Today I am going to be told about his new woman

[MedusaMomma]

I feel so desperately sad right now. I had been with my current partner for 15 years. We were happy, he was a good man. We didn't really argue majorly and he told me he loved me everyday. He recently turned 40 and he changed. We have a son together and i recently had a termination that i regret because he flipped out when he found out I was pregnant and left me that day. He never went out because he was such a family man and he spent all his time with us. Since he left our son who is autistic has become with drawn. He wouldnt tell me where he was staying until last sunday when he told me he was sleeping on a female friend from works sofa... Yeahi know what your thinking. I desperately wanted for us to work on being there for our son and he came home for a few days then again he text me saying he wasn't coming home. He also blocked my calls. I just can't cope. I know there is something going on and yesterday i flipped and found a way to message him and i yold him he needed to be there for his son. He texted me this morning to say he needs to talk. I am still blocked. I can't cope anymore. I have no friends or family. I can't cope with the hurt and betrayal, caring for my son and the loss of the child i should havd kept. I feel so desperate and don't know what to do. I don't know how im going to cope when he calls to tell me he is with this woman. I just feel so bad

As far aa his cheating on me before this. I don't know how he could have done. He texts or calls on the way to work. He calls me every break and the same on the way home. We spend all our time together and do everything together. Its like a conflict in my head. All of a sudden he changed and was being weird with his phone when he came to see his son. I did ask him out right and he said something else but i knew it was something. I just feel like my hearts been torn from my chest. I tried to eat and it just came back up again. I feel such a complete and utter fool.

If he has met someone else and wants to be with them why all this bullshit. He obviously can see ive sussed it and hes not even in the same house anymore. Ive given him the opportunity to see his son and he just says hes not coming back tonight but doesn't want me to be angry or feel bad.... Im half expecting him not to turn up today. If he does he will probably get a change of clothes and go. He hasnt even taken any of his stuff

You're NOT a fool. He's the foolish one and I hope he realises it soon.

Tea and toast or soup... it'll stay down eventually and try to quiet your thoughts so that you can get a good night's sleep. I know that's easier said than done but visualise a brick wall or other boring scene and hold the thought until you drop off, or lose yourself in a world of fantasy that's far removed from real life.

I tried last night. I just woke up after 30 minutes and i couldn't get back to sleep at all. I just sat in the garden in the dark or paced. I just don't know why people sneak around like that other than to make a fool of the wronged person. My mom cheated on my dad and they never got over it. It just completely ruins lives. He just denies it as if im reaching. Its nothing like the man I know

The fact you would welcome him back is the reason he's treating you like this. Leaving you hanging on and waiting for his next contact with you.
The best thing you could do is have his stuff packed (or at least a couple of bin bags worth. He certainly won't be expecting that and it will make him think-even if he does toddle off with his bags.
He is expecting you to be all needy.
Don't be.

Im not being needy. I was furious with him. I let him come back to see his son because he cries for him and it makes me so sad for him. I tried the tack of him coming back to get and talk over the anger and maybe try to sort things out amicably for our son but he acts like he's being wronged and that's when he text and said he wasn't coming back again and the blocking followed. Now we are at we need to talk stage but its not about him having an affair. I do in my heart wish this would go away and things would go back to the way it was. I know it never will and thats the sad part

OP really sorry you are going through this.
You sound very emotional which I fully understand, I would be too.

My only advice would be if you really want him to tell you the truth ( and you sound like you do, you said he needs to stop the bullish...) , you should try to calm down and let him tell you without him being scared of your reaction.
Sometimes people wonder why others avoid telling them uncomfortable truth but let’s face it men are cowards , if he’s been with you for so many years and knows you well he will be terrified having to tell you he is with someone else.
By sending him angry texts , mentioning your son and so on you are already showing him how you WILL react when he tells you the truth.
If he wants to phone you, let him phone you , there is no gain in delaying the truth.
Don’t threaten him with not allowing access to his son , I know you feel angry but he is his child just as much as yours.

I hope you don’t take it in a bad way, I’m not trying to make you feel bad . Looking from outside and hearing how angry you are I can just imagine how difficult it will be for the two of you to have an honest adult conversation about it.

Ive tried to ask out right. He said nothings going on. He said he feels like he can be himself there but nothing has happened. But from what I was hearing in that conversation it is or was on the cards. All i have been begging him to do is see his son. He says how much he loves him and he is tye most important part of his life but hes not interacting with him. He looks dead behind the eyes and just is constantly going on about how bad it is for him to even come into the house and how he dreads it. Im not bombarding him with agro or constantly going on about it but i do get angry when he let's his son down and treats me with zero respect by blocking me. I have tried to Curb the anger because it will give him a reason. He will blame me though they normally do. I just can't believe ive let my life get to this

Im getting the shakes now im that nervous. My sons gone to bed so its so quite. Another day without seeing his dad. Just makes my stomach turn every time I think about it

Op
I would try not to make assumptions about what is happening. Nothing you have said tells me he is having an affair. He may be, but you certainly don't know that for sure and it doesn't help to assume that.

Clearly, getting pregnant was a trigger for some kind of crisis in his mind. It may be that the marriage was less secure than you thought before that, but the pregnancy does seem to have pushed it over the edge. It sounds to me that things since then have really melted down in terms of communication. And you are suffering so much, especially after the termination, so it is not surprising.

I really hope you are able to listen to what he is saying when he comes without telling yourself you know in advance. (Or even worse having people here tell you what he thinks and feels!) At worst, if your relationship is over and/ or he is having an affair, then you will know for sure and maybe gain some understanding. At best, listening will start to turn things around, after this huge collapse.

Finally, whatever happens I would beg you to separate your heartbreak from his relationship with your son. When he comes to see his son should not be when you try to talk to him about your relationship- please allow your son to see him without you there or at least without it becoming about your relationship breakdown. Otherwise your son will soak up the trauma of your interaction and if your DP feels he can not see his son, without putting himself and his son through that trauma, this will give him the excuse to shut off and distance himself from your child. That really isn't fair on your son.

The only reason to stop your DP having time with your son would be if you think he is not a good parent and would be inflicting something harmful on your son. Nothing you have said suggests this is the case. However hard, it is important to keep his parenting separate from the relationship with you......

I am so sorry things are so hard right now. I am wishing you good luck for the talk.

Thank you. I do try to take myself away into another room and busy myself when he see his son because my son needs him. I am prepared to listen because I need to know. What im not prepared to do is let him turn up when he feels like it and disrupt things like he has been doing because its confusing my son. If he has chosen to leave i dont want him to still treat this like its his home and he can just walk in because that's not the deal. Im not even allowed to knoe where he is or communicate with him after a certain time.

Just try and distract your mind. Watch something funny, listen to upbeat music, read an interesting book.
Don't drink caffeine, smoke or have too much alcohol before bed, it will keep you awake. Don't watch the news or soaps. Try to keep everything light.
Be gentle with yourself.
But give yourself and him space. It will be going against all that you want to do, coz we are women and we want to talk it through, but give yourself breathing space.
Stay strong.
Tomorrow you can focus again on things .
Maybe bag up his clothes, and dump them at his families house.
Can you speak to his parents or siblings about his behaviour?
Try deep breathing exercises at night in bed to try and get some sleep.
Try not to overwhelm yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself and your son.
Take care.

No i can't talk to his family really. His grandmother is very elderly and has just suffered a bereavement so i don't want to burden her. Besides his relationship with his family is very distant at the moment. I just have the feeling that hes going to call instead of facing me and thats going to make me angry. I deserve him to talk to me one on one. If he continues to go back to where he is staying I just can't handle it. I feel like I've been discarded like yesterday's newspapers. I am barely coping with everything and he can just walk away and I can't. I will know soon either way but I do think he will bottle it or just make it all about him... Again

Its getting near the time he leaves work now and i feel ill. Part of me is hoping he has come to his senses and wants to put our son first but in my heart I dont think its that. I think hes going to go for good today and i dont know if I can handle the thought of him being happy elsewhere while I'm so damn miserable and still have to carry on with the life we once had just minus him. I have little hope of going out or meeting someone else because of the situation with my son. I just feel trapped and helpless

I’m so sorry that you are hurting like this op. Your husband is not being truthful or fair to you.
Sending hugs and I know it’s hard, but whatever happens, know it will get better x

I hope you are ok OP.

Im really trying to sort through my head and find strength. Ive tried not to cry about it because it won't change a thing. I just don't know whats going to happen. It scares the hell out of me. He hasn't been in contact as of yet which isn't looking good. He may just turn up at some point. I just keep thinking about our recent holiday we had and how lovely he was. He eas buying me a present everyday and telling me how much he loved me. It just does not make sense to me.

Op I totally agree he should not be able to turn up unplanned. He needs to respect your boundaries and work out a routine with you for seeing your son.

Wishing you luck.....

We’re all with you OP sending strength

Thank you. He will definitely be out of work now and ive heard nothing. He may be on his way home but he usually says so. I just feel like his behavior is so very odd. I don't know how someone can play with another persons feelings so much especially when we had such a strong bond throughout our relationship. We weren't married because i was in no rush really but he did say he wanted us to get married soon. Now this. I do have a very beautiful engagement ring which ive not been able to wear lately because of my weight gain.... Just so hard to accept even though I know I have to

Op - is there any chance that this isn't anything about another relationship? That his behaviour is due to other factors such as the overwhelming stress of bearing all the financial responsibility for the family - and the announcement of another pregnancy just made him flip. ?

The description of your housing issues and him trying to fix that as well - all poured in together with a child with SN .. could he have simply had a breakdown and wanted to run away from it all.. ? To me , that would be a far more logical explanation for the behaviour. If this is possible , can you make some changes to help him carry the load by finding some p/t work ?

I think there is also the potential of a breakdown.

I have tried to talk to him about it. I know everything has been so stressful but he just blames me. He just texted to say he is on his way. I really have to try and not fly off the handle because I feel so wronged and I don't feel I've had my voice heard.

Something has just dawned on me.... If hes is coming here so late he is probably planning on staying and has not said anything. When he came the first few days he slept on the sofa and then when he came again when he said he was going to stay he slept in our bed for two nights. Typing it now just shows me how much I let him do just to try and save some sort of relationship. I need to make a stand but I really am tired of fighting because I hate it.

Good luck OP, I hope what he has to say is no where near as bad as you fear 💐