any way I would leave. Personally if there was a back story of some romance between them, he went on the holiday because it was booked but didn't know how to tell you, nothing happened, he realised he only wants you, well for me that would be the end of it but you might feel differently.

burnoutbabe · 05/10/2019 10:59

I can't understand how holidaying with another lady did not come up. Did you not ask one question about what his holiday was like, ask to see pictures, tell you about places he went? If he lied through all that, or refused to say then that is a red flag. If you just were not interested in his life outside of you to ask, that's another.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 11:09

He showed me photos but they were just of the landscape. His brother and best friend have liked the photos so obviously it would come out eventually if I met them presumably, so I don't get why he'd keep quiet?

Feel like cancelling today and just spending it with the DC. Gutted that I let someone into their lives and it seems to have been a mistake.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 05/10/2019 11:17

The most telling thing is that he is deliberately hiding this from you by only showing landscapes etc. If it was genuinely innocent he wouldnt feel the need to hide pictures of her from you.

Of course he'll spin you the usual bullshit story that he didn't want to upset you or make you jealous but I hope you see past his manipulation.

You wouldnt have posted if you didn't know deep down how off this is. At best he's emotionally immature and unable to handle grown up relationships. At worst he's a manipulative womanising arsehole and my guess would be the latter.

Either way I wouldnt want my children around someone like this. He's not trustworthy or worth yours or your DC's time.

Don't beat yourself up about falling for the wrong guy. It's how we learn what we want/need from future relationships and you can make sure you avoid these red flags in the future Flowers

AnneKipanki · 05/10/2019 11:32

How did you meet?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 11:36

She looks more into it than him to be fair

Are you suggesting this poor man was dragged off to this holiday by a scheming woman? Stop it.

bionicnemonic · 05/10/2019 11:44

It’s possible the landscape photos were all he took! Were the ones of them together all selfies? If not someone else was there and she’s posted the ones showing here (and him as an an incidental inclusion) He maybe had a commitment to going as it was booked a while back and doesn’t look that into it in the pics as he was feeling a bit trapped and possibly uncomfortable or missing you. I’d see him and just ask him, you’ll know by his expression I think

Zucker · 05/10/2019 11:45

Do you ever get to go out with him or is your relationship based solely in your house?

If it's the latter, have a think as to how convenient that is for him and also how easy it would be for him to have a whole other life while you're completely oblivious.

pennyhasdropped · 05/10/2019 11:48

But has explained who he went with 💁‍♀️ did you mention your friend and the Instagram photos you are aware of??

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:05

He maybe had a commitment to going as it was booked a while back and doesn’t look that into it in the pics as he was feeling a bit trapped and possibly uncomfortable

Could be the case but the fact is he didn't tell op, supposedly his partner of 14 months whose kids he's been introduced to anything about it. He kept the whole thing from her, being vague beforehand and not saying he wasn't going with a group as before, but only one woman.. not talking about it afterward, only showing op landscape pics when you'd have thought at least one pic of him and his hol partner might've been in his phone. It's clear he didn't want to her to know - at the very least it's immature, kind of deceptive, not up front behaviour and v poor management of his relationship Vs opposite sex friendships. At worst he's got at least two women on the go to some extent.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 12:06

We met walking our dogs. Yes we have been out lots since he met the DC, all very public places. The selfies all appeared to be taken by her so were probably just on her phone. I've cancelled today.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:08

And if his female friend truly is interested in more/has feelings for him that he doesn't reciprocate .. he should be sensible/considerate and not be going on holiday as a couple with her, whether he's single or in a relationship.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2019 12:08

Why have you cancelled today ? I thought you were going to sort this out with him.

Are you just going to brush it over ?

pennyhasdropped · 05/10/2019 12:11

I'd be contacting her and asking what her relationship is with your partner as he's obviously not going to tell you the truth!

Laura221 · 05/10/2019 12:12

He probably kept quiet because his friendship has ruined previous relationships. Please dont let this ruin what you have with him. If it is bothering you bring it up with him but dont be on the defensive. Like you've already said he is with you all of his spare time and wants to introduce you to his family. To me he isnt trying to hide another relationship, he is just nervous of it ruining what he has with you due to misplaced jealousy. Good luck.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:13

I wouldn't imagine someone would cancel because they plan to brush over it, but because they need time to.think and get themselves together.

Somee MN posters can be so hassle-y and harassing to someone who's shocked and hurting. Ll

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:15

Please dont let this ruin what you have with him

She doesn't need to, hrs doing a great job of that on his own.

Ops response isn't unreasonable, have s behaviour is.

JustWonderful · 05/10/2019 12:15

*his behaviour is

SparklyMagpie · 05/10/2019 12:15

I wouldn't have cancelled

TetherEndReached · 05/10/2019 12:18

Why cancel ? Why not just ask him WTF is going on ?