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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I am going to be told about his new woman

179 replies

MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 09:49

I feel so desperately sad right now. I had been with my current partner for 15 years. We were happy, he was a good man. We didn't really argue majorly and he told me he loved me everyday. He recently turned 40 and he changed. We have a son together and i recently had a termination that i regret because he flipped out when he found out I was pregnant and left me that day. He never went out because he was such a family man and he spent all his time with us. Since he left our son who is autistic has become with drawn. He wouldnt tell me where he was staying until last sunday when he told me he was sleeping on a female friend from works sofa... Yeahi know what your thinking. I desperately wanted for us to work on being there for our son and he came home for a few days then again he text me saying he wasn't coming home. He also blocked my calls. I just can't cope. I know there is something going on and yesterday i flipped and found a way to message him and i yold him he needed to be there for his son. He texted me this morning to say he needs to talk. I am still blocked. I can't cope anymore. I have no friends or family. I can't cope with the hurt and betrayal, caring for my son and the loss of the child i should havd kept. I feel so desperate and don't know what to do. I don't know how im going to cope when he calls to tell me he is with this woman. I just feel so bad

OP posts:
incognitomum · 03/10/2019 14:17

How does he expect you to answer the text? He sounds a total shit.

I hope you find your anger soon. He's holding all the cards right now.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 03/10/2019 14:46

You have to stop him taking the lead, do it for your son.

DonKey has given some great advice even if you don’t want him having over night contact right now.

Tell him you know what he is going to say and all you care about is consistency for your son.

Find your anger and remove his power!

FatRambo · 03/10/2019 14:47

Dear OP, I am so sorry. I've been in your shoes, it's horrible. I didn't think I would cope and I was terrified of everything. But here I am, that was 10 years ago and I'm confident and strong and I have been both mum and dad to my DCs and they are grown up and lovely. You can do this, and you will, it just seems impossible right now. Take one step at a time and don't forget to look back and see how far you have come.

Honestly, I'd not care about what he's going to say and where / how / when he's going to say it. It's nothing you haven't worked out for yourself. Don't give him the satisfaction of finding ways to message him. He's blocked you, which is beyond juvenile, so just leave it at that, and focus on you and DS. There's no point in reacting, it just wastes the precious energy you have. Focus on yourself and DS instead. And in my experience, a toxic father will be no help to your DS. Better to get rid now.

I do advise going to see your GP. He/She will help you cope with the coming weeks. I'm glad I went to see mine.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2019 14:51

Who is the lead tennant on the property?
Did you sign any paperwork?
So he pays the rent?
He can carry on doing that.
You need to speak to Shelter and the Council about housing.
Do not speak to him today.
You aren't ready.
Don't answer his call until you've had some advice.
Contact CAB as well, they can help you with benefits, housing etc....

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 14:53

Op, I mean this gently but are you sure you want him to tell you face to face? In my view that makes it one hell of a lot harder. Isn't it better to tell him to call you and tell you?

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 15:08

Hes been texting me and he says he isnt seeing her or anyone else. I asked him if he wanted to talk to tell me if he is about to start seeing her and he said it has nothing to do with anything and can't see why I would say that. He did say we need to talk. And we do. He isn't usually this horrible nasty person what so ever, he usually is one of the nicest people you would ever meet. So im unblocked but ive said my bit until later. I just get upset and angry about juvenile behavior. We are adults with a child and he blocks me. Its infuriating. Im not the kind of person than can be walked over but this has hit me like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 03/10/2019 15:20

You've said you've been with him for 15 years during which time he's been 'a good man'. You've also said he was a good father and, as he won't have lost that skill, there's every reason to suppose he will be again.

Are you saying you don't want your ds having overnights with his df because you're angry or fearful that this will mean ds spending time with the other woman? Or are you saying that this previously 'good father' is no longer fit to parent your ds?

Regardless, my advice to you to tell him that he's going to have ds every other weekend is to disabuse him of any notion that he can blithely walk away from his responsibilities, and that any plans he may have for cosy weekends with his new squeeze may be subject to disruption.

You're not obliged to put this into practice, but it's all part of taking the wind out of his sails and making him aware of the possibility that, while ds spends overnights with him , YOU will have free time to find another man get out there and socialise with whoever you want.

DON'T GET MAD - channel your anger into a productive force that will enable you to GET EVEN.

FatRambo · 03/10/2019 15:30

he flipped out when he found out I was pregnant and left me that day

Like he didn't contribute to that situation in any way?

Whatever he says to you now, would you ever trust him again?

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 15:41

He has been a good man. He supported me when I wanted to leave my job at the time and go to university. He has always been behind me 100%. He very rarely looses his temper and he gives me what ever I need without question.He got a better job when I was pregnant so I could he a stay at home mom. I always felt so lucky to have him as believe me ive had my fair share of terrible boyfriends in the past. The reason I dont want him to have my son over the weekends is because I dont want to be without my son. Ive never left him a day in his life and I dont plan to. He works quite a few weekends so it wouldn't even workout anyway. His behaviour is totally out character which its why its so hard to deal with. It on started the day I said I was pregnant. I keep wondering if this woman from work is trying to make moves on him and hes tempted because what woman would want to get in the middle of a family like this. I know I wouldn't. Regardless its disgraceful

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 03/10/2019 15:51

Take back your power. Block him. You know in your heart he is probably with another woman.
Cry and punch that pillow and get it all out.
Go no contact.
Fuck him, if he wants to text you at his convenience and can't have the decency to meet you face to face, then block the arsehole and carry on for your little boy who needs you.
Don't do the pick me dance. Don't give in to him, he walked out.
You call the shots.
Can you speak to the council about getting rehomed away from a dodgy landlord? You are vulnerable with a little one.
Or call the dodgy landlord, tell him your arsehole ex didn't get the water damage sorted and he needs to do it.
I would definitely block him at 4pm. I would get your little one and go and have a treat, hot chocolate, piece of cake, and i would let that fucker know you are calling the shots and he dances to your tune and you will not be controlled. Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 15:57

One thing I won't be is controlled. Hes coming to talk to me face to face and I want to here it. I have been looking at other properties in the area but not many are for rent as I can't afford to buy. I need to stay in the same postcode because my sons treatment he has. I would have to start from square one again. The council here has housing association housing and they are hard to get and tge waiting list is long. I do think I deserve him to tell me to my face because he can look me in the eye and see what he is about to loose.

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 15:58

I apologise for my typing I've not slept in days

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 15:59

If I don't like it agree with what he has to say he will be blocked and he can know what it feels like to be ignored. I just want answers

OP posts:
pusspuss9 · 03/10/2019 16:14

I have to say I always wonder if posters that advise immediately arranging for the children to stay for weekends or other overnights with their father, are parents themselves?

If my child was upset over their father leaving , the very last thing I would want as a parent is to send that child away for overnights or even days to be honest until the child itself was Ok with it.

When their little world has been turned upside down and they are feeling unsafe and vulnerable the very last thing they want is to be pushed into a few days away from mummy (or Daddy) in a strange place.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 03/10/2019 16:20

pusspuss9 You sound wise. Often the posters here are just clamoring for families to break up. Children need routine and stability.

I hope the OP and her partner work it out. He sounds like a nice guy who had a wobble.

gubbsywubbsy · 03/10/2019 16:22

Blimey .. hope he gives you some answers at least .

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 03/10/2019 16:25

@MedusaMomma I am sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs Thanks

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 16:37

Yeah I'm utterly exhausted at this point. I will see what he has to say to me and I will deal with it. It just feels so sad to see my little boy in the middle when he was so settled and coming on so well. At least he will always have me as a constant in his life.

OP posts:
Breakfast1nBed7295 · 03/10/2019 16:51

If he didn't want any more children, why is he not taking responsibility for his fertility ?

Was it an unplanned pregnancy ?

Secondly, why does he get to walk away from his existing child. He needs to take some responsibility

sweetiepie1979 · 03/10/2019 16:53

You need to get control back toughen up get healthy and focus

donethinkin · 03/10/2019 17:03

This man is messing you around. He’s sleeping on a females sofa?? WTF? It’s a lie is my gut feeling. He’s cheating and your pregnancy was an excuse to flip out on you and leave. Do not trust what he’s telling you. You deserve better than this. You need a support group. Why haven’t you got any friends? Nobody should invest everything in just a man! You need to get out there and have more to life than him. Keep posting on here. We are all here for you

Doireann1 · 03/10/2019 17:03

Isn't it lovely for him to call the shots. Cunt.

DonKeyshot · 03/10/2019 17:11

I fully agree with you pusspuss, but I'm talking tactics for bringing a would-be Lothario formerly 'good man' to heel.

However, on the basis of what the OP has said about him, in law this df would inevitably be awarded overnights, shared holidays/celebrations etc, with their child and that's how it should be.

I don't see that anyone here 'clamours' for families to break up,TumbleWeeds and, by and large, those who respond on this board don't give 'one size fits all' responses to what they read here.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 17:24

I don't have any friends anymore because I chose to distance myself when my so called best friend was using me as a patsy without my knowledge when she was having multiple affairs and I didn't want to be part of it. It was a small group of friends i had from school and i just didnt feel like I wanted to do the same things anymore. My other friend moved away and over time we lost touch. Ive never been the type to have lots of friends. I have a few people i chat to every now and again but no one I feel close too.

OP posts:
pusspuss9 · 03/10/2019 18:12

@donkeyshot
However, on the basis of what the OP has said about him, in law this df would inevitably be awarded overnights, shared holidays/celebrations etc, with their child and that's how it should be.

That's true what you say and of course basically it's right but that doesn't change the fact that it can be devastating for a small child in the initial stages of a separation. I think both parents should take the child's emotional state into account.

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