Today I am going to be told about his new woman

[MedusaMomma]

I feel so desperately sad right now. I had been with my current partner for 15 years. We were happy, he was a good man. We didn't really argue majorly and he told me he loved me everyday. He recently turned 40 and he changed. We have a son together and i recently had a termination that i regret because he flipped out when he found out I was pregnant and left me that day. He never went out because he was such a family man and he spent all his time with us. Since he left our son who is autistic has become with drawn. He wouldnt tell me where he was staying until last sunday when he told me he was sleeping on a female friend from works sofa... Yeahi know what your thinking. I desperately wanted for us to work on being there for our son and he came home for a few days then again he text me saying he wasn't coming home. He also blocked my calls. I just can't cope. I know there is something going on and yesterday i flipped and found a way to message him and i yold him he needed to be there for his son. He texted me this morning to say he needs to talk. I am still blocked. I can't cope anymore. I have no friends or family. I can't cope with the hurt and betrayal, caring for my son and the loss of the child i should havd kept. I feel so desperate and don't know what to do. I don't know how im going to cope when he calls to tell me he is with this woman. I just feel so bad

Op it sounds like you are doing really well - it feels like your perception of what is happening is clarifying, and you are managing to focus on your son and trying to keep two parents in his life. You are also feeling, rightly, the unfairness of all the responsibility falling on your shoulders. This is wrong and not sustainable - regardless of your partner's issues.

I agree with @DBML ..... calmly and firmly you need to get him/ his family to take your son some of the time - assuming you trust them with him. You need and deserve respite..... rest, simply.... and time to absorb what is happening.

If it would not be disturbing to your son, and you feel your partner is still able to be a responsible father, I would make sure he takes your son for most of the weekend.....

Good luck. 🍀

Im just heartbroken. He did stay with her last night. He said nothing is going on as yet but he would like it to. I feel physically sick. She also has children so that has hurt me more. Hes been around her kids and not our son. He hasn't told her the full story of why he left me as I asked him. He said that i had better not ever say anything because i would be the one to look a fool.we had to go looking for birthday presents and it was awful. He acts like he barely knows me and I'm the most annoying thing. I said I needed to leave and he wants to know where and who with.... It like double standards. How am I supposed to move on from this. He just went off to get some bread.... I just can't cope with all of this.

He’s left for another woman op. Now get angry. Tell him to take his stuff and it’s none of his business what you do or who you see.
Tell him when you’ll drop your son at his for visitation and that you’ll be meeting with your solicitor.
I’m so sorry, there’s no going back from this.
Also, telling her why he’s left you would not make you look a fool. It would make him look like the horrible man he is. That’s why he doesn’t want you to say anything...but, in my honest opinion, she’s not taking much of a prize from you, so I’d say nothing...or she might send him packing and you’ll have to take the scum bag back. She’s doing you a favour op, you just don’t see it yet.

He said that he hasn't told her how he feels yet but they have been talking for months. He says hes not moving in with her he just can't stand me and she gives him attention that I dont. He literally just walked in put the bread down and left to get some money out. He knew I wanted to get out today and he just keeps doing stuff so I can't. We talked earlier and he told me he feels lonely and wants more from his life. I just feel like ive wasted 15 years of my life. I bet he comes back puts my son to bed then goes back to her. Ive told I can't do all of this. I can barely breath

You said several times ( and this is not a criticism ) that your son is your life and you always put him first . You were also having mood swings . You as a mum have not had any time off or respite in 15 years . That is not an excuse for what he has done but this must have been so hard for all of you . I am sure he has cared and loved you both - and the reason he is changing sounds like guilt and self protection . Is there anyway you could try getting help as a family ? talk to your GP / a charity or anything? you must all be at breaking point without the added pain of him leaving ?

you have not wasted your life - you did say he has been a loving partner and good father and you have a wonderful DS . You need to value yourself more . Not many people could have been so dedicated to your DS

i'm only guessing here but I think another pregnancy on top of the doubts he was already having made him buckle under the responsibility that he didn't want. Before the second pregnancy he was drifting with you. But the thoughts of it being twice as hard to walk away, twice the guilt, a father to two children not one, leaving you with two not one child, it probably made it all come spilling out. Which is good OP. Better now than later. You will be ok when you get used to the idea of not being a couple.

OP I know you are hurt and shocked but you really need to take control.
No he can't come in the house if he's sleeping somewhere else. No he can't see your DS whenever he fancies. He's in or he's out. If he's out then don't come back and sees your DS on an agreed schedule, at which time you can do as you please with whoever you please and it's none of his business. And I personally would make sure that OW knows exactly what's going on, but I don't take betrayal well.

Oh no, just seen that there is another woman.

OP, you say your son will never spend a night with him. This is really self-sacrificing. Please make SURE that your son spends a night or more every week with him. YOu need to have some free time so that you can learn to be on your own. Make space in your life for something other than being a mother.

So far from fighting him if he wants to take your son overnight, value your own freetime and your own right to have the responsibilities shared and insist on it!!!

This is awful. What a selfish bastard. I hope you get angry soon.

Please stop being a mug. Stop letting him call the shots. You have him on a pedestal. He's let you do everything for your son. He expects you to be there for him. Cake and eat it springs to mind.

I'm so sorry. This has affected me more than anything else I've read on here. Reading about how fucking selfish he's been (and I know sadly he's not unusual in that)- it's made my blood actually boil for you.

I've not been in your shoes exactly, but similar in that I had an infuriatingly selfish, lying, self serving low life to contend with and frankly my child is better off without him.

I relate to the heartache, the despair. I feel desperately sad for you, and beyond angry on your behalf.

I can tell you though that THIS is the low point. It's all upwards from here. Yes, it's a slow drip drip of a struggle but one day in the not too distant future , I promise you you'll look back and recognize how strong and amazing you are and have been.you WILL be in a far better place. Take from this that you deserve and NEED time for yourself. It doesn't make you any less of an amazing mum- just a happier one. Your boy will thank you for it.

I know none of this is consolation right now. I know you cant even see right now, through eyes so swollen and sore with tears and exhaustion.

But from this lowest of lows, it WILL get better. You've no idea how much people on here see willing good things for you. Stay strong and keep taking small steps, one after another.

Please never forget that the support on here is heartfelt and real. You're not alone.

Oh OP, I am so sorry to hear your update. I had hoped it wasn't true..... 😞😞

This will be a huge adjustment for you but I know you can do it.

I agree with others that along with lots of other mind shifts, you need to get used to standing up to him - calmly and firmly - and handing him responsibility. Absolutely insist on him taking your son for significant time every week. And no, what you do during that time is none of his business.

I spent my marriage looking after my husband, the household and our child.... despite working full time and earning more than him. I was totally exhausted and when he left me for a much younger woman, I expected life to get even harder work. But I actually get much more rest now - because I am not doing a ton of stuff for him, and chunks of every week my daughter is actually with him and I have genuinely free time. I also gradually rediscovered and was able to enjoy many parts of myself I had let go of through the years of trying to please him.

It was a huge change to go through, and it will be hard..... but there is a future ahead for you which can be rich and refreshed.... you will get through this.

For now though, just give yourself a breath. Think of a few concrete steps you can take to assert yourself and protect your wellbeing.

We are here for you....

Goldie x

As soon as he came back from the cash point we had a huge blow out. I said I had planned on going out so thats what I was going to do. I put my face on got changed and did my hair. He kept coming in and eas demanding yo know where i was going. I didn't tell him. I then left the house got a few bottles of wine and just sat and drank them. I had a walk and i didn't get back till quite late and was quite drunk. Not the greatest thing to do i know. He made me tea, a sandwich and got a duvet to keep me warm. He said he wasn't going to see that woman again and stay for our son. I don't quite believe him on that one but i do think je should be here for our son. He stayed last night and we all watched a film together. Inside I'm just not coping but ny son has been happy his dads around. Last night i went to bed and then i got up to get water and he wae texting her and he admitted it. He said she was worried because she hadn't heard from him all weekend. He said he was still planning on not seeing her. Just all such a mess

I think you need to tell him to leave. He's obviously romantically involved with this other woman, even if he's not slept with her he's cheating in other ways, texting her, talking to her, sleeping over, it's all heading one way and that's to her bed.
Don't be a doormat, as much as you love him, and as much as you want your family back you deserve better than a man who is checked out of your relationship and basically starting another with someone else.
If you can't bring yourself to tell him to leave, you need to atleast give him a ultimatum, if he wants to stay then he needs to go to the GP and get the help he obviously needs, stop all contact with this other woman and start working on your relationship, talking to you, working on the things that are making you both unhappy and putting you and your son first.
If he can't promise that then you know where you stand. You deserve better than this.

I'm really trying to not be a doormat. I just need him to do the right thing. I have said he needs to stop and he does too. I don't want to have wasted 15 years and at the end it be bitter and horrible. What he did is awful and I don't accept it in any way. My son needs stability and that's not going to happen if we are at war and nothing is sorted out. I will have to see what today brings because he said he was telling her today it was done.

Tell him to do one.
Do not be his 2nd choice.
Do NOT be his fall back girl.
His head is messed up. That is of his OWN doing.
You don't owe him anything.
Tell him you need a break. He needs to move out for 1 month.
Then you will talk and see how things are.
That 1 month will tell you all you need to know.
If he gives you that space then at least he is respecting your wishes.
If not, then he's a KNOB!
If he goes running to her, then again, you have your answer.
He needs to sort himself and his head out.
He can't do that while he's going back and forth between you and OW.
Do NOT do the pick me dance.
Tell him to fuck off.
He's playing you like a fiddle!

All I want his her gone. Then we can sort this mess out. While she is in the picture nothing is going to move forward.

@MedusaMomma but he is keeping her in the picture. If he truly wanted her gone then he wouldn't say another word to her.... but he is still texting her. It says it all.

He is and will continue shagging her. 100%. He also takes you for a fool.

Im not doing this so I will just forget and carry on.I'm trying to secure the future of this family. With her around its not going to happen I've made my point crystal clear. If she doesn't dissappear then yes I know what im dealing with.

Last night i went to bed and then i got up to get water and he wae texting her and he admitted it
Well she won't be gone while he is still texting her.
You cannot believe a word he says right now.
He will lie and lie and then lie some more.
She will never disappear.
She will always be there.... in the back of your mind. Will he contact her again? Will he have his head turned again by another woman?
Because if he wants to, he will.
He's had no consequences at all for his behaviour.
You are enabling it to continue.
Please protect your heart!!!

OP - please listen to hellsbells. He’s aiming to keep you both on the go. That’s not how it should be.

OK, firstly raise your self esteem off the floor and tell him to do one.

He has openly admit he hates your guts, yet you want him to stay?

Make no mistake, he’s been having sex with another woman and has openly admitted would like something more with her. Yet you want him to stay?

You want stability for your son? You will not get that with this cheat still in the house. And where is your son when you two are having these ‘blow-ups’. Do you honestly think that is providing stability him hearing you two shouting or having a mother coming home drunk?

And sorry to be harsh, but do you honestly think this relationship will work now? Of course it won’t so don’t kid yourself, he doesn’t even like you.

Now pick up you self esteem, don’t be a door mat, raise that bar high and kick him into touch and YOU provide that stability your son needs, do not rely on him to do it.

I appreciate everything you are saying. Yes he has behaved the most appalling manner and I probably won't forgive him. What is important to me right now is my family and whether I like it or not he is a part of that. He told me that he texted her saying he isn't going to see her anymore and his son has to come first. He is coming home and doing what he says. My son won't be suffering without his father and at this moment in time thats all I want. I'm not naive to think that he is being 100% truthful but I will make sure this family survives. If he moves out, he moves out but it won't be with her. He has just called me and as far as the solution we came up with he is playing his part. Im not asking for him to come back to me but i can't throw 15 years of goodness away with bitterness. He has been a fantastic partner and father up until this point and thats not me forgiving him or wanting the relationship to continue its trying to build bridges in the right way for moving forward. Not everything is black and white or life would be a lot easier

My son has stability. He does not see his mother coming home drunk either. His father WILL be there for him in the form he always has been.