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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I am going to be told about his new woman

179 replies

MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 09:49

I feel so desperately sad right now. I had been with my current partner for 15 years. We were happy, he was a good man. We didn't really argue majorly and he told me he loved me everyday. He recently turned 40 and he changed. We have a son together and i recently had a termination that i regret because he flipped out when he found out I was pregnant and left me that day. He never went out because he was such a family man and he spent all his time with us. Since he left our son who is autistic has become with drawn. He wouldnt tell me where he was staying until last sunday when he told me he was sleeping on a female friend from works sofa... Yeahi know what your thinking. I desperately wanted for us to work on being there for our son and he came home for a few days then again he text me saying he wasn't coming home. He also blocked my calls. I just can't cope. I know there is something going on and yesterday i flipped and found a way to message him and i yold him he needed to be there for his son. He texted me this morning to say he needs to talk. I am still blocked. I can't cope anymore. I have no friends or family. I can't cope with the hurt and betrayal, caring for my son and the loss of the child i should havd kept. I feel so desperate and don't know what to do. I don't know how im going to cope when he calls to tell me he is with this woman. I just feel so bad

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 21:16

Really having a hard time. I just want to text him and tell him to come home. Can't stand being in this house at night alone i just keep pacing from room to room. He didn't stay at his grandmother's house hes staying with another friend. This time its one im aware of and as far as I know they haven't been in contact for years and years. I know this friend moved away once. Im just so scared hes lying to me

OP posts:
StartTheC0untD0wn3725 · 04/10/2019 21:27

Dont be sad
Be angry !
You don't have the luxury of walking away from your son or a time out !

He is either sick & needs help or he is just running away from all his responsibilities

Either way, he needs to sort himself out

Interestedwoman · 04/10/2019 21:29

It all sounds so awful. xx Thinking of you. Hugs xxxxx

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 04/10/2019 21:32

@MedusaMomma I'm going through the same thing at the moment except I've had no word from my ex.

Keep your chin up, the nights are the worst but keep busy with reading, tv, cleaning or a bath and music.

You're doing great and I'm sorry you are going through this Thanks

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 21:59

I just feel in my heart something is a miss. Why does he all of a sudden have all these friends that have zero going on in there life that he can just call them up and stay at there house. No kids, partners? Just isnt sitting well with me

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 22:02

Im sorry your going through it too. Its just the worst feeling ever. I just feel like I'm stuck in this place and have just got to deal with it. If he calls or texts and i dont answer straight away h we wants to know why. Its such a horrible place to be in

OP posts:
DBML · 04/10/2019 22:15

Stop being available op. Don’t just pick up the phone to him. Make him start to understand what he’s thrown away.

Is it female friends houses he’s staying at? If so, the disrespect for you is horrendous, not to mention how he’s treated you. Depression or no depression, the way he’s acting is appalling.

Op it’s so hard because as an outsider the answer is easy - you have to tell him you’re leaving him, stop answering your phone. Message only about your child and look like you’re getting on with life. I know that when you’re hurting so bad though, the anxiety alone makes doing the obvious impossible.

I really wish you the best op.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 22:51

This one is male. He hasn't been in contact with him for a long time. I just feel so worn down. By it all. I desperately want him to be there for our son. I only talk about our son to him and im trying to be brave and sound upbeat and like I'm fine when im not. I have to be here constantly and ive had enough. Im sick of sitting on my own. I love being a mom dont6get6me wrong but my life is wake up take care of my son. Take him to school come home do housework go pick him up cook put him to bed then nothing. Its a carbon copy day after day.

OP posts:
IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 04/10/2019 23:09

@MedusaMomma you don't have to answer to him, just say 'busy' if you feel you need to say something. It is really difficult and you are being so strong.

Maybe think of a hobby you can do to break up
Your day? A fitness class? A book to read? I got recommended Robin Norwoods 'women who love too much' and got it for £2.45 off eBay and it's amazing at helping me when my head and heart hurt.

Keep strong Thanks

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 23:19

If im totally honest if he knocked the door now id take him back in a heartbeat. I just miss our family. Maybe its me not totally accepting its over thats the problem. It wasn't like I saw it coming it was so out of nowhere. I keep thinking that maybe he is seeing someone and isn't telling me because he thinks i won't allow him to see his son. I just don't get how he can magic up all these people who let him stay at there house at a drop of a hat. He treats me like ive done something so bad that he can't even be in the same room as me and I haven't done a thing. Maybe its guilt. Maybe he's just turned into an arsehole over night I just can't get my head around it all and i can't get closure

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 04/10/2019 23:37

What contraception were you using? Could it be that he thought you
wanted another child and that you became pregnant on purpose?

He sounds conflicted and I suspect that, regardless of whether there's an ow, he's carrying a lot of guilt which really needs to be examined or worked through, with a therapist,

Weenurse · 04/10/2019 23:49

Maybe start to look for ways to volunteer during school hours

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 23:51

We didn't use any contraception. I was on the pill and i came off it because I was having terrible mood swings and he agreed with me not to use it. He was considering getting the snip and we were using condoms but not that time. I never said I wanted another child. We had discussed it a few years ago and we both agreed we were great as we were.

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VenusTiger · 04/10/2019 23:57

@MedusaMomma you’ve said it yourself, you understand depression and how irrational it is.
You say his gran brought him up, I think this is why he’s stalling so much on going round there, he knows he has to eventually as he’s going to run out of single friends to stay with (he wouldn’t want to impose on friends with families). He knows his gran will do something about this and take him to a GP. He knows he’s ill but is still in denial that he needs professional help. He’s still going to work so presumes he’s coping, but he’s not. He wants you to answer your calls to him as he knows you’re his only support. You’re probably the only person who knows what he’s going through right now. Be patient, he needs to get help and get well. I understand you have needs to, but would he be as supportive for you if the tables were turned?
There’s no way there’s another woman if he’s in a state as you say.

DonKeyshot · 05/10/2019 00:10

The one time that he/you didn't use contraception, you became pregnant and then went through all the trauma of termination,

I think he has a lot to feel guilty for and he's turned it, or some of it, back on you.

As VenusTiger has said, you understand depression and the irrational thinking that can accompany it and, frustrating as it is for you when you just want to scream at him for leaving you to shoulder all the care of your ds, it seems to me that you should cut him some slack and see if you can gently persuade him to visit his GP and ask for a short course of antidepressants and/or a referral for counselling.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 05/10/2019 08:08

Im getting more and more worked up this morning. Hes coming round at 10 and has the whole weekend off work. Im so tired and emotionally and physically drained. I just want him to have parental responsibility all this weekend because I'm so tired. I just dont know how to go about it. We were suoposed to be shopping for out sons birthday and hes then going to just vanish again and probably not show till the actual day and have the whole weekend to do what ever he pleases. I don't think this is fair. The last thing I want is n6 son caught in the middle but i feel like im falling down the rabbit hole and im so desperately trying not to.

OP posts:
Fantie · 05/10/2019 08:28

Why cant he stay in the house tonight with his son after the shopping and you go out for the evening/night and have a break?

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 05/10/2019 08:30

Thats what id like to happen i just really haven't had a day off since the day he was born. I need to start rebuilding me again because ive long forgotten who that is

OP posts:
Fantie · 05/10/2019 08:32

Tell him then, present it as a done deal as your shattered so after shopping we can go back to the house and il collect some stuff to go out for the evening.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 05/10/2019 08:36

I do need to do something. I just honestly feel like he likes to know where i am and keep me there because I can't leave and he can do what he likes. I have to answer calls or texts or he wants to know what im doing but he ignores me. It such a huge confusing mess.

OP posts:
Fantie · 05/10/2019 08:38

Pack your bag now and put it in your car boot.

You need a break x

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 05/10/2019 08:43

I do need a break. I'm going to do it. I really need to reconnect to the life I had before.

OP posts:
DBML · 05/10/2019 08:56

It’s always struck me as completely unfair that one parent is able to do a ‘woe is me’ act and disappear, leaving the other parent fully responsible for the children. It’s such a selfish act.

My Nan had a friend with one child, a daughter. This daughter had a child with her husband. One day the husband left due to feeling depressed and the pressure of responsibility.
Everyone told this woman that there was nothing she could do. She couldn’t force him to help/be a part of the child’s life. She had to step up and be mum and dad. She had to be strong. One day her mum, my nan’s friend, went to see her and found her hanging.

Your mental health is equally as important as your partner who has now swanned off. You need to start putting in place arrangements to protect your wellbeing. Please speak to him about who will look after the children at the weekend to give you a break. Will one of his parents or siblings help? Speak to them if you can. Can someone pop over midweek or perhaps he could pay for a nanny or a playgroup type thing a few hours a week, or a cleaner. Can he pay for workmen to finish the jobs in your house. You need to get a bit selfish too and stop giving, giving, giving and trying to understand this man, because the more you’re willing to give, the more he’ll take. You need to be firm, because currently he’s not coming back, but he’s willing to allow you to live in hope so you don’t challenge him too much.

Depression is a horrible disease, but it’s not an excuse to treat others in the way he’s treated you op. Look after yourself too...it’s not just about him and your child. Mums deserve consideration too!

BigFatLiar · 05/10/2019 09:13

I wouldn't be surprised about his male friends putting him up even if he hasn't seen them for a while. Men tend to be a lot more casual about these things.

If he has MH issues then its up to you if you want to be there for him. As many have said he's an arse for going off and leaving you even if he isn't 'all there' just now. Kick him into touch if you want. Its not just a man thing. A colleagues wife has severe PND and had to be hospitalised. She hated him, hated the new daughter, everything was wrong. He struggled with the newborn and visiting her (she still hated them). Took a while for her to recover he simply had to cope (no local family). Took time and they're fine now.

These things happen sometimes, its up to you how you handle it. If you can't cope then acknowledge it and move on. Meanwhile try and find a way to have a break.

If he is a mess just now will he be able to look after his son properly if you weren't there.

Livelovebehappy · 05/10/2019 09:23

I too think it sounds odd that all these very accommodating friends are popping up to let him sleep on their couches. It just doesn’t ring true. I think he does have Ow whose house he is staying at, but obviously doesn’t want to let you know yet. There’s absolutely no way someone would sofa surf when they have a partner and own home they can stay at. It just doesn’t make sense. He’s chosen these ‘old’ friends who you’ve never met, on purpose, so you can’t check up on his story. It’s so hard I know. Many of us on MN have been in this very same situation. I would do what PP have suggested, and ask that he watch your son tonight so you can have time away on your own, or just being with your family and friends. You might also then get an idea of what’s going on, as if he is staying with OW he will find excuses not to look after your son.