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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I am going to be told about his new woman

179 replies

MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 09:49

I feel so desperately sad right now. I had been with my current partner for 15 years. We were happy, he was a good man. We didn't really argue majorly and he told me he loved me everyday. He recently turned 40 and he changed. We have a son together and i recently had a termination that i regret because he flipped out when he found out I was pregnant and left me that day. He never went out because he was such a family man and he spent all his time with us. Since he left our son who is autistic has become with drawn. He wouldnt tell me where he was staying until last sunday when he told me he was sleeping on a female friend from works sofa... Yeahi know what your thinking. I desperately wanted for us to work on being there for our son and he came home for a few days then again he text me saying he wasn't coming home. He also blocked my calls. I just can't cope. I know there is something going on and yesterday i flipped and found a way to message him and i yold him he needed to be there for his son. He texted me this morning to say he needs to talk. I am still blocked. I can't cope anymore. I have no friends or family. I can't cope with the hurt and betrayal, caring for my son and the loss of the child i should havd kept. I feel so desperate and don't know what to do. I don't know how im going to cope when he calls to tell me he is with this woman. I just feel so bad

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 20:48

My son is only in nursery for a few hours while he starts the routine so there isn't much i can do. I do try to contribute anyway i can. I sell things sometimes and last month i put over 3 grand in the bank account. I used to work in the jewellery trade so i buy and sell when I can its not like i leave it all to him. I think because im at home he thinks i just relax when im cooking washing cleaning and looking after our son. He hasnt had to take care of him on his own before because i do it all

OP posts:
SurfingGiantess · 03/10/2019 20:48

It's just weird behaviour. But either way you don't treat the one you love like that! Pathetic and spineless. An adult sorts stuff out with or without his wife but not just leave without explanation and block you. You need to make a stand cause it looks like it's over unfortunately. You have feelings too and he's playing with them. It's not fair or right. Best if luck. X

VenusTiger · 03/10/2019 20:53

Is he in some kind of trouble? Or is having a breakdown?

Choice4567 · 03/10/2019 20:58
Flowers
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 21:07

I was thinking it was some sort of breakdown and i suggested him seeking help and he said they would just put him on pills and he didn't want that. I adored this man and whether rightly or wrongly I have done all I can to help him and he has thrown it in my face. He will be here soon and I just don't know what kind of mood he is going to be in. I will do my best to listen to what he has to say but he really needs to listen to me too

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 03/10/2019 21:08

I just feel like my heart is leaping out my chest because I don't want to be backed into a corner

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 03/10/2019 21:12

If he is having a breakdown or is depressed, guilt will play a major factor. If you want him to get better and continue your relationship, I’m afraid you’re going to have to bite your tongue and save the telling off till he’s in a better place - if he’s ill I mean.
He can’t ignore it if he is, and drs don’t always medicate - there are systems they can put in place, like therapy, exercise programme, diet etc.

crappyday2018 · 03/10/2019 21:48

Please don't let him stay OP. Let him say his piece and then ask him to leave. Its not fair on your son that he might see his Dad is back home only for him to disappear again.

ConfCall · 03/10/2019 22:02

I hope it’s salvageable OP. However, if it is not, I wish you strength and I can tell you that you will get through it. You will cope.

Livelovelearn1 · 03/10/2019 22:11

Im thinking of u op. You will be ok whatever the outcome but i do think u 2 need a serioua conversation to clear things up and know where u stand. U will be ok in time. Regardless. I know right now it feels like your world is imploding. But u will rise.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/10/2019 22:45

Hope it goes ok op Thanks

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 03/10/2019 22:46

Please don't let him stay OP. Let him say his piece and then ask him to leave. Its not fair on your son that he might see his Dad is back home only for him to disappear again

Using that logic I should have told my husband to stay gone when he was doing a lot of traveling on business. Sometimes he'd be gone most of the week. Our toddler did just fine and is a well adjusted adult.

donethinkin · 03/10/2019 23:01

I think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor OP. Somebody who can help you process all of this

windandme · 04/10/2019 00:35

I hope it went ok. Thanks

lexiepuppy · 04/10/2019 09:10

I hope everything went well for you.

Maybe he is having a breakdown.

I hope you got some sleep and can think more clearly.Flowers

Idontwanttotalk · 04/10/2019 09:22

I seem to have a different view to others. He has told you there is no other woman and you say he never had any time when he was with you anyway. I think you are going to find.....there is no other woman.

I think it is more likely to be bound up with the pregnancy and the fear of having another child with problems.

Your posts seem to be in total panic mode and I really think you would benefit in the future from some counselling to cope with how you handle problems.

You have talked about his qualities as a partner and father in glowing terms in a later post.

I hope you did have a helpful discussion last night and that you were both receptive to each others views and concerns.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 09:46

He did turn up and I was totally shocked when I saw him. He looks ill. He looked like he hadn't washed changed his clothes and he has lost alot of weight since the last time I saw him. I let him say his bit and stayed calm. He wants to move out. I didn't say anything and i think he wasn't expecting that. He wants to move to his grandmother's because he can't keep sleeping on sofas and coping with everything that's going on. I then calmly told him that I have been going through hell because of him staying with another woman when he should have been there for his son. He said there is nothing going on with this woman. He hasn't just been staying there he has been other places. He said he wanted to make me upset so that's why he told me that. He said he is angry at everything and feels so anxious all the time. He blocked me because he doesn't want to talk to me and get into a heated discussion. I told him that all I want is for him to be a Dad and I can't keep doing it by myself. I left it at that. Im not going to get mad at him or keep rehashing things because clearly he is having issues right now and I know what depression looks like because I've been there. If he does go to his grandmothers it will be easier for my son because he knows the place and is very comfortable there. He did stay the night. But after what was said, was said. I took myself off to bed, watched some TV and did some online shopping. My son was over the moon to see him this morning so that makes me happier. We have agreed to sort out his birthday together and all I can do is be a mom. Ive booked myself in to get my eyelashes done this afternoon to make me feel better and tonight im planning on having a long hot bath and pamper myself

OP posts:
Cora1942 · 04/10/2019 10:02

He sounds like he hasnt opened upto you fully. He obviously has something going on. It might not be another woman. Could be drugs, gambling, depression.
Give him space but give him a deadline to be be truthful to you. Sending you virtual hugs. It must be so painful for you. Try to take little steps. Ring your council.about housing if you cant afford to stay there on your own. Try to eat, even healthy snacks. Concentrate on your son. Does his school.have a parent association you could join, to meet other mums? Good luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2019 10:17

He said he wanted to make me upset
Buy why?????
What did you do to deserve this???
Why did he want to upset you?
None of this is making any sense.
Is he seeing his GP?
There is something not right going on inside his head.
He needs professional help to tackle it.

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 10:26

Even though its probably the easiest conclusion to get to... I don't think its another woman. I do think that he is having a mental health crisis and I'm not giving him a free pass or anything im just trying to put my son first and what he needs is a healthy father. When my mom passed away i spiralled into a deep depression and everything was a massive earth shattering problem that i felt there was no way through. I listened to what he wanted to say calmly and also communicated what I was feeling in the same way. When you feel depression its hard to think and act in a way that others may want you to. He will contine to finance the house for as long as I need to and seeing what state he is in. He does need to make an appointment to find help. I hope if he won't listen to me. Once his grandmother sees the state he is in she may be able to talk to him. She brought him up from a baby so i just hope it will be the start of him getting healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 10:30

Its the unplanned pregnancy that's triggered this. That's why he ran because he couldn't handle it. No its not right and it had destroyed the relationship we once had but I only care about my son and his needs. If we can get passed this any maybe one day be able to have a friendly relationship then thats great but as it stands now i just have to carry on and make sure my son is ok

OP posts:
Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 13:55

Well been out and tried to make myself feel better but its not working much. Ive took all the photos down of us because its too painful to keep seeing thr happier times. The anger and desperation feels less today but the pain is still crippling.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2019 14:00

Yep, that real physical pain we feel.
It's horrendous.
Like your heart is literally breaking.
There is not much we can say to make this bit better OP.
Just try to look after yourself.
Eat if you can - little and often.
If solids are too much then sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through the first weeks.
Keep busy and hug your DS lots and lots.

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 14:16

I'm so sorry op. I can almost feel your pain. Not much help I'm afraid, I agree with what hellsbellsmelons said above.
Flowers

Original poster
MedusaMomma · 04/10/2019 18:46

I took my boy out after school and my ex called to see how his day was. I kept calm and only talked about out son. He said he would call me when he finishes to arrange shopping for tomorrow for birthday things. I just feel sad inside but im not going to keep talking to him about what's going on with us because i can't change it. I decided id order myself a Chinese as that's what normally happens on a friday night and see how i get on with that. Thank you everyone for being so kind and taking the time out to help me. I do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart

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