Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset by this omission?

157 replies

HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 22:50

I have been in a relationship for 14 months, after having been single for 3.5 years since separating from my husband. I have 3 DC and their father walked away from us all. The DC recently met my partner and they all get on better than I could have hoped. DP has been kind and very generous since we met; he has appreciated that I need to put the DC first and taken time off to see me whenever possible when they're sleeping/at school. He paid for me to take them on holiday during the summer. He sends flowers each week and messages all day, though has never pestered me - it's always been reciprocal.

Every year in September he goes on holiday and we had a night away after a zoo trip booked for the day he got back. We had a great time and I was so excited about the potential for the future. Before he went on holiday I asked if he was looking forward to it, his plans when there and so on but he was pretty vague and didn't talk much about it. He messaged me as much as normal when there. When he got back he just talked about how much he missed me, but not really about the holiday.

Today I was showing my friend photos from our zoo trip as she's thinking of taking her DC and she suddenly went very quiet. Turns out she had seen DP before (she hasn't met him) on one of her friends Instagram. I'm not on social media. The photos she'd seen were from his holiday. I'd presumed he was going with several friends but in every photo it's clearly just the two of them and you would clearly presume they're a couple.

He has mentioned her before, said she's an old colleague and a good friend. I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends but surely it's a bit off not to mention they were going on holiday just the two of them? Or is it to be expected as I didn't directly ask who he was going with?

I feel it would be out of order if he asked what I was doing, I said watching a film and it later transpired I had a male friend over but hadn't mentioned it as he hadn't asked. Surely this is similar?

We had just booked to take the kids away during the summer and he seemed so committed to our future but now I've found out about this omission it's totally thrown me. What do you think?

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:39

Inviting you and your kids to his mums birthday seems like a good sign.

Omitting to mention that he's going on a one on one holiday with a female friend, both before and after - is not.

Even if he had agreed to go before he started seeing you/while it was early days with you and didn't want to let her down; and was worried you would find it uncomfortable (which many would) and he'd get a bit of hassle; it's still dishonest, disingenuous etc to omit to tell you about it and be (seemingly) purposefully vague

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 23:40

(not to mention immature, not to be honest and communicate about it).

It would make me worry about his character tbh.

WickedLemon · 04/10/2019 23:41

Boyfriend: I’m going away again in September on that annual holiday that I do.
OP: Oh nice, where are you off to? Is it the same group of people as last year?

Hardly the Spanish Inquisition, that’s just a very natural non-vague conversation. If you feel unable to ask such basic questions without feeling like you’re being intrusive, or he’s giving deliberately vague answers such that you feel uncomfortable asking any more questions, then you have a problem.

But your bigger problem is that you’ve been together 14 months, you haven’t met any of his friends or family, and he’s been on holiday with another woman.

I know what I think the most obvious explanation for that is...

AnyFucker · 04/10/2019 23:47

"Omission" ?

You sound like you have the anger chip missing, op. Are you always so calm when people treat you like shit ?

Original poster
HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 23:50

So Wicked, you think it would have been a good idea to introduce my children not only to a new partner, but also all of his family and friends in just a few months?

I wouldn't have had a problem if he'd told me. I do that he hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyHayley · 04/10/2019 23:51

AnyFucker he has been amazing in every other way, this has really come as a bolt out of the blue. I can't call it a lie because technically he hasn't lied but the whole feel of it is wrong to me.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 04/10/2019 23:59

I’m amazed you didn’t get the woman’s name and go hunting on Instagram.

I’m guessing he’s not on Insta? Maybe there was a whole group on hol, and she’s just posted one of him and her?

Best not to guess.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2019 23:59

Stop handing him his "out"

Of course it is a lie. You are likely the side chick. Is that ok with you ? Finding your anger yet ?

CTRL · 05/10/2019 00:03

I think it’s pretty black and white to me.

They are romantically involved with each other

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 00:08

I would open an Insta account and go hunting.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 00:14

My friend showed me the photos. It is clearly a table for two that they're eating dinner at. Some selfies together, only him tagged. He has been at mine pretty much daily for the last month, he's not in a relationship with her.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 05/10/2019 00:16

I'm amazed it never came up who he was going on holiday with. Just ask him about it. Surely after 14 months you can do that?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 00:18

Ask your friend for screenshots of the photos and show him without saying anything. Watch his reactions and face carefully.

CTRL · 05/10/2019 00:18

@HeyHayley
How are you so sure they are NOT In a relationship ?

It seems like they are to me 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 00:31

He messages me all day and night. He has been at mine for most of the last month. I'm sure if I asked him now who he went with he would tell me the truth but that doesn't negate the fact that if it wasn't for my friend, I wouldn't have known or been suspicious.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 05/10/2019 00:36

I think if anyone was going on holiday they would say who they were going with, or who they were with at the time. The most generous explanation is maybe he had an ex once who was the jealous type, so he learned to keep quiet about female friends :/ But yep OP I would be thrown too xxx

macmustard · 05/10/2019 00:49

You'd be amazed how many people manage to have more than relationship despite 'they're always here' or 'they wouldn't have time'.

Regardless it's absolute bullshit that he went on holiday with another woman and didn't say a word to you. I'd end it. I couldn't be with someone who would lie, and likely when you confront him will say they're just friends and he felt no reason to tell you as he's allowed female friends. You will never know what really happened on holiday or if there's anything romantic between them, and he didn't even have the decency to be upfront about her.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 00:49

Yes he had a jealous ex...who was jealous of this particular friend Hmm

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/10/2019 01:08

"he's not in a relationship with her."
You have absolutely no way of knowing that!

Frankly it sounds like you barely know him at all!

Your having kids to consider is NOT the same as him having not introduced you to ANY of his friends/family.

Quite honestly it sounds like you don't spend much time together usually (prior to his meeting the DC) and that time was likely mostly spent shagging rather than communicating and actually getting to know each other.

"Yes he had a jealous ex...who was jealous of this particular friend" she may have had damn good reason!

As you very clearly have only his word regarding...well ANYTHING you know about him! You cannot assume there was no reason for her to be suspicious!

You should have been suspicious WAY before now with not meeting any of his people

managedmis · 05/10/2019 01:15

Two things?

He sends you flowers every week?

He went on holiday for a week with another woman, and didn't tell you? There's a reason why he didn't tell you this /lied/omitted to include information / etc etc. Whichever way you want to spin it, he didn't tell you for a reason.

managedmis · 05/10/2019 01:16

He messages me all day and night.

^

But why does he do this? Isn't it a bit much? Does he not have a job / need to sleep?

minesagin37 · 05/10/2019 01:19

He's not in a relationship with her but there are a series of holiday snaps with just the two of the! If it's not his sister then he's a cheating **! These threads are full of stories of how men cheated but no one ever caught on as they always seemed to still be spending time together.

MercyBookoo · 05/10/2019 01:20

Ask him.

Ask your friend to ask her friend her version.

Original poster
HeyHayley · 05/10/2019 01:24

There is no way of meeting 'his people' without the DC being there as obviously they're all working during school hours which is the only time I don't have DC.

I agree that he didn't tell me for a reason. I would hope that it's as simple as he thought I wouldn't approve but now I have no way of knowing what happened and I doubt his honesty all round.

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/10/2019 01:28

You said when the DC were sleeping too which is evenings no?

I think you're desperately trying to justify his CHOOSING not to introduce you to his friends and family even ONE in FOURTEEN MONTHS.

That is not remotely normal.