I sent this text to myself at 1am

[Nomorebagels]

‘He shouted at me, told me to ‘fuck off bitch’, and raised his fist at me. He told me I’d be a sad spinster like my friend who has just become single.’
I sent it because I wanted to look at what happened in the cold light of day and evaluate. He stormed out and has not apologised. Four years together, no DC.
We argued because he parked his car across three of the neighbours spaces because one of their cars was in his and he was raging about that. I dared to tell him he was being unreasonable and he got mad.
He’s not a nice man is he?

People, stop feeding the GF on here.

OP, well done, you are doing the right thing. Probably no coincidence that your ex is no contact with his family now. Remember you probably only heard one side of that story.

In 30+ years together DH and I have had many disagreements. Never has either of threatened violence of used offensive names. If he did act as your ex did last night he would be sleeping elsewhere.

Boundaries. Keep to them.

You know yourself OP that this is not ok. He will not get calmer and more reasonable over the years.
I’ ve been married 30+ years. Sometimes (mostly hormone related) I have been a total cow. My DH has never called me a bitch (even when I have deserved it) and never raised a hand to me. We shout and yell occasionally, doors have been slammed, I once threw a plate and once every few years one or another of us has flounced off to the pub or the gym. I have never in all that time been scared of him. You were scared last night. Respect your instincts before this escalates.

OP , please ignore the abuse apologist on this thread ( and any in your head or in RL ) and get out of the relationship now.

You know and I know that it’s not the first time he’s been aggressive or you have felt threatened, is it ? This is only going one way and it’s going to get worse.

Please leave.

Let's hope he stays there OP.
As another PP said, this escalated fast.
I'd assume something else going on in the background as well.
Any other clues to an OW?
On his phone more?
Losing weight?
More aftershave?
New underwear?
Exercising?
Taking his phone to the toilet?
Mentionitis?
Spending longer in the shower?

What next OP?
Are you planning on discussing this with someone?
You need some support.
The end of 4 year relationship needs some support.

@Whyisshedoingit You realise verbal abuse (and emotional abuse) is a form of domestic violence? Of course a few swear words isn't a reason to end a relationship - though I would argue there is swearing and aggression and then there is him calling her a bitch, especially in the context of fuck off bitch, and I'd say that justifies it. We aren't talking about a heated argument where he huffs a bit and carries on about 'the fucking car' or 'the fucking neighbours stealing me fucken spot', we are talking about a heated argument that got personal where he told her to fuck off bitch (despite it being her flat, lol). Which crosses into emotional abuse. AND add in the fist close to her face, so verbal abuse (swearing at her and calling her a bitch), emotional abuse (belittling - you'll be a sad old spinster) and bordering on physical (fist near her face) -
if all of this isn't enough, then what is?

You don't need him Op 🌹

OP I know you're sad, shocked etc, but seriously, your flat, your rules. Say to him this minute, "I want you out in half an hour. Pack a bag for now and come get the rest tomorrow". It's your flat, so kick him out right this minute.

In all honesty, DH and I have said mean things and sworn at each other when we have fight or arguments. People do. But yes, there's never been any violence. No raising fists or anything like that. Just huffs and puffs. Storming off. Slamming door and swearing.

If OP as she puts, was really scared, it would be hard to trust him again, that I can understand. She shouldn't really allow this and I think her DP should apologize. I won't advice to break up or leave but if any case you reckon this is not safe for you, please call the cops and boot him out the doors. Good Luck to you! Stay Strong.

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan why are you commenting on a Mums forum anyway? Bog off!

@donethinkin we do support men on here as well.
And they often offer good advice.
Not this one though, but let's not rise to it anymore!

Get the Lundy book Why Does He Do That? In the list of physical abuse indicates is raising his first to make you flinch, even if he doesn't hit you. Just seen a make poster make the point that he hasn't hit you. However, from Lundy's professional stance, he would consider your OH's actions as physical violence.
I too recommend considering if this is the life you wish to choose before having children.

And you are being dictartorial, in my opinion.

No, @AddictedProcrastinatorMan - I'm addressing your incorrect assumptions & projections logically & calling out your bullshit. You clearly don't like that, from a woman, as you can only cope with it by labelling it "dictartorial" [sic].

I really can't be arsed to address your ignorance further, as your hypothesising & mansplaining the OP's own situation to her is starting to derail the thread.
As pp have suggested upthread, am not gonna respond to any more Goady Fuckery - Bye.

Lundy days every action like that is a choice target then the result of an emotion which overrode the person in the moment. It was on his list as a professional counselor of abusive men. I was using his guidelines to refer to it as abuse as he says a common held myth is that unless you are actually hit, it's not abuse.

OP, one thing that stood out is that you feel some shame and do not want your family to know the true nature of your, I hope now definitely Ex. I recognise this because I felt the same when I was with a very abusive man. His abuse never got physical but he trashed everything that had any value to me, especially in sentimental nature. I was walking on egg shells and did revise my behaviour to avoid his rages. I reckon you have even if subconsciously been appeasing him and learned very early on not to challenge him. I also minimised and hid his true behaviour from others. He was Prince Charming and could not do enough for others, well, mostly acquaintances that had not seen through him. He too had fallen out with his parents and sibling. After a while, people do see these types for what they really are. Last night, he embarrassed you and created a potential massive problem for you with your neighbours. You do not need to feel any shame, you deserve support and sympathy. Do tell your family and friends exactly what he is like. Chances are that they have picked up on it already. This is a good way of insulating you to his manipulation. I’m really sure that he will be back in touch, literally acting as nothing happened or at least minimising it and if you get an apology, it won’t be an admission of him behaving badly but he was driven to it by stress or others. Don’t bother with trying to get your keys back right now, just have the barrel changed. It is a small price for some piece of mind. I’ve compared notes with a few others and the key is often a power ploy or some kind of trophy that they think forces you to interact with them.

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan because you do not know if this is abusive.

Telling a woman to fuck off bitch! is abusive. Ask any DV counsellor. You may think it's normal and not know any different, but truly, just those 3 words alone ARE abusive. Classic DV. Then there is the raising a fist. That, is a MAJOR red flag and is deemed abusive. Any counsellor will tell you to leave, on account of that, alone.

Your compass on what is normal and what isn't, is so messed up, and shows even in 2019, we still need PSAs and information sessions on Domestic Violence.

Better to be a "sad spinster" than someone who is afraid of their partner.

And yes, raising a fist to someone as if to punch them is obviously abusive. Don't stick around to find out whether he'd actually do it or not. Life is way too short for that.

Well, he's wrong, isn't he? Without him you will undoubtedly be much happier, whether single or with someone else.

OP so he's gone? Did he leave on his own or did you have to prompt him?

I think there is a massive difference between my experience and that of the OP @AddictedProcrastinatorMan so please don’t use my post to buttress your very shaky argument.

I clearly stated my husband has never called me a bitch or raised his hand to me and I’ve never been scared of him. I should add to that we don’t swear at one another when we disagree. Yes, we have argued and yelled and flounced and I even once threw a plate (on the floor, not at him and I am deeply ashamed of it). What the OP experienced is something very different and wasn’t OK.

Lucky you have no dc together. That will make leaving him so much easier. Honestly he sounds like an absolute knob. When people are angry or drunk their true selves come out. You have glimpsed what he is truly like. Run OP. Don't look back. A lucky escape.

Hi all,
It would appear that AddictedProcrastinatorMan has left the site, and as his posts were proving rather a distraction we have deleted them.
Hope you're feeling okay, Nomorebagels.

Get rid

there was a development (a bad one) yesterday. But I still struggle to let that excuse his behaviour.

Even if there was an underlying reason for his behaviour to you last night, he has made matters worse by blocking you on social media. I thought the poster who pointed out that it was possible to have a quarrel and flounce out but that she had never felt threatened was absolutely right. We all have disagreements but we expect the other person to behave reasonably and not make us feel afraid.

Please don’t feel embarrassed when you explain the situation to your parents. It sounds as if he knew the spinster comment would hurt. Actually you are a successful independent woman. Of course it is hard now but you are right to think that you don't want to be in a position where he could frighten you again.

Thank you everyone and to mumsnet hq. I feel very much supported by - mainly - everyone on here on my first post. To those who asked, yes he has gone but he still has keys. And I have spoken to my fellow ‘spinster’ (!!) about what happened and she has been great. I do need to tell my parents as we were all supposed to be going on at the weekend. Thanks again for all the messages